Husband says he's not happy but does not know why.

20 years ago

My husband says he is not happy but cannot tell me why, say's he does not know what is wrong. I asked him if there was someone else and he says no and I don't believe there is as he is home when not at work. Unsure what to do or think this has been going on for some time as there is no passion when we make love and he has problems with that as well. What can I do if anything.

Featured Answer

bnicebkind

20 years ago

meghane is right. First you need to rule out depression, because even in mild to moderate depression...people function fine (get up , go to work, eat, and do the things they normally do) only they no longer find joy in anything, even in the things that they used to enjoy. They sometimes feel as if they are detached from others, looking in. They can see life going on around them, but they may not really feel apart of it, nor want to be.

2. In addition, take a good look at his life. How long has he worked at his job? Does he enjoy what he does. Does it fulfill the dreams and talents and interests that he has, or does he feel "trapped" in a job to pay the bills, watching his life and opportunites pass him by?

3. How long have you been married? Do you have children? Is he involved in their lives and appreciated?

4. Sometimes, when we are in a rut, and bored with the way our life is, it may help to find something that he is excited and passionate about, so that he does not turn to "someone else". I see couples make different things a passionate hobby. Like restoring old collectable cars and showing them, or ballroom dancing, or buying an historic house and bringing it back to its old glory days. Sports that he hasn't played like tennis, or basketball, etc with others his age.

5. Does he have a group of male friends to get together with once a week and just talk? Like breakfast once a week like clockwork?

6. Does he excercise? Or you could plan a trip together to someplace you have both dreamed of going to. Sometimes a vacation gives us a fresh perspective when we are unhappy.

7. What kind of climate do you live in? Sometimes, winter, and short days bring out the blues. Then take a trip south.
8. I have a friend whose parents went out and bought a Harley with a sidecar. They also rented an RV and just got away for awhile.

Anyway, just a few ideas off the top of my head that may give him a fresh outlook.

Sort by:Oldest

Comments (24)

