You asked and I will be brutally honest. If you didn't want honest opinions, you should not have asked.

1) you can fit your gardening in between 4:00PM and 7:00PM. Your son can help or you can leave him at daycare for another hour.

2)"walking your son" sounds like a dog. Your son does not need to be walked twice a day. This sounds like you are avoiding spending time with your wife. The time could be spent playing age appropriate board games with your son (the THREE of you) or by doing activities as a FAMILY.

3) You belong in your wife's bed, not your sons. Your son is old enough he needs to learn to sleep and that you will not jump just because he cries. Your being there for him and not your wife is teaching him some very bad priorities. It is also another way you are avoiding your wife.

Sounds like you need family counseling to get your priorities straight.

We have a not so big yard, but I have to do all the yard works, cutting grass, planting flowers in the spring, collecting garbage etc etc, we have 5 kinds of garbage to organize now. Unfortunately she doesn't treat yard works as work, she told me that it's my hobby, but I hate (at least not enjoying) yard works. I like my container gardens. But yard works takes lots of time too. Sometime, when I am cutting the grass, she would complain that it's too late to go for grocery.
She told me that she would start timing my time spent in the yard.

What your guys experience in this area? How can you do it with your partner in a enjoyable way?
I wish my wife could do the work together. But she likes stay indoors, she hates flies, which we have lots. She also likes traveling. Once or twice a year aboard, but she doesn't like traveling in a vacation. She likes living at different city for a year or two. I manage to do it, but it's not very practical in reality. It's costly and we have a house, a job and a kid. Hard to move.
Any thing I could improve our relationship?

Thanks
YT

My mom pulled one of my dad's potato plants when they were newly married, and he didn't speak to her for three days.

The gardening, I think you'll find, is a side-issue.

Get to the bottom of this, root out the source of resentment, and then enjoy your gardening!

As they say, Life is too long to be unhappy!

Josh

Thanks Nancy for the nice opinion.

I am thinking watering the plants around 6:00pm now. But I am busy with cooking. Have to squeeze the time.
I guess I have a very bad care provider, the boy is not getting enough exercise at her place and probably sleeps too much, so he is just crazy to get outside once at home. I am looking for a care provider right now. I have been playing games with him sometimes, but he always pointed outdoors and say out, out. Will talk to my wife about a family activity.

Yes, the sharing of the bedroom is a bad idea. I admit that. We have been struggling on those. I do that for my wife though. As she can't be disturbed during sleep. I have been in my wife's bed and run to peach my son in the last couple of months. We probably need another sleep training.

But for god's sake, I am not trying to avoid my wife. I still love her very much. We know each other in university for a long time. We are each other's first date.

As you said, bad priorities.

Hi Greenman,

Yes, you are right, gardening issue is the side effect of an unhealthy marriage. Like coughing during a cold, it's the virus that caused everything. You have to kill the virus to stop coughing.

I just started talking to my wife on the phone now about ways to improve the situation. Yes, she doesn't mind I am gardening. Just gardening in the wrong time, or gardening when she is in the bad mood. Also she hates that she isn't physically strong to be walking with the boy. She is kind of jealous that I am with the boy all the time. She feel being cut out.

You have to admit that there is this gender difference, I thought doing her a favor, but not on her side.

Going to a new daycare center next Monday, previously is the home based. Absolutely not enough outdoor activities.
Thanks

You have a great attitude and courage to come here for sure.

Listen to these members here, and do all you can to keep up the great attitude and willingness to humble yourself..

It will all work out in the end..

Love your family first, then your plants...

Mike..:-)

It's sad to read this.
I agree with Josh, that your gardening isn't really much of an issue...there's something deeper at issue, here.

I don't think anyone on these forums is truly qualified to give you advice on your relationship since no one knows your entire story. I feel bad, in a way, even offering any....but you did ask!

You do the cooking, the childcare, the yard and garden work, get up with the child when he cries at night and take your child on two walks per day and your wife is complaining that you don't spend enough time with her?

Personally, I commend you for getting your child outdoors for walks...at least you're not 'plopping him down' in front of the television as many parents do after a long day. I'm even guilty of that myself.

Can your wife be encouraged to participate in one of your walks....or could you perhaps turn your second walk into some other form of outdoor family time, since your child enjoys being outdoors? Or even turn it into some form of INDOOR family time?

