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mom2emall

how much is too much

mom2emall
16 years ago

I have not been commenting or posting on here as often as I used to, mostly due to some hateful people on here.

Honestly, I have said it before and now I am saying it again. Why is it that the same bm's on here feel the need to constantly pick apart sm's? I make a comment about making my stepdaughter put her own food on her plate and a bm throws dss at me! Another sm talks about her skids cleaning a room and gets told they should just shut the door. Another sm says 11pm is too late for a 12 year old to do laundry and gets told it is no big deal! But, I bet if we were talking about letting kids stay up till 11pm on a school night for no reason then we would get bashed too! I get told that a child should not be punished for "tattling". Well in a home with a mom and dad if a child complained to the mom about dad saying no wouldn't that mom let her child know that it is not going to get you anywhere to complain about the other parent?

We understand we are sm's, not bm's. But, our homes have rules that need to be followed. And my dh's ex has NO say in what goes on in our household. The children are well taken care of and not abused or neglected in any way. (which was not the case when they have spent time with her) I do not see it as being unreasonable that the kids follow our rules in our home.

It seems that some of the bm's on here spoil their kids and see sm's having boundries as "evil" and needing a call to dss!! Well sorry that we expect respect and expect the kids to pitch in around the house!!! If you like doing everything so much that is great, but I will stick with teaching my skids responsibility and that there is consequences for your actions (not just having to pay your ex wife a crazy amount of money forever because you realized how miserable you were with her and decided to find something better!!)

Ta Ta for now.................

Comments (68)

  • kkny
    16 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    It seems to me that the OP is upset at child complaining to mom. That to me is unacceptable. OP has every right to discuss how her house is run with her DH, and DH can decide rules for children, laundry etc, but no one should have the right to tell child not to call mom.

  • cawfecup
    16 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    If he is supposed to be in bed at 9 PM doing laundry and talking on the phone at 11PM is unacceptable. End of story.

    Its not ok for any parent to keep a 12 YO child up on the phone at midnight.

    So because mom asked him to do something unacceptable we are supposed to let it go because mom asked him to do it?

    So as long as mom says its ok its ok .... thats good to know....

    Guessing I am wrong too for telling him not to call his siblings fricking retards ... considering he has an aunt and cousin who are mentally retarded ... also told him it was genetic same as red hair ... and since retardation is more prevelent in his family than red hair ... his chances of having a retarded child are pretty good... and with any luck he will have a healthy child who walks around calling the other a fricking retard because thats acceptable.

    Oh that's right they call mom's sister "auntie tard" so I guess it acceptable because mom does it.

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  • sieryn
    16 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    "Is it acceptable for a 12 yr old to tell an adult to go to hell? yes"

    In my house that would be a child with a mouthful of vinegar...

  • theotherside
    16 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    "In my house that would be a child with a mouthful of vinegar..."

    I think that is abusive.

    No one can be forced to RESPECT anyone. They can be forced to pretend to respect them, not that I think that is a good idea.

    Children and adults should be civil to other people, both adults and children, unless the other people give them good reason not to be. I certainly wouldn't want my child to respect or to be civil to a sexual predator, whether or not he was a principal or church official.

    Children do have civil rights, just as adults do, including the right to free speech. The only reason they do not have all the privileges of adults is safety - it isn't safe, of course, for a six year old to drive, for example.

  • justnotmartha
    16 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    "The only reason they do not have all the privileges of adults is safety - it isn't safe, of course, for a six year old to drive, for example."

    Do you really mean this? That children, lacking experience, wisdom, responsibility and education should be given the same privileges as an adult? Respect is earned - but children, again lacking said characteristics, do not have the tools to determine what "earned" is. That is why it becomes the job of parents to teach children to be respectful until valid reason is given to behave otherwise.

    So let's say your child got in a fight at school. The teacher walked up and said "kids - break it up. Lets discuss what happened and reach a solution." Would it be acceptable freedom of speech for your child to tell that teacher to go to hell?

  • justnotmartha
    16 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    I agree completely with your post.

  • theotherside
    16 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Yes, absolutely children should have the same rights and privileges as adults, limited only by safety considerations. I disagree that children can not determine whether respect has been earned.

