At the end of my rope.

16 years ago

To all who reads and offers advice Thank you in advance. I promise it will truly help !

Ok here we go. I got married to a wonderful passive man 1 year ago. He came with a horrible ex-wife. 2 biological kids and 1 step which of whom he takes in like his own. The problems all started when I showed up in town and she saw me at a basketball game with him that night. Immediately after we left the game she began sending text messages degrading my character. And it has continued on to this day. She would email him at work telling him how I was this and that. She would send text messages how she didnt want the kids around me. Although when the kids would come ( every other weekend) I took them in and loved them just like I do my own daughter. The kids have never went back and told her that I have mistreated them. So then we had to get his cell phone number changed. Because he would go back and forth with her through text messages. And I had to shut that down. I told him if it wasnt about the kids then it didnt need to be entertained. So we got that out of the way. Then the emails got out of hand. So I had to have him to shut that down and now she was just down to calling. And he told her if the conversation get's off of track that he would just hang up. But we finally got to that point after we got 2 letter's from her attorney stating that my behaviour towards her was unacceptable and if my husband didnt get control of me that he would be forced to go to court and have his rights terminated for safety of the kids. I was furious because I have never said anything to her. I only responded. When she had all this bad stuff to say about me, I let it go on for months before I would even cuss her out. Then one day she came to get the kids bikes and she started getting nasty with him and me and I tried to punch her but he blocked it and then had the nerve after she left crying saying that I needed to apologize to her. I laughed. I told him after all I had been through I refuse and we left it at that. Then the very next day she went to the police department and told them that I hit her. They called and I told them that if they wanted to charge me for attempting to knocking her out then go right ahead. And that didnt go anywhere. So then all this time she would call and say well the kids arent coming because your wife is childish and i dont have time to play these games with her. But yet and still I am only defending myself. This whole situation took a toll on me emotionally. Her kids would come and make fun of my daughter and then she sent me a text message stating that her kids know they are better than my daughter that is why the make in fun of her. The kids dont listen to me. My husband is great at getting onto them. But it is as if she tell's them each time they are over not to play with my daughter and not to listen to me. The oldest which is 10 dictates everything for his younger siblings. From what they eat to what they wear. It is horrible. This whole situation caused me to start drinking everyday just to deal with the problems. For the 1st 1o months my husband was so passive and the only time he would stand up is if I threatened to leave etc.. So all progress for the 1st 10 months came from me fussing. I started drinking every single day, I was diagnosed as having major depression disorder, I got on anti depressants. And I was and still am angry at him because when I met him and showed up here ( my original home town, i just moved back) I was normal, happy and fine. Now I am an emotional wreck.

But here is the latest. Her car got keyed up, her email got broken into, her myspace got deleted. And guess who got blamed for it all------ ME. I had to go down to the police department to answer for all of this bs. And then when they couldnt do anything she is emailing my husband everyday saying that she knows i am the one that did it, and that she feels sorry for him because I am going to jail which is a lie. Now dont get me wrong after meeting with my pastor and having counseling my husband has recognized all of the mistakes he made in the past. And he is awesome at dealing with this situation now/currently. He has told her not to email him anymore because they will go un-read. And that if she needs to talk about the kids then she knows how to contact us. But here is my dilemma can she harass us everyday trying to convince him that i am no angel per her. What can i do to prevent myself from bogus claims to the police department. She was talking about me to him about 2 weeks ago and i called to try to see what the problem was and she wouldnt answer so i finally sent her a text and i told her that she had a butt whooping on credit with me. I am sick and tired of going through this for a whole year. I did speak with her months ago telling her that we dont have to fall into this stereo-type of us not being able to get along. And then she will call him and say well your wife just called kissing my butt. And that made me mad. I have tried to get along with her. We have been cordial at times. But now it is getting to the point to where i feel like she is provoking me to really whoop her butt, and I can't. I have a nursing degree on the line. I did send her a text saying she had an ass whooping on credit. Now she feels threatened and she feels like the kids arent safe with me because she said I am jealous of her and she feels like i might take that jealousy out on her kids. So when i do respond and say something then he doesnt get to see the kids and i really dont know what to do. I am at my witts end with this whole situation. Me and my husband are extremely happy. But we just keep getting emails from her. I just dont know how to stop all of this. I find myself thinking about her craziness everyday. I wish I could let all of this go in my mind. And have thick skin and not really care what she says about me. But for me when you put so much into to something. I have invested sooo much into her kids, I have tried to invest and be cordial and get along with her and yet nothing is good enough. I dont know what to do. Fighting is definately not the answer. I am 5'1 and she is 5'10 but yet she is scared of me come on now. This has gotten way out of hand and I just dont know which way it is going but to court. Please help !

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Comments (14)

kkny
16 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Let me get this straight, your DH has told his X no emails, and then you text her

"I did send her a text saying she had an ass whooping on credit. "

I guess I am not up to date on electronic technology, but if DH says no emails and then you send that text I think you will have to deal with the consequences of it.
starr
16 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Are you serious? This story sounds like an episode of Jerry Springer.

You tried to hit her and then told her that she has a butt whooping on credit??? Seriously, how old are you?

I definitly see this going to court, crimianl court that is. If what you say is even remotely true, than BM and BD are no winners either (how terrible for these kids) but BM has every right to fight for full custody of these kids to keep them away from you.

