visitation schedules

18 years ago

I will try to explain this as best as I can without getting too long!

We have a court order that gives BM EOW, EOH, plus 2 uninterrupted weeks in the summer and 2 phone calls per week. We live 6 hours from each other, but she gets this time plus additional time that we throw in here and there when there is extra time off of school. Because we have moved since the original order, we needed to change exchange times to allow for driving time, etc. To offset that, my husb. offered to give her 1/2 of Christmas break as well as some other days throughout the year (not in the order).

In addition, BM's SF died 2 years ago and my husb. called HER and asked if she would take SD with her to the funeral (a couple of states away... during the school year) because SD was very upset and wanted to be at her grandpa's funeral. BM was very happy to take her with, of course... and told us the funeral was that weekend (took her on a Wed.); after she had SD with her she called and told husb. that the funeral had been changed to Monday????? Husb. said, okay, but I really want SD back here by Wed, because she has already missed a lot of school. BM argued and argued and made a huge scene about the whole thing and said she would bring her back when "she felt like it!" Well, this, of course became a big issue, and in fact, my husb. finally told her he would have to get police involved if she was not returned... he even drove 1 state away (about 8 hours one-way) to meet them and pick her up!

Okay, back to the subject at hand. Because of issues we have with summer vacation and BM demanding more and more and with the need for exchange times to be different than the original order, exchange place different, etc... we have written up a revised order including all of those things and in fact adding an additional week in the summer because BM says that they NEED it to visit with her family who live about 14 hours away. Okay, that is a reasonable request.

Well, now that she has had the revised schedule for 30 days, and husb. is asking her to sign it... after 30 days of no communication whatsoever, she has now emailed him with very rude and obnoxious remarks about how he is demanding and controlling, throwing up the funeral mentioned above to show that he doesn't care about SD's feelings by "demanding" that she be returned at a specific time after the funeral (this was 2 years ago!) and how reasonable she was to allow SD (who lives with us) to go to MY father's funeral.... She is also saying how if my husb. doesn't give her 4 weeks of vacation in the summer that he doesn't care about SD's wishes and that he never thinks of SD's family... etc.

Okay, this is ridiculous! HE offered the additional week, plus extra time over Christmas break, longer weekend over Thanksgiving, longer weekend for Mother's Day, and many other "perks" or ADDITIONS to BM's schedule. Now, she is saying that it isn't enough! The thing is that SD is almost 14 and has a life of her own now too. Summers are very busy with 4H, county fair, shows, church camp, as well as volleyball starting back up 2-3 weeks before school starts. This doesn't leave much time for "extras" anyway. We can barely fit any family time in and BM is asking for more and more of the summer without any consideration for SD's schedules, yet accusing us of being the ones to not consider SD!

How should we handle this? My husb's fear is if we give in on these things (which this example even shows), then she just tries to take more and more without any consideration for SD in all of this, yet makes us out to be the bad guys all the time!

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Comments (3)

kathline
18 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
"The thing is that SD is almost 14 and has a life of her own now too"

So, honestly, and without pressure from you, how does your stepdaughter feel about spending more time with her mother? Her mother's comments make it seem that the mother is under the impression the girl wants some extra time there. Often children of divorce will tell mom one thing, and tell dad something else, because they dont want to go against either parents wishes ( because they love both parents) ITs a lot easier for your SD to tell her mom that " stepmom and dad wont let me come" rather than to say that she actually is the one who doesnt want to come. Conversely, its a lot easier for your stepdaughter to say to you and your husband " mom is insisting I come" than to say I want to be with my mom more. FIguring out what she really wants for herself is the hardest thing to do, but necessary in order to make good decisions for everyone. The ONLY way to do that is if real mom and dad, and daughter all talk together at the same time. Then nothing can be hidden, her true wishes will hae to come out.

Its also easier for us as parents or stepparents, to believe that the other parent is the one causing our child to act the way they do.

If it is a case where SD actually wishes she could see mom more, allowing it will help curb the desire to move out.

If stepdaughter doesnt want to because she is busy with things that she chooses to do instead of seeing mom, then that is perfectly appropriate to tell mom, or better yet, have a conference call between your husband, your SD, and mom, in which activities are discussed and your stepdaughter can articulate her wishes, with both parents present so there can be no misunderstandings or accusations of bias later.