    Far too many adults, including teachers, demand that the children respect them while treating the children disrespectfully. They do not deserve respect and children know that.

    I would not have a problem with the child telling the teacher whatever he wanted. I would have a problem with fighting, of course.

  • sieryn
    16 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Wow..just wow. I guess I'm still of the 'old school' thoughts that children should be taught to show respect to EVERYONE regardless of if they've earned it because that is being a POLITE and DECENT person.

    "Children do have civil rights, just as adults do, including the right to free speech"

    I believe they have the right to voice their complaints in a constructive respectful manor as they will be expected to do as adults. I can't just walk up to my boss and tell him to go to hell so why should it be acceptable for my child to do that to his teacher? It teaches no real world lesson as some behaviors are NOT acceptable in society.

  • theotherside
    16 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Being civil is entirely different from respecting someone.

    What some of the other posters seemed to be saying is that children has FEWER rights to free speech than did adults, and that is not the case.

  • justnotmartha
    16 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    No - children need to learn to respect what free speech is. It is not the right to go around and tell people to go to hell without provocation or consequence.

    "I believe they have the right to voice their complaints in a constructive respectful manor as they will be expected to do as adults. I can't just walk up to my boss and tell him to go to hell so why should it be acceptable for my child to do that to his teacher? It teaches no real world lesson as some behaviors are NOT acceptable in society."

    Well said, sieryn.

  • kkny
    16 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    This is about a child talking to his mom, and being punsihed by SM. That should never happen, I dont care what child says, he is entitled to say it to his mother. If my DD has problems with teacher, etc, I may not want her to talk to teacher without thinking it over, BUT SHE IS ENTITLED TO DISCUSS WITH ME.

  • cawfecup
    16 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    I can vacuum at midnight?

    Run the dishwasher at midnight?

    I can blast my stereo in my car coming down the road at 1 am?

    I should have no regard for others anywhere...

    He was not punished for doing what his mother said or for talking to her... he was told he couldn't do his laundry at 11 PM ... is that a punishment? His father told him he couldn't do it ... I just stopped the washer. Bad planning on parent and childs part does not make it right.

    Unless someone is dead or dying the phone should not be ringing at midnight...

    Look at the situation not the players involved...

    When I lived in an apartment I couldn't do laundry whenever I felt the need or vacuum whenever I wanted to .. I had to respect my neighbors ...

    Yes children have a right to speak their minds but they and others have to learn when and where and what is appropriate at that time.

  • kkny
    16 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    It is not SMs privildge or right to determine what a child can tell his mother. Never. I would be seeing a lawyer if that happened.

  • dirt_yfingernails
    16 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Is it acceptable to be doing laundry at 11 PM? NEVER if someone else is trying to sleep.

    Is it acceptable for a 12 yr old to be doing laundry at 11PM? NEVER - bedtime is 9:00 on weeknights and 10:00 on weekends.

    Is it acceptable for a 12 yr old to be on the phone at midnight? NEVER

    Is it acceptable for a 12 yr old to get their own plate for dinner? ALWAYS

    Is it acceptable for a 12 yr old to call his siblings frickin retards and fricking idiots? NEVER

    Is it acceptable for a 12 yr old to tell an adult to go to hell? NEVER

    'nough said.

  • justnotmartha
    16 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    For God's sake, KKNY. FOCUS. Your attention span jumps back and worth to whatever point you can harp on. If you get trumped on one point you jump to another - you make my head spin.

  • theotherside
    16 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    You don't run the dishwasher at midnight??? I frequently start the dishwasher just before I go to bed, so the dishes are clean in the morning. I have the loudest dishwasher north of the Mason-Dixon line, I usually sleep with my door open, maybe 20 feet from the kitchen, and it has never kept me or any of my kids awake. I often start the washing machine or the dryer at the same time.

    So, if someone is trying to sleep, I shouldn't do wash, dishes, or vacuum? What if it is 10 am on a weekend? Do I have to wait until the kids wake up to do any housework? Or is the only sleep that matters that of the adults?

  • mom2emall
    Original Author
    16 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    OMG! Between KKNY and her ridiculous points and now theotherside and her points I am not sure what is worse....children who misbehave or the adults who encourage it!!!

