I don't think it's unreasonable to worry that she'll try to screw you over too. I'd be pretty concerned about it if I were you!

Norcal, it's OK to feel a little weird about sharing your BF with kids who aren't yours. The important thing is to identify how you feel, and why, and keep an eye out that it's not growing into resentment.
About things like your makeup box, I think that, yes, you should be able to do some minor discipline. Along the lines of "clean up this mess" or "apologize to your sister" or even "No popcorn tonight because you wouldn't leave the poor cat alone". However, if you're doing a little of that sort of thing, you also should be doing a little of the high fives and praising and rewarding too. Every family is different though!

I admit that as a daughter of divorced parents (and never having been an SM nor an ex-wife) I'm a little new to knowing all the ins & outs of the likely financial issues/conflicts in these situations. But I have a question: how could his ex-wife screw YOU out of financial stability and happiness, whether you marry this man or not? As far as I've ever heard or known about these things, I don't think there's any way she could ever go after YOU personally for child support or garnish YOUR wages or anything like that. I suppose, worst case scenario, she can do all that to HIM, but not to you, whether you're married or not. I realize that if you & he pool resources and share money, this could indirectly affect you; but your statement was specifically "will she also find a way to screw ME...?"
I guess my only advice would be that if you're that worried about it, keep your finances at least somewhat separate (maybe "yours", "mine" and "ours" accounts?) and keep your job/career going, at least part-time, to keep your own security & options open.

She sounds like a real prize...
But I'm a firm believer in cosmic justice, so if she is, someday she'll get hers.

Of course, before then, if you stick around, she'll probably try to get yours too -- that's how vindictive users operate. While she won't be able to get your money, she'll probably be able to convince the kids they hate you (if she wants to).

What amazes me is how many GFs/SMs accept what their BF tells them, or shows them ("intercepted emails"?? - by whom v. doctored emails). Or maybe they want to accept?

Serenity - I would definitely consult with an attorney before a wedding - I have questions about child support and whether my income could be used as a basis for BM to ask for a recalculation, about wills and trusts to protect the girls and myself from financial confusion in case something happens to their father, etc. But although we are all smart people and try to protect ourselves and the financial security of our families, I have done enough living and enough reading to know that the so-called "second wife" feels the impact of her husband's financial (and rightfully so) obligation to his so-called "first family". For example, BM may be able to afford to not work, while I perhaps would not have the option of being a SAHM should we choose to have kids together. On top of all that, the fact that BM lives so far away and the financial strain now for BF of the visitation situation (see previous posts) does affect me, and us as a couple and as a household. I suppose if she were so inclined she could make things more difficult, we all know how and I won't go into much speculation about it. These are all things that I am considering and weighing in my situation. So far she seems inclined to include me and be nice - sending me messages on Facebook, an occasional text to say hello, the girls say hi, etc. She knows I care about those girls and that I have always gone above and beyond for them. But I know some of the things she has done in the past and I know what she is capable of. She did not do any of those things for the good of her daughters - she did them for herself and her own selfishness. I could say a lot more about this but maybe sometime on another thread.

KKNY brings up a good point that the e-mails could be doctored. I highly doubt it, as they e-mails are how BF found out about her affair with TOM. They span a certain time period and were to TOM and a couple of her friends, were printed by BF during the dates preceding the separation and he used them to confront her in front of her parents. She used that to make a case against him that he was "paranoid" but later apologized in writing for all of those things - the plotting to leave instead of just telling him, the nastiness.

In any case, I am not the type of person to believe the worst about someone or to jump on the bandwagon of hating someone because someone I know hates them. I actually haven't looked through all that paperwork because I don't want to believe that she did all that. I've been looking for the good from the beginning, probably almost to my own detriment because I keep forgetting over and over how she really is. I want to like her and to get along, and BF has to deal with his bitterness at the past. I think he is mostly over it, but whenever she pulls a new stunt and he knows he has to deal with her on an ongoing basis due to the shared custody, it's hard for him. Too many GFs/SMs probably do want to believe that their new partner is perfect and overlook anything he may have done to contribute to the demise of the former marriage. It's easier for some people to believe the BM is a witch and the BF is a saint. But it's not true - all you can look at is someone's actions and when someone has consistently sacrificed, taken the high road and worked hard that says something. When someone has consistently lied, run away, and been selfish and nasty that says something too.

