Help with 7 year old Stepson...

17 years ago

Well, I have been reading alot of messages on here, and am finding that alot of people feel the same as I do, but I didn't really see any situations that were similar to mine, with a child I mean...

Anyways, I have been with my boyfriend for almost 4 years. He has a son who is now 7 from his previous marriage (which was not a good one, ended in adultery on her part).

At first the child and I got along famously. There was a nasty cusotdy battle going on during that time, but our house was a lot less stressful than it is now.

Then in Feb. of 2005, I found out I was preg. This was fine with me, but bf had problems with it, thinking his son would feel left out..? ( I should mention now that the relationship they have, although not a close one, is very bizarre on both ends...they fight all the time, but the child seems to be the be-all-and-end-all to bf, even over me and our son together.)

The child did not find out until i started showing that babe was on the way. Shortly before that things got ugly. He wanted nothing to do with me, and was always all over his dad, and asking his dad every minute or two to go into another room and play with him. Basically segregating them from me, this contintues now even however much worse. If the dad refuses to play the kid gets upset. I have been at home since my preg was 3 months in, and I took care of the child (who is week on week off with us ) while he was with us, and dad was at work. The entire time that the dad was at work the kid would sit in our rec room which is downstairs and play vid games. he would never come upstairs (again this is still continuing) unless dad came home. He constantly ignores me, he will walk right past me and go to his dad to say good morning.

After the baby came nothing changed, as i hoped it would. He still had no interest in being a family. And he began to segregate himself from even his father. We tried everything and i spent most of my days calling the child up to do ccrafts etc. only to be turned down, if i even got an answer half the time.

then all of a sudden things with the child went really bizarre, he began lying about things to his dad, and whatever i told bf was going on when he was at work, child would deny and say i was lying. At 6 yrs old!

Finally I had had enough, bf and I had been fighting so bad, and i couldnot put the babe thru it anymore, I left for 2 days with baby, during which the child confessed to his father that he was being mean to me so i would go away...apparently when father tried to talk to him about it he freaked out and said his mom told him to ( i admit this may have happened, but why did he not come out with that right off the bat, instead of when he knew he was in trouble, just seemed like a way to place the blame if you ask me)

I decided to come home, i had a talk with the child and thought everything would get better. slowly but surely the behaviour started happening again, the segrating ( I do not see the child at all until father comes home.) and the child was basically creating two families under one roof right before our eyes. I will say hubby does make some effort, but will not resort to punishment for bad behaviour (which is a daily thing as far as i am concerned)

then the other day i had had enough, and decided to go for a drive with baby, while i was gone the child told his dad that he wants his mom to move back in - that he liked it better when she lived there, how he would even know that is beyond me, they have not lived together since he was 1.5 yrs!

dad told him it was unnacceptable, however nothing has changed, what is worse is that my son is getting the worst of it all, witnessing his father and i fighting several times a day, and the kid literally loving it...

I am sorry to say (and i feel like a bad person doing it) but i do not even like to be in the same house as this child anymore and i truly think it is scary that at this age he has become such a disgraceful person in my eyes. i do not make any special efforts for him anymore, as i said half the time he wont even speak to me, so why waste the effort only to be emotionally abused in the end. he truly is so selfish, and does not care about anyones feelings but his own, we always have tried to make him happy when he is here, but nothing seems to work, and he just continues to lie to his father and put the guilt trip on him all the time, which just drives me nuts.

We are seriously discussing splitting up, and i wondered if you guys have any ideas that may save my life, and my sons.

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Comments (3)

fivemeows
17 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
The only way I can see that things will chnage is if the dad changes. He needs to stop letting a 6 year old child manipulate his life and yours.The child should be in councilling he has major problems.
You and your BF need to set down alone and make some major rules and he has to agree to abide by them. No more even begining to let 6 year old think dad believes his lies.Son either joins in the family life in the same room with you bf ,and new son or he can stay in his room alone. dad needs to stop catering to his whims.
Its called tough love and your bf needs to show some

tough love. No one would put up with this
behavior.Sometimes love means being strict and not playing
into a childs game. Fighting with each other is only
driving you two further apart and 6 year old wins!
It willbe difficult to change but it can be done only if bf and you work together and know that a few rough months will make for a happier family life.
dee104
17 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
I've been there too. Had to leave everything behind, with my 5 m.o. daughter. Sometimes 6 year olds do win, but that's only if their biological parent remains passive through the turmoil. He is the only one who can help your relationship at this point, and he (or all, together) should get some direction from a counselor, before not too late.
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organic_maria
17 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
I agree with the above. Your bf is letting a 6 year old run the show. If your bf doesnt' change, ie the fighting with you in front of the kids which shouldnt' be doen in the first place, then leave. But you make sure to sit both your bf down and son and tell them together your decision and why.
Oh yah, personally, i know its important for your bf to see his newborn but under the circumstances, i wouldnt trust his son with the way you are describing it.
The problem here is the father not being a father. Your stepson, is feeling threatened by your pregnancy. His father should have sat him down and spoke to him about it. You guys should have told him you were pregnant before you showed. He felt betrayed for not being in the circle. Now he feels he will lose his father because of your newborn.
There is a serious lack of communication on the fathers part here. You must have a family sit down adn keep an open communication with this child ifyou want to continue. But if you keep fighting with the bf , this is also going to affect your kid.
If bf doesn't change, leave. Its best for your child. But i would have supervised visitation. let your bf come over to see his newborn. Dont let him take him to his house. His son will turn his anger onto his half brother. And seeing how your bf doesn't seem to parent well, i would bring that issue upfront for safety. (i knew a case where the sd was strangling her little half sister, if it werent' for the grandmother that little 3 year old would have died.)

Help with 7 year old Stepson...

Comments (3)

fivemeows

dee104

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organic_maria

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