Your post clearly illustrates the dangers of a new Step Parent moving in to 'clean up' the discipline situation. Why on earth should this little guy like you when you punish him and Mommy doesn't? And by telling Mommy he's scared, he's found the perfect button to push! Lots of love and attention from Mom, and the discipline magically melts away. However, if he actually IS scared of you - which is possible if you yell and spank - it's even worse. Put yourself in his shoes for a minute and consider how much bigger you are than he is...

But really, it isn't the kid that's the problem. His actions are totally normal and predictable given his situation.
The problem is simply that MOM won't discipline. She's content to let you be the bad guy so she can still be the nice one -- get all of Sonny's love and hugs while you straighten him out when necessary.

You and Mom need to get on the same page and agree to what's acceptable, what's not, and what the discipline will be for bad behavior. Then MOM needs to announce the house rules and take over as primary enforcer for a while. I wouldn't go so far as to say you should never discipline the boy if Mom is not around, but "disciplinarian" should not be your job.

If Mom won't step up and PARENT, then your problems will grow until you hate the kid and lose all respect for your wife. Some marriages can survive this, but most won't...

Sweeby said it terrifically!

I just want to add on that I would seriously reconsider physically hitting a child that is not yours. While I do not feel it is effective discipline method for bioparents, I think stepparents have no right to lay hands on a child that is not their's. You have some pretty solid evidence of this too now. Little guy is scared of you. Not an effective way to become a familial unit.

As a bioparent myself, I would march my ex right into court about a step hitting my child. Its not an effective way to coparent with ex's either. If your 9 year old son had a new stepdad that started hitting him, what would you say?

Good points, Sweeby.

Idaho, I'm sorry, but I agree completely with Sweeby that "If Mom won't step up and PARENT, then your problems will grow until you hate the kid and lose all respect for your wife. Some marriages can survive this, but most won't..."

My DH and I have similar issues that we've worked around with a lot of communication. I was not strict enough with my DD because of the divorce from her father, etc. DH had a hard time finding his role in the family with her. We've talked a lot about what the rules/consequences are and we both enforce them. Quite often when we will "give in" about something, we will playact our discipline so that he gets to be the "good guy" and I am the one who is the strict one/holding back on allowing something fun when her behavior has not been up to par. Since we agree on the outcome, it doesn't really matter who is the one giving her what she wants, except in her mind.

Nivea, Not to get into a long drawn out discussion about this but I believe there is a difference between "hitting" and a swat on the butt. Yes I am pretty old school in that feeling. If my son's stepfather swatted his butt I would have no problems with that. Keep in mind, there is a difference like I said between swatting and abuse. I have stopped swatting both sons because I am preferring to reason with them. Im trying that tact.

Actually, no I do not see a difference between "swatting" and abuse. Perhaps that is another discussion. In some circles it is assault when the child is not yours biologically or adopted.

From what I have read from adult stepkids, unless the relationship between a step and child is about as close as it can get to bio and child in the normal sense of the words, "swatting" is going to backfire on you. It looks like it already did in your case.

What am I seeing in a lot of instances in blended family problems is someone insistence that what they are doing is not contributing to the problem. Little guy is scared of you, you *are* swatting and disciplining him, you don't have a bonded father - son relationship. I wouldn't think "swatting" would be a hill to die on. According to your post SS is 7 1/2 now? I would already think he is a touch too old for that anyway. In any case, if it is just a "swat" I think there are many more effective discipline measures than that.

You say you only have your son eow, I think it must be a bit different for you to have to parent full time. There are many resources on the web for effective parenting/co-parenting.

Hi! Sorry about the trouble that bring you here.
I think that your troubles will only continue, and quite possibly get worse, if mom is never the one to discipline. But also, IMO, you should not be doing the discipline anyway. It always spells trouble for any step parent, and you are best just to leave that to mom.

What Sweeby said. If Mom will not discipline, things will only get worse. Have a serious talk with her about this and get some counselling. Make it clear this is a dealbreaker- because ultimately it will be.
I don't think Sunny Jim is REALLY afraid of you- but it's a good tactic to use against you to bolster his cause.

so you swatt your SS and then you're surprised he dislikes you or he is scared. Duhh. what did you expect?

