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concernedwife

Problem with stepson; need advice talking to husband

concernedwife
9 years ago

Hello all. First time posting and just looking for some support, advice and somewhere to vent. Any replies much appreciated.

I'll try to make the background fairly easy to follow, in short it's a mess. Husband and have been married a year, living together 5. About 6 months ago husbands ex-wife decided she was going to move to Texas and his 17 year son decided he was going with her. This hurt my husband tremendously as his son didn't even talk to him about moving so I was picking up the pieces for about 2 months. He made it clear at that point to son and mother that he wasn't going to allow son to move in with us when the novelty of a new place wore off. Meantime, the ex has decided she doesn't like the school district they're in and he will be homeschooled. I'm not necessarily against homeschooling but I am when the parent is extremely flighty and by the time son was 14 she was saying she shouldn't have to babysit him over homework. What child do you NOT have to stay on top of to do their homework?! *i have no children of my own.*

Fast forward 4 months and his son wants to come for a visit. This is excellent news because of course husband misses his son and wants to spend time with him. He was supposed to be here 2 weeks. He wanted to stay longer and husband and I agreed he could stay until the end of October when his mom was coming for a visit and fly back with her. Now apparently son and mother have "decided" he's staying until the end of the year! This is pretty interesting to both my and my husband since we weren't consulted on this decision. This is a pretty extreme example of how ex works, but the behavior is not surprising.

The problem is I'm having a really difficult time dealing with his son being here and it creates tension between my husband and I. It's not that he's a bad kid, but I was raised much differently in regards to manners, acceptable behavior, etc.

Examples:

- bedroom is disgusting, past normal kid mess (I feel). Dirty dishes with food left for weeks, soda bottles/cans half empty, food/candy wrappers, used tissues, etc.
- he breaks my things and says nothing. I just see it them in the trash. To clarify I don't think he's purposely breaking things, but they're broken just the same. Is it not reasonable to think something should be said?
- he's extremely wasteful when it comes to food or drink. Example: he wants a snack. He grabs the whole box of crackers and takes it to his room. If he doesn't like them after a couple bites he'll throw the whole box in the trash! I don't know where his comes from but my money doesn't grow on trees.
- I'm pretty sure he eats toilet paper. Kidding, kind of, but I don't know what the hell he's doing with it. My husband and I go through about 1 mega roll a week. Since sons been here a roll a day. And forget about replacing the roll after he's used one up. I guess 10 seconds is just too long to be bothered.
- he can't do anything for himself. I'm convinced he'd starve before turning on the oven to make some bagel bites.

Anyway, some big things (to me) and some small but all added up it's driving me crazy. But anytime I bring these thigs up my husband and I argue. I try to be diplomatic, but he just defends him. I really don't think I can do 2 more months (maybe, remember we started with 2 weeks) of this without losing my mind. It's far from a done deal that he's staying since that's a decision that me and my husband get to make, not son and mother, but when that talk comes I need a way to get my points across without putting husband on the defensive or sounding like I'm attacking the son. Also my husband is pretty lax when it comes to dealing with these things. I don't know what the deal is there but I think it's because he doesn't want to feel like he's harping on him all the time. I think that he needs to be because these are things that should be done and if it takes 20 times to remind him then it takes 20 times to tell him to throw out the milk container when it's empty, don't put it back in the fridge!

Has anyone had any good experiences talking to a spouse about stepchildren and concerns? Tips? Suggestions? Anyone?

Thanks in advance!

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