"that biomom was a raging alcoholic and DH spent as much time at work as possible to escape this home life, so older SS was left to bear the brunt of his mother's drunken wrath."

Is it ok with you that your husband did that? Why did he not stay home to raise and to protect his oldest son? So often I read about fathers who failed their first children, and were much better fathers to later children, and somehow think that makes up for the way they treated the older ones.

$1000 is huge amount of money. your SS should be thrilled he gets that much money monthly. he is not.... these issues are pretty deep, might not even be about money...

both SS sound very troubled. it is not a surprise that he has deep seated issues with anger toward his parents. would you blame him? did he ever got to alateen or alanon? he definitelly should. even if his mother does not drink anymore, growing up in alcoholic household scars people for life. he sounds like he needs a lot of help wiht his issues. and i think he might be demanding more money because he feels that his parents failed him and now owe him somehting.

No, TOS, it is not ok with me that DH failed his children 16 years ago. I first learned of this because my MIL shared with me stories of visiting them, and witnessing the treatment of her two young grandsons. MIL told me, "I felt bad for John (not his real name), but it was his choice to stay with her and put up with that. I really felt bad for the boys - they didn't have a choice."

DH should have left his ex-wife then, and taken the boys with him. Instead, he gave her a choice - she could get help, or he would leave. She finally got help, but not before the damage was done.

I am sure that both of my stepsons have been very damaged by their mother's alcoholism, their father's absence from home during that time, their parents' divorce, and their mother's moving halfway across the country from them. It hasn't helped either that biomom's philosophy of parenting is "let's be friends and I'll let you party all you want" and dad's philosophy is "things will somehow work out, and if they don't, I'll throw money at it."

I don't "blame" either of my stepsons for any of the issues they have. A lot of their behavior is, I'm sure, driven by their young childhoods, as well as how both mom and dad parented them. I had a front-row seat to older SS getting in trouble, getting arrested in high school for drugs, and having no consequences. I have gone from feeling sorry for our two older boys, to being frustrated by their lack of any sense of personal responsibility (which I'm sorry to say, and I'm sure will anger TOS and kkny, but they learned that behavior from their Biomom), to wishing I could have been there when they were younger to protect them from their idiot parents.

DH is better with the younger kids. He doesn't parent them out of guilt. Plus, in addition to being a mean, evil stepmom, I'm also a mean, evil biomom. I have confidence that the three younger children will grow up relatively happy, and I'm reasonably certain that SS18, having gone through rehab and on-going therapy, is on his way to a happier, purposeful life.

I can totally understand why SS21 would have deep-seated anger and issues with his bio parents. I don't understand what issues he would have with me.

Tamar, I urge you to patiently listen to whatever he has to say to you specifically and to not raise any objection nor interference to him telling his father what he needs to tell him privately. The way his parents (bio & step) handle this very sensitive matter will have an enormous effect on his relationships with everyone for years to come. You, and his bio-parents, have the opportunity here to really reach a turning point on the road toward improving the situation for everybody.

Really, it shouldn't be a big sacrifice for you to make, emotionally, time-wise or energy-wise. You yourself describe your reaction to this prospect as being "annoyed". Not "devastated", not "exhausted", not "terrified" and not "mortified". So that right there is a good start. What is simply "annoying" to you to hear about for maybe an hour is a set of circumstances throughout his formative years that no child should ever have to deal with, and which have shaped his life.

I'd be thankful he even wants to talk about it with any of his parents (bio/step) and that he is self-aware enough to acknowledge his feelings as anger. He wants to talk about it in hopes of reaching an understanding (and perhaps, too, to get an apology for those early childhood circumstances ---or even just an acknowledgement that they did in fact happen and that it was in fact unfair--- from his bio-parents for which really is not too much for him to ask). If he hated his parents, or thought the situation was hopeless or that he was not going to be able to safely share his feelings w/o the risk of rejecting repprisals, he would not even bother to open the subject up for discussion. Even still, I'm sure it's very difficult for him to broach. He knows he's "the kid" facing several adults who have always had (and still do) much more power than him, both individually and combined as a group. Also, if he thought the situation was "just fine" (with him being spoiled materially and ill-equipped for the path to adult independence), he would just continue to take advantage without complaint.