    As a stepmother, who RAISES my skids I have just as much say as my dh in things. I also have even more say in things than their BM (I love that term for her--sounds like a bowel movement...and she reminds me of one!).

    Was it my choice she ABANDONED her kids for the chance to run off with some guy she decided to have an affair with?

    Was it my choice when she lived close to us and she NEVER showed up to her kids schools for parent/teacher conferences or any functions?

    Was it my choice when she made plans to pick up the kids and then blew them off without calling?

    Was it my choice when she decided to follow her boyfriend to another state?

    Is it my choice that she rarely calls her kids?

    Was it my choice that I have been raising my youngest sk longer than she was even living with him?

    Nope...none of it was my choice. I am just the person who stepped up to the plate and began doing all the MOM things for the kids. I am the one who goes with their dad to parent teacher conferences and school functions. I am the one who brings them to the dr when their dad is at work, and I am the one who recently took the youngest to the ER because my dh could not leave work. I am the one who is home with them right after school doing homework. I am the one with them on school holidays when their dad has to work. I am the one who they come to with problems. I am the one who they cry to when their BM lets them down. I am the one who arranges playdates and carpools.

    KKNY and theotherside--I do all the mom things that you do for your kids. I am the mom in their life. Their mom is a poor excuse for a mother....she really amounts to an egg donor! I am allowed to get frustrated with my skids, just as I do with my own at times. I am allowed to get irritated if my skids complain to their mom about our house rules. I know that you have this idea that stepmoms are not important and are not supposed to be a part of the kids lives....well sorry to wake you up, but YOUR DEAD WRONG!!

    Most stepmoms on this forum are picking up the slack for BM's who left their kids. So, we are the mom. Any idiot can give birth...but it takes a special person to become a mother! And we became mothers by choice. We married into motherhood. We didn't just have a night of unprotected sex and end up a mom 9 months later. We went into the relationship fully accepting the children. Do I regret for a minute marrying my dh or becoming a MOTHER to his children??? NOPE! I love them like my own. They are my children in every sense of the word.

    I think of it like adoption. In adoption a person unable to care for a kid lets someone who can handle the responsibility raise the child. Well I am almost in the same situation without the piece of paper. Their mom is unable to care for them and My dh and I have been caring for them and have taken the responsibility. She has no responsibility for the kids. Do adoptive parents earn the title of MOM or DAD? Yup they do....and so do I!

  • kkny
    16 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    "BM (I love that term for her--sounds like a bowel movement...and she reminds me of one!)" -- what a testament to adult behavior. And all the SMs here who critize children for bad language.

    "Most stepmoms on this forum are picking up the slack for BM's who left their kids. So, we are the mom. " -- well hop over to the wedding thread and read about two sms, one TOW, the other who bragged about cutting down Dads already limited visition. And then want top MOB billing at the SD's wedding.

    Adoptive parents are parents. Most moms do not abdicate.

  • theotherside
    16 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    "Most stepmoms on this forum are picking up the slack for BM's who left their kids."

    Based on the posts I have read over the last several months, I don't think that is true. There are a large number of stepmothers on this forum whose husband's do not have primary physical custody, or whose children are adults.

  • mom2emall
    Original Author
    16 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    KKNY--I am an adult and can type what I choose....big difference between me typing on a forum and a child using bad language. I do not use bad language in front of the children and expect them not to use bad language.

    I find it funny that both bitter bm's HAD to find something small in my post to pick at....instead of agreeing with the big picture!! But, I have to say that I expected that from the two BITTER EX's on here!

    NEWSFLASH...I am not the enemy...tearing my posts apart are not going to make your ex's take back wronging you. It is not going to get even with the women in your ex's life!

    I wonder if either of you will ever agree with anything a stepmom on here says....or if your goal on here is to just pick at stepmothers. I still find it wierd that two women, who are not part of a stepfamily, chose to begin reading and posting on a forum specifically for stepfamilies. You have no good advice to give (that is obvious from all your posts which just pick at stepmoms). This is probably because you have no experience as a stepparent and are too narrowminded to think about what walking a day in our shoes is like.

  • kkny
    16 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Postings like yours help remind me not to cut Dad's GF any slack. And PS -- statistically your likely to become Mrs. X at some point and wifey # 3 can be snide to you. And SMs had a chance to try on those shoes before they walked in them -- I dont think TOS or I did.

