I don't see/smell any trace that OP is the other woman in her relationship with her father. I feel sorry for the father who lost so much joy with the family due to his insecure, control freak new wife. "Does your husband and his mother go to lunch and other leisure activities without including you? Would it be okay if they did?" - Why is it not OK? This question is beyond silly. In our family, we always have alone time with our parents and children. I still remember the wonderful time and conversation with my own father even it has been 40-50 years. HD was his mother's favorite, they always had private time together when we were on vacation visiting her. We also have great memory spending alone time with our own children in various countries and cities. southernsummer, do your own biological children spend alone time with you or your husband? If they do, does it make them the "other woman or man"? May be because I am the type of person who does not always remember my own birthday, I fail to see the big deal of spending time with your husband exact on your birthday, especially the daughter does not live with the father, and you live with him every single day of the year. Why cannot you find another day to celebrate? In your other posts it seems you have problem over Christmas gifts from your husband to his children. Again, I fail to understand the issues. In our own family we don't see children until Christmas break due to all of us have busy careers. We are so appreciative that they spend vacation and airfares, expenses coming home to see us ( they could well afford traveling to anywhere in the world if they want to). As always, we give high dollar gifts to indirectly compensate the expense they incur. If the once a year gifts impact your financial future, you need to have a serious discussion with your husband, otherwise, why interfere? Relationship between each parent and child is unique, it does not need to be according to others wishes/rules.

Sorry, I was having a bad day when I posted that. In this case the ex does get a significant amount of child support from him even though she makes more money than he does and the daughter lives with us 2-4 days a week. She also gets financial support from her family and his family (they love her and only recently stopped shunning me). She has a boyfriend that lives with her part-time and she basically supports him (with the help our our money if you think about it...) She has the daughter enrolled in all kinds of activities like dance classes,swimming classes, cooking classes, etc. The daughter has lots of nice toys and clothes and goes to one of the best pre-schools around. She does not go without anything and is well loved and doted upon at both households. She is spoiled by both sets of grandparents, all the aunts and uncles, and even my own mother sometimes. When my significant other lost his overtime at work his child support stayed the same. Then when he got laid off his child support stayed the same. When she got a new job and started making more money his child support stayed the same. When we got our heat turned off for non-payment his child support stayed the same. We have 2.5 people living in our house but I pay 50% of everything while he pays someone else who makes more than him. That just doesn't sit well with me. We can't afford to pay our bills anymore and forget about ever taking a vacation or saving money. When he was with his ex they had a savings account, took nice vacations and were looking into buying a house. We're broke. There are other issues I won't bother going into here because it's too long and I guess I have some big decisions to make. He says he'll never get married or have more kids and I want those things. It feels so unfair to me that he did those things with someone else but won't do them with me. It's like someone else got it all and I'm getting nothing. But I have to accept a stepchild and an ex wife that will always be in our lives and I have no choice but to make sacrifices for them. I love him and his daughter and I get along fine with his ex but I am clearly the least important person to him.

sounds like you're in the middle of a poison pit. Alcoholism & depression are connected, & the ways that people deal with it (guilt, denial, suppressing anger & using sabotage instead) spread into other areas of their lives & become the way they deal with everything. Even if your hubs is a "dry alcoholic", he isn't "over it". He's not functioning like a healthy person; he's still functioning like an alcoholic, & his ex & daughter are still pushing the same co-dependent buttons. It won't get better, it can't get better, without guidance. You've been pulled into the unhealthy web in the role of enabler: you don't like it, but your presence makes it possible for hubs to keep engaging with ex & daughter in the same old ways which, in fairness, are the only ways any of them know. You're the only one who can change the way you interact with hubs, & he's the only one who can change the way he interacts with everything. I think you need to find expert guidance, counselling, Al-Anon, something, for your own benefit/sanity/peace of mind. ("Pull down your own oxygen mask before you attempt to help anyone else.") Meanwhile, right now, if I were in your position, I'd sit hubs down & tell him, this isn't a discussion or a dialog, it's a monolog; I'm going to talk until I've finished what I have to say, & you think about it before you say anything back to me, & then I'd tell him that he's still "married" to his old messed-up life & that it isn't working for him now any better than it ever did, & that it's making me unhappy too, & that I would like him to explore counselling. & I do admire your restraint; if some man gave away the crystal angel I had bought him, there would have been broken china at the base of every wall in that house... I wish you the best.

I'm so sorry. Saying it's "only" about the children minimizes your situation: in this family, it's all about the children, at least it's all about the eldest daughter. She determines your whole life, & it ain't good. Your "husband" isn't doing what a grown married man should do for his wife; he & his daughter are the couple, & you're...there. It hasn't gotten better, it's gotten worse, & it'll continue to get worse until one of you dies. You might want to hope that it's you who goes first, because if he goes first, you'll get a nasty shock when the will is read: if it's possible for him & her to do it, you'll be out of the house & out of money, income, & benefits. She'll have it all. don't know why they're this way, but they are, & they like it. Don't stir the situation, don't try to reason or plead with their father; he's at least as responsible as she is, & he's satisfied with the situation. Take care of yourself. I wish you the best.