Thank you, thank you, thank you to Silversword and lamom. You get what I am saying. I was not trying to "goat" anyone into anything or stir up the pot. I really was posting my deep thoughts, kind of like a journal to myself while at the same time trying to explain the situation. The reason I wrote the stuff about the BM being proud of being 'white trash' was because I was trying to explain about what I am dealing with here. That is all. I am the furtherest thing from someone who is all high and mighty and I don't think I am better than anyone else. In fact I am more of the black sheep in my family partly because I am not so judgmental and I am the rebel. I have tattoos, moved out at 17 on my own, don't like people to tell me what to do, etc. And yes I freely admit I am a control freak. That is something I am working very hard on. After the first post I was just adding details and my mind and thinking were changing. I am glad that my tune has changed since last Sunday. I am feeling much more optimistic now. Honestly I didn't think I was even going to come back to this site and I told myself today ok just go see what was said but don't post anymore. I am glad I did come back because both silversword and lamom made feel better and realize that not everyone here is so judgemental. I can take criticism and I was really thankful for the first few posts that told me to grow up because that is exactly what I needed to hear. And I do not get off on or enjoy writing inflammatory posts. I am sorry I was just writing my story and the quotes that sylviatexas posted that I wrote on the first day I registerd were written because that is what was said. I was not making anything up, that is my story and I am sticking to it, lol. My DH did not graduate but I don't hold that against him. I still love him very much. He also had a drug addiction in his past but you know what he is stronger for it and has proven how he can overcome almost anything. People do change and I do not hold their past on them forever. When I say he went through a bad period that is what I was referring. There is, of course, way more to the story and lamom is right you can not describe it all in one post, or even probably in 100. But what matters most is that this site did help me. I got a change to write my thoughts down and try to figure out what in the world I was really feeling. The more I wrote about SS and what HE has to deal with the more I found that I do care about him. I really do. It is still going to take time to build a relationship but I think it is all going to be ok.

Well, there's no such thing as a "normal" kid or "unconventional" kid, imo. There are individuals who make the choice to fit in or not to fit in (which is perfectly fine either way) but a lot of those who say they don't want to fit in simply don't have the skills to fit in and take the route of "I don't care". I think rather than branding a kid "unconventional" it's best to make sure they have the skills to be conventional if they need to. Sure, a kid can get by. I did. I was absolutely as unconventional as a person could be in high school and my parents thought it was "cute". I don't think there's anything cute about a kid who doesn't behave properly in a given situation. And for the kid who isn't behaving poorly because they are acting out but because they simply do not know any better it's a gross disservice. Example, I think kids need to learn table manners. They need to learn how to tell which fork to use first. Even if you are not a "conventional" family who serves on a white tablecloth with grandma's silver, the kid needs to learn 'just in case' they ever find themselves at the white house. Same with taking a hat off in a restaurant, opening doors for women, not touching every cookie, offering to your guest first, how to politely decline an invitation, helping a host with dishes (or the right way to offer help), returning a vehicle you borrowed with a full tank of gas, what time to arrive for a dinner party (never arrive early unless invited early!!) etc. There are social norms that must be understood. Once they are understood, an adult may choose to follow those norms or go out on their own path. If the kids in the special school are thinking him weird he may think he needs to be weirder in order to stand out. Maybe he needs a talent or something that could help him stand out without being 'weird'? It may just be a way of getting attention. It's BS. People in real life will shy away from you if you don't learn the social norms that make up your environment (may differ from town to town and region to region). Having the ability to perceive what is going on with others and "match" their tone is essential to social success. That's what I find exhausting. Perception is everything. That's why I think an acting class may help. Having to determine what others are thinking/feeling without words and respond appropriately. Also, consequences. If he does not behave in a way that others can tolerate he won't get invited to do things. This may not matter to him now, but maybe a trip to a college campus (they have ones where you can sleep over too) where an older boy can give him a little advice? Does he have any older male role models? I don't think he has a good view of who he is, and I think that's the issue. He needs to see what it looks like to be appropriate and what it looks like to not be appropriate. You don't have to like the same tv shows as everyone else, or the same clothing, or the same anything. You can be your own person and not be "unconventional". So many kids that age are simply carbon-copies because they are too scared to be themselves. That's why "unconventional" can be worn as a badge of honor. I'm "different". LOL. That's cool. Now can you get along with ten strangers in a submarine or will they throw you out first chance they get? Being able to get along (not "fit in") with others is a crucial skill. What was he like as a small child?

