I am not the judgmental type, and I really believe you never know the reasons for someone else's decisions until you walk in their shoes (if you ever even can). I also do not consider myself terribly naive. But I have wondered time and again why my BF's EX did what she did. By that I mean, have an affair, decide to leave her husband after getting a new mortgage and breastfeeding second daughter, ransack the house while BF was at work and leave a mess in front of her daughters, use BF's inheritance money to move them several states away, secretly remarry, and buy and subsequently have to sell several houses and have the kids change schools because she and new hubby did not plan their budget well. I have wondered to the point where it is unreasonable of me - some things do not and should not make sense. Her actions are, of course, more of a function of her personality and whatever she felt the situation was than the fact she is a bio-mom or whatever other role she may fall into. If someone has a history of displaying weak, selfish behavior, the same can be expected in the future. Even if she despised her husband, anyone who knows him could see what a devoted, capable and attentive father he is. It is really a shame to have moved so far away for the convenience of having built-in babysitters in the form of relatives. I am always shocked to hear when her plans for bringing them north every other month (per court order) inevitably "don't work out" that she tells them, "I don't know why you can't see your dad - ask him to explain." Whenever I enter into an agreement with someone, if I am compelled to leave it I do so with dignity and respect for all involved. The saddest thing was when his older daughter at the age of 8 said to us, "Mom said she left you so that she could finally be happy in life. But she still doesn't seem happy to me." Kids should not be burdened with worrying about these things. I am a child of divorce and I remember the pain well.

Kelo and Mikella- Thank you both so very much for the information. If mediation is only like $30- I think that is EXCELLENT and will have to look into it. I will also check into counseling, just wanted to make sure we were within our legal rights and boundaries before we did anything. Because if we weren't- the BM would definitely have our heads on a platter!! BUT now things have even gotten worse than they were! On the childrens last visit all hell broke loose. BH asked his 3 kids to vaccuum the downstairs- a chore that would have taken them each about 4 minutes!! Immediately the oldest (12) starts in "Why do WE have to do it?" "WE didn't make the mess!" and on and on. Then the twins (9) of course followed her lead! BH told them they needed to do it because this is their home to and he asked them to! Well they started CRYING, real tears over all this. Finally (after about 45 minutes) the twins did it (still crying as they did it).... but 12 yr. old was still adamantely refusing! So after about 1.5 hrs of the oldest still sitting in a chair and refusing to get up- my BH went over and took her by the arm and tried tipping the folding chair up (to get her out!) AT this pt. the twins came and started literally attacking their dad- slapping, hitting, etc... saying he CAN'T touch there sister and they are calling their mom! Well hubby gave each of twins one crack on their seat end and told they were NOT using the phone because they were being punished! Well to make a longer story a little shorter- they repeatedly told my BH they HATED him and HATED it at our house and they were NEVER coming back. BH finally couldn't take their abuse anymore and told them to call their mom. She came and picked them up 20 minutes later! Now my BH is VERY depressed and withdrawn! I am very worried about him. Wouldn't a reasonable mother ask why they got in trouble? And then tell them she is NOT picking them up and they should listen to their dad?? Instead of running out to rescue them? 2 last things- they DO NOTHING at home and i think that is why it is such an adjustment to be HERE! And my BH is REALLY the most even tempered, sweet, easy to get along with person I have ever met! We have been together 6 yrs and this is only the 2nd time he has spanked them! Well as always ty for listening and any other words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated!