He may very well be spoiled materially... but this is an entirely separate issue. Material goods & money aren't the same "currency" as the emotional nurturance issues. Perhaps he himself has been on some level equating the two, thinking that being materially spoiled will compensate for his deep-seated childhood scars. Hopefully this process he has begun of discussing his feelings of anger will help him seprate the two realms.

All you have to do is listen patiently, non-judgmentally and non-defensively. And then after he has said what he needs to say, all you have to say in response (even if you are upset inside) is: "I can very clearly see how hard these things have been for you, and I am sorry you have felt so bad at various times. I am glad you shared your feelings, and I want you to continue to feel safe doing so."

You don't have to promise to change anything you're not comfortable changing (unless you feel you should), and you don't have to feel guilt at hearing any of it. You just have to allow him the freedom to safely share his feelings, whether or not you agree with them or do anything whatsoever in response. If you can do that, I will guarantee you that the whole situation will start to improve drastically.

He also said that once he discusses these issues with his parents, he also has some issues to address with stepmom as well.

Don't get too worked up about it before you hear what he has to say. For all you know (well, from what you've posted, anyway) the "issues" he's planning to discuss with you are apologizing for being a little s#!t when he was a teen and thanking you for stepping in and being a parent for him.

((Yes, I'm an optimist today))
:-)

parents are parenting out of guilt and SS feels entitled.

I still can't get over 1000 allowance a month. if his tuition and cost of living is paid, why does he need that much money? i wonder if since he is angry about his parents (rightfully) he thinks now he is going to make them pay (literally) for what they did to him. sad.

hahah i agree with quirk. maybe he is going to say that mom and dad failed him and he is greatful that there is SM who stepped up. that would be nice. unlikely though...

i still hope someone suggests that he goes to alanon meetings. it would help him to accept the fact of his mom drinking when he was growing up. I am optimistic too.

or maybe (pessimistic here...) he will say that because of SM he only gets 1000 a month but he would really want 2000. ha.

I definitely think SS21 needs to be in some sort of 12-step program. Al-Anon is okay, but it tends to be more geared towards spouses of alcoholics. ACOA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) is a GREAT program, but the meetings are harder to find.

My mom is an alcholic. She has been sober for 7 years now.

She drank from the time I was 8 years old until I was 21. It SUCKED. There is no other word...it really, really SUCKED.

I grew up in a very affluent home and community. Dad has a Phd. Mom has two Masters degrees. My brother and I attended private schools from the start, summer camps, country clubs, exepensive SUVS when we turned 16...

And it was the most unhappy existence because everything in our lives was a farce....I remember feeling like I was this MASK of a person, like I was an actor playing a role, I couldn't let anyone see that my mom was a drunk. As a girl, it was devastating to have my mother emotionally abandon me over and over.

I felt like NO ONE knew the real me, everything was a big secret, and I just put up this huge wall around myself.

My mom was a binge drinker--she would NEVER drink in public. She started drinking while cooking dinner when we were little--she was stressed w/two little kids--and my dad would come home from work and expect the house to be perfect, dinner to be ready, etc. So that's how it started.

By the time I was 9-10, about 4 or 5 times a year, she would drink herself into a stupor and pass out for DAYS. We would find bottles of vodka hidden all over the house.

She started seeing a psychiatrist and he prescribed valium. She almost killed herself mixing the valium and alchol more times than I care to think about...

By the time I was 14-16, she had been all over the country to different rehab centers. I had seen her be carted out of our house in an ambulance several times. My brother and my dad and I sat in the hospital with her while she ripped IVs out and spit at the doctors and nurses. She was pulled over for drunk driving a couple times, but becasue she was an attractive white woman in a Mercedes in a nice area, the police would always feel sorry for her, and call my dad to pick her up.

The counselor our entire family was seeing sat my brother and I down and said our mom was very likely to die.

My dad filed for divorce when I was 17, and it was granted when I was 18.

The damage to me was really deep, and I didn't even realize it myself until a few years ago, and got into ACOA. The issues are so far-reaching. Adult Children have so many personality traits and characteristics, and behavioral issues that really cannot be ignored.

I would seriously urge your SS to get into some sort of group where he is working a program and actively addressing the issues/pain that haunts him. It probably wouldn't be a bad thing for you and your DH to go to Al-Anon or even some open ACOA meetings so you can understand.