Unbelieveable!
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organic_maria
16 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
You've really let this woman get the best of you. She is jealous and feels threatened. went through similar circumstances with my hubbies ex. But i never went to slug ...but GOD does she deserve it! but i know better. I already know the damage is done on her kids with what she is doing and payback will be nasty in the years to come. People like this , dig their own grave.
Disengage and ignore. Do not text message her... its not worth it.! Let your hubby deal with her..focus on the kids, and your life.
Legally, you can place a restraining order on her. I hope you've been saving all emails, all the messages everything...i did that to the ex wife myself. Saved all her harrassing phone calls, messages, then i sent a nice letter to her lawyer and her that if she didn't shape up i will call child services. She's been very quiet since. But she has alot to hide considering her situation.
She is trying to divorce her common law husband now and is finally getting waht she deserves, she has to pay alimony to him since he doesn't work!
She has to decide to be stuck with him and make the best of it or get rid of him and get nailed with legal fees and alimony for a few years.
Like i said, people who are miserable and want to make everyone miserable will get their rewards. You just have to be patient!
But serious, keep away from her and start sending legal letters and a restraint on her.
quiet_one
16 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
OP: It sounds like you have gotten into a competition. You need to disengage. Read around on this forum on how to do this. You should remember that the XW is DHs ex-wife. Not yours. Any discussions with the XW at this point should only be with the DH. You donÂt need to be involved with the discussions or accusations.

If you and DH share a mail account, you need to get your own. You donÂt need to see the XWÂs emails to DH. Set your account to block emails from the XW. DonÂt talk to XW, and donÂt try to attack her. DH should not be telling you about XWÂs problems, especially if she is complaining about you. He is better served keeping that to himself since he is unable or unwilling to stop these conversations.

Dropping out of the competition is one way to take the high road. I think this would give you greater peace in your life within yourself and with DH.
mneal
Original Author
16 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
I was just trying to sum up a years worth of crap in 4 paragraph's. Look I am not here to be bashed but to get help in this situation. Yes I am wrong in some aspects but so is she. I only sent the text's after she ignored our request to stop sending emails etc... They just kept coming not on a daily basis as they use to but i have only responded. Remind you she has threatened me by saying that she can wipe away my happy little life within 24 hours. Even when I didnt say anything I was still getting bashed. Its a no win situation for me. Yes I sent the text but it was after her told her and she IGNORED IT. I was just saying anything to get her to leave me alone. And for the record my ages isnt the issue or topic here. It's all about someone leaving me alone. Now I am more than willing to listen to the negative but I would greatly appreciate postitive responses even if it means that I am all the way wrong. I am humble enough to accept my mistakes. But if you are gong to criticize me please offer a solution at the same time.
mneal
Original Author
16 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Thank you organic maria & quite one. I appreciate the advice and i choose to take up what you guy's said. It made very much sense. Thanks for hearing me out and just looking at the over all situation.
kkny
16 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Organic,

I would strongly advice against Op going for a restraining order, unless she can deal with all the consequences. It may result in the mom going for restraining order in exchange, and then limiting visititaion. Organic, OP has already responded such that may happen.

Disengage is best advice.
starr
16 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
A rare moment, but I am going to agree with kkny. I don't think this person should file a RO since it sounds like BM may have an equally or an even more sustantial claim for a RO against her. Especially since this poster sent a TEXT MESSAGE (proof) that she has a butt whooping on credit.

I don't understand why the email contact was "shut down" in this case. Yes, it's annoying, but only annoying when you actually log on to check your email. From what I understand of this story is they got the cell phone issue taken care of by changing the number. So BM then started emailing. That was actually to this poster's advantage cause then they had proof of BM's harassing nature. That was a mistake to "shut down" email contact. Let BM email to her hearts content, and then only respond to the emails that have to do with the actual care of the children.

My advice to OP, go take an Anger Management course and go to AA. This is an incredibly destructive behavior and will only need to making more poor decisions. Conduct yourself in a manner where you should always be conscious that your actions may end up in front of a judge and they will not put up with the immature excuse of "she did this so I did this back." Hopefully that will deter you from making some of the poor decisions you has already made.
mneal
Original Author
16 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Oh i forgot to mention that I did stop drinking. Thank god.
kkny
16 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Congrads on stopping drinking. One day at a time. I think you should suggest DH establish email contact with his X. You can either not read the eamils, or read them and laugh if you want.
jbabe
16 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Mneal, my suggestion to you is to block her from emailing you, IM'ing you, or talking to you on Myspace (if you have one) It is very easy to do, believe me, I did it to my SD because she was sending me harassing emails and IM's and comments on Myspace. I agree that you should have kept any that you have gotten, I did. All you have to do is go into your preferences on them and hit block. My next suggestion is to stop talking to her or accepting calls from her...let it go to voicemail, ignore the phone number--it won't be easy, but it will be worth it.
Congrats with the drinking--it couldn't have been easy.
Good luck with your situation.
slowdowntherecrazy
16 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
I agree with jbabe. Block her. She shouldn't even be talking to you. Much less be talking to you if she can't be civil. I told my ex that, my SO's ex that, and my MIL that, I also told my ex's new wife that.

"Unless you can be civil, I refuse to listen to anything you have to say." or "Until you can be civil, please don't contact me. I refuse to take abuse from you. Verbal or otherwise."

Think about it, she's using anger and rage and all this "Blah blah blah, you WILL listen to what I have to say!!" stuff and you're giving right in and playing her game. So...

Freeze her out. Show that you're the QB in that house.
stepcrazy
16 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
you need to not put anything in writing or audio that could be used to show your behavior is no better than hers. If you want to take the high road you have to drive it all the time.
dirtdiva
16 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
You say that you and your husband are extremely happy? I am concerned for you mental and emotional health. You are asking for help. I can tell you that if you can change your thinking it will ease your stress. Posters have told you to disengage, which is the best advice for you. If you can't do that, then please understand that you are addicted to a very harmful triangle. She sucked you in and you took the bait. Disengage.

At the end of my rope.

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