I think it's a pretty silly policy personally. Items should be purchased as needed, not because one of the three needs it. One might be harder on shoes, for instance, while the other two has shoes that are fine. Yet all three get new shoes - what a waste of money. And trying to be totally equal all the time isn't setting them up for the real world- no employer will care if the siblings get a certain pay rate/benefits, or whatever. I used to tell my DD "Life is not fair, and the sooner you get used to the idea, the happier you will be."
My DD had a best friend whose mother was like that- we'd invite the friend to join us on trips to the circus, or movies or whatever, and often it was "No, because the other two won't be doing it." The friend has some real issues now :-(

Hi cawfe! Interesting question about fairness. My DD is 12 and DH's son is 12. DH is all about the fairness factor. As a matter of fact, he wanted things to be so fair between the two of them that we ended up buying a smaller house with two bedrooms that were the exact same size because he didn't think it was fair that his son wind up in a smaller room, although he has less furniture than my child. Now, we're cramped in a small ranch house with nowhere to go other than our bedrooms when we get sick of each other! Which happens to be often around here. We could have bought a much larger 2-story four bedroom home with unequal size bedrooms but DH didn't want Precious to feel slighted because his room was an inch less wider than my daughter's. Totally ridiculous I tell you!

A long time ago, I read an article in Parents magazine that addressed the fairness issue. It basically said that what's fair for one child isn't necessarily fair for the other and fair does NOT mean equal. So it sounds like you go through the same thing with the fairness factor.

collenoz is so right! Kids need to learn that life isn't fair. It's a valuable life lesson. The sooner they realize that, the better off they'll be and the less self-centered they'll likely be as well.

I only have 1 ss, but have 2 brothers. Growing up, our parents version of fairness was more like "universal fairness" - looking at the big picture over our lives, we all probably got just about the same amount of material things from our folks. I got a car without paying for it, my brothers had to pay b/c they were less responsible. My older brother started his own family at a young age so my parents helped out financially until he finished his Masters degree and is now quite successful in his own right. My parents paid for more of my college than my brothers, but I paid for my own condo w/o money from my folks, and my little brother got financial help from dad. I don't think any of us felt spite towards each other because we just learned that "now isn't my time" - when I need something, they'll help. When my brothers need something, they'll help them too.

Just about the only thing that was "even steven" for us was Xmas and birthdays. All of our birthdays fall within 3 weeks of Christmas so every year we each got one "big" present and an equal number of smaller items spread out over our actual birthday and Xmas.

I think taking the "bigger picture" perspective also helped make us more generous with each other. We're willing to help each other out when needed or make small sacrifices to help each other.

When I have more kids, I'll probably raise them in a similar fashion.

I think it gets a lot more difficult with stepchildren. When one mother is there and not the other it gets tough.

When my brother and I grew up, my parents did what they felt was best for each of us without damaging their financial situation. A few other posters so far have basically said the same thing. My parents only bought shoes for the child who absolutely needed them. Just because I wanted to do dance didn't mean my brother was forced into taking lessons just because it would make it fair.

I don't understand why people all of a sudden have become so obsessed with being fair just because of the step issue. Should I force my DH's ex to buy new sneakers for my daughter because she (suprisingly) decided to buy new shoes for DH's son? I bet both DH's ex and his son would both cry that wasn't fair. Likewise, I certainly don't spend my daughter's CS on Dh's son be/c that's not fair to my daughter's needs.

IMHO, people need to do what's best for them and their financial situation regardless of who is a step and who is an absent parent.

I agree with that, it is just that as households have disposable income, a need and a want can become difficult to define, and, in this world, where men typically make more money than women, and where some children have a mom with the dad to monitor the situation, and some dont, it becomes more difficult.

My 9 yr old SS is very tough on shoes .... already broke one of his shoes he got for school .... the others are still in great condition.

I bought the 9 yr old a new pair of sneaks because he needed them ... the other 2 told mom they didn't get any thing new ... she called hubby flipping out because "we are not being fair".

If we buy for one we must buy for all .... he told her if she feels that strongly she should buy the other 2 new ones.

My SD8 wears the same size shoe I do she does not need any shoes until her feet grow I literally gave her 15 pairs of shoes/sneaks/sandals this summer.

