This is hard for me to beleive. First, havent they told others (obviously yes, you and your DD). Is there a chance another one will tell his son? I would think yes. To me there is no excuse for telling family members and not telling his DS. Second, at a minimum, I would tell advise telling ALL family no later than 3rd month. If the mother is not expecting a difficult pregnancy (based on consultation with Dr.) I would go for ASAP. I would tell X, not my business, but if his son feels dad hasnt been honest with him that will be more damaging.

of course everyone knows. grandparents etc unless X told them not to tell his son, they will. but he must already know if it shows. If X feels that his son could be stressed since this one is TOW and dad just recently left mom, then X had to think first and not make his TOW pregnant that soon. And maybe he should not be having affairs to begin with.

DD's brother is a very nice little boy, I hate for him to grow messed up because people lie to him. Of course not my business but I mean how crazy is that...

Many little boys aren't particularly in tune with adult women's bodies.
So it's quite possible he hasn't really noticed.

A__ met my sister when she was only just pregnant (Around this same time, my SIL made a comment about my sister's expanding belly to her kids (my 8yo nephew and 6yo niece) and my nephew's reply was "huh? I hadn't noticed"

So if those little boys are any indicator, maybe your ex's son truly doesn't know.

This boy is actually much above average in every sense, he is a gifted boy. DD was way above average norm, but this kid is even above that at young age. He is anything but clueless.

But this is besides the point if he knows or not, he might not know if her stomach is not big yet and if she wears loose clothes.

My shock is with X not telling him directly out of fear to upset him. This is a typical guilt parenting, he already upset him! I watched guilt parenting with exBF. I do not understand why men parent out of guilt.

Ceph, the first thing I thought when I read your post is 'yeah, most [adult] guys are clueless...'

But, then it is sad that this little boy is probably going to be more affected by his father's running around, than his daughter. Little boys model after their father. His father should be teaching him, through his actions, how to be a man someday. It's too bad. and now another kid... sad.

This is a little off topic, but what a creep this guy is!!!!! he just runs around having affairs and impregnating these women? That sucks for the kids AND TOWs.

Back on topic......I think all children should know pretty much right away. If something goes wrong and mom has to be hospitalized for whatever reason, kids would be devastated to find out then that they had a sibling on the way. It sounds like to me the reason they don't want to tell him is so that X doesn't find out and make things difficult.

fine, I wouldn't think he's parenting out of guilt like a lot of parents that parent out of guilt. I think most parents that parent out of guilt, feel guilty for hurting their kids. Your ex sounds like he is trying to hide the fact his new wife is pregnant so soon and it will make him look like a bigger ass to his son. He doesn't want his son to know what a jerk he is. There is a difference.

DH and I discussed this, as we have been trying to conceive for 5 months. Except my BC, no one knows about this, btw. We do not want anyone to ask, "are you pregnant, yet?" It is hard enough facing disappointment without others reminding us. My BC figured it out due to some medical intervention...
We decided this:
Tell no one for at least 2 months, just in case there is a miscarriage or miscalculation of dates.
Tell immediate family first--there will be some shock--let it settle in with them first. I am very worried about how the SC will react, esp. SD16.
Then tell others.
Our biggest worry is that someone else will figure it out and it will get back to the SC before DH tells them. That's why we moved up from a 3 month wait to 2.

I'm with Ima on this one. He's not parenting out of guilt -- He's parenting out of cowardice.

But even though I'm confident his motives are all wrong, I do think there's a grain of validity to his viewpoint. That boy has been through so much so quickly, that adding more fuel to the flame should be postponed as long as possible. (Of course, the better method would have been waiting to create another child.)

How long is that? Clearly, not much longer if she's already showing and other people know.

Not telling DS is the cowardly way out, and I think it never pays in the end. Xs DS will remember that Dad doesnt tell him. Even if he doesnt understand now, he will in a few years. It never pays to be less than honest. The DS may think Dad doesnt care about him, or is ashamed of new sibling, or a lot of other things.

ashley X is a moron, but I do not know who you mean by impregnating all these women. I find it rather offensive. I was married to X and was not impregnated by no one, it was mutual decision and I was pregnant only after I was married because we wanted to have DD. Same with 2nd wife, she was married and they had a child because they wanted to have a kid (the only kid for her). 2nd wife was not TOW.