I agree with nancyanne on the fact that your sleeping arrangement isn't exactly ideal for a marriage.
But it's neither your nor your son's fault that your wife is a 'light sleeper'.
If it were me, I'd leave the room when son falls asleep, then go sleep with my spouse....then....if my son woke up....I'd go to him from there. If that wakes your wife...so be it!

It sounds as though you're a busy person, and your gardening is your own 'relaxation time'. I don't see anything wrong with that. I would think your wife would appreciate the fact that you're not sitting in a bar or somewhere else away from home, or in front of the television yourself, among other things.

My husband isn't always real 'romantic' himself....but he respects my need for my hobby and 'my own time' to myself, as I do with his hobbies and 'his own time' to himself.

I wish you good luck in solving your problem. I hope it works out well for your entire family.

I shouldn't have read this because I think it's your wife, not you who has her priorities messed up. The son is half hers, and she should do her part!

Every mom in this earth has sacrificed sleep for her kids, and most kids cry for mom. She didn't want the kid?

Sounds like she is just trying to escape by whining about YOUR hobbies. Sounds like the world revolves around HER! Marriage takes two committed people.

I agree with whoever here said you should get some counseling.... Not from us!! You will get our opinions, but they are just only that.

I'm a woman, and your wife makes me upset!! She needs to grow up and be an adult and accept her responsibilities.

I'm sorry if I sound harsh, but it's what I think.

I really hope you can get this fixed, I really do. You are calling out for help. Is she?

Good luck, and prayers,

suzi

IMHO; IF I had to choose between spending time with the wife and gardening: Wife wins everytime! Women need something from men that most men don't even realize. They need real honest communication, otherwise they don't feel loved! You have to spend time with your wife and enjoy her! Maybe part of that is doing the jobs around the house together but she needs to be talked to. Water the plants with a timer and drip irrigation. Precook dinner when the baby sleeps, heck I do stuff after my wife goes to bed just to get ready for the next day! It includes packing her homemade lunch everyday! I love her and she is the most important person to me. I have 3 kids and we both work full time jobs. I have a container garden that she tolerates kindly. You can juggle everthing or figure out what doesn't need to be there but you cant neglect the wife!!!

I think Nancy was right on, and your son does need to learn to sleep alone and do so independantly. Now.

Gardening before your wife comes home also sounds like a good idea. And since your wife works a 10 hour day, it makes sense that you do the cooking for your family - that's a brutally long day, I can't imagine coming home to a 2 year old every day after that, so it's good that you do the meals. :)

As for romance, really women just want their husband to spend time with them, so we know we're appreciated and loved. Simple as that. What about a cushioned seat in the garden, where you can take her out there and sit together in the evening, relaxing, even just 20 minutes? Not you working on plants away from her, but sitting with her? That means the world to us.

It sounds like you both have your hands full with working long hours and raising a child. But don't forget that maintaining a relationship is very important too. Just like a plant, if you used to nurture it that's great, but if you stop nurturing it, don't feed it or give it warmth, it will die away, which is no good. :(

Be firm with your son, and be soft with your wife's heart - both of those things will make things at home both easier and better in the long run. Best of luck, I know you can do this. :)

We are on this site because gardening is our hobby. Your wife and family are what you made the commitment to. If you can't manage both, give up the gardening. Your marriage needs more work than your hobby. You are very lucky your wife is letting you know whats wrong with your marriage, it is up to you to fix it. Al

Thanks for everybody's help.

We settled yesterday, after a talk yesterday afternoon.
I re-arranged the schedule a bit. Watered the plants around 6, get my boy to help as well. He kind of love it, making himself wet. Then I had a walk with my boy for about 45 minutes. Get him run a lot, just to burn his extra energy faster.
Wife came home happy and talkative. After dinner, she even remind me that it's time to water plants now. I told her, dear, it has been done. I played with my boy inside our solarium instead of outside. Wife kind of tired, but at least she can see us playing.

It's the first time in the month that we sleep together yesterday night. The king size bed is so comfortable. Wife is very happy and started commenting on my Michelia Alba flowers (I have over 200 flowers buds set for now) that I plucked for her. 4 in the morning, the boy is calling for dad, I run to calm him down. I stayed with the boy in case he wakes up Mom again. My wife can't be waken up twice, otherwise she can't fall asleep again.

In general, women needs the company more than men. It pays to know. But it's true. My wife told me that she just wants to see me around, no matter what I do.

