I live out in the country & have few visitors who don't call first, as my pets tend to roam, nap & play in the long drive way. If someone does come I have a Birdseye view long before they get here. One Sunday morn at 6am , my dog went nuts.I saw a man in my garden sneaking around hunched over & no car??
I went out to great him w/ the 5 lb dog & my cast iron pancake pan which happened to be in my hand.....her the poor guy was taking pictures of the plants !
I think he was more surprised than I & we had a nice conversation . I did mention to him to ask folks for permission before entering peoples properties as many in these parts have Doberman & such. But he has come back every year , parked across the street & taken picks after getting permission. He has given me some prints of my poppies that were lovely. Makes me feel proud some else likes my garden.

The fact that they come is something so I try to suffer their ignorance if they will suffer mine. I don't assume they have a passion for my plants so I try to be enthusiastic and hope they pick it up. BIG BUTT if I don't want to get into their passion I must assume they may not want to get into mine.

Yes, we all like the wow but they may not feel the wow we want. And, I can tell you there are things about my garden that do not deserve a wow.

Well, i have two garden comments,

#1.My elderly neighbor told me she thinks my garden is boring,to much green,not enough color,hates the flowers on hosta,she thinks i should cut them off, they look weedy.
So,ok,at first my feeling were hurt,but that is all ego, so i let it go,she can like what she likes and not like what she does not,just wish she would keep the negative comments to her self,i believe you can always find something nice to say,if nothing else,i like the mulch.ha ha
#2.I had a photographer come down and ask me if his daughter could come and pose in the garden and by the pond,she was getting a portfolio together for modeling,and, i have had several people say my garden should be in a mag.Made me feel really good.
Some good,some bad,i am happy being in the middle.
We do all work hard,but after all, we garden because we have a need to be with mother earth,even a weed is a flower of another sort.
But, i must admit,i love the compliments,makes all the work worth it all.
carol

A couple years ago a group met at my house for dinner, and after the meal asked for a tour. Mostly there were ooos and aahs at the hostas . . . except for one woman who said, incredously, "You LABEL your hostas? Don't you think that's a bit over the top???"

To each his own . . . but she's not likely to be invited back to my garden. It was an unnecessarily hurtful remark.

"but she's not likely to be invited back to my garden. It was an unnecessarily hurtful remark."

I'm more concerned about my behavior, and don't give "them" the power to hurt me in my garden. When "they" leave I ask "me" if I was gracious and attentive?

The comment that was almost worth the rotator cuff operation last year (from chopping tree roots with a spade) was when I was at the nursery two blocks away. I was talking to one of the women who work in 'perennials' and they know me and where I live. She said "I have to confess, we (the nursery gals) know where you live and we took a tour of your garden one day -- rang the bell and you weren't home, so we just walked around and took pictures" and added "if you ever decide to sell, please let this nursery know before you advertise." That, of course, was before we found out we lost $100k worth of equity. Ain't goin' nowhere fast. But that was the best compliment and ALMOST worth a sling for eight weeks. Almost.

Westy

"so we just walked around and took pictures"
westy

Thank you, this is what I enjoy, GOOD NEWS! Tell me what you like and believe in, I have enough doubts of my own. I don't care what one person with poor manners said. Every time I'm driving on the highway I experience egocentric behavior and poor manners, yet most people are courteous. Lets celebrate the large majority who are gracious visitors with good manners.

i guess the rule of thumb should be:

THERE IS ALWAYS ONE ....

one that irritates the bee-gee-bees out of you

and one that makes it all worth while ....

suffer the fools.. and have a little nursery bed.. or the shovel handy .... to give the good ones.. a piece of your garden to take home .... right dr dave ....

ken

Aww Ken you made my day!
I agree.

I'm having Pete and Jean Ruh over to see my garden tomorrow, so it should be interesting. They always have somthing interesting to say.

Dave

Yes, we all celerbrate the good things people say,we had a garden walk a couple of months ago, and i sent plants home with a lot of people,most every one sees the beauty of gardening,even if they are not gardeners,But,it IS Hurtful,And Mean Spirited,when peole make Unnessessery comments on the negitive side,it does not mean we give them power,it simply means we are human,and our feeling do get hurt after we put so much love into gardening,to have someone say something un kind.

