She's certainly spoiled -- and odds are, she knows it. If Mom wouldn't put up with this crap, then it sounds like she was raised to know the difference between acting responsibly and not, and that she's just taking the easy way out because she can. Daddy lets her.

You say she thinks you don't like her? Does she seem to care at all about your opinion? Because if she does care, then you could tell her that you lose respect for her when she manipulates her father that way, and that's why it's hard for you to watch. If she cares, and if she knows better, that might help her change a bit. Then if you see any improvements, show her you're proud of her and see if it grows.

If she doesn't care about your opinion and values the 'stuff' she can get from Dad more (many spoiled teens would) -- then unless and until Dad shapes up, your relationship is doomed anyway.

So really, you haven't much to lose.

If my stepmom knew how to use a computer I would think you were her referring to my youngest sister! Only difference is she has been motherless since she was 5 (mom died). My dad has spoiled her since becuase of that...at 16 my stepmom began voicing her opinion. Now my sister is 17, dropped out of high school, and living with her boyfriend and working 2 full-time jobs at fast food restaurants. What a life she has now! Looks like you sd is doing a little better than her at least!

My dad is still a pushover and gives her money to help her pay her bills...and my sister is learning nothing! Sounds like your sd is going to be the same way as far as money is concerned. I don't think that you getting in the middle of it is going to do much good...hubby and sd will resent you. Maybe start limiting your dh's extravagant spending on your sd...put some money into another account? Start a vacation fund for you two? Talk to him about investing for your future? Anything to help limit his spending on her without bringing it up directly.

That may sound mean to some of the bm's on here...but I would suggest the same thing if it was your bio daughter that your dh was spoiling and leading you both to financial ruin with!

I just don't see any way you can win here.

The father/daughter relationship may be disfunctional & manipulative & messed up, but it's *their* relationship, & anything you say or do will be "interference" & you'll become more than an outsider-you'll be the enemy.

In a way, *you're* the "other woman" here.

As I said somewhere else around here, men are narcotics.

We get so hooked that all we can see is...him.

We can't even see ourselves.

If you were to cut yourself off from the drug, stay away from him for a month, no sex, no dates, no phone calls, no emails, you'd re-gain some valuable perspective & you'd then be able to ask & answer some key questions.

such as, *why* do you even want to spend time with a man who's so completely involved with "another woman"?

what would your life be like if you were to marry him?

Please be good to yourself & look out for yourself;

this guy isn't going to do it.

What is wrong with APPLEBEES? LOL,I'm just kidding.

The good thing is you havent married this man yet!
On one hand,I can see why your husband wants to give her everything.I would do anything I could to make my daughter happy,although I dont think I'd have gotten her the other car~I'd have said you get what I can afford,like it or lump it.It does seem like he is being too easily manipulated by his daughter and put on guilt trips to give her what she wants.
I'm wondering if you have talked to your husband about his behavior at all? Have you made it absolutely clear that while you want him to have a relationship with his daughter that he needs to spend more money/time with you?

I think sylviatexas has given some great advice here on this and insight.
P.s. Is it possible he is feeling guilty about the divorce and maybe not being there or something so he contiues to over indulge her?

Thanks for all the great advice. I guess my boyfriend is starting to realize that I'm stepping off to the side more and more because of the way he lets his daughter run the show.
On Tuesday, they both came to my house for dinner. While we were sitting at the dinner table, she kept getting text messages from her boyfriend, who is also 18. They attend the same community college and some of the same classes. Dad was getting annoyed and asked her to put the phone down while we are all sitting at the dinner table. In a "Hulloh" kind of way she told him she was getting info on one of her classes. They kept going back and forth until finally dad said that she was being disrespectful. How it got to this, I don't know, but she told him that he was the one that was disrepectful and jealous of her boyfriend. Her dad had this incredulous look in his eyes and asked why she would say something as ridiculous at that. She said he was always trying to stop them from seeing each other or talking to each other and how rude he was to her boyfriend because he told him to return the UGG boots that he had bought for her (which she still has and flaunts them off like no tomorrow and says to dad "Well, I told you I needed winter boots!").
At this point, I got up to refill our waters and he said in a voice that I've never heard from him that it's not jealousy that's coming from him...it's the fact that he doesn't want her to end up in the same predicament that she was in last summer. Then she gave him this nasty look and said "Over and done with. So don't even bring it up."
Last summer, she was a passenger in a car with a bunch of her girlfriends and they rear-ended another car and she broke her ankle. The doctor came out to us in the waiting room and spoke to her dad about the pending operation and the reason why his daughter could not be "put under". Dad pulled me aside and told me in disbelief that she was about 2 months pregnant and that he didn't know how to handle this. I told him to first call her mother so that they could discuss, which he did, and they all agreed to terminate. I (alone) ended up taking her to get the procedure done and took time off from work to help her with her recovery from that as well as her ankle.
But since then, they all have treated this like the pink elephant in the middle of the room, never speaking of it and going on as if nothing ever happended.
Which is why his daughter was surprised (as was I) that he brought it up at the dinner table. He told her that she can misread his comments and actions all she wants as disrespect and jealousy (as only a teenager would say something like that) but make no mistake that if she gets into this situation again, then she is on her own. That the reason that he is bringing it up is that she never learned from the experience and that it was partly his fault as he (and her mom) wanted to just move past it, but she never dealt with the consequences of her actions (other than going through with it...and even then while we were in the clinic she was chatting, texting, laughing and saying "can we just get this show on the road"). It's as if she could care less about what happened and is putting herself in precarious positions because she knows that he will be there to bail her out.
She did the "whatever" thing and told him to stop showing off in front of his girlfriend.
I said nothing, cleared the table, and told him that I didn't want to interfere and thought it best that they leave because I was upset. He looked beat down. She did however thank me for dinner and said to him "See, I thanked her but you didn't."

Wow.

I think you did the right thing by telling them (both) that you were upset & by asking them to leave.

The problem is between them, & he has to figure it out;

anything you do would be "interference", later if not sooner, so sit tight & see what happens.

this may be the wake-up call that this father needed.

I wish you the best.