Mom2emall,

Of course child can spend time with Dad and SM (absent unusual situation). But Dad has to take lead. If Dad has visitation, but will be working most of time, then situation has to be revisited. There is no point with visitation with SM by herself. There should be one on one time, but it doesnt have to be all. Of course if Dad only has EOW, then the one on one time may be that a hefty % of Dads time. Hard to say, each situation different. And I see conflict here. If mom says she doesnt want SM picking up/dropping off child, it may be that she thinks if Dad doesnt have time for the child, no point in visitation. SM may regard that as controlling.

I agree with you Martha -- So I've encouraged a close and loving relationship between my son and his StepMom, and he's benefitted enormously from her love and support. In addition to food, shelter and chauffer service, she's made him feel welcome, appreciated, loved and enjoyed. He only complained about her once to me (for something petty), and I quickly set him straight that he had things "pretty darn good!" and shouldn't complain about his stepmother to me because things could be much, much worse. For anyone who's wondering, my relationship with my son is very close, and his StepMom has in no way replaced me or diminished my son's love for me.

sweeby- that is a wonderful situation and there are so many like you. My neighbor is divorced and shares custody with her husband. Both have since remarried to people with other children. On mornings that Dad has the children he drops off his children and his stepchildren at his exwife's house who walks them all to school.

So I keep asking myself regarding DH's ex. Why's it gotta be so hard!

Newgardenelf,

Obviously the situation between you and your DHs ex has a lot of animosity. Your postings re trying to ensure your sons' future fiancees pick out ugly dress for her (fyi, my understanding is that bride can pick color, lenght etc, and that is it), your comments re punishments, even if qualified with, I woudl do the same for my kids, seem to me to show delight. Did you also say "we"went to court ?

I dont see a cordial, or even civil, relationship.

People are people - some have inclusive personalities and are open to accepting new people into their lives and some have exclusive personalities which tend to feel threatened by new people and changes.

Sounds like you were unlucky and got one of the BMs who tend to be exclusive. In this case, check out the post about the new books. The Step Wives book that somebody recommended might give you some insight on how to approach the BM in your life.
Also sounds like your neighbor was very lucky and that all the adults are working together for the good of their children - bio and step.

Your postings re trying to ensure your sons' future fiancees pick out ugly dress for her (fyi, my understanding is that bride can pick color, lenght etc, and that is it),
Obviously I was joking- if you followed that thread I think you would would see that I was trying to be lighthearted with the original poster....

your comments re punishments, even if qualified with, I woudl do the same for my kids, seem to me to show delight.

That is not showing delight at all- that is a frustrated parent taking someones advice and the truth is I would do the same with any of the kids now that we have established that it works..Perfect example of a BM reading something as being biased against a stepchild just because they assume that is how all SMs think! You'll remember from my other post that DD received a house punishment for something she did not do- I didn't agree but I let it stand because to do otherwise would be seen as unfair but SSs. I don't take delight in any punishment but I do take delight in correcting behavior that enhances the overall happiness of our household.

Did you also say "we"went to court ? "We" have been to court several times- I was called by DH's attorney to testify in custody case. I also went to court on a protection order because when she found out we were to marry she threatened me- she called my work, my neighbors, my house 27 times one day.

Listen kkny- I sympathize with your situation- it sounds vastly different than my own---I am talking about a woman who was having an affair for six months before she left her husband and sons for weeks without telling anyone where she was, finally came back to file for full custody which she did not get, moved three times without telling DH, changed schools and listed her new boyfriend as their father, alientates everyone in their life including friends who are the children of people we happen to be friends with, gradparents, aunts and uncles. Recently she told the school she was moving out of state with the boys and her husband has already moved out of state- the boys were threatened NOT to tell us. The only reason we found out was because a teacher approached our daughter and asked if she was moving too. One of her friends actually called us to tell us that she was planning on just taking them and fighting it out in the new state and her friend was worried what that might do to the boys. She has been found guility of contempt twice and court ordered to do things a certain way which she contines to ignore...Nothing the boys own is allowed to come to our house even things that we bought them and allow them to bring where they will, she constantly throws out clothes we buy because she doesn't like them, the list goes on and on....

I dont see a cordial, or even civil, relationship.
You are right- you don't and I am not the one to blame for it- not even a little. I have been through personal counseling, family counseling, marital counseling trying to find anyway to connect to this mom. I have read countless books, tried being really sympathitic with her, ignoring her, but never once have I spoken badly about her to the boys or to her in person. Even her own sons say- "We're sorry our mom is so mean to you."