I am trying to do my best to ignore the comments about swatting but I am not doing a good job of it. I am going to go off on a tangent here. I am not a violent person or an abuser. TodayÂs culture has been so far removed from its principles of child rearing that it is ridiculous. I come here seeking guidance and that is what I have received from 5 of 7 respondents. The other two have been attacks on my use of swatting on the butt. Opinions are one thing but comments such as "duhh" and the twisting of a word from swatting to hitting to embellish a point are another. The tail does not wag the dog and children are not in charge of their parents. IMHO a parent that thinks that their children are on equal footing with them on everything from choosing what is for dinner, the clothes that they wear and the activities that they do are sorely mistaken. Yes it is good to give child choices but not to let them get what they want every time. We donÂt get that in out personal lives or in our work lives and I think that we are setting up our children for failure once they leave the nest. As I said earlier I am a little old school in my philosophy. What certain people need to remember (but usually never do) that if they want their opinions heard, they also have to hear others. People shout down what they don't believe in but they do not like it when they themselves are shouted down. Just because it is different doesnÂt mean it is wrong.

Blended,
I agree that swatting is not abuse necessarily. I am in the anti-spank camp myself, but I agree that the culture of child raising has become one of subservience which I think can be just as abusive, if not more abusive, to the child's long term well being than spanking. But I think in your situation it's probably not the best thing to do. You and your wife really need to iron out what is acceptable and then be united. As a mother, it is hard for me to share the discipline with anyone, but it's really to the benefit of the child for the two of you to establish understandable boundaries.

Tell your wife you want a healthy relationship with her son. Arguments about child-raising are one of the top reasons spouses fight, bio or step. Tell her you don't want to step on her toes as a parent, and you want to help her raise her son. Ask her what her expectations are, both of you as a co-parent and of him as a growing person. Work with her to establish a model of parenting that works for both of you. He will feel more secure and eventually appreciate you for being there for him. He thinks he has the power in this relationship, asking his mom to get rid of you. He needs to realize you are not going anywhere, and you are in for the long haul in this family.

So how's your old school philosphy of child rearing working for you?

Oh, thats right, the kid is scared of you and you have a "drastic" problem.

BTW, this is a public message board. You cannot guarantee what people will post to you. You cannot control it either. It seems to me if 5 of the 7 responses are about the same thing, then maybe you should take a look at it. Blind insistence that you are right is not going to get you anywhere. And probably translates to the same problem you are having in your blended family situation.

5 of the 7 are in a helpful nature, yours and one other is in an attacking nature. I do not need to go any farther, my point is proven.

Good woods Silver and I will tell her the second paragraph almost verbatim.
As for your first,
but I agree that the culture of child raising has become one of subservience which I think can be just as abusive, if not more abusive, to the child's long term well being than spanking.

did you mean the parent being subserviant to the child or the other way? My children are not expected to wait on me and have no choice or opinion. But they are still children. We as parents are the responsible parties.

You NEED to go to step family counseling! Your wife is not going to see the damage she's doing unless an outside person shows her. She'll be defensive with you and say you just don't like her kid or something.

I believe Lovehadley (correct me if I'm wrong) found a counseling group for her and her DH to go to and it really helped.

Sweeby is right about your wife being the problem; not the boy. He's not getting away with anything he's not allowed to. He's a kid who is pushing his boundaries. Unfortunately those boundaries aren't concrete barriers; they are way too moveable. Kids THRIVE on boundaries. They make them be more decisive when they are older.

My FDH's FSD's SF (you got that? lol!) was been allowed to spank FSD when she was littler. FDH does not agree with this and never has. It was always very disturbing when she would tell us that he spanked her. It's not that we don't believe in spanking (we believe it is an absolute last resort), but he is the SF and should leave the larger punishments to BM. I just don't agree with steps handing down big punishments. I say this as a FSM who would never feel I have the authority to step into that role.

We must have some seriously different meanings for words. What point is proven? You asked, people gave answers. Because they are not exactly what you want to hear doesn't mean they are attacking you. Weird.

I don't see how my post can be taken as attacking in nature or even attacking you. It has opinions stated with back up as to why.

You asked for help, people gave opinions. So whats your take on your situation? What can you differently or what do you think needs to be done?

Spanking does not ruin a child. HAHAHAHA I was spanked. My siblings were spanked. My parents were spanked. My husband was spanked. His kids get spanked. All of my friends were spanked and most of them now spank their children. As far as I can tell none of us have had any lasting emotional damage over a spank. It is a personal choice of the parent whether or not to spank a child. A swat isn't even a real spanking for pete's sakes. That being said....

