I'm not sure you can get your mom to care about your relationship. If I were in your shoes, I'm not sure I'd keep trying. Sometimes we just have to accept people the way they are, and that's what I'd do in this case (as far as your own relationship with your mom). I'm also not sure you can get her to understand the need for your husband and you to make requests for your child's care. Again, I think I'd give up trying to get her to understand and agree with you. It seems to me that all you can really do is stand your ground on the safety rules. Stay calm, don't get angry, but just have consequences for when she breaks your rules. If she is letting your daughter get in situations where she is truly in danger (playing on the stairs, taking her to a home where things are stacked high and could fall and hurt her, etc.), then sounds like you just need to make sure your mom has supervised visits only with your daughter. In that situation I would just pay for a sitter and not use my mom to babysit unless I was there. The situation with your soon-to-be baby is sad, and I'm so sorry your mom can't see how hurtful her actions will be. That situation will probably take care of itself, though. I'd think your daughter will love her baby sister/brother and when she gets older your daughter will realize how wrong that kind of statement is. If I was dealing with this with my own mom, then I'd let my mom know that kind of statement is harmful to my kids' relationship with one another and that wasn't acceptable to me. Then, every time my mom made a comment like that, we'd calmly get our things together and leave. Your mom doesn't have to understand, she doesn't have to agree, she just has to stop making that kind of comment. So I wouldn't argue, I wouldn't explain, I'd just calmly say, "It's time for us to go now" or whatever works for the situation, and leave. I would try to enforce my rules in a calm, consistent, firm manner. If my mom wanted to see my daughter alone, then I'd tell her she'll have to go through counseling with the therapist and then later with me and a therapist. No therapy, no keeping my daughter alone. Hopefully her love for your daughter will be the impetus your mom needs to get counseling and change her life for the better. This could be what gets the ball rolling on a much better and healthier life for your mom.

I typed in "can't stand my stepson" and found all these postings. I too can't stand my SS. He is 11 yrs old, an only child and can do no wrong in his fathers eyes. I have 3 children of my own ages 5,9,12 (2 girls and 1 boy). I have been with my BF now for 2 years. When I came into the relationship my SS was sleeping in the same bed with his dad. He was 9 yrs old at the time. He is very spoiled(4wheelers,dirtbike, snowmobile and so on). His mother is in the picture and she has him everyother weekend and a few nites a week. Here is the problem....My SS is very jealous of me and my children. He lays on his dads lap and hugs and kisses him on the lips all the time. It is no exageration he does this all the time. It makes me and my kids uncomfortable. My SS is a bigger boy and he weighs about 165ibs. My BF allows this. My SS is also very mean to my children when my BF is not around. He is very sneaky and manipulative and my BF does not see this. I have tried so many times and many different ways to approach and talk about this to my BF but he gets so so so defensive and tells me that this isn't going to work and he chooses his son over me and my kids and I need to go and move out. So now I feel I can't talk to him so I hold everything inside and so do my kids. I have a fair amount of resentment towards my BF and my SS. Im angry and frustrated. My son is a year and half older than my SS and he is so frustrated with him. My son is outgoing. He is in all the sports and is one of the star players. He is also an honor roll student if not high honor. My BF came down on me so hard a few weeks ago saying that his son is coming to him complaining that my son gets to go skiing every weekend and do stuff for all his sports and its not fair. He told me that since me and my F____ng kids moved in his son has taken backseat. This killed me. Im so hurt. My son tried to help teach my SS how to ski and even snowboard but he didn't like it. He gave up very quickly. My son does go skiing most every weekend because it is good exercise, he likes it, and he is not in front of the tv, ipod or laptop. My son too is a bigger boy like my SS. When my son does all these things, i take my girls to the movies, go sliding, let them have a friend over and so on. I also do the same for my SS. My SS is so manipulative also. When its time for him to visit his mom and be with her, he cries to his dad and says he doesn't want to go so my BF lets him stay home. We have it set up so that all the kids go visit with their other parents on the same weekend so we have every other weekend to ourselves. We agreed that we needed this time to be togethter to make this blended family thing work. My SS will go in the bathroom and secretly call his dad and ask to come home from his moms. And most of the time he lets him. My children have a great relationship with their dad and so do I. I'm just so frustrated. He never says no to him. When my SS calls he asks what we are doing and my BF won't tell him the truth because he doesn't want to upset him so he lies to him and just tells him we are home doing nothing. I feel like a nothing. Im so mad and angry. Even my BF's friends don't like the way my SS treats and has treated their kids. They complain to me all the time and no one dares to say a thing to my BF. What do I do? I love my BF and have a fair amount of like for my SS. My children do love my BF and can do without the SS. I'm fed up and need a little advice. Sometimes I feel guilty for feeling so negative about my SS. I get a lot of anxienty around him and Im trying to help my kids too. I tell them to ignore him and point out that someday things will change. I believe very much that my BF's and SS relationship is a little unhealthy. My BF is treating him like a baby and not letting him grow up. I feel he is so needy of his son as his son is so needy of his dad. I always try to take my kids and leave them alone to be together because it was expressed to me several times by my BF that he wants a fair amount of time with his son alone. When I do leave and give them this time, I am treated poorly when i return. I just don't know. Please I will take some advice.