Today I had one of the girl cousins over because SD has no friends on the island ... island full of boys. The 9 yr old gave me a world of grief because he couldn't have a friend over or go anywhere(off island). Even though he slept out on saturday and she was home all weekend with out anyone to play with ... he cried the "its not fair" ... I rattled back "life's not fair get used to it".

And said ok from now on if she doesn't have anyone to play with you have to play with her and only her, and you can only go out when she has someone to play with "just to make it fair". He stomped off to his room.

I tell my kids all of the time "Lifes not fair be grateful for what you have before you dont have it anymore" My DH used to do that ALOT... buy one shoes... one needs something for this or that ... all gets something... I finally put my foot down. I told him we simply do not have the money to do that and I absolutely will not deal or cater to little children who through fits because they dont get something that the other gets. And I usually though in ... now how do you think that makes so and so feel you acting this way... be a good bro/sis and be happy for your sibling... it's what families do. And, there is no way in god green earth I would simply give 100.oo to a kids because I spent money on sports for the other... if you want me to spend money on you pick an activity otherwise ... shut it... you are just being selfish

And my favorite has always been with the kids when they start the it's not fair thing... Well, if you want to be fair then I should probably pick up some boxes this afternoon... "why"... So you can pack up your toys and give them to the needy kids who dont have any... that would probably be the most fair thing to do...After all, its not fair that you have two gaming systems and they dont even have toy cars to play with.

Maybe you can counter "fairness" with "special".

When I was little, one aunt always gave me & my brothers underwear for our birthdays.

But I got underwear on my brothers' birthdays, & they got underwear on my birthday:

She didn't want anyone to feel left out.

But I didn't want to get underwear on my brothers' birthdays, yuck, makes a person think of boys' underwear, & who wants to think of that???

& I didn't want them to get the same thing as I got on my birthday;
that was *my* birthday.

I have two stepdaughters, 13 and 14 years old. We don't play the "fair" game when one has a need and the other doesn't. However, if I'm out shopping and I come across something I know that SD13 will absolutely LOVE (not a necessity) and I buy it for her I then feel compelled to hunt down something for SD14 and buy her something equally priced! Even if it's something as little as a pen, I felt like I had to find something for the other. They finally told me to stop when I came home one day with a unique pen I knew one of them would like and pastel colored tack-pins for the other!!! I'm sorry, I just assumed everyone would like pastel colored tack-pins!! Evidently she didn't and they're such smart girls that they were able to discern my dilemma! I now take turns in getting them surprises and make sure that I don't buy too much for one and not enough for the other. Everyone seems quite happy. Even me - I became the gracious owner of the tack-pins!!!

Everyone's seen Lion King - right? Remember that scene near the beginning where Scar whines oh-so-dramatically with that fahbulous British-melancholy accent "Life's not fair" -- Well, I've got that one down pat, and whenever one of mine pulls a "That's not fair!" -- I just pull out my John Malkovich voice and do the Scar immitation. Works like a charm!

Jeremy Irons, honey. And he was sublime. If you saw "Reversal of Fortune," in which he played Claus Von Bulow, the Alan Dershowitz character said to him, "You're a very strange man," to which he responded, "You have no idea." We got such a kick out of Simba saying the same thing to Scar, and Scar replying in kind, "You have no idea."

Sorry! Never actually had a thing for movie stars -- But wasn't that the most wonderful line?

Since I've also got a teenager, I'll definitely have to work on that "You have no idea" line...

Hey! Maybe you could try that one on your SS's BioMom!

On the other hand, I think it is wrong to give one child hundreds and hundreds of dollars in clothes, etc. throughout the year in addition to birthday presents, yet some of their siblings do not even get a simple birthday gift. I guess they are supposed to be grateful for the birthday card.

Ouch. Are you speaking from personal experience?

You know - I think a certain amount of that is inevitable. My older son has two families to give him gifts -- well four if you include grandparents! He gets Christmas gifts from his mom & stepdad, dad & stepmom, and grandparents on all four sides. Consequently, he gets A LOT of gifts -- too many IMHO. My younger son only has two parents and two sets of grandparents, but fortunately, he's the type of kid who IS grateful for a card...

