Husband says he's not happy but does not know why.

20 years ago

My husband says he is not happy but cannot tell me why, say's he does not know what is wrong. I asked him if there was someone else and he says no and I don't believe there is as he is home when not at work. Unsure what to do or think this has been going on for some time as there is no passion when we make love and he has problems with that as well. What can I do if anything.

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bnicebkind

20 years ago

meghane is right. First you need to rule out depression, because even in mild to moderate depression...people function fine (get up , go to work, eat, and do the things they normally do) only they no longer find joy in anything, even in the things that they used to enjoy. They sometimes feel as if they are detached from others, looking in. They can see life going on around them, but they may not really feel apart of it, nor want to be.

2. In addition, take a good look at his life. How long has he worked at his job? Does he enjoy what he does. Does it fulfill the dreams and talents and interests that he has, or does he feel "trapped" in a job to pay the bills, watching his life and opportunites pass him by?

3. How long have you been married? Do you have children? Is he involved in their lives and appreciated?

4. Sometimes, when we are in a rut, and bored with the way our life is, it may help to find something that he is excited and passionate about, so that he does not turn to "someone else". I see couples make different things a passionate hobby. Like restoring old collectable cars and showing them, or ballroom dancing, or buying an historic house and bringing it back to its old glory days. Sports that he hasn't played like tennis, or basketball, etc with others his age.

5. Does he have a group of male friends to get together with once a week and just talk? Like breakfast once a week like clockwork?

6. Does he excercise? Or you could plan a trip together to someplace you have both dreamed of going to. Sometimes a vacation gives us a fresh perspective when we are unhappy.

7. What kind of climate do you live in? Sometimes, winter, and short days bring out the blues. Then take a trip south.
8. I have a friend whose parents went out and bought a Harley with a sidecar. They also rented an RV and just got away for awhile.

Anyway, just a few ideas off the top of my head that may give him a fresh outlook.

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Comments (24)

Meghane
20 years ago
Take him to a doctor. He may be depressed or have another illness making him feel this way. Especially if this has been going on for more than a couple of weeks. We all get the blue funks every once in a while, but it shouldn't last that long. He needs medical attention.
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Thank you all for your suggestions. azzalea, I do many of the repairs. I am more handy then most men and can do a lot of things except electical and appliance work. In the past month I've hung a new door on our coat closet then painted it and put in a new knob, which meant moving the striker and redrilling the striker hole in the jamb. I've also removed our handrail on the stairs going to 2nd floor because the original builder didnt' sink the screws into studs, just the lath and plaster, and after 50+ years the handrail was hanging by a thread. I patched the holes, sanded them down and painted, found the studs, moved the brackets & re-hung the handrail. I also patched the plaster in the downstairs bathroom ceiling when the upstair toilet overflowed & leaked through, then sealed and painted it. So construction type work doesn't scare me. I grew up in the 60's and 70's who while Dad was taking my brother to job sites with him, it would never have occurred to him to take me or teach me anything. What I know I've learned through "osmosis." I did replace the light switch in the bathroom but the problem isn't in the switch - and I am not qualifed to tear into the walls for the wiring or the service box. And the lamp is far, far away from any water. We have a 6' counter, with sink at one end, and the lamp is on the other end. And at 75, my dad can run rings around most 50 year olds. Through exercise, eating right & right living, he's never taken and Rx, never had a major illness, and is more physically fit than I am. He retired because he and his partner just finished a 15 acre development, and his partner ran for a state-level polical office and won. Dad decided rather than do it all himself on the next develoment since his partner would be tied up most of the time, he'd just end the partnership. I give it 6 months - he'll be buying more land and doing another development on his own. My dad can't sit still for 5 mintues. You are all right - my dad is who he is and I will never change that. He is not the way I want him to be and that will not change. I need to let it go - and let go of letting what he thinks of me bother me. What is hard is that I call every Thursday night and have for the past 25 years. My dad answers EVERY TIME (in his world, women don't answer the phone). Before I can talk to my mom, I have to hear him groan and moan about how awful the world is for about 15 minutes. He grew up dirt poor and has become wildly successful by any measure - wealth, status, friends, etc. Yet he still complains to me every week about how the world isn't a fit place for my sons to grow up in. I bite my tounge every week and every time they visit or I visit them (2x a month). I tell myself, it's only 24 visits a year and 52 phone calls a year. What bothers me the most is that if my brother, who also lives in my town, calls and wants Dad to do something on his house, my Dad drops everything to do it. He has helped my brother finish his basement, install sheetrock in his garage, build an arbor and porch swing, and finish the "bonus room" over hisgarage. He says it's because my brother's house is new (new build develoment house - about 10 years old) and it's easier to work on a newer house. My brother fits my dad's expectation of what a Man should be - he works in a factory, rides a motorcycle, is the "ruler of his household," etc and his wife is the traditional wife. They don't have kids.
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johpe
Original Author
20 years ago
He's has read this and says non of this applies, says I feel more like a sister when it comes to love making and that is why there is no compassion. What can I do, I am so confused and he says he must work it out himself as it is his problem.
intherain
20 years ago
Perhaps this is his problem, but it does involve you, too. Don't let him shut you out. Urge him to see a marriage counselor with you.
awbrey
20 years ago
What kind of job does he have may I ask???? Does he work with a lot of women???
johpe
Original Author
20 years ago
He does work with some women but men also, I just feel like I am not attractive to him anymore even though he says that I am. Again he says its him and not me but I feel there must be more to it then that.
intherain
20 years ago
Unfortunately sometimes our gut feeling is correct. I'm sorry you are in this situation - it's not fair to you, not knowing what's really going on. Keep us posted!

