My daughter does not respect my choice

17 years ago

I am a single parent from 20 years with 22 year old daughter, who is a college student and currently is abroad for a year. I am in a relationship with an wonderful men, who is my best friend as well from 8 years, but my daughter does not like him and does not want to get to know him better. She talks to her father who lives in another country as well. The men that I am involved with just lost his job, but he is financially independant and we decided to start our life togehter in my house due to my job location. I am sure my duaghter will not be too keen about it, especially when she comes back and she has to live with us. Of course I am going to talk to her about it, because my house is her house as well. I love them both and I do not want to have to make a choice, because my daughter soon will have her own life with her own choices and I respect that. So, I feel that she should respect my choices as well, but how I can earn her respect about my choice and decision to share my life with a men, who is not her father?

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Comments (5)

mom2emall
17 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
I am confused on how long you have been with this man. Have you been with him 8 years?

Either way your daughter is 22 and IMHO that is too old to have a say in who you date or choose to live with! Your right, she is going to be starting her own life soon. And you have every right to start yours.

Is her father still single? If not how does she deal with him and his significant other?
ceph
17 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
If I understand correctly, you have known him for 8 years and recently decided to become romantically involved?
I was in a similar situation: my dad married a family friend when I was 18. I didn't always get along with my SM at first, but I did understand that my dad had a right to be happy and have his won life.
Is your DD is out on her own? If she is, IMO, leave her spaces in the house (like her bedroom and any storage areas full of her stuff) as is for now, so that she doesn't feel displaced. Make sure she knows that your BF is living there BEFORE she comes home for a weekend or Christmas or whatever. Plan some outings for just the two of you, and plan for BF to go out for an evening or afternoon without you, to help ease the adjustment.
So, as a 26yo SD, I think you have a right to your own life, but you should ease DD into it gently.
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I haven't read all of these messages. But I have to tell you that I grew up in a home where my step father treated us like DIRT! Kids were to be seen and not heard! That was his favorite line! At 16 I was ready to move out on my own. Life was horrible. I got NOTHING- yelled at, told I was lazy- you name it. I had to buy my own school clothes my own everything. He controlled the whole household. I never got a kind word spoken to me, never a praise, never a pat on the back. No help for college. NOTHING.... He had his own two kids, to this day he still supports them. They are both lossers. But those two kids got anything they every wanted. I didn't want much REALLY As hoaky as it sounds, I just wanted a dad! Someone I could call dad again- not Phil. I was about 12- had lost my dad two years previous. I missed my dad- I missed my family- we moved out of state. It was a sad childhood. My mom was the calming force. She kept the peace. But it wasn't enough. The constant stress from the day to day living with this man. I stayed out of the house as much as possible. I had a horse. I rode for hours. When that wasn't enough I found a boyfriend. At a very young age I became more 'involved' with my boyfriend then I should have. I worked, anything not to be home. I HATED it! As an adult I would wait for the man I was dating to turn into Phil. See, he wasn't always like he was when my mom married him. He was actually one of the nicest men I had ever met. Until the vows were exchanged. We weren't bad kids. We accepted him. He never could or would for us. I can't stress enough what your doing to your daughter. SHE WILL NEVER forget this. You are destroying her piece by piece. My advice is to leave this man. You will get over the loss- she just might never get over what he is doing to her! I know this man your married! Not in the literal sense, but I LIVED THIS...... I still think about my 'lost' childhood from time to time. But you know what, I BEAT him.... I'm succesfull! I'm happily married with two kids. I have a wonderfull relationship with my mom and brother. And my husband is NOTHING LIKE HIM! My mom left him about 6 years ago. Sad it took that long. My brother who was younger then me, lived with him from a small boy up. I see the horrible traits of Phil in my brother. My brother grew up thinking he was dumb. He drifted from job to job. NEVER a harder worker, but he had trouble reading and writing. So he'd drop the job as soon as more responsiblity was sent his way. It was sad.... He's just recently regained some of his self esteem. He's 29 years old! Took him all this time. He's found his place in life. So have I! Guess what! I can even eat food in my living room LOL.... So can my kids.. I'm sorry if this is harsh and I'm sorry it most likely didn't make sense. If it helps your 16 year old daughter then I'll sleep better at night.... HUGS to you and your daughter. Kristi
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serenity_now_2007
17 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
I think no matter how young or old, kids don't really have a 'say' in who you choose to date, marry, etc. I'm an adult stepdaughter to both a stepfather (whom I get along with) and a stepmother (whom I don't get along with), and never would I have expected to have a say in who my parents chose to be with.

