dotz, I'm sorry for yours and your husband's situation. The sad part of all, is if your SS has children, he is teaching them through his example, how they should someday treat him. My mom made it clear she didn't like my stepmom and didn't want us to like her either. There are four of us in our family and while my two sisters rallied with my mom and didn't like my stepmom, I came to resent my mom for wanting me to choose and for saying nasty things about someone I liked. (My brother liked and got along with my stepmom but I don't remember my mom saying anything to him. He was out of the house when my dad remarried) I could see my stepmom did nothing to anyone to cause them to dislike her, they did it just because my mom would crack jokes or dig for info and then say nasty things about it. I can't say how my sisters felt, but it made me uncomfortable and I was a teenager. I can only imagine how torn some young kids feel. I'm sure some are not torn, they will do whatever it takes to please their parent. It is on a case by case basis because each child is going to have a different personality and have their own feelings about it, regardless of what the parent says or does. It's my belief that even the kids that rally with the parent, may someday come to realize what their parent did was wrong, probably after they become parents and/or stepparents themselves and experience the difficulty in raising (someone else's) child and possibly dealing with the bio parent of their stepchild. They may also resent the parent that causes friction in their relationship with the other parent. When I read of an estrangement, I often wonder if that might have something to do with it. But, since history is often rewritten, who knows? I'm sure there are plenty of other reasons too. My point is, it's terrible how what someone (either parent) does to a young child, may follow that child into adulthood and even old age... and also impact generations to come.

I was wondering if other people have situations simular to mine.Th ex here has been ex'ed for 13 years now.She was wife number 2.I am wife number 4.Number 3 left because of the crap the second wife was doing.Calling and harrassed her and the husband.myhusband has one boy who is now almost 16.His mother is bipolar as well.I don't know what she is tryign to cause or what she wants with the cronic phone calls,it's always about this son.He lives with her,we are supose to get him every other week end,we don't,she changs the schedule beacuse she needs leaves picked up,they needed picking up the weekend before and they had time to gt it done.Yes the calls came even at 12 midnight just a year ago.She wantd to at one point give up her son but she wantd to keep custody.She would take careof all her sons schooling from 40 miles away via e-mails to the teachers,and drive here if she needed to.My husband so graciously said yes to his coming and signed papers to do so.I found the papers.Signed sealed and delivered in his papers he keeps.i was suspicious anyway and to prove my feeling were so i went to look it up,there it was.She would keep her child support money and he will come here and live with us.Yeah! I bet! this was her way of moving in here.She actually met up with my husband and went to dinner over this paper signing. I am still very hurt that he would even think to do something this stupied.In hope his son will be with him?I wonder if he really wants to be with her at any cost.i don't get it.He knows her undermining.She even calls on our anniversary to discus the sons christmas list.Muy comment was you buy what you want and we buy what we want,he'll be happy.Come to find out his daddy bought everything and she gave him 150.00.I haven't an issue with daddy being his santa claus but I do have one with her telling him what to do.I buy ny step son things i know he will really like.Iremember the things he has mentioned over the year and i tell his daddy abou tthem.he says he didn't say it was what he wanted.I asked him if he ever has listened to him at all through the year.I do.I normally do not need a list,especially when I know someone. You'd think after 5 years of me being with this guy the ex would go away.She has a boyfriend and her son said she didn't feel anything for him.She has dated him 3 years now.Well about 3 1/2 years ago after me and my husband married she called my husband and said she was getting married to this same fellow she'd then had dated him 3 times.She was out house hunting as well with her son.my guess is she told him she has bipolar with other and he doesn't want to commet.She did lie to my husband about that as well.He had no idea she had that at all.It was at the wedding his brother was hearing this from friends there.Oh my! I think if i found my sposue to lie like that I would have ennulled the marriage.He didn't find out until she had a breakdown after the boy was born when she went out of town and not on meds.She was going to divorce him because at first she wasn't getting pregnant 9 months inot the marriage.Then low and behold she was pregnant. I am tired of the calls.It has been put to minimal.He keeps his phone on vibrate.He has a new job wher ehe has a phone at his desk and she i am sure calls for stupied things still.After the decision I made on the child staying with his mother and not coming here it really has stopped alot of her calls.I tols my husband it has to be him coming here which means mother dear will be over here,and it is her or me.he chose me and he stayed at his mothers house.he has a councler who really is trying to evaluate the situation.It is soon to believe that it is mother who is the one with issues.my step son knows it isn't him.I made sure he understood it was not him.He has mad ehis friends in his area he lives in and he is now happy with his decision and my decision that he stayed there.theropist are keeping her out of his life as much as they can.She had unfinished bussiness with my husband I am sure.i had to let him go there with theropist trying to deal with the son and the mother and I needed the docotr to push their life to a closier so she can go away. i think her bipolarness is still such an issue that she will not let those sleeping dogs lay still. So agin is it a bipolar issue or the ex issue.Two mor eyears and it has to stop.the calls have to stop.I will leave him if he keeps it up. Bad enough the first ex calls and posses as his brother.he allows that too.He ha smental issues himself to even let that go on.I have thought many times i am bringing up my ex all the time and in his face I will be with it.he can get a taste of it.Now he has real reason to be jealous of my ex.he is handsome and smart as a whip.we were also togther 30 years,27 of them married.He hasn't been maried over 3 years in all of his other 3. thanks,i needed to say something before I explode.