You said we did not read this carefully, so I went back and read it carefully. It doesn't make sense. '...He did not date her. He never took her out anywhere they met ata sports bar and she would come in on the nights the deputies were there. Yes he made a mistake BEFORE we were engaged and married. When she came back some time later to tell him she was pregnant he DID tell her then that we were then engaged it was a few months later. She told him then that she was going to get an abortion. She then fell off the earth. Then even later she contacts him to tell him she kept it. He told her he was getting married. She was furious but she did try to get him to spend time with her. He said no. We got married.' Then later you said: 'She admitted to me clearly that she had "hoped" that he would stay with her because she was pregnant. NOT. He told her from the minute he found out that it was not going to happen and they were both at fault.' To recap: they met two nights in a row in a sports bar and had sex. They never had a date. So logically, there was no expectation of affection, friendship, love, or commitment. She disappeared out of his life, he disappeared out of hers. She never saw him again (per your DH) until two or three months later she popped up and told him she was pregnant. He said he was engaged. She said she was getting an abortion. She disappears again out of his life and he out of hers. Again they apparently both agree that there is no expectation of friendship, love, or commitment. Their actions indicate that they both accept it was a one- or two-night stand that meant nothing, that the pregnancy was unfortunate but meant nothing to either of them, and that they each had their own lives and no interest in each other. And yet, you said: "She admitted to me clearly that she had "hoped" that he would stay with her because she was pregnant. NOT. He told her from the minute he found out that it was not going to happen and they were both at fault." If she hoped he would stay with her...(and stays means he never left her, as in he continued the relationship after the two one-night stands)...why would she tell him he was getting an abortion and then drop off the face of the earth. Why wouldn't she be 'furious' that she was told otherwise. But that's not what happened. She told him she was pregnant and getting an abortion, he told her he was engaged and wasn't going to marry her--and then she (according to the story you heard from your DH) dropped off the face of the earth. Then out of nowhere about six or seven months later, she calls him and says the baby was born and she kept it. He says that he is just about to get married and suddenly 'she is furious' and tries to get him to spend time with her. But she does not let him see the baby much and she does not want child support. This also does not make sense. Why would she suddenly be 'furious' on their 4th contact in abt 10 months? If she wasn't furious when he stopped picking her up in the bar (if he did stop), and she wasn't furious when she told him she was having a baby and he responded that he was engaged, why would she suddenly be 'furious' once the baby is born and she hears for a second time he's getting married? If she's going to be furious that he's getting married, why wasn't she furious the first time she heard it when she told him she was pregnant? If the girlfriend and your DH really didn't have any contact except two one-night stands, and a quick conversation about pregnancy and abortion, why would she suddenly be furious about him about to get married when she hadn't had any contact with him for six or seven months and there'd never been any understanding of love, friendship or commitment between them? Do you really believe that she just dreamed it up in her head without any input from him? As you describe it, they were two rather disinterested strangers in the night at the time of conception, spent a few minutes together around month three discussing the pregnancy, abortion and his engagement; and then after the baby was born she popped up and is furious that he's getting married? Kelly, Kelly, Kelly...this does not make sense. Why was she furious? Because she believed there was going to be a different outcome, because she felt betrayed. And she felt that way because he led her to believe that she meant something to him. However, the story makes sense another way. He was seeing her and you at the same time. He proposed to you but kept her on the side and kept his engagement a secret, but he keeps seeing. She comes up pregnant and tells him and expects to get married, move in together, or move the relationship to another level of commitment. He waffles and sooths her with some excuse or some promise to delay her expectations and she's satisfied and continues to gestate and they continue to see each other. There's no talk of abortion, that's a story your DH came up to explain to you why he didn't confess the pregnancy earlier and to hide his continued involvement with the girlfriend. Then after the baby is born she expects him to step up to the plate, or she finds out about you. In any case, your DH is cornered and lets her know he's going to marry you, not her. She becomes furious at this point because she realizes she's been betrayed and used. There's another red flag. Per your story, she's a welfare no-account who hangs around bars and sleeps with strangers without caring about a relationship or commitment. Easy come, easy go. So she spent two nights running with a sheriff's deputy and then never saw him again. No big deal. So she's pregnant. She'll just have an abortion. No matter. It's just a thing that happens when you hang around bars and pick up strange men and have sex with them and then don't intend to see them again. Although maybe it's something you can use to get a man to marry you. So she's a calculating floozy who picks up strange men in bars