My children all have the same mother and father, and no living grandparents at all. The OW lavishes gifts on one of the children, and the rest get very little from her. My exH gives the rest of the children very little either, sometimes nothing for their birthdays.

"So you can pack up your toys and give them to the needy kids who dont have any... that would probably be the most fair thing to do...After all, its not fair that you have two gaming systems and they dont even have toy cars to play with."

MO4, I think we parent from the same book. :-) THis is one of my favorites . . . also works well when kids have "nothing to do" or "Bobby is so lucky because he got a new X-Box and I don't have one."

I think there is not enough "appreciate what you have don't complain about what you don't" being taught these days. People are all about their own gratification . . . . the country is raising a bunch of kids with a huge sense of entitlement.

Couldn't agree more Martha!

I agree as well... and unfortunately I cant completely say my kids arent as well...my DH is terribly guilty of wanting to just buy stuff to buy stuff because they want it... because "I never had those things growing up and I dont want to be a d*** like my dad was" We have went round and round about this ... Most recently it was wanting to buy the boys an xbox (the boys who already have a playstation2, and playstation) I was like not on gods green earth are we putting another gaming system for those boys in their room... if you really want to get something like that wait until christmas and make it a family gift .... I think he is finally getting tired of the boys attitude now... their we want we should have it if they are told no they throw a fit attitude .. I think has pushed his last button... Just last week he told me I am not getting anymore things for these kids until they can start acting like they appreciate what they already have... I just looked at him and said really?!, that sounds like a good idea.

And I really cant stand when, for instance, last night the oldest got a medal for football and when he showed the younger one ... the younger one just got upset and was like why didnt I get one... I jumped on that quickly. I can understand being bummed you didnt get one but dont do it at the expense of taking all of the "glory" so to speak away from the one who did get an award. I told him last night not to act like that ... be happy for his brother and maybe he still will get a medal (his team hasnt even done medals yet)

I hate the always fair if you have it I should have ... if I want it I should have it... And, I dont think its fair to teach our kids that attitude by giving in...after all, of all us grown ups know ... that life just does not work like that... I think that is a big reason why we have so many problems with my generation of adults and with our kids. We have been so busy trying to not hurt self esteems and trying not to get into trouble my some busy body ... that we have let kids take control far before they should and therefore raised kids that have no sense of authority, hard work, and respect for those around.

"my DH is terribly guilty of wanting to just buy stuff to buy stuff because they want it... because "I never had those things growing up and I dont want to be a d*** like my dad was""

Same here, my husband was raised just by his mother and they were extremely poor, so he spoils the crap out of the kids because he always went without...it got sooo bad that EACH of my skids had a 30+ inch tv, stereo, dvd/vcr, ps2,gamecube, nintendo ds, computer, xbox in their rooms, not to mention all the toys they never played with and STILL would whine that there was NOTHING to do.

So here's what we did, last year we signed up for Christmas basket families. Not only did we reduce the amount of stuff our kids had and give someone else a lovely christmas, but when we dropped everything off, and they saw how the other kids lived and what they had, it really helped them be more appreciative.

Well "someone" called DSS (child services) because the 9 yr old didn't have any shoes.

Good thing we go to court in 10 days .... hubby is asking for limited or no visitation.

DSS is coming here tonight to speak to the children they will also be speaking with mom. Can't wait for the results of this "investigation".

Sidenote: about entitlement

My SS 12 has been "himself" lately.... so for the past few weeks he has been asking for an Xbox 360 I wants.... mommy said she pays support so we have to buy it for him ... blah blah blah.

Well the other day he was asking again .... and said well christmas is coming up .... I said ok well you need to earn that gift .... I will just ask santa for it ... go right ahead ... and if you think santa's not watching how you behave you are wrong. (He no longer believes but was playing it off for the younger ones). You know santa checks his list for who has been naughty and nice.... where do you think you fall on that list.

:-) right now I have two lists for Christmas... the list of things I really would like to get them but they dont deserve it... and the things that they will get if they dont shape up.

I wish the kids would realize how depressing it is (for us)not to be able and go out and buy cool stuff because they cant fix their attitudes.

Hubby had a brief conversation with DSS worker ....

Their christmas gifts will consist of clothing shoes and socks..... apparently they don't have any of those things.... guess I wash 3 loads a day of imaginary clothes. :-)