Do you have the kind of relationship with her where you could bring up finances? Maybe have a talk with her about how important it is to be in control of your own finances, as a woman. In other words, hint that she should not rely on someone else, but she should know everything that is going on with HER finances. Ask her if she's pulled her credit report lately? Late payments would show up and might red flag her to what SS is doing. Maybe talk about how important it is to know all about these things, just in case something were to happen to SS, etc. If they are living together & buying a house together, it's not outrageous to discuss their future plans. Is she planning to marry him, etc.?

I wouldn't come right out and tell her SS is lying to her, but I might guide her to thinking about her financial health & future. If she's ragging on him to get a new job, she is probably already feeling pressure of supporting him and might be inclined to check on things... ie. mortgage & credit card payments, etc. If she hasn't already thought about it, a few hints or conversation about finances (I would stress the importance of being a woman & financially independent, etc.) might get her to take charge of her stuff & not rely on SS to do it. If she's on an account, she should be seeing the monthly statements, etc.

Overstepping? Not sure, but I'd probably tell a stranger at the bus station the same thing, without getting into THEIR business. With all the problems in the economy, it's a subject that is being talked about a lot lately.

you know if your SS has lousy credit then he was probably tagging along on her ok to good credit to get in on that mortgage....It would be really sad for him to ruin her credit as well. I would tell your DH that he needs to tell his son that either he tells her he hasnt paid it or he willtell her...If he screws her credit it will be years before she caqn recouperate her score.

What fiveinall said. Even though SS is an adult, I think Dad still needs to step about the lying and sneakiness aspect of what he is doing.

This is one of those topics like cheating to me, to tell or not to tell. I think credit scores and good financial standing are very important, on the same level as my health. It sounds like SS's gf has a very high interest and dedication to hers as well.

Thanks for the suggestions --

Ima, though GF and I are on good terms, we don't really talk regularly and if I initiate contact now, it'll be suspicious -- particularly when the you-know-what hits the fan. We've got the whole family thing for Thanksgiving coming up and I could discuss finances in general with her then, but probably not before.

Five & Nivea - Telling Hubby he HAS to talk to his son was the very first thing I did -- but Hubby had already done that and SS was still being a chickens#!t. I even suggested that Hubby do the "You tell her or I will" but he wouldn't.

Geez. That is really a shame for SS's GF.

I'd push your hubby to talk to his son again. Can you not convince him to say that if his son doesn't come clean with his GF, he (dad) will be forced to tell her?

I don't know. There is such a fine line. I can totally see how this woman deserves to know what her BF is pulling...but on the other hand, I'm not sure it is your (or your DH's place) to tell her.

It could go either way.

Is there anyone else you could talk to---someone who would then "spill the beans' to her?

Wow... That is a tough spot to be in. Bcz of the severity of the situation to the GF, she really needs to know what's going on. My recommendation is that your husband confront his son about what he's doing and to insist the son talk to his GF. Sounds like the son has been pretty careless with his credit and is now treating his GF's credit the same. I'd tell the son that he has 1 week to talk to the GF before you guys do.

Well, it sounds like things are heating up...

SS called Hubby and said he won't be in to work today -- just had a really hard weekend with GF, and it looks like she might be moving out. But if that's not bad enough, it looks like SS's MOM might be moving in! (She's already had two bankruptcies and is trying to avoid #3. She's also the only person I know who works less regularly than her son.)

Out of the frying pan, and into the fire...

Oh god sweeby...It's the blind leading the blind.

At least GF saw the writting on the wall nad made a run for the border. Let's just hope for her sake she sticks to her guns and moves out. She is going to find herself in a financial disaster if she doesn't get out of there. Sounds like Mom and sonny boy are the financial equivelant to Hurricaine Katrina!

Just because she moves out does not mean she will not be responsible for the mtg. She will have to have a lot of paperwork drawn up to get out of her obligation, and her BF will have to allow her to get out of it and prove that he can financially support the mtg before the loan company will agree (in my experience). What an expensive lesson for her to learn.

Do you know if the house is in SS & GF's name?

" Sounds like Mom and sonny boy are the financial equivelant to Hurricaine Katrina!"
More like Global Warming, actually. The gift that just keeps on giving...

Silver - You're right about that, and no reasonable bank would ever let SS assume the loan alone with his bad credit and lack of steady employment. Even if BioMom assumes the other half -- Her credit's at least as bad as his and she's on the verge of homelessness herself. GF is the only one with the steady job...

Eandhl - I'm pretty sure the house and loan are in both of their names. I did advise them beforehand to have a clear 'if things don't work out' plan, but doubt they took my advice. Why do banks even make loans like that one?! (As far as I know, they didn't even get a predatory rate -- though SS may have lied to us about that...)

Sweeby, Sorry it came to this. Not sure in this day why bank gave a loan. With the mess the economy is in I thought it was getting difficult to get loans.

They were breathing. That was more than enough qualification for a loan . . . trust me, I know. Sadly, GF will not be able to get out from under this loan. No bank is going to relieve an obligee of their responsibility right now - even with a divorce situation a refinance is the only way to remove yourself from a loan. Modifications are pretty much a thing of the past.

I'm thinking if she leaves, all bets are off and you can talk to her about long term negative implications . . . or at least suggest she look into it.

What a mess. Sorry for the added stress, Sweeby.

If the loan is in GF's name & she is the 1st person on the loan & he is co signer then she can have him (SS) evicted and at least maybe get a roommate to help cover.
Hopefully her parents will be helpful and guide her a bit in making these decisions.

Geez, guess I'm not the only one. 35 huh? Oh, that makes me ill to think of it. I see no way for you to tell her without world ward 3 errupting, at least that's how it would go down here.

The whole BK thing, living beyond his means, geez..I started attending CODA meetings to help me learn to detach and to help me deal with the fact that I have no control over DH, SS's, what they do or what goes on here with finances-basically everything.

I only have control over me. It's a bitter pill to swallow with situations like this. I feel bad for the poor girl. Similar thing happened with SS & his GF over a new car loan last yr. Let's at least hope the GF's figure it out sooner than we did!

~Cat

Thanks Catlettuce -- Hubby and I are fortunate to be on the same page about how to deal with SS's finances -- He can work for Hubby and get paid in cash weekly, but that's it. No loans. No advances. Hubby's having a harder time dealing with his disappointment than I am, but we've both detached enough to get through it. It's just not our problem - it's his - and he will have to deal with the consequences.

Sweeby, I think at this stage and with all the previous instances & issues with SS & his money problems, that that is about as fair a deal as it can be. It gives SS the responsibility for his choices and their consequences but with some hope that if he works to help his own situation, he will be helped and it won't be for nothing. And it puts you & your husband in the position of helping ---reasonably--- without being enabling or giving without getting a fair deal in return.