  • theotherside
    16 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    ""Most stepmoms on this forum are picking up the slack for BM's who left their kids."

    I don't think this was something small. It was a topic sentence in one of your paragraphs, and appeared to be one of your major points in the post.

    "big difference between me typing on a forum and a child using bad language."

    I disagree. If one is rude, so is the other. Actually, the use of scatological "bad language" is more characteristic of 10 year old boys than of mature adults.

  • mom2emall
    Original Author
    16 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    KKNY...you talk about your ex's GF a lot and how we remind you to keep her away from your daughter and how we remind you not to cut her slack....we are not her so why should you justify your actions towards her by what we say on here? I do not treat my skids egg donor any different as a result of your stupidity on this forum!

    And theotherside....you said you would let your kids say "hell" and other rude words...so based on your comments what does that say about you?

    My whole point of this entire post was that you two rip stepmoms apart based simply on the fact that they are stepmom's.

    And you say things like "statisitically you may divorce."

    Well statistically 708 out of 100,000 adults die from car accidents...does that keep you from leaving your house and getting in a car? Doubt it! Everything in your life is a risk. When you put food into your mouth your taking a risk. If you drink tap water your taking a risk. Even buying vegetables can be a risk...look at the spinach scare! Childbirth is another risk most of us on here took.

    You both just go off on tangents based on single words or phrases in our posts and miss the big picture.

    The BM that I deal with is in no way a good mother. I have taken over the slack for her. Do I deserve a medal for it? No, but I do deserve respect and do have the right to gripe about some things. ESPECIALLY ON A STEPFAMILY FORUM!!!!!!

    I also have my own child, who I have ALWAYS been a mother to. I never put myself in the situation where another woman would raise my son. The idea of another woman raising my son is awful. The BM I deal with WILLINGLY left her kids, blew them off, moved far away, and limits her contact with them. Just because she gave birth to these kids does not give her more rights than me is all I am saying. If I raise her kids, and have been raising them longer than she did, I have the right to have imput into their lives. My DH strongly agrees with that, so that is all that matters.

    Go ahead...pick this post apart. You don't comprehend anything that is said on here...you just look for arguments you can make to stick it to the stepmoms on here.

  • justnotmartha
    16 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    "Postings like yours help remind me not to cut Dad's GF any slack. And PS -- statistically your likely to become Mrs. X at some point and wifey # 3 can be snide to you."

    This is a perfect illustration to the point I keep trying to make. In no way here did you respond - constructively or otherwise - to the content of mom2's post. All you did was make an unnecessarily nasty comment to hurt or offend. Did it make you feel good?

  • theotherside
    16 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    "Just because she gave birth to these kids does not give her more rights than me is all I am saying."

    Yes, actually it does. Unless the mother's rights are limited by the court, she has extensive rights when it comes to her children. You, as a stepmother, have no legal rights unless you adopted them.
    Somebody else posted a link to this article earlier:

    http://www.berkeley.edu/news/berkeleyan/1998/0422/families.html

    What I said was that it makes no difference if you are swearing when talking to adults or to your children - if one is rude then so is the other, and if one is ok, then so is the other. Bathroom humor is immature.

  • mom2emall
    Original Author
    16 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    "Is it acceptable for a 12 yr old to call his siblings frickin retards and fricking idiots? yes, and it acceptable for them to get annoyed at him for doing so

    Is it acceptable for a 12 yr old to tell an adult to go to hell? yes, it wouldn't particularly bother me if my kids told me to go to hell. Wouldn't advise telling your boss that, or someone holding you at gunpoint."

    This is how you parent? You accept your kids talking like that?

    "What I said was that it makes no difference if you are swearing when talking to adults or to your children - if one is rude then so is the other, and if one is ok, then so is the other. Bathroom humor is immature. "

    I am on the computer and my kids can not hear what I am typing...BIG DIFFERENCE!! Bathroom humor is immature? So is picking apart everything every stepmom on here says....

    As for the issue of rights...I know you have read my other posts because you have commented on them (very stupid points you have tried to make!). Anyways...the BM has NO VISITATION OR RIGHTS ON PAPER like I have mentioned before. My dh has SOLE CUSTODY...granted by a judge.

