[I am warning you all in advance...this is VERY long]

I had a dream early this morning that I would like to share with you because you are the only ones I know that would understand and I need to feel like someone can understand!

Here is my background:

I was married to John, a wonderful man for 16 years. We had two little boys and we were all very happy together. Suddenly, my husband was overcome by mental illness (BiPolar Disorder), became a total stranger to us and left us never to be seen since (8 years). The three of us were trying to build a happy family when Andy entered our lives seeming to be the answer to our pain. He loved all of us and was wonderful with the boys. He lived about an hour away from our home. After two years we married, but both of us kept our homes so the boys could continue to go to a wonderful school (my husband's school district is abysmal). Andy came to our house several times during the week and we all spent the weekends at his house during the school year. After school ended for the summer, the boys and I moved into his home for the summer as we had all planned. It started out a bit tense. Andy wanted to party with his friends until the wee hours, and seemed to ignore us. When his irritation with the boys turned to drunken verbal abuse, we left. Since then, our family has returned to the three of us and my "marriage" continues with me visiting Andy alone once a week at his home.

Here is the dream:

I woke up today before 5...it was more of an arising than a wake up....I was coming out of an incredible dream. I went to see Andy at his home and he was in the living room with Ray and someone else (maybe David or Lew). I greeted him and the others and went and sat down next to him. We were just chit chatting and I noticed he had his hair cut very short and that it looked good .... I told him so. For some reason, I was focusing on his head more than anything else. As if my eyes were actually coming into a much sharper focus, I saw, beneath the hair on his head, colors. I looked closer and closer and saw that his whole head was covered in colors. Gradually, a image started to emerge from the colors....it was almost like a color photo of me happily laying on the family room rug with the boys happily playing on either side of me...they were much younger. It was a scene of us as a happy family. I said out loud...this is me and he nodded...Âand the boys and he nodded again. Everyone was really quiet as if they were studying my reaction. I asked, Âhow did you do this? and Ray said, ÂitÂs a tattooÂ, and I said Âyou are kidding? and Andy quietly said ÂNo...they used a very fine needleÂ... in the background I heard Ray say that it cost $9,000. I repeated Â9,000? and there was a quiet nod of agreement. I laid down on the floor and closed my eyes and covered my face. It was as if I had to block out the whole rest of the world and let everything sink in....I was truly overwhelmed. After a while, I gained some of my composure and went over to Andy and just said ÂAnd You did this? and he just nodded. And I threw my arms around him, and he around me and we kissed with great passion. I was vaguely aware of the others watching us but we didnÂt care.

I was so overwhelmed....I felt like he really did love me and the kids....and that he treasured our early times together as much as we did.... and mourned their passing as much also. I had no idea this image was in his soul and carried in his mind so clearly. I thought about the pain he endured to have it done and the amount of money he paid...the time it must have taken to interpret his inner thoughts to a tattoo artist and the commitment he made to wearing this image for the rest of his life. I was just totally overcome. He would even take this to the grave. How curious I felt that I could be so deeply touched by a tattoo --- both of us were so strongly against tattoos of any kind.... it was incredible that this tattoo was a symbol of unspoken love.

The tattoo was done so it would be completely covered by AndyÂs hair when it grew out to its normal length. But he said  I think IÂm going to keep my head shaved for a while.Â

My dream ended with my realization that I was now awake and replaying the dream over and over to commit it to memory. It was such a vivid dream.... in complete vivid color.... like no other dream I have ever had in my life. I wished it were true.... tears spilled down my cheeks and still are as I write this. We loved those times.... and we mourn the loss of them. But it is as if the boys and I have accepted the fact that we just cannot ever take the chance of being that devastated one more time. It almost killed us to lose a husband and father to mental illness. We had such hope and love for Andy. We loved him too quickly and too much and clung to it, probably for too long, so it was devastating to realize it was something that was to just pass in time. We have accepted the loss of Andy and the loss of hope to ever have the family we all wanted again. We just couldnÂt take the risk.... the risk was greater now than the gain. Yet we are all saddened by the loss and mourn it without end. It is hard for us to understand why we were denied this illusive state of being in a happy family that comes so easily for so many others. So all we have are all of the good years until John was overtaken by mental illness.... and the wonderful months with Andy that ended because Âhe couldnÂt keep it upÂ.... the role was just too overwhelming for him.

Here I am now.... in the midst of yet another life changing event (starting a new career) .... this time more alone than ever. Understanding how much it will take to achieve what I want at this stage of my life. To be secure in my ability to take care of myself, to rebuild the happy life that is full of accomplishment and meaningful relationships. To be able to participate in Josh and MattÂs lives in the ways I had always envisioned. Maybe even to be able to make up for some of the pain of the past.

I see Andy continuing to be where he has been for the past few years.... sometimes supportive, sometimes interested, occasionally participating but otherwise keeping to himself with me entering his world on a regular basis. The rest of the time I am alone, with my sons, and staying so busy that I hardly notice.

Thanks for listening. I just needed to share this.