Authority issues in a blended family

16 years ago

Problem in a nutshell: My husband and I married in 2002 and we each have three children...2 boys and 1 girl for both of us. My daughter was 15 and two sons were 9 and 12. His daughter was 11 and his two sons were 13 and 14. Of course there were problems, mostly with my daughter, the oldest of all the kids. He was very strict on her and she was punished severely (a month with no phone, no tv, no radio) for the smallest thing. My husband has a control issue and he was the one setting the rules. It was a very trying time in our marriage, but I didn't want to cause more problems by "usurping" his authority. We fought over it constantly.

Now my daughter is 20 and in the Navy and I am so proud. And now his daughter, who is his "baby" and 16 yrs. old, is doing the same things my daughter did, but with no reprecussions whatsoever. The rules have all changed and when I try to interject my opionion on anything concerning her, I am told that I am just trying to cause trouble and make her life miserable. My two sons, 14 and 17, live with us as well. They have daily chores and seldom go many places. We live in the sticks, you see. But if they mess up (have a bad attitude, fighting) they have their priviliges taken away. But, my SD goes and comes all the time, does a chore maybe once a week and gets away with outrageous behavior with no consequences.

I have tried to work this issue out with hubby many times, but all we do is wind up fighting. She is 16, and he is letting her date a 20 and stay out until 2 or 3 am with him. At 18, my daughter had to be home by 11:00 or she was grounded for 2 weeks. SD still has 1 1/2 years of high school, but I don't know if I can't take much more. Does anyone have any advice? I would appreciate any and all comments. Thanks!

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Comments (5)

kkny
16 years ago
First, congrads on your DD, and we all wish her the best of luck.

My experience when a parent favors one child is that in the long run, it is the favored one who suffers the most in the long run. That child grows up thinking the world owes him a living, yadayda.

How is your SD doing in school? My guess is not well. Encourage your DH to schedule a meeting (telephonic if necessary) to get caught up to date.

Then, suggest to DH counseling. Again, if I suspect SD is not doing well in school, you can use that a carrot to get him into counseling -- that current situation has negative impact on everyone, including his daughter. You say all you and DH end up doing is fighting, what exactly does he say.
jerseystepmom
16 years ago
I agree with KKNY-this is your husband's problem that needs to be worked out AND he isn't doing his own daughter any good by treating her like that. Definitely suggest counseling for you and him -- he'll have a harder time denying his behavior if there is a third party present.
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I'm confused. You moved out & the kids tell her she should marry you so you move back, but then when they don't get their way, they say even if she marries you, they won't listen to you? It also sounds as if the dad is not helping the situation.... though mom is pretty much set in her ways in how she has raised the kids so far. To be honest, my opinion when I read the entire thing (along with wondering what you get out of the situation) is that you are not much more than an unappreciated unpaid babysitter. The fact that she would have a talk with you to find out what's going on, questioning your authority in front of her daughter, instead of telling the daughter that you are in charge & they can talk about it when she gets home... unless the daughter is claiming you are in some way harming her, mom should not be questioning your authority on her daughter's request. That tells the child that she is really in control because all she has to do is call mommy when she doesn't get her way & you will have to explain yourself. I wouldn't even do that to my paid babysitter. So many things you describe are so wrong on so many levels.... I don't have enough time to give my full opinion. Ultimately, it's your decision to stay or go, but if you leave~ my suggestion is to pay close attention to how women interact with their children before you allow yourself to get serious. It's a very hard thing to help someone change... almost impossible unless the person wants to change and asks for your help. Thinking you can step in and change a dysfunctional situation into a functional one because you have lived your life differently & think you can apply that to their life, will almost always backfire. Kids will almost always resent some stranger, no matter how much they might like you or think you're a nice guy, coming in & trying to change their way of life... not that some won't like changes for the better like a better standard of living, but when it comes to discipline... good luck! If they have been raised without it, they won't welcome it from a stranger. It was also probably a huge mistake to move in so soon. But it sounds as if the problem has existed long before you came along & are not going to get better without professional help. In my situation, even professional help has not made things better, but the first and most important thing is you and your girl getting on the same page. If you can't agree on what should happen, then the situation with her kids will never get better. Another option if you stay is to have her find alternate child care. It is not your responsibility to care for her children and if she isn't going to at least give you the same respect any parent should give their childcare provider, then let her find someone else. and taking her kids to do things they want to do should be based on many factors... like do you have time? do you have money for it? and do they deserve it? If they are not treating you well, why would you reward them by taking time from work & spending your hard earned cash on them having fun? The least they can do is treat you nice, anything less & they are learning to be entitled, which is really not good for them (or you) in the long run. That's my 2 cents for what it's worth.
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I took that statement to mean that she has low self-esteem and that it was self-affirmation. She's already said that BF's family thinks she is a dumb little blonde (how does she know this? Is BF telling her they think this?), that BF has told her in the past to just deal with SS' rude behavior, and now he is catering to SS at her expense. Annie, I know that you want to do what's best for your kids - is this guy really a good role model? A good step-father? Obviously he's not a good BF! Is it best for your kids that you are in a situation which led you to drinking? (Congrats on stopping, BTW). Are you going to AA meetings? You'd get a lot of support there, and it's so important that you not start drinking again. My advice would be to not worry about finding a new man, but to work on making yourself the best Mom and the best person that you can be. Believe me, your kids will be a lot better off with a sober, happy, responsible Mom and no Dad figure at all than with a Mom who is unhappy and drinking and a male figure who is indifferent to them and/or blaming them for his son's discontent.
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So your daughters are withholding access to your grandchildren because your wife doesn't want to babysit them? Sounds like something is missing in this story. My kids' grandparents don't have the means to indulge their grandchildren materially, and they are elderly and inactive, but grandparents provide intangible benefits so much more important than entertainment. Growing up, I had one set of grandparents with a pool, they were active and had an energetic household. The other set were loving and gentle and milder in temperament. One grandma played tennis, the other liked to snuggle and sit and talk. I loved them both, and cannot imagine begrudging one set for not being like the other. The momma bear in me wonders if your wife isn't perhaps a source of worry to your daughters, making them concerned for their children's well-being in your home. An untrustworthy or unkind grandparent would be the only reason I can imagine that parents of young children would keep grandparents at arm's length. A pastor or family counselor can give you much better insight and strategies to foster a closer family dynamic.
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june0000
16 years ago
Lisa,