If you and mom arn't on the same page you are going to have a conflict of interest where the disciplining is concerned. I don't doubt that the kid milks his mom for all she's worth. I know a fellow who is going through the SAME situation you are right now. The problem is the situation won't change unless mom makes some adjustments. If you continue trying to be the disciplinarian right now it's only going to get harder on you. Don't get me wrong, I am ALL for a kid getting the swat if they are acting crazy but it isn't really your place to be doing the swatting if mom doesn't agree with it.

You need to honestly discuss your views of discipline with each other. You are going to have to find the happy medium if you want to have a happy (existing) marriage. For right now though you need to LAY OFF. I have been involved with my step daughter for two years and I can only recall once in the two years where I actually popped one for biting. I try to let my husband deal with the discipline as much as possible even though he fully condons me being an active disciplinarian. He actually nags me for NOT spanking them when they need it...lol. I just don't see what you can accomplish by being the "bad guy" if mom doesn't support you to some extent.

How old is the child now?...This child has been through a great trauma and inherited a new stepdad rather quickly. He doesn't need swatting for god sake he needs understanding and love and unity with you and his mother. If your wife doesn't know what to do then this is the perfect time to sit down and discuss methods of discipline and stick together with it. I think when she is around, she should be the one to handle discipline. Its kind of normal for the mom to be a pushover in some respects. When my children were young they weren't afraid of me at all even though I handled 99% of the discipline. Sit down and talk to your wife with love and understanding. The child is just that, A child. Again, he's been through some very traumatic changes...give him some room to adjust

The SS is now 5 years 5 months. He is a very intelligent child and quite a ham. I have laid off like doodleboo has stated. This is the weird thing. The last three weeks have been in my mind great. I have done virtually no disciplining, positive reinforcement has been done at all times, bike rides, movies, hugs you name it, and then out of the blue he comes up with the divorce statement.

Clarification:

The parent being subserviant to the child. What I have noticed in the child/parent dynamic around me is that the kids call the shots. The parents are bending over backward to make sure the kids get all the stuff their friends have, the meals they want, the treats they want, etc. without contributing to the family dynamic. And by that I don't mean working 40 hour weeks, so please don't take that wrong!

This is a generation of instant gratification. Television, fast food, cell phones, the internet, all this technology combines to promote a faster life with more in it. Not holding children to a high level of accountability for their actions is abusive. They will learn that they do not have to accept responsibility for their actions and this will have an impact on their social, emotional and mental ability as adults.

My daughter is expected to do chores and to help out around the house. She's six. I don't make her scrub the toilet but she has to keep her room clean, etc. I don't let her dictate what we eat, but I ask her what she'd like for dinner and then cook that, within reason, on occasion. She gets choices pretty often, like, beans or peas for the veg. or something like that. She gets to choose one activity to do for sport out of a pre-selected group I offer to her.

My DD told me last night that folding her clothes was "boring". I agreed with her, and then asked her if she liked having clean clothes. She put them away without another word. I am not a maid. I am a mother, and I do my best to ensure she has all the things I can provide, including a work ethic and a sense of responsibility. I think doing everything for a child is abusive, and can be as abusive as spanking, and even more abusive in some ways because the reprecussions last well into adulthood while generally speaking from personal experience, a spanking is pretty much over within an hour of the incident.

You did the right thing by stepping back a little. Now just work on MOM. She's the real issue. You have to be on board together and in agreeance on the methods to use.

This child has been through alot I am sure but he still needs to behave. Guilty parenting is a trap alot of divorced parents fall into and it does NOTHING to help the child but teach them they can act out without consequence. We all know how WRONG that assumption is because life revolves around consequence. You don't pay your bills...you get bad credit. You don't pay rent....you get evicted. You hit a person as a adult....you got to jail. etc. etc.

It isn't healthy for a child to get away with bad behavior no matter what the situation. The discipline has to be fair, constant and consistent. It shouldn't change based on the situation.

Doodle...

"Guilty parenting is a trap alot of divorced parents fall into and it does NOTHING to help the child but teach them they can act out without consequence. We all know how WRONG that assumption is because life revolves around consequence...."

You said what I was trying to say, but better!

Every great now and then I say soemthing semi-intelligent....hahahaha.

"soemthing"

But I STILL can't type. LOL

I asked him why he is scared of me and he says that when he gets in trouble I yell at him or gives him a dirty look. I ask him what mommy does and he says the same thing. I then ask if he is scared of mommy and he says no. He just doesnt like that I follow through with the discipline IMHO.