Meghane
20 years ago
Take him to a doctor. He may be depressed or have another illness making him feel this way. Especially if this has been going on for more than a couple of weeks. We all get the blue funks every once in a while, but it shouldn't last that long. He needs medical attention.
Related Discussions
Contractor saying he does not warranty
Q
Comments (16)
I don't think judges in small claims court expect the parties to show up with expert witnesses, testimonies, and professionally worded statements. If you go that route, just bring photographs and documented records of attempts to solve the problem with the contractor, and any other evidence or records you have that show the work was not done correctly. Since you have been after him to make the repair since you moved in, hopefully you have kept a record of your contacts with him. I wouldn't worry about whether or not the contractor will "make you look pretty silly." Let the judge decide if you are being silly or not. Your contractor's license board might also be able to assist you ... it may be worth a phone call to find out.
...See More
When a husband says 'I'm not happy anymore'
Q
Comments (32)
I am not sure that I agree Rosewood, even though what you suggest is the direction most people are taking. I stand by my entries on this thread that I made on Wed. March 16, 05 and Thursday, March 17, 05. Scroll up. Please read if you passed over it, because I still feel the same today, ten months later. After hanging out in the step parent forum for awhile, my views on this are stronger than ever. Letter after letter talks about re-marriage after the divorce, and when many of these men re-marry, several of these new young wives on the forum resent and hate the children from the previous marriage...especially after they have new babies with the husband...and they want to have their own new little family, without the previous children, in fact, they want those children to just disappear! To some extent, I am now beginning to think that when we become parents, it is no longer about following our whims, or our feelings (which are fickle at best, and deceive us) but about what is in the best interest of the children we have brought into this world, and loving these innocent, beautiful children enough to fulfill our responsibility to them, by giving them the best possible childhood we can, whether we feel like it or not. IMO, when he made vows to love and honor his wife, and brought these two babies into the world who have their whole childhood ahead of them yet, he lost the right to chase after the new honey at the office. IMO, he has lost the right to whine and say he does not know if he is happy right now, and run around with the girl friend while he decides. It is such an incredible injustice to his wife and two babies, who trusted him to lead this family like a man, and put aside his childish whims. He is robbing his wife, by threatening her future, and the future of her children. It will affect them on every level, for years to come. He has robbed his wife of the ability to enjoy her new baby, and her two year old, because she must now worry where he is, who he is with, why hasn't he called, and the security of knowing their future is safe. Then, I imagine he will marry one of these honey's - and then, the step parent issues begin for these children. His new honey will hate money leaving her household, to his ex-wife, and his kids, and will resent her and the kids for this. It cheats his wife and children out of the future they SHOULD have had. A future with two parents who love them and strive to give them the best childhood they can. A family of their own, with two people who are willing to step up to the plate and do the right thing...whether they feel like it or not...with a smile for these beloved children. Giving them the gift of a family who loves them and are on their side rooting for them every step of the way. Parenting is hard under the best of circumstances. But we are called to do our very best, for these children, and not give up! There are days in parenting and life that we all will look at our spouse and wonder "what in the world was I thinking, when I chose him/her". Or we will look at them and may not feel anything at all. But on other days, we are so thankful that this person is by our side, and feel so blessed to have them share our life. Our feelings evolve over time, and can become so rich if we treat each other with excellence!
...See More
Why does he do that?
Q
Comments (3)
Three things come to mind - either he wants attention, are you carrying a ball or something your pup might want to carry in his mouth instead of you carrying it. It is possible he is just messing with you, my dog loves to tease, he hides in the bushes when we are walking and I am not paying enough attention to him...Second - you might have some sort of medical problem the dog can detect. Does this only happen when you are walking?? I know someone whose dog detected her breast cancer....I dont mean to scare you, but if the dog is persistant, go get checked out, especially if it happens when you are not only walking, but doing other things as well
...See More
Why does it seem no one is happy with what they have?
Q
Comments (49)
I forget how we started looking for houses in west Los Angeles, but I think we drove around looking for "for sale" signs. I think Kevin also got a real estate agent in Venice, where we lived at the time, but we soon learned that we could not afford to buy anything in Venice. Th closest his agent could find us was condos in Marina Del Rey, and we were not interested in anything with a condo fee and restrictions. Then I found a listing in the Argonaut Newspaper (serving Westchester, Playa Vista, Marina Del Rey, Venice, and Santa Monica) for a house in Westchester that was in our price range, met all of our minimum requirements and looked pretty good. I wondered what could be wrong with it, and then I discovered that it was two blocks from I-405, but the freeway was underground there and not all that noticeable. At worst, it sounded like a gentle babbling stream from the front yard, but then I also noticed that the house was about 5 miles from LAX, and there was some airport noise that I could notice in the back yard, but it was not under a flight path, and so that was easy enough for me to ignore. Still, it had to be noted on the real estate listing. We ended up hiring the agent who was showing the house and did not need to look any further. I think we had seen about three or four houses before that (mostly in Culver City), which were too small for us. The house in Westchester is 1.3 miles from where I worked at the time, and so I technically could walk to work - it was seven miles from Kevin's work in Culver City, and that took 20 minutes of driving them. My drive time commute was 4-5 minutes, and so I could easily go home for lunch. We've been very happy with the house in Westchester, and the main change we made was to replace the kitchen countertops. That amounted for $4,000, I think, and so we did not do it right away. We also removed carpet that was covering the 1950 original wood floor in the front bedrooms. When we bought the house in Cathedral City, I hired a real estate agent in Palm Springs, explained what we wanted, but the first few times he showed us houses, he showed us condos in Palm Springs, despite my telling him that I absolutely did not want a condo. He thought I might change my mind, since he could not find a house to our specs in Palm Springs. Therefore, we had to look in adjacent Cathedral City, about 10 minutes from downtown Palm Springs, and I had told him that I was fine with that location, as long as we would be allowed to do STVR, which we could when we bought the house, but two weeks later, that was banned by the city. Now we are stuck with a vacation house that we cannot rent, and so we have been using (and loving it) ourselves. During the pandemic, Kevin had to work remotely, and so he could as easily work from here as from our house in L.A., and so we have been spending approximately alternate months in each house. We have a great pool and great spa here, and the only renovations I did were to the bathrooms, and we're very happy with how those turned out, although I do not know how they will affect resale value. I took out both tubs and replaced them with walk-in showers. If someone wants to soak, they can go in the spa. It might not be great for children, but then neither is the pool. We looked at no more than a dozen houses/condos in Palm Springs and Cathedral City before we bought. When I saw this house, I knew it was the one I wanted, even though I would have to renovate the bathrooms. I enjoyed that project, however. I also had to have the pool resurfaced, but that has to be done on a regular basis anyway. The surface we have now has a 20 year warranty.
...See More
johpe
Original Author
20 years ago
He's has read this and says non of this applies, says I feel more like a sister when it comes to love making and that is why there is no compassion. What can I do, I am so confused and he says he must work it out himself as it is his problem.
intherain
20 years ago
Perhaps this is his problem, but it does involve you, too. Don't let him shut you out. Urge him to see a marriage counselor with you.
awbrey
20 years ago
What kind of job does he have may I ask???? Does he work with a lot of women???
johpe
Original Author
20 years ago
He does work with some women but men also, I just feel like I am not attractive to him anymore even though he says that I am. Again he says its him and not me but I feel there must be more to it then that.
intherain
20 years ago
Unfortunately sometimes our gut feeling is correct. I'm sorry you are in this situation - it's not fair to you, not knowing what's really going on. Keep us posted!