You want to know the test of a good parent.....when we have the kids- we encourage them to go hug their mom, talk to her, etc. My own children initially used to HUG her when they saw her ( and still do hug her husband). When she has the boys and we attend a group event- they are not allowed to leave her side- they don't even acknowledge their own father. Guess what the outcome has been- several parents from the school volunteerily spoke to our GAL to detail her behavior as she has filed for full custody for a third time after being denied twice. Why does DH tolerate it- he knows his boys love their mom and he doesn't want to prohibit their relationshp while they are young and he knows they alone will make the decision when they are older. When kids grow up the bitter, angry, victimized mom thing gets a little old...... the fact that you are so ready to JUMP on anything a SM says even the ones just reaching out for support which is what I am trying to do just reaffirms what so many of these SMs belive- you are difficult for NO reason. I don't know you- I haven't hurt you and you don't know me...I'm trying to be a fantastic parent BM and SM- and yes I know the difference and my boundaries.

As adults the children decide who they choose to spend time with and I know MANY adults who choose the Dad and SM because the BM couldn't get beyond the divorce and remarriage. I will be true to myself and the best BM/SM I can be so they have a wonderful childhood and I have a relationship with all four of them as adults.

The child should have a lot of one-on-one time with the father. The father should be doing all the caregiving, including reading bedtime stories, getting the kids dressed if they are young, helping with homework, etc., and all the disciplining. In the case of EOW visitation, if the father is going to be gone more than about an hour a day, visitation should be rescheduled for a time when he is going to be available.

justnotmartha- I wrote it in another post but I'll expand the thought.........in my case as you read BM left DH... she remained close to SIL for a while and told her she didn't hate me-she hated DH with me because after we met he changed jobs so he could spend more time with kids, we took family trips together, he became nicer, and she couldn't figure out why he hadn't been like that with her. She sad she would never have left him if he had been more like he is now.

She thought that I must be "fake" nice. She didn't like that I tried to be nice to her and her friends at parties. She didn't like that I would share the same last name as her sons and she would not. She didn't like how involved I became in the children's school (my kids transferred to their school after we married- I'm type A- I can't help it).

The killer- she HATES that her husband and I get along so well. DH, XW's husband, and I stand around and chat at games and she can't get over herself to come talk.

MIL and I also have a lot in common and instead of the kids seeing her just on holidays because EW didn't like her- we get together at least once a month which she hates.

All in all DH and I are a better match and that's no one's fault it just is and because he is happy he is a better father and husband. I'm sure she is a better wife with her new husband. I do pray for her because I am sad and worried that he behavior is hurting the boys and herself.

"All in all DH and I are a better match and that's no one's fault it just is and because he is happy he is a better father and husband. I'm sure she is a better wife with her new husband. I do pray for her because I am sad and worried that he behavior is hurting the boys and herself."
I think we are floating in the same boat, newgarden. I just wish everyone in it could come to the same peace with their place.

Sweeby - why couldn't my Dh have married you instead of the woman he did? How I would love to have your reason and logic as part of my extended family.

And TOS, really? I shouldn't read my step daughter a bed time story?? Isn't that taking it a bit too far?

No, you shouldn't read her a bedtime story - not because you shouldn't ever read her a story, because that is not a problem, but the bedtime routine is a crucial part of parenting and THE FATHER SHOULD DO IT. If you are reading the bedtime story, then he is not, and the children are missing out on an important piece of parenting.

And if the father is not there at bedtime, then it is an inappropriate time for the children to be visiting. Fathers (or mothers) who travel a lot of the time should not have primary physical custody, or alternatively, fathers (or mothers) with primary custody should not accept jobs which require a lot of travel.

Regarding the bedtime story scenario - Who died and made you God? You need to get over yourself :))

Though I agree that the bedtime ritual is an important one and that dad should be the primary player in it, should I tell my step daughter no when she asks me to read instead? Or what if we do it together, as is often the case in our house - all 5 of us read together.
I don't think shared duty, if the child is requesting it, is harming anyone.

Here is a tangent question in response to your post above . . . if mom has custody and chooses to take a job with high travel should she give up custody?

My DH commutes to his job in NYC, so he is not here during the week. He has been doing this for almost 6 years. We have primary physical custody of my two SSs. Their mother made the choice to remarry and move out of state almost years ago. The boys did not want to move with her to Washington DC - their lives, school, activities and friends are here in a suburb of Chicago. They chose to live with us.