Hostagrames:When your friend made the comment"a bit over the top,"i bet you were speechless for a short time,this person knew that was not a complement.Some people are just plain rude,thats all.

I love to look at all gardenes, i can always find something nice to say-always!And i can always learn something from others.
Carol

Victor Frankl a German Jewish Dr who found himself in Auschwitz. Bad place to be for a Jew! When the Jews got off of the train they were asked to open their mouths, if they had gold teeth they were yanked out with a pair of pliers, welcome to Auschwitz.

He quickly learned that he had no power to change his circumstances, they could burn, beat, freeze, shoot, starve and finally gas him. He decided that the only thing he had was how he felt and no one had the power to change how he felt unless he gave them that power. He could choose how he felt under any conditions.

If he could do that in Auschwitz I can do it in my garden, I do not give anyone the power to effect how I feel unless I choose to.

If you come to my garden I will feel good and regardless of what you say I will feel good when you leave.

From my Methodist tradition we subscribe to the "Methodist Quadrilateral" that ask us to bring our intellect to advise our feelings after a couple of other things.

"scripture, tradition, reason and experience"

Reason is the part I use to decide how I will feel, act and be in any situation. Do I do it perfectly, DUH, but I do bring my best effort to decide how I will feel.

Here is a link that might be useful: Wesleyan Quadrilateral

True, EO, but MY Methodist training also tells me that unkindness is never appropriate. The person who zinged me was actually a church "friend" . . . and Just1 is correct: She said it in a hurtful manner.

I can -- usually -- control how I act, but I'm not a robot . . . and my feelings CAN be hurt.

There is this old guy next door, he just bugs me, every time I'm out by the road he comes over to speard the sunshine, (his name is Dick by the way) I was putting in a new shade garden with ferns he asked what they where and I told him ferns, he looked at me like I was crazy made a rude noise then said FERNS! I mow them all down at my house, who in their right mind would plant them??

Then she showed me his new kitten he has like three or four cats that come take a dump in my garden and fight or howl driving my dogs and husband nuts right outside ore bedrrom window, but theres cats I don't really mind... I like all animals.

I had spent all day building up the new garden with rich compost and he also said, why I sure hope my kitty don't come over here and roll in that compost then try to sleep in my bed! That would not be good at all!

like I have no right to have compost in my yard....

"True, EO, but MY Methodist training also tells me that unkindness is never appropriate."
hostagrams

Nothing I said says it is appropriate, I'm talking about me and my behavior not them. I have no control over them, "they" will do and say many things, BIG BUTT I don't have to react poorly or even allow myself to "feel" anything about "their" inappropriate behavior.

I think we are caught up in what I call the "football/basketball" thinking of give 100%, give 110%! That can't be, never will or even should be an expectation. We, humans are performing at 60-70% if we are fairly sharp, which means 30-40% of the time we don't perform up to our best. Because we are less than perfect doesn't mean we have to give in and assume we can't help how we feel. BTW, I love football and basketball.

There is a brief moment when there is an action and we react, it is in that moment that we "can" decide how to react. With knowledge and effort we can widen this space to give us time to think.

I guard my good humor and will not give it away easily, so someone acts "inappropriately" does that mean I have to be upset. Maybe, BIG BUTT I just explained that I will not give up my good humor to their inappropriate behavior without a fight with myself.

Finally I'll bet that your "church friend" is behaving well at least 70% percent of the time, so forgive the 30% and celebrate the 70%. "and my feelings CAN be hurt", if only 30% of the time then you are doing well, celebrate your good fortune.

I'm not trying to sound superior in this, I'm describing my struggle to maintain a positive attitude, be understanding, forgiving and I too am human and don't even expect to be successful more than 70% of the time.