    The school only calls my dh or I...I have taken the kids to the ER when he was not able to leave work. The kids friends parents call me to set up carpools and sleepovers. I see all reportcards, progress reports, etc. I can sign their field trip permission forms. So, doesn't it seem that I have more rights than her?

  • theotherside
    16 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Have you adopted them? If not, you do not have the right to sign their field trip permission forms, etc.

    It is possible to have sole physical custody and still have joint legal custody. Even without joint legal custody she still would have some rights in regard to the kids. For one thing, I bet she can prevent you from adopting them. It is very difficult to terminate all parental rights without the parent agreeing to it.

  • theotherside
    16 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    "I am on the computer and my kids can not hear what I am typing."

    I have never typed anything that I would be ashamed or embarrassed to have my kids read. I do not use language elsewhere that I would be ashamed or embarrassed to have my kids hear.

    I do not restrict my children's language. They, however, do a great deal of self-monitoring. Although they have used the word "idiot," I have never heard them use the word "retard," and they were never into bathroom humor.

  • kkny
    16 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    If Mom2emall reacts with bathroom language and vindicativeness at every turn, yes this is my reaction. Again, I see a lot of anger from her and Cawfe in response to situations that dont seem that awful. Yes their husbands apparently have full, or close to full, custody, which is rare. Maybe that is unfair, and maybe the rarity of it makes them more angry. And their children, like most, dont apreciate them. I do wonder if their anger at the situation they are in doesnt contribute to any issues, no matter how small. I dont think I ever really appreciated my mother till I was a mother. And as to the sarcastic reply that they are tired of hearing that they knew what they were getting into, let me remind them that me and TOS had no choice about our situation. We had no choice as to Dads new wife or GF. So when SMs complain that they arent consulted re decisions involving their household, I would reply no one consulted first wife regarding someone who might be living with chld.

  • justnotmartha
    16 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    KKNY, you make some valid points. But I think to say this happens "at every turn" may be an exaggeration. I've seen posts without it that are just a chance to vent to some understanding ears . . . and I've seen those posts turn sour when there becomes a bitter battle between the moms and the step moms. There is often anger that results from being a SM, and this forum may very well be the only opportunity some have to get it out. Responding with advice, encouragement or even perspective from "the other side" is constructive . . . but to be honest KKNY I have felt your wrath over just the littlest thing and questioned why all this anger was being directed at someone you did not know, whose situation you didn't know and whose shoes you had never walked in.

    As the wife of a dad with full legal custody and an ugly history I think I can say it's not the rarity that makes these women angry. I know for myself that I feel angry when I'm told that this women, who has never shown an ability to put her child first. . . who has made selfish, childish choices at every turn and placed her child in harms way . . .who hurts her child regularly with her words, actions and anger . . . should be given deference and respect because she gave birth. It's a difficult pill to swallow when I have been the one called "my real mom" since the child was 4 . . .run to for every heartache. . .looked to for advice and encouragement . . .been the volunteer, the coach, the leader . . .taken care of those daily "mom" things with love.
    Just like it would infuriate you to have your DD say dad's GF was wonderful because she bought DD a pair of jeans, it infuriates me to hear I should defer to a woman who has not earned that respect. She has earned the situation she is in - both with custody and with her daughter's feelings about her. Just like TOS says - respect is earned, not freely given. Giving birth does is not enough to earn the respect of a mother.

    I think anger never makes a situation better, and that is why I think this forum needs to be a place to come and get some one that anger out without being torn to bits. If they have been bottling it up for days and can't "explode" here chances are they will explode at a skid, thus widening the gap between them and perpetuating more anger over that. Even though my relationship with my SD is great, there are still times I want to ring her neck, and that has little to do with her being my SD and more to do with her being 12 . . . and a little too much like her irresponsible mom at times. Most of my anger stems from her mom's behaviors, and my disbelief that any mother could do what she does to her child. That anger can well inside me for days, and I have found that ironically getting "mad" at posts here has taken away some of my anger toward mom . . . like it's been redirected at y'all here. Guess I owe you a thank you for that!