While my older SS is away at college, my younger SS is here, stuck with me all week, no BioParent. What should we do?

Tamar, your stepson should be sent to a foster home as YOU are NOT the biological parent and YOU have NO rights to the child except that of a glorified chauffeur. If dad can't be home with the child due to the fact that he is attempting to support his child financially and mom doesn't want him, despite the fact that you want and do provide a loving balanced home for him, he should immediately be sent to a foster home. Strangers are better than a stepparent.

What do you think? Am I finally learning my place in this stepparent puzzle or what??!!!! LOL!!

According to what I've read here, TOS will be proud of you! :))

Well Tamar, your ss clearly should not have a choice in the matter. He should be sent on the next plane to Washington DC. Being with a bm, even if he does not want to be, is clearly better than being with someone whos only purpose is to be married to the childs father. Parenting is not your purpose in this relationship!! How dare you attempt to care for and love someone elses child. The BM should be given emergency custody at once!!!!

I am sure KKNY and TOS are upset I beat them to this advice.

I do not know how they type their stuff without laughing hysterically...I know that I just busted up laughing as I was typing this garbage that they always type!!!

The problem that BMs have is that another woman is with the man you once loved. Maybe still do Your children have a new mother "figure". There is a new family that does not include you. There are "family" outings, holiday rituals, relatives, gifts, pictures, all that do not include you. And, you have to share the limelight at sporting, school, and social events with this other "family". Your dreams are shattered and the future is not what you thought it would be. For many, this is very difficult to put into proper perspective. There is pain, rejection, fear, resentment and jealousy all warring inside of many in our situation.

Logically, of course you want your children well treated and even loved. If your children were spending time with a loving Aunt, there would be no problem. But if they are spending time with a loving sm  all of the very understandable emotions mentioned above come into play. We are only human. These emotions are very real.

Some of the women on this board have been able to deal with these issues in a healthy manner. Some have not and it is not their fault. It is just one of many reasons why divorce where children are concerned is so devastating.

So the kids live in Chicago while their parents live in NYC and Washington, respectively? And yes, if you live all week in NYC and go back to Chicago for the weekend, your primary residence IS NYC. That is insane. Either the parents should not have moved, or one or the other should have taken the children with him or her. It wasn't clear which one moved first - in my state, the first one to move out of state would most likely have lost primary custody.

You got to admit that you have a pretty unusual situation. There aren't too many people who would even consider flying back and forth from Chicago to NYC every weekend, because the plane fare would eat up most ordinary people's entire income.

I feel bad for the children because apparently neither one of their parents care enough about them to actually live with them.

Re the bedtime story - every time the stepparent takes over a parenting task, it is one less thing the real parent does. A NCP parent spends little enough time with his children. It is wrong to cut into that time.

Tos, my X worked in Washington DC, for an indefinite assignment that has to date lasted over 5 years. I felt bad for my DD even before the divorce.

Jeri,

"The problem that BMs have is that another woman is with the man you once loved. Maybe still do Your children have a new mother "figure". There is a new family that does not include you. There are "family" outings, holiday rituals, relatives, gifts, pictures, all that do not include you. And, you have to share the limelight at sporting, school, and social events with this other "family". Your dreams are shattered and the future is not what you thought it would be. For many, this is very difficult to put into proper perspective. There is pain, rejection, fear, resentment and jealousy all warring inside of many in our situation. "

This is a vast overgeneralization. Not true in my case. Dont think true in TOSs case -- her children's SM barely sees the children.

My H's current wife makes it pretty clear that she dislikes all of my children except one, including the adult ones she has never met. She is by no means any kind of mother figure.

In your opinion, what exactly is the "proper perspective" to have toward TOW who has participated in destroying your family?

I was told many years ago that when a woman divorces her husband she does not want him to remarry until she is secure in her new life, so he will be there if she can't make it work. Maybe there is some truth in that. It certainly was with my husband. When he told his ex that he was going to marry me, she started discouraging him, saying it's to soon, you don't know her well enough, etc., etc., etc.. Lo and behold he suggested we live together until we get to know each other better. While he was busy I took off my engagement ring and laid it on his night stand where I knew he would find it that night. He decided right away he didn't want to lose me. LOL

Jonesy,

That may be true in some cases, but again is a vast overgeneralization. I dont think it has relevance to mine or TOS situation. Both of us are focused on children not X.

Unless your H is a polygamist, he only has one wife. Do you mean your X-H?

