How to develop a relationship with stepchildren

16 years ago

There is one aspect of my position as SM that I find very discouraging. It is the feeling that I am a "glorified babysitter." As I've said before, I take care of my stepchildren 85% of the time. For the first 2 1/2 years we had grand discussions and would literally sit for hours just chatting. Of course, they regularly asked for things, too, but that's to be expected. They are children.

But since BM came back into the picture almost 2 years ago, my relationship with the stepkids has reduced almost completely to requests. I talk to SS11 dozens of times per day...but each time involves a request. "When are you taking me to guitar lessons today? Can I use the phone? Did you hook up the computer? What are we having for dinner? WHEN are we having dinner?" Realizing that I am the adult here, I knew that I would personally need to see to it that the lines of communication remained open. So, I ask him about his day. "What did you learn today?" "Did anything funny happen?" I get 2 to 3 word responses..."I learned stuff"...followed by a question..."Are you fixing monkey bread tonight?" I found quickly that trying to engage in conversation opened myself up to more requests. But I still try.

SD13 does this as well but is more conversational than SS11. The reason for this is that she is often around while my DS15 talks to me about things going on in his life...which leads SD to do the same. But if DS15 is not present, it is only questions, requests, "when will we do this?" "I need you to get me this...Can you do it today?"

Keep in mind that I have 2 biological sons. I know that children ask for things or to go places every day. That's what kids do. But I want to stress that when it comes to my stepchildren, our relationship is almost LIMITED to requests. I would like to see this change but am at a loss of how to deal with it. I try asking about their days...I've tried sharing stories about when I was little. I ask their opinions on certain topics...ask them what they want to do when they grow up. Their responses to me are not at all conversational. Just quick responses or "I don't know's" and then comes the requests. It feels as though their view of me is nothing more than a gopher. Can I get some more suggestions? What can I do to change this?

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Comments (4)

serenity_now_2007
16 years ago
I don't have too much time ight now, but just a couple of quick thoughts:

-a lot of this is AGE: preteens start getting more self-absorbed and interested in their little social lives than their parents. Happens to bio-parents as much as parents. (I think that's probably what I'd personally find hardest of all if I were a parent!)

-a lot of this could be GENDER, too: girls tend to talk more than boys. By the preteen age (also the 'latency period' for boys), they don't want much to do with any female, kid or adult, bio or step. They want to be super-coooooooool....

-I can see how the predominance of 'requests' could get annoying, again, bio or step. Kids should learn to share and share alike and that adults and other people will have requests from them too. Maybe try and work in a 'request' of your own for most (not all, that woudl be silly) of his requests toward you. Like next time he asks "Can you hook up the computer?", you can say ---in a straightforward, non-sarcastic, non-caustic way, "Yes, I can, but before I do, can you take out the garbage?" Over time, hopefully, he'll get it into his head that any relationship is a give-and-take.
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colleenoz
16 years ago
Maybe you could point out to your SKs something along the lines of, "You know, I really miss how we used to talk together. Lately it seems the only words that I hear from you are requests. It makes me feel like the unpaid housekeeper. Could we work on this please?" It probably is the age, they get so self centred they probably don't realise what they're doing, and I suspect will be too obtuse to notice if you instead counter with requests of your own, except to think, "Gee, Momof5angels is such a demanding b---h lately."
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finedreams
16 years ago
until turning 18 and starting college my nephew could barely say two sentences to anyone. now he talks prefectly fine. I guess he grew up. But my 41-year-old brother still does not know how to talk, and anything more than two sentences is a too much for him. "fine". "Ok". Huh", "good". that's all he says. I would like to see him talk at work, i suspect he is this way only around family.

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pseudo_mom
16 years ago
Momof5 .. my SS13 literally leans over my shoulder (he is a couple inches taller than me) to see what I am making .... they parade through the kitchen while I am making dinner .... now they "have to" wave at me as they pass me parade style.... if they come into the kitchen a 3rd time and ask when will it be ready ... they know they have to set the table ... SS13 will ask what we are having so he knows how many of everything to get ... setting the table is a big process ...but its something he enjoys ... to make it big process we eat "family style" so everything needs its own utensil little bowls water glasses milk glasses... it ends up being more dishes for me to do ... but he also helps me with the dishes. A little over a year ago he and I used to butt heads constantly and he never talked to me unless he was yelling at me. He still gives his dad the one word answers but with me he doesn't stop...

Just be happy your SC are not screaming at ya ... not talking is better than screaming.

Doing all this keeps him occupied and it gets him talking with me about ingredients he loves to bake ... so when he is asking me whats for dinner I return the question with what's for dessert?

Ever think to show him how to make monkey bread? My SS13 has been baking since he was 10. When he was 11 asked me how to make mashed potatoes and other meals he could make at his mom's house (she doesn't cook) so he can make many meals because he pays attention in the kitchen.

What did you learn today? nothing... I should become a teacher then make all that money for "nothing"

How was your day? good! what made it good?

We also do theme dinners once a month and the kids have to come up with the theme...plan the menu, do shopping list...

I used one of those 8x10 acrylic photo frames with the foot ... and printed something online showing table manners and on the other side it had conversation starters every week or so we inserted "new questions" ...different themes to pick from... you can find a lists and lists of
"dinner conversation starters" online ...

When is dinner going to be done??? when you are going to start making it? He'll either go away or help you.

I started the baking with him because he was "hating math" ... so I would take recipes and when it called for a cup of sugar I changed it to say 4 1/4 cups of sugar

Portion control on a box says 4oz. how much is 4oz. we had a diet scale and took him to a restaurant supply store to buy portion control serving utensils. 4oz ladles etc.

We also incorporated science ... with baking powder we made cookies with out it and with it to see the difference.
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How to develop a relationship with stepchildren

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serenity_now_2007

colleenoz

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