Now get back to the gritty mix. I still have a problem with watering this mix.

YT

alternate definition of the "Gritty mix"?

Gardens: So many weeds, so little Thyme.

Yellowthumb, good to see things getting better..It is nice to see how many care here..

I have a question????

What is a Michelia Alba? If it is what I think, please tell me where I can get one....Are they very fragrant?

Yours truly,

Mike

Oh My God.

You don't know Michelia Alba? You are not a fragrant flower lover then. It's the most sweet fragrant flower I ever smelled. One flower will perfume the whole yard, not aggressive, just sweet fragrant. You can google to find more information.
Easy to care as well. I have one in a 15 gallon pot now, it's 7 years old.

You can get it from many online nursery, like TT, or go to your Asian grocery or nursery. They usually carry them.

YT

Very encouraging to hear, YT!

Josh

I'm glad things are getting better also, but it does disturb me that this woman, your wife, does not mother her son. Is he not her son? It is so strange that a woman would estrange herself from her child. Something is very wrong that she did not bond with her son. Very wrong.

I think you are a kind person. Maybe too kind. You sleep with her once a month, and you are happy with this?

I'm a mom and a grandma, and I've seen it all, and this girl you have is being very selfish. If she gets so exhausted working a job, she should quit and try raising her son all day while you work!! She doesn't know the meaning of exhaustion!!

She must be very pretty, right? You give, she takes. What does she give? Not sex, for sure!!

I do think you need marriage therapy with someone qualified. None of us are, but I am pretty saavy, having had 2 boys, 1 girl, and 6 grand kids. It would kill me if any of them were in a relationship like you have.

If a woman does not respect a man, she can not love him. She is pulling the strings, and if that is the way you wish to live, then God Bless You. Enjoy a life without sex or loving support for your hobbies!

I do think you could find a new hobby......... ooops! Did I say that? There are a gazillion single women out there who would nurture you and your son. Give her a wake up call!! She's not that pretty!!

And your son, your little boy. He could grow up weird unless he gets some love from a mother figure. It appears things are unbalanced. I strongly suggest you and your wife get some real therapy. I'm worried about the one sided love and care your son is getting. Please don't ask us stuff. Please go get some real therapy. This is a very serious thing.

And as others have said, your hobby takes second place to the marriage. It wouldn't if there was no child involved, but you owe it to your son and yourself (you are getting the short end of the stick), to get it fixed.

Suzi

I'd kick her to the curb, if I was you. Pretty girls are a dime a dozen!!

Hi Suzi,

She is not nearly as bad as you think.

She loves the child very much, and the child is ours. I think somehow it messed up that the child is sticking to me all the time. It maybe because that I am the guy who do the middle night feeding and diaper since 6 month old. My wife is a very light sleeper. So I just do it.

When the boy is able to walk, I take him out all the time. Wife took him out a couple of times, but she feels a bit scared, because the boy runs fast and sometimes runs to the traffic.

Gradually the boy discovered that I am more fun than the Mom. My wife does all the laundry stuff which the boy doesn't see. My wife is a bit jealous for the situation, I think this is what we are going to work on to improve. We are decreasing the outdoor from twice to once and play together indoors after dinner.

OK! You win! She needs some exercise, and she will sleep like a log. Doing laundry is NOT exercise. Maybe go on a family run!! I'm sorry I misunderstood, but I went from what you told us. I still think you all need a real therapist.

Here is how to fix it. The kid calls. Ignore. He cries at 4 AM. Ignore! He will figure out that he needs to sleep. You sleep with your wife, and the child sleeps 8 hours as he should.

I've been through this. Kids will work you. You give, they take! Same as a bad woman!!

You son won't die if you let him cry. I promise. Sleep with your wife, endure a week of crying, and all will be peace! I promise!!

I didn't read all the responses, so I apologize if I'm repeating. It sounds to me like the gardening isn't the issue, rather your son seems to cling more to you, making your wife feel somewhat left out. I really don't see why your wife couldn't go on the walk with you and your son, or just spend time sitting in the yard while you garden.

My $.02. You have your own $.02, spend it wisely!

Spaceman

Lets just see if she is as sweet as you say. tonight is hers! Tomorrow is yours! Let it go. Let her have a chance!

It may not matter, and you don't need to answer if you don't want, but how old are the two of you?

We are kind of middle to late 30s. We rarely quarrel.