"But although we are all smart people and try to protect ourselves and the financial security of our families, I have done enough living and enough reading to know that the so-called "second wife" feels the impact of her husband's financial (and rightfully so) obligation to his so-called "first family". For example, BM may be able to afford to not work, while I perhaps would not have the option of being a SAHM should we choose to have kids together. On top of all that, the fact that BM lives so far away and the financial strain now for BF of the visitation situation (see previous posts) does affect me, and us as a couple and as a household."

But all of the above things wouldn't be the ex-wife "screwing you", it would just be circumstances related to the fact that FDH has certain financial obligations to his children. Which he would have whether he was married to you, not married to you, married to his ex-wife or not married to his ex-wife. Likewise the fact that you may not be able to afford to be a SAHM if you have children would be the case whether or not ex-wife was in the picture, because your personal financial ability to do that would be what it is independently of what ex-wife's is, and FDH's daughters would still exist. Yes, visitation expenses can add up, but again, this is related to circumstance (the bio-parents living far away from each other is a fact, equally their decision)...and you haven't even yet mentioned the cost of doctor bills, clothing, college or weddings for his DD's and any additional children you're thinking about having.

Agreed that you should definitely meet with an attorney and know what all you're getting into before you marry. Agreed there are some people in this world who will look for anything to try and squeeze money out of whoever they can, and that the potential exists that this ex-wife might be one of these people. Not sure at this point *exactly how* she could do that to YOU personally, but you are definitely smart to go over all possibilities and prepare for them in advance of the wedding. Regardless of this woman's potential to try & put the squeeze on anyone, it is a fact that you would be marrying into a situation that will cost FDH a lot of money (due to his being a parent of two children)... a lot of money that, obviously, at times will take away from his ability to support you financially. And this is nobody's fault, but simply the facts of his life. Decisions between you and he as to where to live, how many additional children to have and whether or not you can be a SAHM (or for how long) will have to be made based on what you and FDH can afford. I would bear that in mind first, BEFORE even worrying about what ex-wife MAY try and pull on YOU, especially since she's not likely to be able to. But you are not wrong to be prepared and informed about what recourse she MAY have. Nor are you wrong to take steps, based on that information, to protect your own financial security.

Just make sure that you remember to keep separate in your mind what is FDH's pre-existing, inherent financial obligation and expense related to being the father of two daughters... and what is ex-wife "screwing you" out of anything. (To be fair, ex-wife needs to remember the same thing.) Otherwise there is potential for real conflict, resentment and overstepping bounds, on both sides.

BF's X improved her finamces after divorce greatly.

as about cheating, leaving etc people don't seem to be emabrassed to tell anyone anymore. we are no fault state so it made no difference in terms of finances and kids were not minors anymore, younger was still in high school though. BF's X didn';t make a secret that she had affairs and left for TOM, in fact she moved in with him right away (after she completely emtied family home though ha). no need to have emails intercepted, nobody has any shame anymore.

Can someone answer this for me? I thought that it was generally the law in CS situations that when the CP remarries, the NCP either stops or re-negotiates the CS. Maybe I am totally wrong, and maybe it depends on the terms of the CS agreement (and, of course, the lawyer one is able to afford)... I really don't know.

Norcalgirl, you mentioned that the ex-wife is now re-married, so this is why I ask. Because THIS would seem to be the solution, the thing to ask the lawyer about in terms of your options.

I mean, it doesn't take away your FDH's financial responsibilities in co-parenting his daughters (financial issues you will have to deal with regardless)... but at least he can provide for them more on HIS terms as opposed to having his wages garnished and ex-wife (possibly) spending the DD's money on her self/house.

Serenity,

Alimony (or nowadays maintenace) stops with remarriage; child support does not. The only reason CS would change with CP remarriage is in some states the expense formulaes take into the rent sharing. But not all states. And this is generally not a big factor in CS.

What goes on in another household will not affect what happens in yours. Of course, your boyfriend will have less for your household and children because he has other obligations---but this is not a secret.

