I would go about your regular business if they show up, and when they are in the way I'd say, "oh, excuse me ss, but I need to get this vacuuming done, so you may want to go outside for a while if the noise bothers you". If you and hubby have plans to go out, you go without him. Unless you want ss to run your calender for you, you have to make stand for yourself, and if hubby complains, just let him know that you are unwilling to have your plans derailed every weekend, and if he is unwilling to set & enforce boundaries with his son, he will have to get used to spending time with his son, while you are out doing what you please. If hubby complains that doing housework with ss present is rude, simply say, "well, I have planned for housework to be done now, and xyz to be done later, however, you can do the housework later if you prefer, while I xyz". Stand your ground!

It does sound like SS considers himself 'family' and not 'guest', so the advice to do your own thing makes sense to me.

So if you need a break, 'doing your own thing' could reasonably include making 'couple' plans for you and Hubby to go somewhere, do something or have dinner out -- just tell Hubby in advance. OR, for you to cook "liver & onions" for dinner (Oh, the Grandkids don't like that?) or a portion-controlled item (like steaks) that can't easily be stretched into dinner for five out of dinner for two. NOT every weekend, but sometimes certainly.

As to staying that late -- What about his kids? That's kind of late for young children to be up, even on weekends. Maybe that could be a way to end the visits at a more reasonable hour?

But really, I'd assume that SS just wants regular contact with Dad for himself and his kids - and that's a good thing. None of us know how much time we have left with our parents, so weekly 'family nights' seem like such a nice idea. We had them with my grandparents when I was a child, and they're a cherished memory -- one that I repeated in my own home when my mother moved to our city.

just keep doing your own stuff. clearly SS feels at home. every weekend is not that bad. my parents would love grandkids every weekend.

I agree that SS considers himself 'family' and not 'guest' because he IS family. The family that OP has married into and is now a part of, and she is presumably (hopefully) aware of this fact. Not that family doesn't have to be considerate, preferably give advance notice or occasionally get told 'no' for some things, but it's an overall different way of looking at things like the situation OP is talking about.

Is SS coming over more than the one night per week? If it's most of the whole weekend I agree that it's not necessary that it be so much. But if it's one night per week, I think that's pretty normal and healthy, especially when there are young grand-kids involved. Of course DH doesn't want to miss out on that grand-kid action, and let's face it, OP, you wouldn't either if they were your bio-GK's. So try to think of them that way. (Again, they ARE in fact family because that's part of what it means and entails when you marry somebody.) I also agree with Sweeby that a "family night" is a good idea, to establish a regular night like Sunday night that can be planned on in advance and all parties know to stick to it. This way it removes the unpredictability factor, and also if something 'comes up' like tickets to a concert and OP & DH want to have their personal "date night", then it's more natural and easy to say "Let's either skip or reschedule Family Night this week b/c we have concert tickets for Sunday." If that happens no more than once a month, SS will surely understand that. Or if every once in a blue moon OP or DH is too sick and not up to Family Night that week, it can be graciously skipped on those occasions. The key is "every once in a blue moon" it can be skipped. If you start bailing out of Family Night on a more frequent basis SS and grand-kids will obviously be hurt by that. OP, you can also plan on removing yourself from the equation if you're just not up to the visit. You can either do something outside the house or just hang out in a different room catching up on missed tv episodes from the week or phone calls to family & friends or a hobby or your weekly beauty ritual or just whatever. If Family Night is a set day each week, it might be easier to plan on that being your time to do your regularly-scheduled [fill in the blank] thing than it would be if they show up more erratically.

Did he leave his wife and needs someplace to hang out with the kids every sunday?

Psuedo, I'm guessing SS's wife not coming is its own separate issue (or non-issue). OP wrote: "He comes every weekend with the kids (their mother stays home or is at work)".

Maybe he just doesn't know what to do with the kids when he has them on his own (the mother is working or asked for some time to herself at home), so he goes "home" to Dad's house?

Sue, thats what I suspect, but many grandparents are happy to help out. My X MIL was -- she was thrilled to see granchild and hppay to help me out -- she said drop child off, get your hair done, take a nap, etc. She and XFIL were happy I was working and wanted to help.

Thank you so very much for all your suggestions. I would like to point out a few things in order to make things a little more clear. But first, I would like to ask what OPÂ means? (Sorry, IÂm not on forums much.)

SS girlfriend (they have been together for 5-6 years but not married yet) usually is working or just stays home and enjoys the quiet time when they come down. I do not mind this part as I really do understand.

I believe with all my heart SS motive is to spend time with me and his dad for continual contact and bonding. Truly, itÂs not that I mind that AT ALL! My son and my SS are the same age. Both boys have been through a lot of hurt growing up from our previous marriages. My husband & I have both tried very hard to bring healing to our boys (he has two) and make them feel loved and wanted, which is why SS does feel at home and comfortable. I really am glad that he does feel at home and welcome. I really do want him to. He even has started calling me mom lately, although I am very open about step-family issues and have NEVER EVER tried to replace his mother.