He did run around with TWO and apparently impregnated her. But that's one woman. Who are these women in plural you are talking about I do not know. I don't run around with any men. I did not post here to be insulted.

exactly kkny, honesty is always better. Especially with the kid who is old enough to understand. baby is due in october, but X says it shows already.

right, sweeby, postponing might make some sense, but wouldn't it make more sense to wait with the baby to begin with. I wonder if TOW wanted to be pregnant to secure her position quickly. Baby was not planned and was unexpected according to X.

In any case it would be wise to wait longer to have another kid, at least a year, but since it happened, he needs to get some guts and tell his kid.

iamommy I think both boys and girls are equally effected. the only difference here is that DD is a grown woman, not a child. Her brother is a young kid and of course the effect is totally different.

as DD says: "dad is being dad" It says it all.

it was double affair by the way. TOW was also married, no kids though, she left her husband for X.

My gawd, fd, you skeered the bejeebers outta me!

"Xs DS will remember that Dad doesnt tell him. Even if he doesnt understand now, he will in a few years. It never pays to be less than honest. The DS may think Dad doesnt care about him, or is ashamed of new sibling, or a lot of other things."

Amen to that.

Keeping secrets like that would make anybody uncertain just where they stand & what's going on, & you *can* tell kids without making a big production out of it.

which reminds me of the the boy who asked his mother "Where'd I come from?"

Mom sat him down & gave him the speech, complete with mommies & daddies loving each other & seeds being planted & special places for the seeds to grow, & when she was finished she said gently, "Does that answer your question?"

The little boy said, "not really...Timmy said he came from Cleveland".

(((wiping coffee off my monitor that first Fine and then Ceph caused me to spit with this post!)))

I am really split with this one. My first reaction (after thinking Fine was PG!) was that dad is a coward and parenting based on fear of his son's reaction. I agree for all the reasons above that son needs to be told now before he hears it from someone else, intentional or not.

BUT - I also think Sweeby makes a point that this poor boy's world is in an uproar with the slpit of his family unit - will he feel dad is replacing his with this new baby? How devestating for a young child.

Bottom line, it's going to happen. This isn't something that can be hidden indefinitely, so even if it will rock son's world he needs to know. . . and that knowledge needs to come from his dad.

I think that if your going to share your pregnancy news with people who may tell your children then you better spill the news to your kids first! I wouldn't want my kids feeling like they were the last to know because they heard it from someone else. How awful!!

Though I do think waiting a few months to let kids know may be a good idea. My skids bm told her a few years ago that she was pregnant. Then in her second month she miscarried. The kids were very confused about it and the bm had picked names already. Very hard situation for all involved.

Sorry, Fine. I didn't not mean to insult you. I was not including you in the "all these women" scenario and I made an incorrect assumption that 2nd wife was a TOW that resulted in pregnancy as did the 3rd. I apologize if I offended you. Certainly not my intent.

LOL - sorry JNM - hope your computer cleaned up alright!
(I wasn't actually trying to be funny or alarming... So I'm curious what made you spit your coffee?)

That's all right ashley, i see now you did not know. He has met his 2nd wife about 6-7 years after we got divorced. We were married only 5 years and in a very young age, he was married to DD's SM 10 years. he has two kids from two marriages -DD and her brother. None of this is that horrible, it is pretty normal. And he takes care of his kids, DD is very close to her father.

But his affair now is nasty for number of reasons. She apparently was a wife of his friend. I don't know what kind of marriage he had, he never talked about his 2nd wife to me, never even mentioned, he does talk about this woman. DD liked her. But then DD is easy going, she gets along wiht people, she likes exSM and keeps in touch and likes TOW (she did not expect to like her).

DD has her own ways of not judging people and not making a big deal out of anything, i guess it is good atttitude. lol

I don't care what X does as long as kids are taken care of. DD's brother is really nice little boy and I wish X makes smart decisions with him.

A__'s response TOTALLY reminded me of something my 7 year old would do. For being such a smart kid he can be so *clueless*, and I had a total mental picture of A__ standing their with my son's blank but confused face. Gave me a giggle. :-)

Yup - blank but confused is a great way to describe that look.
It's so hard not to laugh at that stuff, but since he's genuinely baffled, that would be rude, so I try not to.
:)