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Parenting out of Guilt

18 years ago

My DH has admitted that he is parenting his son out of guilt. I was wondering if anyone had advise or a good book for him.

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Comments (3)

slowdowntherecrazy
18 years ago
That happens a lot believe it or not..... Almost as much as people not parenting their children because of guilt. It's sad, but it's true.

http://www.geocities.com/stepfamilyhelppagenewsletter//guiltparenting.html

Someone pointed the original website out to me earlier and I love it so far.

Hope this helps!!
onedown
Original Author
18 years ago
I actually found this site through the one you suggested. I started disengaging about 2 years ago but didn't know that's what it was called. My SS is with us full time for 4 years now, his BM abandoned him and his sister (which is 19 now)SD moved out in Sept. this year and I thought things would be so much better NOT...SS also has BM parents who Grandparent out of guilt.They all want to make up for BM leaving him.I feel like I'm the only one who sees what distruction they are causing in his life by parenting out of guilt.It is so hard for me to seperate myself from giving input because I feel the mistakes my DH makes with SS will effect our future.I have 2 BKs from previous marriage and my DH and I have 1 BK together.Our BK told me that she thinks SS doesn't want us to be together because when I come home SS starts acting bad so my DH and I will fight.Our BK is 9 years old and she sees this but my DH does not.I guess this has to do with the whole guilt parenting.. I feel he would rather fight with me than correct SS.I know I have a long road ahead but it helps talking about it and knowing there are other SM out there who go through it daily like myself.
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So I have more to add to my comment DH pissed me off when I got home today. I rarely ask him to pick up my DD for me because I feel that it is my responsibility to get her and then I can't complain if SM does it so I try to be fair -- I don't like it that she does it so I make sure it's always me. Lol that's just one of my little things. Anyway. Today I wanted to go to the store and get a few things but I knew that DD would have homework AND needed dinner AND had 7pm piano so... I asked DH to pick up both kids, get them home, get DD started on homework, reminded him that DS would need a potty reminder AS SOON as they got home, and to start dinner. Monday Is easy oven pizza night so it wasn't a huge dinner thing to fix. I got Home 30 minutes after him to find DS had pooped his pants and was playing (in dirty pants) not literally but they had not been changed. Dinner was cooking, DD was screaming/squealing at DH because he was 'picking' on her and her homework wasn't started. Picking - I get so annoyed by his picking. He is playing and he will twirl her hair while she is reading and she gets ticked. He will tell her she has something on her chin so she goes to check and there is nothing there - which then sends her in to squealing mode again argh! I know he is kidding but my nerves can only take so much .... And then we were late for class because she wasn't done eating... It was like, I should have just done it myself -- period. Should have gone to the store this morning or last night. Sometimes I feel like I have to do everything and it drives me insane. It drives me to exhaustion. Well at least I didn't have to clean up DS's poopy undies. Lol that was all on DH!!
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http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_ss_/103-4591040-2607854?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=parenting+without+guilt That is a link to amazon.com's Parenting without guilt section. I hope this helps!
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slowdowntherecrazy
18 years ago
Oh yeah.... in different ways, we all go through it. DH's don't want to see their "little angel's" flaws and would rather blame it on anyone but their child. Namely us for bringing it up. It's natural. My SO does it and others do too. It's not an exclusive thing, and you're right, the choices he makes right now will affect your future together. The more resentful you get of this child and how he behaves, the more resentful you'll get towards DH and that's a bad thing.

My SD's grandmother on SO's side does the same thing. Buying her stuff, not enforcing SO's grounding, that kind of thing.... It's a total nightmare, I know.

I've gotten several suggestions of finding a good (not an "excuses") counselor, and I think it's a very good suggestion. For the entire family even. You might look into that. I'm also looking into joining a gym. It will give me a few hours a week to get the frustration worked out, and at the same time time to think about what I want to say to my SO.

Really all I can say is to have patience. That's what everyone is telling me. I'm writing my SO a letter explaining to him exactly how I feel, how my child feels, and how I feel about his complete disregard to what I tell him about actions around our house. I'll let you know if it works or if I just get the same old lip service.

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