What does your husband think his 16 year-old daughter and her 20 year-old bf are doing into the wee hours of the night? Playing checkers? Discussing politics?

Perhaps your husband is trying to be her "friend", so his daughter likes him and that might explain the glaring discrepancy between his strictness with your children and his incredible leniency with his own daughter.

I can see why you are concerned. Since he has allowed his daughter to head down this dangerous path already, it might be too late for him to start enforcing rules upon her, should he suddenly become inclined to do so.

You didn't mention anything about the biomom. Does she know what is going on with her daughter? Can she intervene? I don't know what the situation is with her.

You are in a very bad spot. You could try to reach him by having a discussion about your concerns for his daughter and state the obvious. I would try to avoid any discussion about the way he treated your children versus his own daughter. I suspect if you bring that subject up, he will probably resist anything you might suggest and go more in the opposite direction.

If he resists your suggestions and refuses to see the obvious, that leaves you with two options. You can stay and watch the impending train wreck with his daughter or you can leave.

Keep posting and I wish you the best,
June
lisalyn67
Original Author
16 years ago
Thanks for all the comments. As to some of your questions, the biomom isn't a mother by any sense of the word. She is a user and even borrows money from SD (she works weekends as a waitress) and never pays her back. But my SD defends her, so I just stay out of it. As for SD grades, yeah, her grades have dropped. We are not exacting parents, but we do prefer to see A's and B's. My boys both had all A's and B's, with one exception: 17 son had a C in his dual enrolled math course. SD had 3 C's...she was simply told to bring them up, but there was no consequences. Besides working Thur. Fri. Sat nights, she plays Varsity BB and has practice 4 times a week. She then plays SB in the spring.

I have spoken to DH and he has agreed to try and be a bit more fair...I told him it was that or we just weren't going to last. Today was day one...and we'll see what happens from here.

As to what he thinks they're doing when they are together...well, this is true...I kid you not. The boy is a "christian" and has "christian" parents and HD seems to think that makes him trustworthy. Hah! SD room is detached from the main house...about 60 ft. away. She and bb like to hang out in there alone. HD allows this. One night I was outside by our fire pit and they came out of the room and turned out the outside light. It got very quiet and they stayed there for several minutes, so I called out "Hey, no lingering in the dark!" SD stormed into the house and told her dad what I said. She told him they were PRAYING!!! And he believed her! I just couldn't believe he fell for that. Anyway, I appreciate all your comments and you are all right...he has to do the changing, for both his sake and SD. Thanks!
theotherside
16 years ago
I think my grades would have dropped in high school too if I had practice 4 times a week and worked 3 nights a week.

Why would they have come outside to do anything untoward? Wouldn't they have had more privacy in her room?

Authority issues in a blended family

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kkny

jerseystepmom

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Authority issues in a blended family

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kkny

jerseystepmom

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june0000

lisalyn67Original Author

theotherside

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lisalyn67
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