Sheryl
bnicebkind
20 years ago
On one post you say that he says that you feel more like a sister to him, and in another, you say that you told him that you do not feel attractive to him, but he says you are.
How long have you two been married? Approx. what age group are you each in? Do you have children and what ages? If you take a good hard look at yourself, what do you see? Do you take care in your appearance? If you asked him to be honest with you about things you could be doing that are bothering him, what would he say? (you do not have to share it if you don't want to...I am just asking you to think about it. ALSO, I am not saying that you are doing ANYTHING wrong...sometimes, how someone feels has NOTHING to do with us, it is something within themselves, that they are wrestling with. Sometimes, someone can be a great spouse, and be really loving and thoughtful, beautiful/handsome and be a terrific person...but the other person just does not respond to them in body chemistry...and it has nothing to do with them, or how attractive they are.

Other times, you will hear a woman say she doesn't know why her husband is not attracted to her, and she will be 290LBS and 5'2 and is yelling at him all the time, or on his back picking at everything he does.
johpe
Original Author
20 years ago
We've been married 25 yrs and I don't knick pick. I really do not know what to think anymore, I do not know if it is a problem he is having with his mechanics down there and does not want to admit it and is using this as an excuse. He says he is staying in the marriage no matter what he says sex is not everything but I told him what about the intimacy, I have needs also. I guess we will have to wait and see what happens.
tammidoughty_yahoo_com
17 years ago
My husband just moved out last week after we got home from our cruise and told me he wasnt happy and he did not know why. I was just curious what happend with you and your husband.
marge727
17 years ago
Sorry, Tammi. Unfortunately I think when husbands tell you that they are not happy but are moving out, there is somebody else. Its awful but I think they do care about you and don't want to hurt your feelings because there is another person. It isn't always a person that they marry in the future.
I wish you well--you have a tough year ahead.
scarlett2001
17 years ago
It's hard enough trying to manage your own happiness without trying to guess what is wrong with everybody else, too. Happy pills for everybody, bring 'em on!
texaswoman
17 years ago
He may think that the things listed above do not apply to him but he is WRONG! People with depression do not realize it or see the symptoms. He needs to see a doctor now!!!Make him go.
vicki546
17 years ago
Your husband isn't being honest with you.... He's probably cheating on you with someone from work, and I'm sorry to say this, but the things he's said, and the way he's acting is too much of a clue.. It's like his guilt is coming out right now, but he's making excuses for himself as to why it's okay.. Please don't be naive about this because it's probably not going to be long before he hits you with the "I love you, BUT I'm not IN Love with you" speech...