I believe the original question was what comments made you feel great about your own garden. Seeing as my house sits so close to the street I have no room for "curb appeal". Im surrounded by huge old lilac bushes so the back cant be seen. When ppl come into my backyard they many times comment on how its like a secret garden. The WOW is very nice but Id have to say watching the hummingbirds at the hosta flowers which I choose to keep is much more satisfying.

All my life I've gardened. As a kid my grandfather would visit and walk around with arms crossed, never saying a word until he came across a weed or some other blemish. He'd then point it out, which of course to an eleven year old was deflating. I'd be upset after he'd left, but my mom would tell me not to mind him, he was just jealous, because he worked hard in his garden and it didn't look nearly as beautiful as ours, which was true (mom always put everything into perspective), but it still stung.

Who ever said "sticks and stones will break your bones, but words will never hurt you", was an idiot. The other idiot was the person that said "time heals all wounds". It doesn't heal them, it only burys them under scars. I always remind myself that praise builds up, mean spirited criticism tears down.

I wish Grandpa were still alive to see what my gardens look like now. I've mellowed and the weeds don't put me in a tizzy anymore. The folks who visit feel like they're coming into a haven from the outside world. That's what it is, a refuge for the weary.

PIM

"It doesn't heal them, it only burys them under scars. I always remind myself that praise builds up, mean spirited criticism tears down."
PIM

My point is don't give anyone that power, your example fits my argument perfectly. You gave him the power to hurt you and it still hurts. I donÂt doubt the pain you feel but you gave him that power. Much harder for a child but FranklÂs lesson is from an evolved adult who rose above such things.

I can tell you it is very hard to wound me with words, the most likely thing you get in return is "why did you say, think or feel that?" Asking someone who has spoken some ill manners words causes them to defend their behavior, nothing more difficult than trying to explain our errors. BIG BUTT that is just tactics in a little battle.

PIM, IÂm saying that FranklÂs life is one of the most inspiring stories I ever heard and his lesson is one of the most liberating lessons I ever learned.

Thanks EO, you're absolutely right. I'll have to read more about Mr. Frankl, very inspiring. Did he mention anything about it being easier to maintain that attitude with people that are not that close to you? Don't you find that the closer someone is to you the easier it is to get hurt?

PIM

"Don't you find that the closer someone is to you the easier it is to get hurt?"
PIM

Absolutely, BIG BUTT they are the most important ones. Making and maintaining relationships with those who are close by blood, marriage, social, business, etc are simply the most important.

In everything I say I'm talking about less than perfection or as I like to think about it; in percentages knowing that regardless of my effort I will not reach 100%. If that is true then I'm going to forgive myself for how ever I fall short and do the best I can.

Lets take a simple example, a loved one lashes out at you with anger, etc. I suggest that you are at or in a dangerous time and how you feel and react may affect your relationship for years or even your life. The long term relationship is far, FAR more important than my short term "feelings" and any reaction I have.

Therefore, I step back as far as I can get and look for time to think looking for a way to keep that important relationship in tact. This time may be only a few moments but I go to that place and look for my faith, understanding, intellect, previous experience what ever I can bring to bear to make the relationship whole. I begin to prioritize what is "really" important as best as I can understand what is important.

The more one practices this the more efficient we get at doing an effective job. Ever since I read Frankl's story and how he handled that terrible place I've made the effort to act out of my faith, experience and intellect, etc to stay in the middle of the road.

One really good little rule; if we wait often that action we are troubled about will simply disappear, my wife lashes out at me, I wait boom, she says "I'm sorry I'm just worried about the grandchild, etc. It's over if I can just find the love, faith, appreciation of what a grand women my wife is and I forgive her. Since I didn't react she had time for the adrenalin to get out of her system and she could return to the wife I know she is, had I jumped up and responded we could be separated AND, AND I didn't learn what was really on her mind. Since I jumped to how I felt, stung by her words I never learned why and couldn't comfort her in that moment of need.

You can make a million examples like this or remember similar situations in your life, as it works out that was a real time for me with my wife this week.

Back to the beginning you will never get to the football coaches place of 100% unless of course you are perfect like me!

If you like IÂll tell you how I use Yoga Breathing to help me get to spot where I think I can act or react in a way IÂll be content with.