Ok...I don't have teenagers (yet!) and after reading this I might lock them in closets between 13 & 18 (just kidding *LOL*) but truthfully. I've worked with teenagers and agree that some of this is just where they are emotionally (if you remember - it was an awkward time!), some of this is his issues with his parenting (mom leaving, dad making little to no effort), part of this is his testing your love for him. (Ever read the children's book "mama do you love me?" it is all about that test of love for children.) But part of me thinks that you have allowed a level of disrespect from him in the past 4 years and still given him things that please him. Children have the ability to change their behavior parent-according. Like Alstep's SK knowing that dad is a marine who would never tolerate such behavior. I'm strict so my SS(s) pull less with me than with other parental figures (BM, Grandparents...etc.) It is hard to correct behavior that probably should have been nipped in the bud years ago but I would still try. I agree with all the previous posts in that aspect. He is not a lost cause. Most importantly, however, is exactly what others have said. Your DH needs to step up and instead of thinking "this is magically going to change when SS leaves" you need to be thinking "this needs to change now." This is not going to sound very nice but DH's "let you deal it" attitude is a form of disrespect as well. After all - this is HIS biological child - it is MORE his problem than yours (that is not to say that you didn't sign-on as a mom when you married a full custodial parent but I really feel like DH was burnt out on being a dad so when you came into the picture he used you as his vacation from parenting.) I've seen this behavior before. Knowing that you will step up and do what needs to be done has taken a weight off of him (and unjustly put it on you!) And you have allowed it (while secretly brewing resentment and frustration for the past 4 years since you unknowingly volunteered to be a single parent in a marriage.) You need to talk to DH and let him know that parenting needs to be a SHARED adventure (which is sometimes a shared headache!) You may see better results with a counselor because things that are "objective" coming from a third party are "personal" coming from your spouse. Although you have put all of this stress and frustration on your SS ("I hate him"), it is not REALLY about him or his behaviors. It is about the fact that you feel alone in a no-win situation and would like a little help from the other parent in your home. You, and every parent on the planet (biological, step or adoptive) needs respite! Respite can come in the form of what I call "daddy duty" when I just NEED to sleep in, be alone in a store, or have a "girls night out" (we've obviously got littler ones.) It is joint-parenting. I'm very fortunate that my DH and I agree on discipline and that he is very intuitive to my needs. He seems to know when I'm being pushed to the brink and he steps up to relieve me saying "I've got it this time". You are lucky that you are married (I don't know how single parents do it!) You need to UNITE with your spouse and decide how you are going to handle this situation TOGETHER. It is not fair that you probably feel like a single mom who never even gave birth. (My DH is great but I've felt that way myself. Luckily, when I voiced it, he was receptive to it but he wasn't always as instinctive as he is now!) You MAY be frustrated with your SS's behavior but he is NOT the center of this problem. And won't it suck when he leaves in three years and the problem doesn't go with him! Has dad ever given him just dad-son time? It seems to me that this boy is crying out to be acknowledged by his father. He is becoming a man and wants to know how. Your DH needs to show you more respect by stepping up to his responsibilities as an example to his son. If Dad doesn't take on responsibility and doesn't show you respect, why should he? SS could also be anticipating the destruction of a marriage here (he doesn't need to know that you don't make love to know something isn't right!) Maybe your DH could discuss having a weekend fishing trip (or something) with just he and SS but that SS has to earn it by following the rules, doing his homework, and being respectful. There HAS to be something that SS does "care" about. Has DH ever sat down and talked to SS about what he is so down about? Can you level with him at all?