If its a case where the daughter wants to visit mom, and its inconvenient for you and your husband and disrupts your family plans, well you will have to suck it up. 4 weeks in summer is not unreasonable, if your SD wants it,and at 14, you REALLY dont want to go against your SD's wishes.

The hardest part is figuring out what those wishes really are, and to what extent those wishes are being influenced by either parent.
wimom27
Original Author
18 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
I completely understand that 4 weeks in the summer is not an unreasonable request, but because of some of BM's behaviors and concerns of past issues with extended amounts of time with BM... the courts actually took her original 6 weeks of summer and cut it down to 2 weeks! We still have some of the same concerns, but feel that SD is getting older and can, to some extent, handle some of the issues better. That is one reason for not wanting to up that time in the summer too much again. We do not want a repeat of past history! We, honestly, are trying to think of SD's best interest in this and what is really best for her overall well-being.

Anyway, one of the things that my husb. has a problem with is that, for example, BM demanded (didn't actually ask... just started demanding and stating that he is unreasonable, etc.) the extra time; so, after talking it over with SD and asking her, she said that she would like an extra week so they could spend more time with the relatives... when asked how much time she thought would be fair... SD actually mentioned she thought another week would be good and that she really didn't think she needed to spend more at her mom's house because she was so busy in the summer (doing the things that she chooses to do and has asked to participate in). As it is, SD misses out on many, many activities and things that she would like to do to please BM.

So husb. offered the additional week and BM comes back now and says.. not good enough... NOW I want more! This has been an ongoing theme for 8+ years now (BM makes a demand... husb says okay... BM comes back and says not good enough, I want more)! So, I guess the question is where does it stop? When do you say, enough! If he keeps saying okay, whatever you say... then how far will it go?

As I have mentioned before, it is very hard to get a real feel for what SD really wants. She WILL NOT stand up to her BM and is afraid to say much to us (she was severely reprimanded when younger if she even told us she went to the park with her mom!). I think it is time to have a talk about it again.
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They can stay or go it doesn't matter to us .... we don't have xbox (hahaha) so they don't like weekends here ... xbox is not allowed here all they do is fight over it and since we didn't pay for i am not going to replace what they break... but anyway. Yes FD she lies to get what she wants ... stamps and cash etc. she will eventually get caught. The kids do not have a choice ... she "makes" them go takes them on a guilt I am your mother I have a right to see you ... "here's a 20 I am going out" " you don't love me is that why you don't want to come over" what I hope doesn't happen is they start enjoying their weekends here and she takes them back. No clue what will go on with SD ... will I pick up weekend shifts too lol who knows I know that sounds harsh but its self preservation mode ... it works for me ... i dont get wrapped up in the drama that is SD. As it is she comes here on Mon and thurs.... rules the house listens to no one .... and spends most of her time on the phone with her mother .. either texting or calling taking pictures to send to mom etc. when i get home at 11/12... she is still up watching tv i shut if off and go to bed.... she knows at this point don't turn it back and time for bed with out me saying a word but she has to make one more call to mom to say goodnight. ... not my phone ringing at midnight. Whats strange is the boys don't act like that here they have their chores .... they sit with us and watch tv we eat at the table there are no fights arguements beatings exception to normal is when SD its a very tense household waiting for her to pitch a fit about something .... last time was because we made smores in the backyard and she wasn't here. Going to enjoy the boys while they can be here on weekends .... like I said she will probably change her mind in a week .... (hubby said she must have somewhere to go this weekend and can't get a babysitterfor all 3)...
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fiveinall
18 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
I am surprised she has EOW since you are 6 hours away. That seems like an awful lot of driving for a kid 12 hours in one weekend.after you count the driving there really isnt much weekend left. We live 5 hours away from BM and do once per month...Your SD is older though than mine.....
At some point you really have to put your foot down with BM and talk openly w/you SD about her feelings and what she wants..best of luck

visitation schedules

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kathline

wimom27
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visitation schedules

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kathline

wimom27Original Author

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wimom27
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