Mommy08, I know exactly where you are coming from. I have also known my stepson since he was 2, and for years I tried to love him and take care of him like he was one of my own (my husband and I have 3 children together.) He was always surly and ungrateful but I put it down to bad raising on his mother's part. That woman is crude, vulgar, mean, a compulsive liar. Anyway, once he got near his teen years he actually became blatant in his disprespect. He would grin at me as I told him he had been rude and needed to apologize. He was being reprimanded on a constant basis at school (my husband would never call the school and get a meeting, that should have warned me just how far his head was stuck in the sand.) I finally could no longer deal with him. Like you, I would begin to dread his visits a week in advance. Worse than you, we actually had him for 2 weeks at a time AND my husband travelled for work so it was me and my kids alone with him. Actually, I doubt it would have mattered in the long run. My husband isn't going to admit that his son has a huge attitude problem, his being here would have just meant more frustration for me. Finally, I decided I could no longer have SS visit. This nearly broke apart my marriage. My husband accused me of turning my back on "our" son. Now this kid wasn't "my" son when I wanted him disciplined or when I thought my husband should call the school and request that they paddle his 12 year old behind instead of putting him in in school detention twice a week. Nope, then it was none of my business and I "hadn't raised a preteen yet." Guess what? Neither was my husband, to me "raising" denotes actually being involved. Anyway, I digress, since then SS only comes around when my husband is home. I try to make myself scarce and my primary care doctor gave me xanax so I wouldn't be so tense and anxious when he's around. He is now almost 16 and he is worse than ever. He is getting in fights at school, we took him on vacation with us (9 days of an ungrateful, whiney teenager is NOT fun) and he actually was going out of his way to "shoulder" people and almost knock them down. Seriously, he was stepping over a good two feet and ramming them so hard they spun halfway around. My husband insisted that he was only making his way through the crowd, that those people were walking on the wrong side and were in SS's way. Whatever, if you have to move 2 feet to your side to hit them....they aren't in your way. He is a big kid (not fat, just BIG and solid) and the day I saw him do that to a guy who was probably all of 5'5 and 150 lbs I knew I was done. I will never go anywhere with him again, he made my vacation miserable. To everyone who has suggested she do this or that - it may not be that easy. If I refuse to pick up SS or whatever and want my husband to do it as it's "his job", I get yelled at and threatened with divorce. I've since learned that is a smoke screen. He just wants to try to "make" me do this for his kid, and (to be honest) if he wants to divorce me because I won't put myself out for a kid who is rude and disrespectful to me then LET HIM. But I do hate the drama it causes and that my kids notice that Daddy and Mommy are fighting. They are big kids themselves (youngest is 7) and they know when things are super tense. I am weighing my options now and trying to decide how to get away from my SS and my husband's family (who seem to have my husband's misplaced sense of loyalty - never admit the kid needs his attitude adjusted, it's always someone else's fault.) The thing is, also like you, when SS isn't around we have a lovely family dynamic. For whatever reason, my husband feels disloyal to his son if he feels the same way I do about this kids bad attitude. I think he feels like his son will feel "ganged up on". Uh, it's called UNITED FRONT and many parents do it, and it's not "ganging up" if the kid is truly in the wrong. Please start looking around for ways to get SS out of YOUR life. Let your husband see him all he wants but you shouldn't be subjected to abuse by a nine year old. It won't get better, it WILL get worse. Right now I'm mad at MYSELF because I've sunk 13 years into this marriage and I don't even get a say in how my life goes. I have three kids to support, but if I didn't (or if I had a job that paid enough to support them on my own) I would be gone yesterday :( I love my husband but he is like Jekyll and Hyde when his son is around.

How sad and ugly that something which should be such a bonding experience (child taking over the torch for parent's business), especially at this time with Dad having cancer, should turn into basically a hostile takeover... It may be too late (depending on the personalities involved & communication skills), but I'm wondering if Dad can have a one-on-one heart-to-heart with his son, simply asking him what has happened (in son's perception) to create such a competitive and exploitative relationship between the two of them. If Dad can convey that it is safe for son to share his real thoughts and feelings without Dad's judgement, invalidation or rejection, it just might get to the core of the matter, be a real learning/healing experience for both of them and begin a process of a better relationship. Then again, it might not. Son may simply have hardened into a selfish person who just wants to browbeat Dad and doesn't want to compromise. Or Dad may be too defensive or otherwise have some blockage to hearing what son may have to say and reject him. Maybe it's nobody's fault but the situation is just one that isn't easily fixed (often the case in post-divorce/blended family circumstances). In any event, now that Dad is up to working again, tools that are his property should be given back, period. Before I'd call the cops, though, if I were Dad I'd at least tell son with civility: "Look, I'm back in business and I need my tools. When will you have them to me?" and if son indicates he's not planning on returning them, Dad can THEN say: "How would you like to work this out, then, with me getting my tools back? Would you rather buy me brand new tools with the big profits you've made? Or would you rather spend the money on court costs if I have to sue my own son for them? Maybe I can take the cost of them out of your inheritance, if I still feel like leaving you one. Your choice, I'm trying to be fair and give you options but you're not going to be able to just take my tools from me."