Make an excuse, and tell him you have to get out of town for a day or two.. Stay somewhere that you can watch him, and give him the rope to hang himself.. THEN, when you figure out what's going on, don't tell him you know.. Instead, first figure out if you want to stay with him, and if you do, then you have a lot of work to accomplish in a very short time...

Read up on everything you can about what to do to save the marriage when another person is involved... I know, I went through the same thing as you... There is still hope..
nashgal1964_yahoo_com
17 years ago
I have been with my fiance' for fours. Well, broke up 4 times but always got back and worked things out. He recently retired and he was alright at first, then started to change.

Yes, we fuss off and on, but couples do. However, from the beginning he told me how much he loved me and one day I will be his wife. Always told me everyday how much he loved me. Now I noticed that stopped as well.

He went to his mothers one day and changed his password on his comp. He has never done that before. We haven't had sex in a long time.

His daughter just got herpes and I know you can't get herpes but only by sex, but in my mind and what I have been through in my life having arthritis, I'm scared.

I tried to tell him it's in my mind and I apologize not wanting his daughter near me. I have been been through a lot with medicines, shots and surgeries replacing both knees and my left hip. I have never kept him from his kids and never will. I love his kids and we get along great . I told him to visit his kids like I do mine. It's a 2 hour drive but well worth it to see their smiling face. He said, he shouldn't have to drive that far.

So, he moved out. I'm still upset remembering the I love you forever and never leave you.

Him changing so fast and told me I'm not happy anymore.
Moved in with a family member he said. He told me he wanted to be alone to think.

I feel like it's all my fault
straycat_wandering
17 years ago
I lived like for for over four year...we'd been married over 20. (I knew he had affairs-uch) but didn't leave because of the children. But when they left I felt so alone. The worse thing is feeling lonely when "someone" is there, and the brother and sister thing just hurt more. I left-suffered the estrangement of my children, but other than that I am happy. Look, with an open mind-I also agree there is someone else. You deserve more. Good luck and I am sorry...I know it hurts.
stray
finedreams
17 years ago
babynemo, you cannot get herpes from a person who simply sits by you or hugs you or talks to you. it is rather ignorant of you to think otherwise. although i do feel sorry you marriage did not work, i would not stay wiht the person who treats my daughter like that either. i am not surprised he left.
faithgd05_gmail_com
15 years ago
my husband says hes happy but he doesnt seem like it. i think it has to do with the loss of his car, my ex blew it up shortly after my husband and i got together. my husbands car was his only taste of freedom, or so he told me. has your husband lost something?
suzieque
15 years ago
Say it isn't so ..... :-(
escourse_optonline_net
14 years ago
I don't know what to do ,he's drinking too much and hanging out with his boys.??
RaymondStephens688
13 years ago
Obviously, for what ever reason, he doesn't want to be with you anymore. I see that you have been going through for some years now. Are you still with him or did you finally move on?
RaymondStephens688
13 years ago
He's not interested in you because he is still very much in love with his first wife. He loves her dearly. He only married you because when he found out his first wife was marrying and having a child by someone else, he finally realized that she is never going back to him....so....he settled for you. He is never going back to you. So you must forget about him and move on..AND...most important...stop harassing his children and family on facebook, and stop calling ACS on his family. Move on with your life because you are making yourself to appear to have some type of mental disorder....and pitiful...
suzieque
13 years ago
This thread is 6 years old!!!
RaymondStephens688
13 years ago
She posted her last comment last year. And if I want to comment on it, comment I shall. If she no longer want responds then she should take it down. Good day to you.

Husband says he's not happy but does not know why.

bnicebkind

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Meghane

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