Sheryl
bnicebkind
20 years ago
On one post you say that he says that you feel more like a sister to him, and in another, you say that you told him that you do not feel attractive to him, but he says you are.
How long have you two been married? Approx. what age group are you each in? Do you have children and what ages? If you take a good hard look at yourself, what do you see? Do you take care in your appearance? If you asked him to be honest with you about things you could be doing that are bothering him, what would he say? (you do not have to share it if you don't want to...I am just asking you to think about it. ALSO, I am not saying that you are doing ANYTHING wrong...sometimes, how someone feels has NOTHING to do with us, it is something within themselves, that they are wrestling with. Sometimes, someone can be a great spouse, and be really loving and thoughtful, beautiful/handsome and be a terrific person...but the other person just does not respond to them in body chemistry...and it has nothing to do with them, or how attractive they are.

Other times, you will hear a woman say she doesn't know why her husband is not attracted to her, and she will be 290LBS and 5'2 and is yelling at him all the time, or on his back picking at everything he does.
johpe
Original Author
20 years ago
We've been married 25 yrs and I don't knick pick. I really do not know what to think anymore, I do not know if it is a problem he is having with his mechanics down there and does not want to admit it and is using this as an excuse. He says he is staying in the marriage no matter what he says sex is not everything but I told him what about the intimacy, I have needs also. I guess we will have to wait and see what happens.
tammidoughty_yahoo_com
18 years ago
My husband just moved out last week after we got home from our cruise and told me he wasnt happy and he did not know why. I was just curious what happend with you and your husband.
marge727
18 years ago
Sorry, Tammi. Unfortunately I think when husbands tell you that they are not happy but are moving out, there is somebody else. Its awful but I think they do care about you and don't want to hurt your feelings because there is another person. It isn't always a person that they marry in the future.
I wish you well--you have a tough year ahead.
scarlett2001
18 years ago
It's hard enough trying to manage your own happiness without trying to guess what is wrong with everybody else, too. Happy pills for everybody, bring 'em on!
texaswoman
18 years ago
He may think that the things listed above do not apply to him but he is WRONG! People with depression do not realize it or see the symptoms. He needs to see a doctor now!!!Make him go.
vicki546
18 years ago
Your husband isn't being honest with you.... He's probably cheating on you with someone from work, and I'm sorry to say this, but the things he's said, and the way he's acting is too much of a clue.. It's like his guilt is coming out right now, but he's making excuses for himself as to why it's okay.. Please don't be naive about this because it's probably not going to be long before he hits you with the "I love you, BUT I'm not IN Love with you" speech...

Make an excuse, and tell him you have to get out of town for a day or two.. Stay somewhere that you can watch him, and give him the rope to hang himself.. THEN, when you figure out what's going on, don't tell him you know.. Instead, first figure out if you want to stay with him, and if you do, then you have a lot of work to accomplish in a very short time...

