blended family.My daughters think my wife is selfish

10 years ago

My wife adopted my youngest daughter (D) at age 11. Oil & water now for 18 years....Oldest D married with 2 beautiful boys. Oldest D's inlaws well off financially & in great Health. We struggle with $'s ...& with health issues...that cost $ - & greatly limit ability to work enough to solve $ woes. Both my D's resent my wife because she can't work, but bowls thrice weekly to not "give in" to pain. Both use selfish B...to describe her. Inlaws are loved/appreciated & from birth of GC been able to spend far more time/money on GC. Oldest D bio mom & myself/wife can't get GC much because inlaws either have them or plans set to keep a night or weekend. Both D's resent my wife and oldest D's bio mom because neither can come remotely close to performing to Super inlaw GM level...Youngest D expects babysitting a few hours before needing...and uses sisters MIL as role model for GM's....if Adoptive M (my wife) can bowl, there's no excuse she won't baby sit on demand....is attitude of youngest D.

Inlaws, from GC birth (5&8 now) have kept GC overnight weekly, rent wonderful houses for week long beach trips with son, my D, and GC.

I handle this well & have good relationship with inlaws. I only wish I could do the same.....My wife & ex (oldest D mom)...pout & are resentful to Inlaws.....and being hardened....have given up to a big extent to be as involved with GC as in their hearts they want to be. Both feel GC don't care and their D's no longer care.....They feel hated.....so sad..

I never believed in nor wanted over participation with GC due to my fatherhood being ruined from pushy ever present inlaws.....My GC & D & sil benefit greatly from inlaws health/wealth/free time..but my 2 D's resentment of my well intentioned wife is unfair & unhealthy.

We'll never compete...We don't want to leave GC, but the situation causes thoughts of moving to escape.

Youngest D has a baby, not married...which i'm gratful for. Babys father has limited future due to bad past criminal record....She needs both my wife who adopted her...and me. I've had all I can handle & feel need to extracate my wife from D's disrespect. We're mid 60's. But I want to be able to see GC....moving to protect wife would cost GC contact.

Just venting todaycand open to ideas..

Sort by:Oldest

Comments (4)

Suzieque
10 years ago
HI, I'm sorry that I'm finding your post somewhat difficult to follow because of all of the abbreviations and minimal pronouns, as well as the intricate multi-relationships. But I think you're essentially saying that you have daughters that don't like your wife, and your daughters like their grandparents.

Your wife can't work because of health issues but pushes herself through pain to be able to go bowling. Could she push herself through pain to get a non-physical part-time job?

Is there truth in your daughters' allegations? If so, do you care to help change things or are you satisfied to be on the sidelines?

If there isn't truth in the allegations, what do you think your daughters' real issues are?