and sleeps with them without a commitment unless she gets pregnant, in which case she wants to marry them, even though per your story she's spent two nights and one additional conversaton with him, when he told her he was engaged--maybe a total of 24 hours? Yet that's enough for her to disappear out of his life for months and months while carrying his child, then pop up out of nowhere and suddenly be furious that he's not going to marry her and that she "hoped" he would because she was pregnant. How would she know he was marriage material, a nice person, someone she wanted to spend the rest of her life with. How would any affection have time to develope if they only spent two nights together and then had nothing to do with each other at all for the next nine or ten months? If that were the case, there'd be no 'hoping' he'd marry her, there'd be no fury when she realized he wasn't going to. Also--considering she's a dellusional promiscuous bar floozy--your DH never questioned this was his child. He seems pretty confident that the dna test is going to prove him the father. Confident enough to spend money on the mother and attempt a relationship with the child. If she were just a easy bar pick-up, he'd be wondering if it were his child or not, or why she thought it was his child. There must be other candidates for fatherhood. And he'd hold off on the getting involved in her life until he knew for sure. Except it looks like he already knows for sure. And he knows because they've had more of a relationship than he's letting on to you. She's not a dellusional promiscuous bar floozy, she's someone he knows pretty well and has known for a while...and maybe if he plays his cards right he can keeps this going. Get his wife involved in his girlfriend's life--appeal to everyone's noblest sentiments by making it all about what's BEST for the baby. Interesting that she didn't want child support or anything from him except to see him alone with her baby (their own little family). Child support would not have created ties that would complicate her moving. He would send it to FOC, they'd record it and forward it to any bank of her choosing anywhere in the world. And not accepting child support does not avoid complications of her moving her child away from him. Whether he pays child support or not, if he's the bio father, he has rights, one of which may be to prevent her from moving. So what's the real reason she didn't want child support? Maybe because he's providing more than state guidelines to her secretly? Or maybe because she's accepted that he's married and he two timed her and she just wants to get away and not have to think about him again. I don't know. I just think that someone who 'hoped' a man would stay with her because she was pregnant and who was furious when she realized he was marrying someone else, and who will only get him visit his daughter alone in her apartment when her son is gone--would also insist on support, because support officializes a ties she seems to want. I don't know the particulars, but I do believe that you have been mislead. The story doesn't make sense. I know yo have to defend him, have to believe what he's told you. It must have been very painful for you to know he cheated on you with her just before you became engaged. This can't be fun and you seem to be making the best of things and seem to be trying to be a good sport. I just fear that you are gullible and are likely to be hurt.

"Now I am so proud of my DH for unconditionally loving my little girl as his own and I think I will get over whatever it was I was concerned about." Amen!! It sounds like their relationship is fine. My DD gets the same "sad" face on when DH asks her to do something or comes down on her. I have the luxury of knowing what she does with her bio-dad too though. With SF she gets sad look, with bio-dad she pouts. And throws a mini-tantrum. And for me? I get a heavy sigh. When she was younger (like 4) she once threw a crying fit with Grandma because she didn't want to get in her carseat and buckle up. I had never had that issue with her. She was testing Grandma. And Grandma asked me what I would have done, and I told her, depending on how tight time was I would either sit there until she got bored and wanted to go, or I would strap her little screaming writhing body in the seat and go. Kids are smart. They are going to try to work the angles and see what works for them. They test the boundaries. It sounds like you're a little defensive of your daughter (and I KNOW that feeling) and concerned about the difference in parenting between the kids with your DH/SO. I have been too. But I really do think, based on parenting with a bio- and now co-parenting with DD's bio and SD's bio parents.... These are issues everyone faces. Regardless of blood ties. Differences in parenting strategies. Disagreements in how kids should be raised. Conflict between the adults about the children's behavior and what to do about it. I get the "manipulation" too. I've said before that kids are manipulative. And it's not inherently bad, it's just them trying to figure out what works. I think the problem is that she's going about asking in a way that he doesn't like. Have you talked to him? Maybe ask if there's a time where you guys can have a family tv time, pop some popcorn and watch a family friendly show. That way she gets her "hanging out" time and he knows to expect it. I suspect he's not liking the manipulation. My DH hates that too, and I do the same thing "she just wants to be close to us....". But in my case I think he's right. Once I got past my "if she were your daughter...." thoughts I realized there is a more effective way for her to get what she wants, and we're working on teaching her a more honest way of going about things. Like, "mom, I miss you. Can we spend some time together" rather than "working" us and then dropping the "I want..(whiny bomb).