A couple of years ago, before we moved to our current home, my SS would put my husband on a guilt trip if he didnÂt get his way about coming when he wanted without respect to our plans. He has never been considerate of our life or plans, which is one thing that really angers me a lot.

We have been living somewhat primitive for about a year and a half now since buying our current property. We are trying to get on our feet financially. We bought 5 acres of property with the last penny we had. We had to temporarily move into an old house on the property (that had no indoor plumbing).

When we first bought it, my SS was dropping off the kids for us to babysit EVERY weekend. ItÂs as thought he tries to make us feel obligated. My husband tried to help but finally had to tell him that we just couldnÂt do it every weekend due to trying to get ourselves situated. He got mad and didnÂt talk to us for awhile, even though my husband was very nice about it.

We have since been able to put a little singlewide mobile home on the property (10 x 52). It is VERY small. My computer, paperwork and all that type of stuff is in the living room for lack of anywhere else to put it. The doors inside the trailer do not lock because they are sliding doors. (I had thought about trying to put my important stuff in one room and lock it somehow.) The children are only 1 ½ years old and 5 years old. SS doesnÂt really watch them real good. I wonÂt go into all the details of what they get into since everything is easy to reach and they are little after all. But, I do resent the fact that they are not kept out of important things and from tearing up things. (We have recently had our well drilled and expecting our trailer to be moved next Friday. So, we are making progress.)

Another example is: one Saturday night, he didnÂt leave until 11 p.m. I got up at 5 the next morning to go to work. I knew he was planning to come back the next day because I was making him a resumeÂ. I was on the phone with him at work (about his resumeÂ) and mentioned to him that I was going to have to take a nap when I get home because I was SO tired. I thought he would take the hint to not come until later in the evening. When I got home, he was already there. He was under his car, changing the oil. My husband was outside too, and the kids were in the house demolishing everythingÂincluding breaking the phone. I was so tired and angry. This is why I feel invaded but donÂt know really how to approach it since I really do love my SS and step-grandkids.

As for me, I do not want to babysit every weekend. Once a month is fine for me and if my husband wants to spend more time, I think he should go visit them at their home.

Thanks for listening and please forgive me for such a long post.

OP: original poster, whoever starts the thread.

I agree every weekend is way too often. every other one maybe. and 11PM is rather late. it does sound too much. maybe it is time for dad to ahve a talk with his son...

Besides being a huge abuse of your private property, don't these men get it that leaving children that young alone in the house is very dangerous?

Your husband should most definitely go visit at their house more often. It seems to me they are using the comforts of your home, so that mom can get some time off, while you get none. And dad and son are busy doing their own thing at your expense.

You sound like an excellent parent who is being taken advantage of.

"It seems to me they are using the comforts of your home, so that mom can get some time off, while you get none. And dad and son are busy doing their own thing at your expense."

BINGO. I wouldn't have a problem with the son and GKids coming over if the Son was supervising his own children but when your entire night is spent chasing after and cleaning up after young children till late while your husband and his son chill out and wifey is at home with her heels kicked up...well, that's just bull-skeet.

It isn't about "being family" at that point. It's about you being the sucker. I would go about my household business and if the kids start destroying the house, diving off of furniture, finger painting boogers on the TV screen or whatever I would nicely tell the father "Hey, could you please not let them do that? I'm trying to clean the house but the kids are wrecking it as fast as I can straighten it...thanks." Ten bucks says if he has to start supervising them they will either not visit as much or the mom will start coming as well.

I'm all for family visiting but I wouldn't play babysitter every single weekend either not even with my bio grandkids. I would tell my blood child "Hey you need to be watching your kid" so I wouldn't hesitate to say the same thing to a step child.

I just read the post about the kids being left alone in the house! I would of been livid. I would of sent them outside and said very bluntly "If you guys are out here the kids need to be as well. The house is demolished and the phone is broken. Don't leave them in here unsupervised...they could get hurt!" and shut the door. I would of been severly pissed off and I would of made it severly clear to the men folk how pissed off I was.

P.S. Sonny would be replacing my phone.

My SS isn't the greatest at supervising even when he's in the house!

I have been livid but not known how to really approach it since I have seen healing between SS and his dad. I don't want to wrongly deal with it, cause hurt and ruin something that has taken so long to heal. Also, husband is no help in figuring out how to put down the boundaries.

I am feeling more and more that we (hubby & I) are going to have to decide how much is enough time to have bonding time and when. SS drives nearly 40 miles one way to be with his dad. I don't see my husband making the effort to drive there as I had tried to make that a solution a long time ago. He is always busy. (Bad excuse. I know.)

Then, I'm sure I will be the one to lovingly approach SS and try to explain and work out something. Hubby isn't confrontational. (I'm not either, but I'm better at it than he is.)

Thanks everyone for all your great input and understanding. I plan to come back to the board more now! :)

Scootie~