"boy",does he have a name?? Anyway he's 2 right,so he's old enough to sleep alone,and go outside with you when you garden without being too clingy.Give him his own little garden tools,and a place to dig and let him play there while you do the chores.Sure show/and teach him what you are doing,but also teach him how to be independent.

I'm a very light sleeper also ,yet when my kids(4 of them) were little,i got up and tended to their needs if they had any,and went back to sleep,no problem.It's called getting your priorities in order,and where there's a will there's a way.

Our kids always had set bedtimes,so when dh was home(he was a marine) we had our together time.Our kids are all grown up now and we have 6 GK'S and 3 GGK'S.

We're retired and we've both always had our separate hobbies,and now since dh had a small stroke in 1999,i taught him to garden as a way for him to relax.Now we both spend many hours in the garden,and we both enjoy it very much.

Hope you work things out for your own sake as well as the sake of your son.Life is too short,to not be happy in your life.JMO
Kathi

Yellowthumb, this is kind of a long post but take from it what you will. I hope at least one suggestion below can help you, your wife, and son.

I understand why you "walk" your son, it makes sense. But yeah, two hours per day is a lot. That's a very good compromise to replace the 2nd walk with indoor (rough house) activities you can do with mom around. Take advantage of the days when he is not real active (or when your late on your schedule and it's near bedtime) and do more quiet time things with the three of you. Like reading a book, practicing ABCs, numbers, etc.

Have your son help mom sort laundry (going in and coming out). If he doesn't enjoy it right away with mom, you should alternate it with your wife so you/Richard can do it together and make it more fun (like a game). Maybe watching you do it will give mom some tips on how to be more creative/exciting for a 2 year old. Even if not fun, kids like to "help mom/dad" -- it also teaches good work ethic and gives mom a break from that chore. He will also pick up you are "helping mommy" when giving her a break from laundry.

All-in-all, remember children love routine. The more your son can do with mom, as a routine event daily, the more he will enjoy it.

I agree your son should be sleeping in his own bed, I struggled with this, too. Also, you shouldn't "run" to his room every time he calls. Even if it wakes your wife, she has to realize that if she wants him to sleep on his own and develop individualized self-esteem, you may need to loudly call back to your son "it's OK, mom and dad are here, it's time to sleep now" when he calls you. So far, he has learned that you will "appear" when he calls. Replace that with the sound of your voice. Later, don't answer every time he calls, he will probably go back to sleep the times you don't answer. Soon he won't need either. You might also try some quiet sleepy music.

Are you *sure* your wife can't go back to sleep if woken up twice? I suspect there is a "fit" being thrown by mommy there... but I don't know her. In any case, she should be willing to not be upset at YOU during the transition period.

Another suggestion: buy (used) a rear carry/pack for you to carry him. Mine looks like a hiking backpack. My daughter (two years in July) loved it initially, but likes being independent now when we're outside. However, she likes it when she's tired and wants to be held (which I WON'T do excessively) so I go outside and garden with her on my back! It's good exercise if you are physically able to do it. And I am constantly talking to her when she's in there. It soothes her to listens to my voice and learns the names of things in the garden (or the sky, the ground, inside the neighbors house by peeking over the fence, whatever).

I agree with Calistoga Al and feel lucky your wife is communicating with you. You stated you realize women need to talk, share their day, communicate, to feel loved and make that "connection" with their mate. Men need sex for that same reason. It's how (most) humans are wired. Take care of her and you'll realize how (eventually) she will want you to be happy and cared for.

Another suggestion: Be OK with the fact your son likes to spend time with you more. Those things can CHANGE! I have three kids and each of them went through that. Infants are usually closer to mommy (but typically look like daddy) when born. As toddlers many will then attach to the "fun" parent. It will likely reverse (or even out) later when in grade school as they detach from parents and become more social as well as independent. As they age, both boys and girls develop different needs they can get from either parent, AKA "special bonds", but in different ways.

Your son "goes to mommy" for bedtime, just like my daughter does after spending all day with me. She can't run to mom fast enough some days. Other days, she won't go to mom or me at all. Everyone just needs to be OK when they act that way (as long as they aren't being disrespectful to parents). But it's also OK (and normal) for first time parents to be hurt by that; and you should share that in private with each other.

One of the best examples you can set for your son is being a good husband. Show affection (kisses) and care for your wife (fetching her things, massaging her feet, whatever) in front of him. Some day he will be a husband, too. But you also reap what you sow.