Red flags all over the place. Does he get physically abusive? What does he do to the pets? Because that is probably what he will do to you.

Why are women so "nice"???? He is verbally and emotionally abusive and belittles you, yet you are worried about hurting his feelings? He can take care of himself.

As for his saying he loves you and buying you stuff - that is like buying off a kid with some candy and a toy. It is also the hallmark of an abuser. They get very sweet after they abuse the victim.

You sound like a smart girl. I think you know the answer to this.

@scarlett2001
He has never been physically abusive to me, though he has lost his temper on one of our dogs once (that I know of). And I believe that he threw an object at my mom's crated dog while we were gone from the house because the dog was incessantly barking.
I ask him what he expects me to think if we were to thave children, but he insists that I'm overreacting because, he says, "you can reason with children, at least, eventually."
There was one time where he came very close to grabbing my shirt during an argument, but thought better of it.
He just gets upset over the most minute things and he acts very irrational.
I asked him recently why he loves me and wants to be married to me. He didn't say anything for a minute or two. Then he answered that he liked my sense of humor (which is hypocritical since he's constantly complaining about my sarcasm), and he said that there is "just something about me".
I do know what is best for me. It's just such a big decision that I just want to ask as many people for advice as I can to be absolutely certain.

"..he does let me have almost anything I want if we can afford it and that I would hurt him if I left..."

And you're going to let this impact your decision? If you do, and wind up staying with him, when things get really bad in future you will have no one to blame but yourself.

Please don't have kids with this man until he gets his anger under control...it will only make things worse.

@mkroopy
It's just weird because when we're not actually fighting, things are great. We just had a fight, one that was bad enough to make me feel that we should go to marriage counseling again. When I brought it up to him he said that we didn't need to bother our counselor with it- our problems are things that my husband and I need to discuss.
Anyway, we did end up going, but he only went to hear what I had to say. Afterwards, when we were in the car, he was all smiles and asked if everything was okay. Since the sessiion, I have been rather standoffish just because I feel cold towards him and the things he has put me through. But he has been doing things that he doesn't normally do- calling me pet names, asking if I want to cuddle, sending me "I love you" messages from work.
I guess it's these actions from him that make me wonder if I am jerk for acting like it's "too little, too late". It's just that, this cycle keeps happening over and over again.

No, this is him realising that if you divorce, he may lose half your mutual assets. Now that you're showing signs of not being happy, he's covering his a$$. See how he didn't have anything to say to the counsellor?
If he thinks you can reason with children, clearly he hasn't had anything to do with them very much. How can you reason with someone who doesn't even speak English? Don't have children with this man. Your first instinct, to leave, is a good one. Don't second guess yourself and stay in an abusive relationship, leave ASAP.

@colleenoz
Thank you for your reply.
Yeah, basically the only thing that he had to say to the counselor was about how hurt he was about a comment that I made. After our last conflict, I had tried to talk to him and he blew me off. I told him, "Well, I tried to talk to you and you ignored me. Just come to me when you're ready to be a husband." Granted, it was probably harsh to put my feelings in those words, but I was basically saing that I was done chasing him like I always do. If he wanted to fix the problem, he needs to come to me and show me. The way I presented my emotions rubbed him the wrong way because he said to the counselor, "Being a husband is all encompassing, It's not just about emotions." Well, yeah. But it is also about my emotions and, most of the time, he does a terrible job taking care of them.

The sweetness is a manipulation tactic. It's a classic. Are you still going to counseling without him? If you have a competent counselor, that may be the support you need to think your way through this.

"Currently I can't even say that I am in love with him anymore."

Do you have parents or an older, trusted family member who can give you some support, and listen to your problems ?

You sound like a sensible girl. You don't seem to think he would make a good father.

For him to improve his anger issues he would have to admit that he has problems. This will be difficult for him.

You are still young and have a lot of years ahead of you. Time to think about YOUR future without a manipulating man in your life.

This is common and typical of emotionally and verbally abusive men. Everything you said and everything you came back to add are all typical. Everything he does; all of his reasons; his refusal to go to counseling saying "we don't need it"; your complaints; how you feel about it all, every bit of it - typical. You can read up on verbal and emotional abuse to understand what is happening to you.

Unfortunately, there are no answers and no solution except for you to get away from him. Yes, he will cry and beg and plead with you not to leave (or to come back). Yes, he will have you thinking you have hurt him terribly. Yes, he will declare how much he loves you and tell you everything you want to hear. Yes, you will feel guilty like it's an awful thing you did to leave him or to even think about leaving him. Then, you will change your mind and give him another chance. For a while, things will be much better, but they always turn back around again. You're already familiar with the cycles. They never stop repeating.

All of that is typical too.

You can be the typically abused woman and spend a bunch more years of your life in these cycles, or you can break the cycle for yourself and move on because he will never change. I know it's not easy. It's hard as can be, and you want to be certain you're making the right decision. That also is common, but these are your only options - stay or leave.

YES. Sounds like a crap way to live, to me. And I know. He sounds like an emotional abuser to me. and I know.

You are worthy of a life, too. Without rage and mean.

Think about it. What will happen if he tires of just yelling and throwing? WHAT IS IT THAT YOU ARE WAITING FOR? GET OUT! Now while you can. Find someone that respects you. Treats you with compassion. Stop selling yourself short. Aren't you worthy of love and compassion and at the very least - RESPECT?