Read up on everything you can about what to do to save the marriage when another person is involved... I know, I went through the same thing as you... There is still hope..
nashgal1964_yahoo_com
17 years ago
I have been with my fiance' for fours. Well, broke up 4 times but always got back and worked things out. He recently retired and he was alright at first, then started to change.

Yes, we fuss off and on, but couples do. However, from the beginning he told me how much he loved me and one day I will be his wife. Always told me everyday how much he loved me. Now I noticed that stopped as well.

He went to his mothers one day and changed his password on his comp. He has never done that before. We haven't had sex in a long time.

His daughter just got herpes and I know you can't get herpes but only by sex, but in my mind and what I have been through in my life having arthritis, I'm scared.

I tried to tell him it's in my mind and I apologize not wanting his daughter near me. I have been been through a lot with medicines, shots and surgeries replacing both knees and my left hip. I have never kept him from his kids and never will. I love his kids and we get along great . I told him to visit his kids like I do mine. It's a 2 hour drive but well worth it to see their smiling face. He said, he shouldn't have to drive that far.

So, he moved out. I'm still upset remembering the I love you forever and never leave you.

Him changing so fast and told me I'm not happy anymore.
Moved in with a family member he said. He told me he wanted to be alone to think.

I feel like it's all my fault
straycat_wandering
17 years ago
I lived like for for over four year...we'd been married over 20. (I knew he had affairs-uch) but didn't leave because of the children. But when they left I felt so alone. The worse thing is feeling lonely when "someone" is there, and the brother and sister thing just hurt more. I left-suffered the estrangement of my children, but other than that I am happy. Look, with an open mind-I also agree there is someone else. You deserve more. Good luck and I am sorry...I know it hurts.
stray
finedreams
17 years ago
babynemo, you cannot get herpes from a person who simply sits by you or hugs you or talks to you. it is rather ignorant of you to think otherwise. although i do feel sorry you marriage did not work, i would not stay wiht the person who treats my daughter like that either. i am not surprised he left.
faithgd05_gmail_com
15 years ago
my husband says hes happy but he doesnt seem like it. i think it has to do with the loss of his car, my ex blew it up shortly after my husband and i got together. my husbands car was his only taste of freedom, or so he told me. has your husband lost something?
suzieque
15 years ago
Say it isn't so ..... :-(
escourse_optonline_net
15 years ago
I don't know what to do ,he's drinking too much and hanging out with his boys.??
RaymondStephens688
14 years ago
Obviously, for what ever reason, he doesn't want to be with you anymore. I see that you have been going through for some years now. Are you still with him or did you finally move on?
RaymondStephens688
14 years ago
He's not interested in you because he is still very much in love with his first wife. He loves her dearly. He only married you because when he found out his first wife was marrying and having a child by someone else, he finally realized that she is never going back to him....so....he settled for you. He is never going back to you. So you must forget about him and move on..AND...most important...stop harassing his children and family on facebook, and stop calling ACS on his family. Move on with your life because you are making yourself to appear to have some type of mental disorder....and pitiful...
suzieque
14 years ago
This thread is 6 years old!!!
RaymondStephens688
14 years ago
She posted her last comment last year. And if I want to comment on it, comment I shall. If she no longer want responds then she should take it down. Good day to you.

Husband says he's not happy but does not know why.

bnicebkind

Comments (24)

Meghane

Related Discussions

johpe
Original Author

intherain

awbrey

johpe
Original Author

intherain

bnicebkind

johpe
Original Author

tammidoughty_yahoo_com

marge727

scarlett2001

texaswoman

vicki546

nashgal1964_yahoo_com

straycat_wandering

finedreams

faithgd05_gmail_com

suzieque

escourse_optonline_net

RaymondStephens688

RaymondStephens688

suzieque

RaymondStephens688

COMPANY

BUSINESS SERVICES

GET HELP

CONNECT WITH US

Husband says he's not happy but does not know why.

Comments (24)

Related Discussions

johpeOriginal Author

johpeOriginal Author

johpeOriginal Author

COMPANY

BUSINESS SERVICES

GET HELP

CONNECT WITH US

johpe
Original Author

johpe
Original Author

johpe
Original Author