i agree with the posters above...supervised visitation ONLY!! it exists for a reason. also, pull out your calendar and start documenting everything-get copies of the phone bills, cell phone statements, any money that changed hands, when BM called, came over, took the kiddos, anything you can remember and start keeping a journal. also, if you guys are in the habit of texting, type them out and keep a file of them (some cell phone companies can print them off for you, but i think there's a time limit, like only the ones from the past 30 days or so.) keep audio recordings of any voicemails and print off your emails. i've discovered that attorneys and judges love paperwork-and any work you can save your attorney from doing is money saved. also, i would buy a little digital recorder that can be put in your pocket and keep it handy, in your purse or whatever, and record any exchanges of the kids, any more encounters with the ahole boyfriend, etc. if it were me i'd have the cops on the phone the minute he sets foot on your driveway-should he have the balls to show up again. the police are there for a reason. and fill in the school FOR SURE!! you can't be too careful. a judge may grant you emergency temporary custody...probably worth checking into. the one nice thing about the parents that choose to show up three or four times a year (especially if they have a shady past or are participating in stuff that's not completely on the up and up, like drugs, etc.) is that they hate being in the courtroom. she may not even show up and they you'd get custody by default. also, go for the gusto when you petition for custody. physical and legal, all decision making privileges, demand random drug testing, the whole nine yards. that way if she does want to play ball you have some room for negotiation and still get everything you need to keep the kids safe. hope that helps!! good luck!!

Doodle, that's great! It's nice to hear your excitement in her progress. I'm think an hour or two supervised now is a good start, but as she makes more progress that should be rewarded with a little more time and trust. That will likely just go to encourage her more. Here's to hope!

Wow, what a diversion from the original post! However, between all the venom and legal mumbo jumbo, I was reminded of my dear neighbor, "Betty", who recently died. DH and I had yet to move back into our house as it was under construction when Betty passed away. She had been living w/ her "third", "Al", and they weren't married. I found this a little odd for an elderly couple, lol, but never dreamed to question it. Anyway, shortly after Betty died, Al was told "by the kids" (they had no children together) to leave the house for the day. While gone, moving trucks came by and moved out a bunch of stuff. We were horrified, thinking it was Betty's adult children. But, it was Betty's deceased second husband's kids. In his will, the house was left to Betty for as long as she lived. Upon her death, it went to her stepkids who wasted no time giving Al the boot. Al and Betty lived there in harmony for YEARS and we were all very sad to see Al be forced to move across the state to his daughter's place. But, I guess Betty's skids had no real obligation to Al and legally, Betty's hands were tied. Not sure if that's the reason they never married (like the house would have gone to her skids in that event) or not, but it was an odd arrangement. Dana

P. from the previous comment, if I were you, I would take the advice that you should have empathy for the children's mother. I would also not get caught dead in the comparison trap; if she has fallen into it, that's her issue, but don't even go there, you are comparing her best to your worst, and this goes with any kind of comparison. Seriously toss everything else! That comment has touched a couple of nerves I thought could never be ignited again. You don't have to be a biological parent to understand or accept detrimental behavior. BIOLOGY DOES NOT CREATE UNDERSTANDING. Bad behavior is bad behavior, no matter what the origins are. Being a former spouse, a bio-mom and a step-mom myself, I couldn't disagree more with what was just told to you. How you feel, how you behave with a stranger that is about to take care of your children is absolutely a subjective matter, probably based more on your own personal family history, your own self esteem, and absolutely not on biology. It sounds like you are just trying your best to make all good. Women tend to want to improve things, fix things, make everything alright. Sometimes, I am afraid, you just can't. Feel empathy for that woman, accept her for who she is (and not for what she does) if you are able to. But other than that, try and let her deamon stay her own; do what you do, walk away. In my step-family groups, I would sit and hear stories of women getting away with despicable behavior, all in the name of their biological connection (heralded in front of the step-parents of course). I think it's time that us biological mothers step up to the plate and show some nobility, especially when children like your steps seem to be blessed with a step-mother who loves them, who cares for them. The biggest turning point for me was when I realized that the children would behave with me in one way and with their step-mother in another way. That's when I realized that something had to be done, that the gap we had been forming needed to be bridged. I can't say that we talk on a regular basis now, nor that I agree with much of what she says, but when something throws me off, I keep in mind that she loves my children and my children love her. Sure, it bothered me when I first heard them call her Mom too, but in the big picture, is that what really matters? No, that's just my pride that is hurt (I thought I was the only one to be able to hold that title from the day they were born). The children have improved in so many ways since she and I had our pow wow, and some times we need refreshers just to make sure we're still on the same page. But that kind of talk needs to come from her I am afraid. It sounds like she is not open to you right now, so you just have to sit tight and wait. The advice I give you is this, if her behavior really gets out of hand, I would have your husband talk to her. After all, she is undermining the children's stability. It sounds like they care for you but sometimes feel confused about allegiances and act up. If his conversation with her doesn't work, possibly seek counseling or a group therapy environment where you can air out your grievances. She is unlikely to accept that option it sounds like, but if he brings up change in the children's behavior and that there seems to be something wrong with them, I doubt she won't want to seek a solution for the good of her children. I don't know if you have any religious or spiritual beliefs, but praying has always helped me... and I'm not talking about those, "Oh God, help me..." I'm talking about serious meditation, journaling if writing is your thing... One of my mentor moms told me once, "My step-wife kept me on my knees for many years, but now my children thank me... all of them!" I took that advice to heart... and of course, if you find a group of step-parents, or even just of parents, you may find your biggest allies. Online, it's a crap shoot if you ask me. Looking someone in the eye is always better. Best of luck, hold onto your family, and I look forward to hearing good updates (I know it will get easier with time. Remember, it's not time that changes things, it's what people do during that time. If she doesn't come around, I am sure you're going to be able to become strong and take it like a mama!).