Thanks EO, haven't done special breathing, but I do exercise restraint (of course I'm breathing while I restrain myself).

You're right, understanding the underlying cause of someone's behavior is the key. I've found that "a kind word turns away wrath", totally deflates the situation, then one is able to delve into what is causing the erruption.

" . . except for one woman who said, incredously, "You LABEL your hostas? Don't you think that's a bit over the top???"

I just ask them how I am supposed to remember which one is called Captain Kirk when someone asks me for a piece without it being labelled? A Vulcan mind-meld?

Joel

LOL Joel. I agree with you. There are so many and I want to remember which is which. I didnt take all the time to pick just the right one and then forget its name. oh, and the comsumption of spotted cow doesnt help much either.

Good one Joel!

I think the nicest comment I got wasn't even a comment at all. I came home one day to see a card laying in my recliner on my front porch. Upon opening I found a lovely thank you card and a brief note signed by a couple of my neighbors. They were thanking me for my "time and commitment to my gardens and for beautifying not only my own yards but the neighborhood in general". Ok... It might sound a little sappy... but, I was deeply touched.

Alexis

Alexis,
That is the best!!! What nice neighbors to take the time to write a note. Thats rare nowadays, and very special, not sappy at all. And what a feeling it must be to know all your efforts are enjoyed by so many. KUDOS!

Thank you upnort, I appreciate that.

"They were thanking me for my "time and commitment to my gardens and for beautifying not only my own yards but the neighborhood in general". Ok... It might sound a little sappy... but, I was deeply touched."

Alexis

Covey points out that we spend too much time studying bad behavior and not enough studying good positive behavior. I don't think it is sappy, I like it!

Trading tales of silly comments trains our ears to listen for those types of comments, I usually donÂt even hear them. I want so bad to hear just one little compliment that IÂm listening for the WOW, guess I do embarrass myself when I jump up and down clapping my hands. IÂm never sure if I should say thank you 2 times or 3?

Has anyone ever seen a "Frazier" show when he and his brother get all snooty about wine, and assuming we never look like superior bores like that?

So, get sappy about my garden, it is ok with me!

EO said it all....well mostly all! LOL! You are responsible for your own happiness....don't allow anyone to make you unhappy.
What the person who said "you mean you label them? Isn't that over the top?" may have been thinking was "Gee....maybe I should be labeling my hosta?" Or "wow! This garden looks a lot better than mine."
I have a strong hunch that he didn't do it to make you mad, but rather to make himself feel better.
I am reminded of a friend who remarked to me at an annual christmas formal...I had a very nifty dress. Purple velvet, cut very low, full skirt...hard to ignore! And the "friend" said to me..."Well, I always did like that dress" LOL! Admittedly I did wear the dress the year before! LOL!
Keep in mind the feelings of the person making hurtful remarks.
Linda C

EO, thank you very much your comments are always appreciated. And, yes I did see that Frazier show. That show always makes me laugh. I would hate to think I ever acted that way and try not to be around people who do. I take too much joy in life and my gardens. My gardens give me such peace and joy that I truly appreciate when some one else seems to feel a smiggen of the same.

Personally, I wish I could keep it to 2 or 3 times. But if someone should say a kind word about my gardens my heart swells and I just gush with gratitude. Quite embarassing really. LOL

Alexis

"And, yes I did see that Frazier show. That show always makes me laugh. I would hate to think I ever acted that way and try not to be around people who do.'
alexis

The reason I laughed so hard at Frazier's superior behavior is because it is me more times than I want to admit, BIG BUTT these types of post teach others this behavior. I want to exercise myself of continuing this behavior and not participate in teaching it to others. We start looking for the types of comments that come from someone who doesn't share our passion so we can run to our "elite hostaholics friends" to report every faux pas. From my superior/self-righteous position in this I had to look up "faux pas" and had a terrible time because I couldn't even get close to the spelling to find it in a dictionary. I did have the good judgment to marry a bright woman!

I repeat;
"Tell me what you believe in, I have enough doubts of my own"!

Stop it, I see myself and don't like it.