That's not necessarily the difference. I was scared of my grandfather when I was a kid; not for any particular reason, he was just this really big male, talked in this really gruff voice, and just subjectively doesn't give off a warm, cuddly vibe. I *liked* him, I *loved* him, after all he's my grandpa, but I also really was kinda scared of him. And I couldn't have articulated why any better than your SS is doing. You are big (to a 5-year-old), male, loud (ie yelling), and it sounds like became instant disciplinarian and changed the rules he lives under without first developing a warm relationship. And, his mom is none of those things, plus, she's his mom. The warm cuddly parent-child bond thing was presumably very well established long before the first time she yelled at him. Being yelled at by his mom is simply not the same as being yelled at by you. He might be genuinely scared of you even if you are doing the exact same thing his mom does, and even if it doesn't scare her when she does it.

Sorry to hear your troubles, but welcome to the club :) Blending a family is the hardest thing ever. I'm sorry you were attacked here for "swatting" usually, it's safe to be honest.
My DH and I got together when my son was 4 1/2 too. My son and I share a bond I can't describe and I'm SURE he's thought similar thoughts of wishing my DH would go away and he could again be the only man in my life. He is mommas boy. Doesn't affect how he feels about his SD, he loves and adores him. I wouldn't worry too much because he said this once. I would worry if it was constant.

I have to agree with most here though, your wife needs to discipline more to allow you a relationship with SS outside of correcting him, or swatting him.

For what it's worth, everyone I know was spanked as a child for one reason or another, I even got a soapy mouth twice. Didn't hurt me, and you can bet I remember what I did and why it was wrong. When my daughter was little her Dad and I agreed we'd only spank if she was doing something she could get hurt by (penny in a light socket, running out in the street, that kind of stuff) Everything else, we've reasoned with her. I've kept that position with the boys. I honestly don't remember the last time I spanked her or my son (they're 13 & 8 now). My DH would be hesitant to spank/swat whatever my kids, although He'd have my full support because I trust his judgement, as I have the full support of my Husband and his exwife to swat their son if he's out of line. I choose not to, I assign most discipline to Dad because I want a relationship with him outside of disciplining him. It's a long slow process but keep working the positive reinorcements.

I would agree with some posts that mom should take the primary role of discipline. I do not discipline my skids. I'll verbally tell them off if they talk back to me but they clearly know i'm a fair person and i just do not take anyone cr*p including their dads...lol...
I butt heads with stepdaughter but not directly. Its what she says to her dad that i just get up in arms. demanding that we do not do anythign until she visits...so i told my dh...so your son and our son will suffer and be bored until she decides to comedown to visit and will only visit if we are 'doing ' a trip outting??? how shallow is that???? he thanks God told her that regardless whether she was here or not plans will be made and that she will just miss them if she is not here. And he said this ot her before i gave my opinion so i'm glad that this values are instigated. Its not fair to my SS or son that they miss out on a trip because she decided to be withher friends....i'm ranting....sorry.
Yah, about the divorce line, kids say the darndest things. You know , even when things are going great here in my household, a few years back at the beginning of the relationship, the kids would do this. THey would pop up saying out of the blue if my dh would get back togheter with mom....i think its just the kids are having a good fun time and it reminds them of what they had in thepast and i dont think you should think too much of it...i know it hurts...and you feel...wtf? what am i doing wrong? You doing nothing wrong...its just an innocent child expressing something , a need, they clearly do not fully understand.
Continue with the positive reinforcement, step back onthe discipline and let mom spank her child. I'm old school as well and believe that a little spank when things get out of hand needs to be dealt with but i do not believe in spankingother peoples children. I wouldn't want my child spanked by stepmom or stepdad or even aunt, uncle etc...
My SD slapped my sons hand for doing something bad. I told her, no, you do not discipline, its my job and my job only wth your dad. You are not an adult. (biomom places her as the discipline for her younger brother so she assumes the role with no thought) I know your mom places you inthe position but under my roof you will not have that title.
She never did it again and i think she is happy in not feeling responsible. I do not beleive in placing such responsibility on a child shoulders..they should concentrate onlearning,,having fun and being a kid.

I wonder how much of this is normal little boy fantasies where the boy wants his mother all to himself. Having to share her with you may be something he's having a hard time with. Maybe if you each took turns with one-on-one time with him, that might help. For example, your wife spends every Saturday morning reading to him.

Being consistent with discipline is so important. It sounds like you're really working at that. You and your wife need to agree on the ways you want to discipline and then follow through. It's typical for the male to be feared more than the female. That's just the nature of the beast.