I've lived a long time, and this I know. No matter how much you have, there are people who have more. If you compare yourself to others, you will always come up short. She apparently lived well before you knew about her, why does the knowledge she lives well now make you dissatisfied. She's just another rich person, why does it bother you that she is rich more than it bothers you that her neighbors are rich? Because you think she doesn't deserve it? I'm not expressing myself well. It boils down to, her financial comfort just does not matter.

And you have no idea what those $100 plates cost her (if anything).

If you are feeling that she has all this because she 'stole' it from your boyfriend, please have a long talk with a divorce lawyer. Child support is set by Federal law in all states by formula. The same numbers going into the formula produce the same child support payment for everyone in the state. Your boyfriend is not more burdened by child support than any other NCP in CA with two children, his same income and her same income. She is not living a lavish lifestyle because of your boyfriend's child support, she is living a lavish lifestyle because she married a rich man. If you want to have a similar lifestyle, you need either to marry a rich man or earn it yourself.

Whatever you may believe, child support is designed to equalize the income of both parents. It's not perfect, but more or less works. The new husband's income will not affect child support (until college that is), just as your income will not. She won't get more support because you marry and bring more money into your husband's life. However, if you have a baby, she will probably get less.

Your stepdaughter's lifestyle is being subsidized by their stepfather. This is nice for them. Please don't feel intimidated or competitive. If you live in luxury and live very well, in a short time you don't really notice it. A Bentley after a while feels not much different than a Toyota. It just becomes 'the car'.

Rich people are not more unhappy than poor people as a rule of thumb, but wealth does not buy individual happiness. She has the same struggles with life as anyone else; leave her to them and concentrate on building your own niche in the world.

I lied a bit when I said what happens in her house won't affect what happens in yours. That doesn't hold true for the girls, they will be a conduit from her household to yours. But no more so than any other divorced family. There are well established ways to manage any problem she may cause.

And it's possible she won't cause any. She's got what she wants. It doesn't seem like she's trying (or if she's trying, succeeding) in hampering the girls' relationship with either their father or you. She appeared willing to accept you in her girls' other life. It might be too much to ask that she's enthusiastic about your presence, but she seems okay with it, if a bit condescending. You can live with that.

She's only going to be as big of a presence in her life as you let her be. You can't obliterate her, but even if she's awful, she can be containd and minimized. There will be no problem you have with her, that thousands of other people haven't had with the ex. You'll learn how to handle the problems if any, effectively.

Your boyfriend OF COURSE gave you a prejudicial view of why he and his wife divorced. Every divorced person does. It no longer matters. Had he made her happy she wouldn't have left. He did contribute to their marital problems. And divorce is called crazy times for a reason--people behave badly and irrationally. It brings out peoples' worst. That was then, this now. That's over with.

However, you do need to keep your eyes open to the reality of who he is and what his faults are and what his strengths and weaknesses as a partner. You'd have to do that if he hadn't been single. You are responsible for picking a good partner for you. She has nothing to do with that.

It's nice the girls enjoyed you. Slip into their lives slowly. They seem receptive. You don't have to decide how you feel about anything right now. Let it work itself out. Let these relationships unfold. You have time.

A lot of parenting is not right or wrong, it's just personal preference. Some families don't have everyone piled in bed in the morning, some do. Some make parental bedrooms offlimits. Some have strict rules about personal items (like touching your make up without asking first), some don't care. Be true to yourself and honest with your partner and patient with the girls and take it slowly, and it should work out.

Good luck to you.

Magicgran,

Thanks so much for your post. I have read it many times.

I have never been the competitive type or obsessed with having more than the next person. I have been working hard and know what I want, and I am going to achieve my financial goals on my own. I have a high-paying career ladder job and pay thousands of dollars of my own bills per month with no problem. It always sucks to see people take advantage of others as a shortcut to get what they have, especially when it's something you wish you could have. But, you're right.