Mommy08, I know exactly where you are coming from. I have also known my stepson since he was 2, and for years I tried to love him and take care of him like he was one of my own (my husband and I have 3 children together.) He was always surly and ungrateful but I put it down to bad raising on his mother's part. That woman is crude, vulgar, mean, a compulsive liar. Anyway, once he got near his teen years he actually became blatant in his disprespect. He would grin at me as I told him he had been rude and needed to apologize. He was being reprimanded on a constant basis at school (my husband would never call the school and get a meeting, that should have warned me just how far his head was stuck in the sand.) I finally could no longer deal with him. Like you, I would begin to dread his visits a week in advance. Worse than you, we actually had him for 2 weeks at a time AND my husband travelled for work so it was me and my kids alone with him. Actually, I doubt it would have mattered in the long run. My husband isn't going to admit that his son has a huge attitude problem, his being here would have just meant more frustration for me. Finally, I decided I could no longer have SS visit. This nearly broke apart my marriage. My husband accused me of turning my back on "our" son. Now this kid wasn't "my" son when I wanted him disciplined or when I thought my husband should call the school and request that they paddle his 12 year old behind instead of putting him in in school detention twice a week. Nope, then it was none of my business and I "hadn't raised a preteen yet." Guess what? Neither was my husband, to me "raising" denotes actually being involved. Anyway, I digress, since then SS only comes around when my husband is home. I try to make myself scarce and my primary care doctor gave me xanax so I wouldn't be so tense and anxious when he's around. He is now almost 16 and he is worse than ever. He is getting in fights at school, we took him on vacation with us (9 days of an ungrateful, whiney teenager is NOT fun) and he actually was going out of his way to "shoulder" people and almost knock them down. Seriously, he was stepping over a good two feet and ramming them so hard they spun halfway around. My husband insisted that he was only making his way through the crowd, that those people were walking on the wrong side and were in SS's way. Whatever, if you have to move 2 feet to your side to hit them....they aren't in your way. He is a big kid (not fat, just BIG and solid) and the day I saw him do that to a guy who was probably all of 5'5 and 150 lbs I knew I was done. I will never go anywhere with him again, he made my vacation miserable. To everyone who has suggested she do this or that - it may not be that easy. If I refuse to pick up SS or whatever and want my husband to do it as it's "his job", I get yelled at and threatened with divorce. I've since learned that is a smoke screen. He just wants to try to "make" me do this for his kid, and (to be honest) if he wants to divorce me because I won't put myself out for a kid who is rude and disrespectful to me then LET HIM. But I do hate the drama it causes and that my kids notice that Daddy and Mommy are fighting. They are big kids themselves (youngest is 7) and they know when things are super tense. I am weighing my options now and trying to decide how to get away from my SS and my husband's family (who seem to have my husband's misplaced sense of loyalty - never admit the kid needs his attitude adjusted, it's always someone else's fault.) The thing is, also like you, when SS isn't around we have a lovely family dynamic. For whatever reason, my husband feels disloyal to his son if he feels the same way I do about this kids bad attitude. I think he feels like his son will feel "ganged up on". Uh, it's called UNITED FRONT and many parents do it, and it's not "ganging up" if the kid is truly in the wrong. Please start looking around for ways to get SS out of YOUR life. Let your husband see him all he wants but you shouldn't be subjected to abuse by a nine year old. It won't get better, it WILL get worse. Right now I'm mad at MYSELF because I've sunk 13 years into this marriage and I don't even get a say in how my life goes. I have three kids to support, but if I didn't (or if I had a job that paid enough to support them on my own) I would be gone yesterday :( I love my husband but he is like Jekyll and Hyde when his son is around.