If the curtains have been sitting in the closet for a year, why is it a problem for her to have them?

I think she is probably well aware of how you feel. Refusing to see her husband's grandchildren is probably a big clue.

You don't have to endure ill treatment,

you don't have to give anybody things from your home (but I wouldn't say a word about anythng hubs wants to give her that was his & her mother's, I'd just get hubs's agreement that anything that was in use, like the sofa, would be replaced with new),

you don't have to baby sit,

& you don't have to make yourself sick.

Sit down with hubs & put these agreements in writing, & let him deal with his daughter.

If she wants a sitter without notice, oops, sorry, just on my way to the store/library/tea room.

If she's rude, turn around & walk out on her, & do not answer no matter what.

If her child is sick, say, sorry, been sick myself, don't want to put either one of us in the hospital.

If she wants every curtain in the place, say talk to your dad...& measure all the windows & head for the mall.

martienne,

I do have experience as a step parent to a step daughter who had her first child when she was very young. In fact, she did admit to me just a while ago, that it took her an entire year to realize that she was now a mother.

During that first year, she would drop the baby off at our house (her father's and I) and we sometimes didn't even know when she would come back. Dear hubby noticed this but of course would not say one single word about it to his daughter for fear that she would no longer bring the child to our house. He loves, just loves, his grand children and would be ready to do anything in this world for them and his own children. Thus, it is very hard for him to reprimand his children when they are at fault.

One day ...i had enough. We had been taking care of the child since the saturday morning and it was sunday night supper time and we still didn't know where the mother was. DH was not a happy guy. I was frustrated. The next time, she dropped off the child, i left. I was gone for the entire day. Came back home late and left again the next morning. Who did she think we were? I left DH with the child. He found it hard. Funny it never happened again that she left the child so long at our house! I think for the first time it his life DH made his daughter aware that he was not very happy with her.

So...how about you talk the situation over with hubby. Tell him that from now on if plans haven't been made for these children's visits, that he will be alone with them. Tell him you are not doing it out of hatered but out of respect, that yhou understand his love for his grand children, and that you love them too but you just can't afford to spend time around them when they are sick. Why doesn't he go and visit them at his daughter's house?

As far as your step daughter is concerned, i wouldn't even mnetion a word to her about the situation cuz you know it will just become an argument and in the long wrong her father will side with her.

Think about yourself, your health. Oh by the way, for a very, very long time, I did not answer the phone at home when i knew it was her calling. I let dear husband listen to her phone message himself.

If your step daughter wants anything from your home that used to belong to her mother, just give it to her and be happy about the fact that she will be happy with these things. Don't worry about it.

There is a good book someone suggested we read on this web site. It's call the Dance of Anger. It reallly helped me with my relationship with hubby and the rest of his children.

Keep posting.

Thank you for answering my postings. I would like to be clear that my stepdaughter can have any and everything that belonged to her deceased mother. The material objects are not what irritates me. What irritates me is the way she speaks to her father asking for obscure items that she never seemed to care about before, and has him give me her messages. She doesn't speak to me directly, asking for items. She never does anything nice for my husband and never invites us over for a holiday, birthday, unless it is for one of her children. I am glad of this becaue I don't want to be around the sick child at all. She does hurt her father when she did nothing for his birthday. I don't know if she is playing a power trip with me. Anyway, I can relate to you "fleurs garden" about not answering the phone when she calls. I do the same thing. I don't listen to the messages either, unless he plays them in front of me. I will walk away when I hear her voice on the machine. I will look into the book, "Dance of Anger". I appreciate your input and everyone else's. My husband does babysit at her house but has the children over sometimes. On these infrequent occasions, I leave the house for fear of becoming very ill from the sickly grandchild.