    I know I had much more appreciation for my mom once I became a mother, but as she was a single mom for half my childhood I had a deeper appreciation for all she scarified even when I was younger. I honestly don't believe that a parent should go unappreciated, bio or step. As I said, I think children should be raised to appreciate time and items given to them. Not the write a thank you card a day kind of appreciation, but the back of the mind recognition and a simple thank you once in a while kind. Not because the adult needs to hear it, but because the child needs to learn to recognize and say it. With step parents it goes a little deeper, because they have the argument that they are not the bioparent, so they are not "obligated" to do any of the things they do for their skids. I know I felt that way in the past, but I came to a realization a few years ago. I can't accept from my SD that I am her "real mom" but then expect to receive special recognition for doing those things a "real mom" does because I'm only a SM. Did that make sense? Basically, you can't have it both ways - if you accept the role as the primary motherer, you can't expect treatment past what a "real mom" would get.

    I do believe SM's knew what they were getting into, but I know personally I had no idea how bad it would be. I was warned that she was crazy, but I went in thinking no mom could be that bad to their own child - how crazy could she be?? Plus, until you are there in the thick of it, seeing your skid hurt and your husband beside himself you don't know how intensely you will react to it, how deeply it will effect you.

    There was actually a clause put into SD's parenting plan that requires mom to notify DH 30 days in advance of any new members of the household to be added. This isn't because DH can stop them . . . it's so he can run their background. But no, I feel you that you can't control who your kids are exposed to on dad's side. In my case mom has a new husband who does not appreciate having a SD EOW, and makes that known.

    I just thought of a question related to this . . . but I'll save it for another post. Thanks for the civil discussion, KKNY.

  • kkny
    16 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    JNM, I do understand what you say, that giving birth is not enought to justify respect, but from my side, marrying dad is not sufficent to justify respect. I would say it is irrelevant to mother status. And many SMs here are not married to CP. Go back to the Wedding thread -- I almost thought those were trolls, but they seemed to have the support of a lot of people here. One woman was TOW and the other bragged about cutting down a very limited amount of visitation. And yet both demanded respect as SMs, and if anything felt that the mom, as former wife, should defer.

    And I agree with you that it would be nice if children appreciated parents, but it is unrealistic.

  • mom2emall
    Original Author
    16 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Martha you worded your post perfectly! I do come here to vent and get out my anger with situations that arise, so it does not come out at home. It is therapeautic at times just to type out what I am frustrated about. At times I may type about situations that seem like a molehill.....but when you put all the molehills that I have encountered with my dh's ex together it makes one heck of a mountain!

    And as you point out, you don't know what your in for until your in the middle of it. I knew about the BM's lack of interest in her kids and ridiculous behavior before we got serious or even discussed marriage. But it affects me more now. Maybe it is because of my attachment to the kids, and maybe it is because now she deliberately does things that are stupid. Whatever the reason, that woman can get under my skin at times. (as much as I hate to admit that!)

    KKNY I do not think that just because I married their father I should get respect, I think that because I treat them as my own and have mothered them for years that I have earned that respect! And I do get along with
    stepkids wonderfully. Of course, just as my biokid, my skids can irritate me at times. But, I have a very good relationship with them and could not imagine them being here everyday. When they visited their BM for a few weeks this summer I missed them like crazy and constantly worried about them.

  • justnotmartha
    16 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Thanks mom2.

    I completely agree with KKNY on this one. Marrying Dad (or mom)is not enough to earn you any more respect then you should commonly be shown as an adult. BUT, unless there are other circumstances (TOW?) just because they married Dad does not automatically make them the enemy. I think if a person shows by their actions that they are putting a child first and acting in their best interests they should be given respect, regardless of their mother status.
    And in the two instances your refer to, without knowing any more about them I agree - not people worthy of respect.

  • justnotmartha
    16 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    "And I agree with you that it would be nice if children appreciated parents, but it is unrealistic."

    I have a great example that this IS possible! Yesterday my SD and I went over to our new house to paint her bedroom, and after that she had a football game to cheer at, and I am the cheer coach. As we were painting away and chatting about boys, etc. she stopped, but down her roller, gave me a hug and said "thanks for spending your whole day on things for me."
    That showed me that for even just a minute it registered with her that I could have been elsewhere, but I was spending my time with her and she appreciated that.

    Made my day to know we were raising a girl who was conscious of others, and not totally pre-teen self centered!