So, while one's child doesn't have the right to choose or veto one's partner ---and maybe BECAUSE of that fact--- the parents/stepparents don't have a right to choose or veto the child's FEELINGS about that person. (They also don't have the right to choose or veto the stepparents' feelings about the stepchild, which may very well be just as negative if not more so.)

If you're thinking about recoupling & blending families, it's a very, very weighty decision for EVERYONE involved. Except that the children, who are highly affected by the decision, are not involved in the decision-making process. The people who actually have the freedom and power to choose (the parents and stepparents) should choose wisely and after careful consideration and after as broad and open communication as possible. Precisely BECAUSE the aspect parents and stepparents don't have control over is anyone's feelings about it.

A child DOES have the right to discuss concerns about the stepparent with the parent and/or that stepparent, but the child does not really ---as we all know--- get 'veto power' over the choice of the partner. The child can hope that the parent considers their needs, feeelings and input, but the child knows s/he is not the one in charge of the decision. A child has the right to disapprove of or dislike the stepparent (just as, is often said, the stepparent does not have to like the child or approve of everything the child does or is), but again, the child does not get say in if the stepparent stays or goes. Once the choice of partner has been made, stepparent and stepchild basically just have to deal with one another as- is. If they don't like each other, they each have many options as to how to cope (including making the decision *for themselves* to pull back from their relationship with one another), but there is a limited amount of control anyone can have over either of them in terms of the coping strategies THEY choose.

If either/both the stepparent and stepchild dislike one another, basically that is their right. No one can force liking. No one can force the genuine, internal FEELINGS of admiration or respect. But every individual has the right to determine what kinds of outward BEHAVIORS they will and will not tolerate *for themselves*. A baseline level of OUTWARD RESPECTFUL BEHAVIOR is required of everyone, even if INTERNAL RESPECTFUL FEELINGS are not there.

So basically, yeah, no one can force anyone else to like them, and everyone knows kids don't REALLY get to choose their parents' partners, no matter what the parent may say to the kids to make them THINK it's something they have any control over. So I think it's better to NOT even create the illusion that they actually do have a say. Instead choose wisely and take co-responsibility for your choice, and accept that others will not always like your choices, and that is acceptable for both them and you. As with so many things in life, there are things we an actually control and things we can't, and things tend to work out best for everybody when people have a clear grasp of what those things are.
quirk
17 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
Why doesn't she like him? Is it personal, or she just doesn't like the idea of her mom in a relationship? Because those are two different situations, so how you address it would be entirely different, depending.
imamommy
17 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
There is no answer to the problem. You can't force someone to respect your choice. She's entitled to her opinion, but she is 22 years old & you are entitled to your own life.

I also chose to be a single parent (instead of dating) for several years when my kids were growing up and when I finally started dating, they were happy for me. When I finally met my husband and we got serious (engaged, living together & married), they didn't like it so much. They didn't like that he was living here, it meant things changed and they didn't like anything to change.

Just my opinion, but if she doesn't like the idea of mom in a relationship, she may come up with reasons that make it seem personal, but it probably would be a problem if it were anyone. I also have a theory: When a mom & daughter live together, she is more likely to accept mom's BF/DH because the daughter may see the same things in the BF that the mom is attracted to. Same thing with dad & son with dads wife. However, when a dad has his daughter, the daughter competes with his wife and a son competes with mom's husband, so there is likely more difficulty when the child is a different gender than the parent. That's just a theory & my opinion.

My daughter does not respect my choice

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mom2emall

ceph

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