Good luck.
blueheron
10 years ago
I couldn't keep everybody straight. Sorry.
Related Discussions
in-law problem? or just me being selfish?
Q
Comments (10)
A good marriage is a democracy, not a dictatorship. I'm sorry to say, if your wife is making all the decisions, either without your input or in spite of your disagreement, you really don't have a marriage at all. You're in a position right now, to stand up to her and state, "Look, look where your last bad decision (allowing sister to move in) has landed us--we've all be exposed to TB, and have months of treatment ahead of us. Our lives, our children's lives could be at risk because of this. Before you make another decision that could have long-term effects on us as a family, we MUST sit down together, discuss it, and decide what is the best for us and our children." There is NO WAY I'd allow anyone to move in for free--even a family member (mind you, my dd, once she was out of school, working, and still living home, paid us rent--it's how you teach people to be responsible rather than encouraging them to freeload). If her parents do move in, it should only be if they are willing to follow YOUR house rules and pay some amount of rent and board. It's not your responsibility to support your wife's entire family. But honestly? Your relationship sounds rather disfunctional, and I'm not really sure you can put your foot down, nor that your wife will pay you any attention, even if you do. It might help to have some sessions with a really good marriage counselor--at least then, you'll know you've done all you can to fix the marriage. But if I were you? I'd be starting to squirrel some extra money away where my wife couldn't find it, so I could get out if that became necessary. Good luck--I think you have a tough row to hoe there
...See More
selfish or not?
Q
Comments (10)
I read a book when my kids were young, I think it was called "siblings without rivalry" but it sounds like normal rivalry between boys that age. There's a certain amount that comes from being boys that age, and some probably from the feelings about the divorce and/or step family situation. Does your child visit his father? (My SD's half sister would get upset that her dad didn't see her as much as my DH saw SD) There is usually a period of adjustment whenever there is a significant change in a child's life, divorce, a parent dating, a parent moving in with their SO, and especially a parent remarrying. If your son is an only child, he may not like sharing the attention with the other boys. The other boys have grown up together and may see your son as a third wheel or outsider. and it's very normal with three kids to always have an 2 against 1 situation. I saw that with my own three kids and they changed 'teams' all the time. It may also help to sit them down and explain your feelings about it and acknowledge theirs. They may feel jealous of each other or other feelings and it can help to let them know it's okay to share how they feel. Boys don't usually like to talk about feelings so they act out more aggressively, but giving them permission to share their feelings and have those feelings, can make a difference sometimes. I wouldn't ignore it and the 9 year old sounds like he's having a harder time dealing with things. Don't ignore warning signs because I think when kids don't know how to tell you what they are feeling, it shows in their actions.
...See More
Wishing that a house would land on my boyfriend's ex-wife (long)
Q
Comments (2)
Your BF never should have gotten into a relationship until he had worked out the issues he had with his ex-wife. It's not fair to you, him, or his daughter who is emotionally invested in you now. I suggest looking into getting him some kind of counseling. Meanwhile, while it is real easy to place all the blame on the ex-wife, just remember there are two sides to every story. I mean, many many people are emotionally and physically abused and yet they are able to start new relationships and are able to utter the words "I love you" with no problem. So it just seems a little too convenient to blame the ex-wife for all the hurtful things your BF says and does. This post was edited by Amber3902 on Fri, Feb 15, 13 at 18:27
...See More
am I being selfish
Q
Comments (9)
While at the doctors office I talked with my husband and explained how I was feeling about tonight and his leaving. He was at first a little upset- I think more out of frustration and feeling conflicted. After a few minutes he called himself an inconsiderate bad name which I corrected. I just told him he wasn't thinking through the whole situation. We ended up waiting a little longer for the doc than I usually do and my husband came back to being himself and then read Green Eggs and Ham to me ...yes, out loud in the waiting room :) There's just something about a loved one reading Dr. Suess to make things feel ok. I am now on the good drugs again(the wonderful doctor made up for his taking a little longer by giving me a new script and a referral for a fertility specialist) We came home a little bit ago. I'm going to take a little nap now that the drugs are kicking in and the boys went to the park for a little while to fly a kite. They are then coming home to cook dinner. My step son wanted to make dinner tonight. For those who were wondering, he is ten. I told my husband that I didn't mind them wanting to do something for a little while, I just didn't want them gone all night. He changed their plans to the kite flying (and the weather is perfect for it). I feel much better about the whole situation and am thankful for all of your support and advise. As you can all relate, things get crazy in this step family world. I count myself lucky for my health (even with this set back) and that my husband 'got it' this time. I have to admit, he really tries. He just needs a good kick sometimes. Thank you for your advise and support. I used some of the things you all said when I talked to him. I think that helped. I also appreciate all the well wishes.
...See More
tete_a_tete
10 years ago
I think I understood everything.

Your oldest daughter gets along very well with her husband's parents. They regularly look after her kids - your two grandsons.

Both your daughters resent your second wife and think that she is lazy because she does not have paid work but goes bowling.

It's very easy for 'youngsters' to cast aspersions on older people. One day they'll realise that their judgement of your wife is unfair.

Would it not be ok to gently let them know this?
BB Galore
10 years ago
So your daughters are withholding access to your grandchildren because your wife doesn't want to babysit them? Sounds like something is missing in this story. My kids' grandparents don't have the means to indulge their grandchildren materially, and they are elderly and inactive, but grandparents provide intangible benefits so much more important than entertainment.

Growing up, I had one set of grandparents with a pool, they were active and had an energetic household. The other set were loving and gentle and milder in temperament. One grandma played tennis, the other liked to snuggle and sit and talk. I loved them both, and cannot imagine begrudging one set for not being like the other.

The momma bear in me wonders if your wife isn't perhaps a source of worry to your daughters, making them concerned for their children's well-being in your home. An untrustworthy or unkind grandparent would be the only reason I can imagine that parents of young children would keep grandparents at arm's length. A pastor or family counselor can give you much better insight and strategies to foster a closer family dynamic.

blended family.My daughters think my wife is selfish

Comments (4)

Suzieque

blueheron

Related Discussions

tete_a_tete

BB Galore

COMPANY

BUSINESS SERVICES

GET HELP

CONNECT WITH US