I think most of my hurt and anger was knowing that she is "getting away with it" - the affair, garnishing his wages before the CS payments even started, badmouthing him to everyone they knew (including the kids!), and now she has the girls 11 months of the year when his time adds up to a month or so. Seeing him standing there in her fancy house in his old clothes just made my heart hurt. His older daughter was rude when we were leaving saying something like a week with us in our apartment had been too long, "no offense". I asked her gently how she thought that made her dad feel and she hung her head and said, "Bad." Later that night BM called his cell because the girls were teary and already missing their dad, and he said before BM hung up she started crying too! (??) It seems like to some people the grass is always greener or they're never happy no matter what they do.

I know there are always two sides to every story...at least two actually. But I am always happy to be reminded.

I never thought I would date someone who had been married before, and who had a family. The whole idea of confrontations, ex drama, tough questions from kids etc. just makes me feel sick to my stomach and makes me want to run away! I am still learning how I feel about all this and just trying to do my best, so I thank you for all the encouragement, it means a lot.

Norcal, I understand the 'getting away with it' anger all too well. This has always been one of by hardest issues to overcome in being a step mom. I look at all the trips BM takes, clothes and shoes she buys, things she wouldn't do for SD, meanness and rudeness she exhibits . . . it would eat me up that everything was so peachy for herwhen she 'didn't play fair.' Not too long ago though, when her new marriage started having problems, I looked at her life not by what she wore, where she went or what she 'got away with', but by how 'satisfying' her life may be. Once I looked past the facade I saw how shallow her life was, and the fact that shetook vacations but fought with her husband the whole time suddenly didn't upset me much.

Look to yourself to find reasons for happiness that mean more than a big house and dishes. It takes a while, but it is well worth it. True happiness isn't measured by material posessions.

//...His older daughter was rude when we were leaving saying something like a week with us in our apartment had been too long, "no offense". I asked her gently how she thought that made her dad feel and she hung her head and said, "Bad." Later that night BM called his cell because the girls were teary and already missing their dad, and he said before BM hung up she started crying too! (??) It seems like to some people the grass is always greener or they're never happy no matter what they do...//

That might not be the case. Transitions between parents and household are hard for kids. Conflicting loyalties and loss come into sharp focus at that time. Kids are very sensitive to the underlying feelings and dynamics of their divorced parents' relationship. And usually they can't articulate a bit of it.

Mumbling, "A week was too long", is probably her way of reassuring her mother that she missed her and that she didn't have so much fun at dad's that mom need worry that she won't be happy at home. And maybe even telling her mother in a round about way that you aren't competition against mom. Competing loyalties.

Also it's probably hurtful and saddening that she's leaving her dad and won't be seeing him for a while. So to get her through the door she focuses on all the bad things about being at his house and tries to convince herself that she's glad to leave him. It's the fuel she needs to let go.

Try not to take that sort of thing personally. The truth came out later when they got teary for missing him. They were home and the transition was safely made and they could handle the sadness.

FWIW, I think it's wonderful that the bio-mom was willing to tell your husband that the girls were sad. It sounds like she's willing to support the girls' relationship with him and you. A lot of bio-parents would rather have a leg cut off than to admit to themselves (much less the other parent) that the kids' miss the absent parent.

I don't think the bio-mom's tears were all that weird either. Moms don't like to see their kids sad, and her girls were sad. It probably just hit her, a wave of empathy, about how sad this is for them and how hard (even if it was mostly because of her actions and decisions).

From the little I know of your situation, I would say it seems like you guys have a good chance of success.

Thanks forms for your input, I appreciate it. I was about 7 when my parents divorced and I remember doing this sort of thing too. When the older daughter made the comment (twice) her mom was not even there; it was actually when we were still in our (rental) car and had pulled into the neighborhood. I think it was more her simple excitement of being back home and being about to see her mom, and my sensitivity to seeing the nice, new neighborhood and fancy house that made me feel like our place had been "a drag" despite my better judgment. BF is very, very sensitive as a person too so I cringed when I heard it. He is sensitive in general and also specifically to what BM did and he doesn't want them to become overly materialistic etc. (there are already signs of this but that's another topic).

I think we have a chance...how many GFs on here get a housewarming present from BM, send a formal thank you card and then get a fairy gift on Facebook? =-) No matter what her motives, when someone gives you a gift, shows you hospitality or is otherwise polite the only proper response is to reciprocate.