  • lonepiper
    16 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    "So, if someone is trying to sleep, I shouldn't do wash, dishes, or vacuum? What if it is 10 am on a weekend? Do I have to wait until the kids wake up to do any housework?"

    I wait. My stepdaughters have full schedules - school, homework, chores, play practice, etc., etc. If I have other things to do outside the house and they are still not up, then I leave them a note and ask them to do it. It's give and take. I give them the same consideration that I would expect from them. Sleeping in is valuable to them and I will not take that away from them. We try to be as cooperative with one another as possible. Just common courtesy...

  • theotherside
    16 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    One thing you have to learn to do in a large family is to be able to sleep through a bit of noise.

  • lonepiper
    16 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    I agree. People have to adapt to their situations and if that means learning to live with a bit of noise, then you do. If I were to have a baby, then my stepdaughters would eventually have to get used to hearing a baby crying in the middle of the night and early mornings, etc. However, I would not deliberately do something that I know would take away from something that they value. And teenagers VALUE sleeping in on weekends!!! There are some things that I can't prevent, like a noisy garbage truck coming down the street or perhaps a honking car outside, etc. But I would NOT run the vaccuum early on a Saturday morning. And in return, they would not blast their music late at night. I'm not saying that this would work for everyone, but it works very well for my family. Sometimes its the little things that we sacrifice and strive to do on a daily basis that shows love.

  • theotherside
    16 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    I might not vacuum right outside their rooms, and definitely not in their rooms, while they are sleeping, but this whole not running the dishwasher/washing machine/dryer thing just floored me. I have never heard anyone, including my kids, suggest that there should be any noise-related restrictions on those. Would you not flush the toilet when your kids were sleeping (yuck)? Would my kids not watch the tv at a reasonable volume after I went to bed just because I could hear it? My house is small enough that someone at one end could hear someone eating rice krispies at the other end, and expecting the people who are awake to be silent is not reasonable.

  • Vivian Kaufman
    16 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Nope, after a reasonable hour--say 8 a.m., most everything is fair game in my house. (My kids will sleep until noon given half a chance...) Housekeeping is something I don't have a lot of time to do, so I'm doing it no matter when... We do have an upstairs/downstairs thing so I'm less likely to disturb anybody, but that wouldn't really matter anyway. There are things that need done, and I'm going to do them. I agree that I wouldn't vacuum in their rooms, but I don't have a problem with the dishwasher, clothes washer, etc. They can sleep through it.

  • justnotmartha
    16 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    This thread makes me chuckle, as I think I am the only one who felt from the start that the issue was really mom calling after bed time to tell child to get up and wash clothes after the house had gone to bed . . . especially when this was something that could have been accomplished before bed had she used a little forethought, or at her house the following day. I would never dream of calling another person at 11pm to tell them to do this, and that has little to do with noise and much to do with respecting another's household.

  • cawfecup
    16 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    I agree JNM... considering a week later after "she" called DSS on hubby to tell them .... her poor child had to get up at 11 PM and wash his clothes because he didn't have any ..... then when DSS spoke to the child he said ... no mommy called said she needed those clothes back so I got up to wash them. You had other clothes to wear ...yeah but mommy wanted those back. At 11Pm.. (dss told him)well next time you should wash your clothes earlier. Bad planning on your mother's part does not make it an emergency the clothes could have waited you needed to be in bed.

  • theotherside
    16 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    But if that is the case, it's in no way the child's fault. It is unfair to get mad at the child for obeying his mother.

  • cawfecup
    16 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Again we were not mad at him ... but he was not allowed to wash his clothes at 11 pm.

    NO ONE is allowed to use the washer after 10 PM ... anymore.

    Bedtime is bedtime. This is the child who keeps his siblings up by attacking them and starting fights. So his bedtime sticks he cannot leave his room his body needs to rest even if he doesn't sleep.

    You don't see this as a way for mom to manipulate her kids ? This is perfectly acceptable behavior for a parent to call at 11pm on a school night and midnight on a saturday just to talk to her child? .... So she wasn't thinking about calling them til midnight so thats when she called?

    Just a different kind of person I guess .... I wouldn't be calling my ex or the kids after 10 pm unless it was an emergency (or anyone for that matter, if it was after 10PM). And wanting clothes returned is not an emergency.