THe sense of entitlement doesn't surprise me at all..that is a definite characteristic of an adult child.

..guess at what normal is.

...have difficulty in following a project through from beginning to end.

...lie when it would be just as easy to tell the truth.

...judge themselves without mercy.

...have difficulty having fun.

...take themselves very seriously.

...have difficulty with intimate relationships.

...overreact to changes over which they have no control.

...constantly seek approval and affirmation.

...feel that they are different from other people.

...are either super responsible or super irresponsible.

...are extremely loyal, even in the face of evidence that loyalty is undeserved.

My mom finally got sober when I was PG with my DD. I really feel that maybe knowing she was going to be a grandma was what it took for her....who knows...I will say, she is a WONDERFIL grandma, my DD ADORES her. My mom has made ammends to me and to my brother, and even my dad. She has said to me that she cannot change what she did in the past, or her parenting mistakes with us...but she can make up for it by being a wonderful, loving grandmother to my daughter. She definitely does.

She wasn't a BAD mom to us..when she was sober, she was GREAT. She read to us every single night, played games, took us on awesome trips, hugged us all the time, and was really involved in schools and everything.

But it took me really getting serious about working through my own issues to REMEMBER those good things. I was so focused on the bad for so long....

But all that did was hurt ME. LETTING GO and forgiving my mom was the best thing I ever did.

And I am so happy we have a GREAT relationship today, and that she is in recovery.

I wish you and your SS the best.

love, Alanon is not geared toward anyone specific it is for anyone whose life is or was effected by anyone's drinking or drug using: friend, niece, sister, child, parent, spouse, girlfriend, grandparent, whoever etc. At least in my area it is not specifically for spouses at all.

love, it is great that you worked the program. It is very sad to watch how people go through resentments their whole life. i also hope that SS21 will get some help.

Lovehadley,

So sorry to hear about what must have been an incredibly difficult childhood dealing with an alcoholic parent. You describe the situation with the clarity of someone who has really plumbed its depths and come out the other side. Glad to hear your mother is sober now and that (even though it was likely hard word work for both of you) you have a good relationship with her.

Its redirected anger. I go through it like a rollercoaster with my SD.
He's an adult, 21 and if he wants to talk them out, let him that is his right. But you as a person, know yourself. You know what you have and have not done. Do not take it personal in what he says. Its emotional damage because of his mother. People who have emotional damage like this tend to project and no they do not like it when facing other people who are truly happy in their lives. THis is your SS issues. Do not let his sourness spread to the rest of your family.
Help him understand and listen. And if you do not agree then just tell him ' you agree to disagree' Your perspective is not his and he will just have to accept it , like you accept his attitude as well.
Your SS has issues himself. dont take it personal. In the last month, my own cousin projected his anger with issues he has on his own and yet he holds me responsible. I told him off and said live in yoru own world and live in your own misery. I will not be held responsible for such poppycock.
Has your husbands son ever seen a coucilor? Maybe his couselor is encouraging him to speak up and unload. I think it would be fair to listen to him regardless who he blames. If he needs this as therapy then give it a go and dont' take it personal.

"love, Alanon is not geared toward anyone specific it is for anyone whose life is or was effected by anyone's drinking or drug using: friend, niece, sister, child, parent, spouse, girlfriend, grandparent, whoever etc. At least in my area it is not specifically for spouses at all."

I know that is what the actual program description says...but from my own personal experience (and I have been to many, many meetings), the majority of Al-Anon members are spouses of alcoholics.

I'm not saying that other people affected by alcoholism can't or don't go---but from the meetings I have attended, I have personally found that *most* people in those meeting have a "primary alcoholic" in their life who is a spouse/partner.

That is why I suggested Adult Children for the OP's SS...simply because that is a group specifically designed for the grown children of alcoholics. Ala-Teen is great for younger adolescents, ACOA is great for the adults still struggling with the effects of living with an alcoholic parent.

you are right, lovehadley. I see what you are saying. makes sense.

unfortunatelly many people oppose to any kind of support groups or threrapy. unless SS wants to attend one, nobody can push him.

"unfortunatelly many people oppose to any kind of support groups or threrapy. unless SS wants to attend one, nobody can push him"

This is so true.