It is NOT working. Of course he will tell you anything to get you to stay, for you feel a need of HIS! A sick, co-dependent need. Please get out. You see the warnings - HEED THEM.
Perhaps get help for yourself if you feel - as to why you would allow someone to harm you emotionally and lie to get you to stay in harms way? Protect yourself. NOW.

Trust me. I know. Good luck to you.

Please please get out now! They never change! Take it from from me I've lived your life, had kids with a abusive man n it would be great for a little while ( he bought me everything gave me $700 of my own a week just for me!) But his abuse n rages would get worse every time. He eventually started physical abusing me! So I took my two baby sons 2 n 4 n hid in a shelter n then moved away where u knew he couldn't find me.don't be Luke me n wakeup one day in ur 30's n have wasted all those yrs. I lost 10 yrs I can never get back

I have a husband with rage issues. He will fly into a rage, where he screams and shouts and then ignores me for hours. He is a fantastic man otherwise. He was in a coma after a car accident. What now PLEASE ? son

Good grief.

If he didn't act this way before the accident, get him to the doctor.

If he did act this way before the accident, get out of there.

Thanx for your speedy response! I REALLY appreciate it. Will heed your advice!

Do!

& take care!

Go to your family or a friend. This is no way to live.

My ex went into rages over every little thing. My daughter started looking at him anxiously. I left, and I have never regretted it.

Sometimes when a marriage is having difficulty you must do a lot of soul searching and ask yourself "Am I better off with my spouse, or am I better off without my spouse?"

I too am in a simular situation. My husband cussed me, degrades me (no matter who we ate in front of), and has even been violent. We have a 4 year old, and the last time he for mad he locked me in the bathroom, and took my son. He filed divorce then came back one night, at this point I would of done anything to get my son back. I had just sold my home because he wanted me to, my father left me. He got his, and they were his, bills paid off. He wanted use to have a house we picked out together. He really wanted me helpless. At least I would of always had a place to go. So he ran off with all the money for a lawyer and hit me up with divorce papers. He is mean ass hell, pardon the language ) I want out so bad, but I'm stuck. I can see how women stay in it, they strip you of your diginity, and take away all funds. I've always worked but now he won't let me because I need to be home with my son, he says it wouldn't help and always finds a reason I can't go back to work. I don't really wanna cross him cause it's hell to pay. I'm stuck, scared, and have no family to turn to

Take your son and head for a women's shelter. In a divorce you should end up with at least half of your joint property, but even walking away with nothing has to be better than staying for a lifetime of crap. Don't stay and have your son growing up thinking that this is how men should behave.

When i left my ex, decided he could keep what he wanted. i was so much happier that i never missed anything. Built my own life for me and my daughter, and it all worked out fine. Years later, ex committed suicide.

Years later, ex committed suicide.

How awful for your daughter. Suicide has a way of being contagious in families. God forbid your ex may have planted an emotional time bomb. Though you might feel relieved or even vindicated by your husband's suicide, your daughter didn't just lose her father, she was rejected by him. He chose death over sticking around to be there for all of the milestones to come in her life, over becoming a grandpa. To lose one's parent is always painful. To lose one's parent to a tragic death is harder. To have to carry the knowledge that one's parent chose death over sticking around for his own children leaves scars that never really heal.

She was almost 30 when it happened, and they hadn't been in contact for a long time. it was still horrible for her. i never said anything bad about him, but he had been trying off and on for years. He was a mentally ill alcoholic, and after he died his therapists (he was seeing two) said they were both surprised he had made it as long as he did.

Although I don't have any personal experience with this.... I have been with my hubby for 22 years, and we started dating when I was 16 and he was 17, and we are happily married. I do know that it will not get any better without some sort of intervention. You are a smart young lady to not bring children into this situation. You deserve a hug and a pat on the back for knowing that having children, with this type of volatile man, would be a bad idea. Children are wonderful gifts, but they DO NOT fix any situation. They make everything more complicated and stressful. That I know very well. I had my children young, and I had NO IDEA what I was getting myself into! I think that your instincts are telling you all that you need to know. Making a big change like leaving him, is so very difficult, but from reading your post, you know that it is your only choice. Be smart and careful. I have heard of stories of verbally abusive men becoming physically abusive when their wives try to leave. He needs to do some work on himself and try to figure out why he is so volatile. Without that kind of realization, there is no hope for your relationship. In fact, there is not hope for him to have a successful relationship with any woman. Do what you need to, and be safe. You deserve a partner that loves you and values you. Someone that is a stress reliever, not a stress creator. I've told many people in my life..... Your partner should be the one person in the world that you can share your life with and make everything that has gone wrong, feel right. Blessings and prayers to you.....

good grief, bb, do you *ever* have anything positive, non-negative, non-accusatory, non-inflammatory to offer?

You already know what you should do. Hope all is well with you. Take care.

The only thing we cannot replace is time. Do you want to spend yours with this man?

I know how you fell, I have a husband like that but I also have kids with him, I'm stuck

No you’re not. Take the kids and go. Otherwise your kids learn that this kind of behaviour is acceptable. Then your sons will emulate Dad’s behaviour as adults, and your daughters will emulate yours. Do you want to bring up your sons to be abusers and your daughters to expect and accept abuse? Staying makes you complicit in continuing this toxic cycle.

Go to family, friends, a women’s shelter, but just go. Being poor and safe is better than being financially OK and abused.

Have you suggested that he sees a therapist?