Huh, I dont understand -- i said X. I thought it was clear i meant XH.

"Re the bedtime story - every time the stepparent takes over a parenting task, it is one less thing the real parent does. A NCP parent spends little enough time with his children. It is wrong to cut into that time."

Remember TOS, my DH IS the CP. So now what about me reading a story if my SD requests it?

That depends - does he read the bedtime story 360 days a year, and you 5 times? Or is it the other way around?

I would say it's likely a pretty even split, though as I said before many times it's all three kids together with us both.

And what, in your opinion, should I tell SD if she does request me 3 days in a row? "I'm sorry, but I can't read to you because you aren't my real child?" "Reading books is only for real parents?" Why make the child feel punished for something that is beyond her control? Why make them feel it is wrong to care for their step?

DH started commuting BEFORE BioMom moved out of state. I guess DH didn't lose custody for moving out of state since he maintains a residence here, is registered to vote here, and pays state income tax here. Plus, why would BioMom go to court for something like that? How would Dad losing custody benefit the children?

Let me see if I understand you correctly. Dad has been commuting to his job, and the boys lived with BioMom in Chicago. BioMom decides to move to Washington DC, when the kids are 18 and 15. The boys state they WANT to stay in Chicago with Dad and StepMom, knowing that the majority of time, it will be StepMom. You think the best interest of the kids would be to drag them off to Washington DC?

It's funny. Before SS17 came home from rehab, BioMom was thinking that maybe he should live with her and her new husband in Washington, and not return to Chicago. She apparently forgot that one of son's big problems was her enabling behavior, and you don't get much more enabling than allowing pot smoking and underage drinking in your basement. Anyway, her new husband said if they force son to live with them, they will have to hide the car keys to prevent him from taking the car and driving home to Chicago.

Our situation is not that unusual in our area. I can think of 3 other families in similar situations - they commute to Atlanta, San Francisco and Boston. DH works in NYC to best provide for his family, and he travels home every weekend because he loves his family. He commuted after his divorce, and he still came home every weekend for the boys.

You shouldn't feel bad for my stepsons. Even if their parents "don't care enough about them to actually live with them," they have a StepMom who loves them to pieces and would do anything for them.

I think my kids see DH more than your kids see their dad, so, really, who should we feel sorry for?

If I were to decide to spend all week in Washington, you can bet my exH would take me to court, even if I hired Mary Poppins to take care of the kids. Obviously custody was not an issue with an 18 year old, but yes I do think it was in the best interest of the 15 year old to live with one of his parents. Absolutely.

I could earn more money if I lived in Washington also, but I am not about to leave my kids behind.

Your SS's may see their father more than my kids see their father, but my kids see their mother every single day, obviously.

I realize that you are in an entirely different economic bracket than I, or even than my exH and his current wife, but I don't care how much more money your H can earn in Washington; I don't think it is right for him to have taken a job that required leaving his kids during the week.

justnotmartha,

If your husband isn't reading the bedtime story to his daughter the vast majority of the time, I think you should strongly encourage him to do so.

I am curious as to why her mother didn't regain custody after the felon was completely out of her life. I assume the new husband is not a felon? Did she not have enough money to fight anymore?

All I was thinking as reading this was...

Lucky for hubby he can earn that kind of money ...sucks he has to travel... but atleast the funds were available for rehab.... if he had switched jobs I doubt the $100,000(???) for rehab would have been available so who would have suffered in the long run.

Guessing it would be his "biological son"....since rehab money would not have been available. But atleast he would have had a "real parent" at home.

Oh wait ... I am sure if hubby didn't travel son would not have had to go to rehab in the first place...

Oh wait ... he was living with elsewhere when the issue came to light.

Can't win for trying.

I find it funny the amount of nitpicking that is involved here. My husband and I have a large family, and so we alternate on all tasks with our five boys (i.e. homework help, story time, etc..). But I take it from these posts I'm just supposed to do everything only for our three boys and let him do for my two SS and my three boys as well? Wow, we'd never get anything done! I do agree there are certian things as a SM I would never touch with a ten foot pole (i.e the 'sex' talk) but on daily activities we're pretty much on par.

I don't see how segregation can improve a household at all. I know there are alot of BM's here who do not want SM to have anything to do with their children, but by creating that environment where one adult must virtually ignore the child will only make the little one feel more isolated and neglected. The more love the better I say!!

theotherside; i think you are taking your own situation and extrapolating it into other people's lives where it just doesn't fit.