    Guess I was just raised differently to respect others and their homes.

    Although court is over with now ... she won't be calling again like that ... pattern two weeks before court date she calls every day at 8 pm to say goodnight... and continues until a week after court then she doesn't bother to call anymore.

  • theotherside
    16 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    "So after 2 hours of being in bed he decided he needed to wash clothes.... and then call his mother at 11 pm to complain. And she thought we were wrong."

    The original posts sure made it seem as if it was his idea to wash the clothes, and you were angry with him for washing them so late and for calling his mother to complain when you stopped the washing machine. Why would you say "she thought we were wrong" and "she stuck up for him" if he were just washing the clothes because his mom had told him to and it wasn't his idea to begin with? It seems like the background to this incident changed in the middle.

  • cawfecup
    16 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    She called him at 10 PM to tell him to wash the clothes .... at 11 PM we stopped him from doing so ...

    Who cares ..... was not the point .... we have "rules" here. Over and done with...

    Won't be washing clothes after bedtime again.

    And if mom feels the need to call her children after 9PM she has to call the house phone ... because his cell is shut off.

  • colleenoz
    16 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    I personally think both the 12 year old and the BM deserve anger - at 12 a child should have enough sense to know what is a rule (bedtime is 9pm) and that even if BM did tell him to launder his clothes in the middle of the night well after his bedtime, she should be told, "Sorry, I'm not allowed to be up so late. Talk to Dad." Should he blindly obey if she tells him not to do his homework, or to break a window, or anything else he knows is wrong?
    BM especially deserves it because she is knowingly breaking house rules, encouraging her son to do so, and disrespecting the household. How would you feel, TOS, if your Ex-H instructed your children to break your rules in your home? I doubt you would be thrilled. And frankly, if ANYONE phones my home after 10pm, someone had better be in the hospital or in gaol, because calling so late unless by prior arrangement is just plain rude. Even though I am a night owl myself, if the phone rings that late my first thought is that there is a crisis.

  • lonepiper
    16 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    Even if Cawfe jumped in front of a bus to push her stepson out of harms way and she herself was run over and killed I bet certain posters would still shake their fingers over her body and tell her "that wasn't YOUR job, you had no right!"

    It's obvious that they will not give an inch. Why do we continue to argue??

  • cawfecup
    16 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    lol ... because I "physically pushed him" hahahah... abuse abuse abuse lol

  • theotherside
    16 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    It is not the son's job to decide whose rules should take priority. I don't really care if she is angry at the mother for calling so late to ask him to was his clothes - what's important is that she had no right to get mad at the boy for doing what his mother told him to. There was nothing "wrong" about it - washing clothes at 11 does not violate some basic moral code. If my xH asked my kids to do something that violated our house rules - though I can't imagine that he would - keep the tv on during dinner? put the toilet paper roll on backwards? take a shower without asking everyone if they need to use the bathroom first? - I would not have any right to get mad at the kids for it, no.

    The only time my xH has ever called anyone on their birthday, he called our child who was about 8 or 9 at 9:30 at night - an hour after she was usually in bed. I thought it was kind of weird that he seemed to have forgotten that, but it wasn't a huge deal.

  • mom2emall
    Original Author
    16 years ago
    last modified: 9 years ago

    No, it is not the son's job to decide whose rules should take priority. So, turning the phone off after a certain time will keep him from having to decide!

    I have to agree that it gets annoying when the BM waits till late at night to call and bark commands at the kids and it puts them in a bad situation-so this alleviates the problem!

    My stepkids BM does not work and has all afternoon and evening to call the kids, though there have been times when she waits till after 9 on a school night to call(if she even calls at all). At first I would bring them the phone, since they go to bed at 8:30 and were not sleeping yet at the time. When it became time #3 I just said they are sleeping....call right afterschool tomorrow. After a few times of that she got the hint.

    In any case I think Cawfe had a right to get upset by the BM disreguarding the time of night she was calling to ask son to wash clothes. Perhaps BM could have called earlier, or even called late but just asked son to bring them in a bag to her house and she would wash them! But it is the inconsiderate behavior of BM that gets aggrevating. Maybe you are not bothered by anything, but other people are!

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