From what you've said, your ex-husband has not been a particularly involved father and his wife actively dislikes your children. In your place, it makes sense to do everything possible to encourage your X to spend more time with his children and to discourage contact with his wife.

Most family situations really are not like that. Yes, there are plenty of "deadbeat dads", and they get all the press. But the reality is that there are many more divorced (or never married) dads who are fully and actively involved in their children's lives. My mother had legal custody, but we spent equal time at both parent's houses. My boyfriend currently has two of his three 20-something children living with him. My mother and her boyfriend had primary custody of his two youngest children from the time they were preschoolers (the youngest just graduated high school). Yes, technically he had custody and she was legally nothing to them. In what way does that change her actual relationship to them? My divorced-with-children friends all have exes who are completely involved in the kids' lives, regardless of who has legal primary custody. Many of the stepmoms posting here are married to custodial fathers. On the other hand, my niece's biofather has never been involved in her life, and my brother adopted her after he married my sil (her mom). The family dynamics are all just different. The right answers for each family are going to be different, too.

Yes, there is something wrong imo with a parent who only reads a bedtime story to his (or her) bedtime-story-age child 3 times a year. That statement has nothing to do with divorce or what a stepmom's role is, though. It applies equally whether that parent is custodial, non-custodial, or still married to the child's other parent. Just like you can have an "intact" (god i hate that description) family with two involved parents, you can have a step-family with an involved parent AND and an involved step-parent. Having an involved step-mom does not preclude dad from being fully involved any more than having a fully involved mom does.

" Having an involved step-mom does not preclude dad from being fully involved any more than having a fully involved mom does." Very good statement, Quirk.

TOS, you did not answer my question. What do think I should tell my SD if she wants me to read a story more than she wants her dad to? I never said he didn't want to or needed encouraging, I asked how to react to the child in this senerio your are proposing?

As for our friend the felon, mom didn't regain custody because the custody evaluator found her to be self absorbed, selfish, unable to think of her child before herself to the extent that she would repeatedly put her child in harms way to get what she wanted. Conversly the evaluator found our home to be a loving, safe environment where children were the priority.

Why is it you assume that if the felon is gone the slate is clear and mom's past "sins" should be forgotten? Or that it had anything to do with money. She actually has quite a large trust fund to dip into, but instead after the "battle" she declared bankruptcy, wrote off all her debt and immediately began racking up new debt. We, on the other hand, spent 4 years paying back the retirement we dipped into to pay for this.

"Having an involved step-mom does not preclude dad from being fully involved any more than having a fully involved mom does."

I disagree. In far too many cases, a very involved father steps back from his involvement with his children as soon as a woman comes into the picture and lets/encourages/requires the stepmother to take over many of the parenting responsibilities.

justnotmartha,

I think you should strongly encourage her to let her father read the story. Repeat daily if necessary. Be conveniently not in the room when it is her turn for a story.

Sometimes it takes a bit of effort on a biological mother's part to encourage father-child bonding in an intact family. Often babies and toddlers want their mom, but it is good to encourage their relationship with dad (as long as the mom continues to breastfeed the baby). It should be somewhat easier for a stepmother to encourage the relationship between father and child.

TOS, they actually are very close. It is not a lack of his involvement that would put me in the story chair, it would be his daughters request. So again I ask the same question - what do think I should tell my SD if she wants me to read a story more than she wants her dad to? How does one tell a child they can't do something that simple because they are not "their" child?

Why would she want that? As I said before, I would STRONGLY encourage her to let her dad read the story.

because she loves me. Because she enjoys me reading to her. What does it matter? What do I tell HER, not her father?

As I said in two previous posts, you strongly encourage her to let her father read her a story. You tell her that DADDY would really like to read her a story; that it is his special time with her.

"Why would she want that?"

TOS - is it so hard to see that alot of children actually CARE FOR their stepmothers?

"You tell her that DADDY would really like to read her a story"

Depending on the age of the child you know that could really hurt her feelings?? Then you have a child who thinks to them selves 'but why won't YOU read to me? I asked you...' I'll say it again, why take a stance on an issue like this when the only one who has the potential to get their feelings hurt is the CHILD???

"In far too many cases, a very involved father steps back from his involvement with his children as soon as a woman comes into the picture and lets/encourages/requires the stepmother to take over many of the parenting responsibilities."

My husband is just as involved as he was before, but now the boys have TWO doting parents in the home, yes we divide and conquer on bathtime,storytime homeworktime etc..so EVERYONE can have some quality time with both of us. I still have a hard time seeing what is wrong with that.

wow.

Did you bother to read what I wrote at all before telling me I'm wrong? I wasn't talking about father who, for whatever reason, are less involved than they should be. I was specifically talking about fathers who ARE. I wrote a whole paragraph talking about fathers who ARE. Maybe there are "far too many cases, a very involved father steps back from his involvement with his children as soon as a woman comes into the picture and lets/encourages/requires the stepmother to take over many of the parenting responsibilities." What in the name of god's green earth does that have to do with families where that DOESN'T happen. My whole point was to address the actual family and the actual situation, not some hypothetical deadbeat dad/uninvolved father stereotype that exists in some other family.

Whether you like it or not, stepmothers are family. Even my sisters-in-law are family, and I didn't meet them until I was an adult. My SM has been in my life since I was 14, in my brother's since he was 3. We lived in the same house. She helped teach my how to drive. In no way did that lessen either of my parent's involvement; I needed lots of practice! Stepmoms should bond, too.

"Sometimes it takes a bit of effort on a biological mother's part to encourage father-child bonding in an intact family. Often babies and toddlers want their mom, but it is good to encourage their relationship with dad (as long as the mom continues to breastfeed the baby). It should be somewhat easier for a stepmother to encourage the relationship between father and child."-- but that doesn't mean mom should not be involved, just that both parents should. Again, I agree that IF dad is not a fully involved parent, he should be encouraged (by mom, stepmom, grandma, anyone available) to become one. However, that doesn't mean SM can't also be involved, and it has no bearing whatsover on families where dad already IS involved.

Amen, Quirk!

TOS... when you and ex were an "intact" family .... how many nights per week did he read to any of your children?

Was it something he enjoyed? or did he do it because you said ... have daddy read to you?

I know you won't answer but thought I would try.

Does it really matter who reads to the child?

But because SM took it upon herself to do something special with her SD you have an issue.

If SM was teaching SD how to bake/_______ would you have issue with that too? or is it just the reading part?

Many people teach my daughter, her coaches, teachers, etc. I just think that if Dad cant spend time with child, mom should.

And if for whatever reason mom isn't there?

oh wait ... mom should come over every night and read to her child?

So it is just reading?

:-) So to reference another TV show... On full house Uncle Jesse and dad's friend (dave couleir) should not have read to Michelle because they were not her father.

Oops! mom had a valid excuse not to read to her daughter she was dead... or that doesn't count either?

So the answer to SD's question is ... go ask your father... or buy 2 copies of every book give mom a copies so she can read it over the phone to child.

btw, wow was in response to "Why would she want that?"

I still don't know how to respond to that. I can't even comprehend the question.

just... wow.

I think we should all just thank our lucky stars that TOS and kkny are not our children's stepmothers ...

As for general postings - I believe that whenever our "hot buttons" are pressed, we have two choices: react or not.

Some persons will go within and ask "Why is this bothering me so much?" These persons will think about the issue until they get an answer for themselves and grow emotionally.

Other persons will react to the "hot button" and then arguments pursue - each side trying (futilely) to change the other party's mind about something.

Pay close attention to posters who are supportive and encouraging - those who are attempting to help you grow into a more mature BM, SM, or SK - a person who seeks to know how to be a better communicator and someone who wants to cooperate with others.

I hope we (most of us at least) will choose to post positively rather than be instigators of division.

"TOS... when you and ex were an "intact" family .... how many nights per week did he read to any of your children?

Was it something he enjoyed? "

About half the time. Yes, he did enjoy it - I didn't ask him to read to them. For awhile when they were little, they would ask him to stay in their rooms until they fell asleep. A lot of times he would fall asleep on the carpet before they fell asleep, which couldn't have been very comfortable. Actually, in the year or two before he left, he read to the kids, especially the one who really liked to be read to a lot, most of the time. Daddy story time was a regular ritual. Shortly after he left, when he was coming home a couple nights a week while I went out, this child asked him to read her a bedtime story before he left. He refused - said he didn't have time. I am not sure she ever got over that. Years later when her little sister was complaining that daddy treated her better, she said, "he doesn't treat any of us very well."

He went from a very involved father in an intact family to a very uninvolved NC father almost overnight, and I have seen this happen in other families as well. When he used to allow them to visit, TOW would be the one to read them bedtime stories. She'd take them shopping. About the only thing he would do for or with them was cook. He spent a lot of time watching tv or playing computer games. Within a year after he left he had gained probably 50 pounds, and several prescription meds.