It sounds as if this kid wants to maintain an attachment with his dad's ex's and if the ex tried to schedule time with him, she should not have been told no. This kid seems to have been put through a lot of women in and out of his life and he may have trouble with trusting because of it. Even the one that he said was mean... he wants some sort of acknowledgment that it meant something. So far, all he sees is that the women in dad's life come & go... I wouldn't cut off one that hasn't cut him off. I might explain that people move on with things in their life, like new relationships & jobs, but that doesn't mean she doesn't love him any less... and maybe now she can only see him occasionally. Can't they exchange phone numbers or email & keep in touch that way? I know it's hard for you to have your DH's ex, who isn't even the mother to his child, in the picture at all. But, if she isn't interfering in your new life together, I would look at it like his long lost aunt that he wants to see him a few times a year. (the key words "AS LONG AS SHE ISN'T INTERFERING" in your life) And I would also tell her that if she makes plans, she needs to KEEP the plans because it hurts the child if she cancels & it disrupts YOUR life, which IS interfering. And I'm sorry if this sounds mean, but your feelings are not as important as the child's feelings... in this regard: You are an adult. You are capable of thinking rationally and objectively. He is a child. He has had more than his share of women come & go, he may not really believe you are permanent. The fact that he asked about her after a long period where you thought he had moved on, only shows that he still thinks about it after all this time. He may not talk about it, but he will continue to think about it and wonder if relationships are just temporary things.. his parents marriage was.. his dad's ex's were.. maybe his mom has had a few too.. For that reason, I think it's important for you to put your (valid) feelings aside and do what you can to facilitate a relationship to continue between the child and his exSM...

It sounds hostile, but it is not, personally it is my sincere wish as a child of divorce. I have wathed my BM struggle through the pain, and anger of the divorce, but it is not about hating the new partner of her ex, or even punishing him, it is about the effect on the life she was building as well as the effects on her children. She fought to protect us from the effects of the divorce, and us having to deal with the fact that our father actually believed that this woman loves us. She accepts us, and we accept her. We recieve nice gifts on christmas and birthdays, but her marriage to dad is for her satisfaction and her life, my sibling and I agree that we do not appreciate the decisions that shape our lives influenced by a woman who has not sacrificed for us. I mean 'the divorce'! Our sense of security is protected by our mother. She knows us, and gives for us. And i admire her even more now that we are finally settled again from this mess, for her being brave enough to love again. My step dad has filled a real gap for us in the home, he has embraced what another has compromised. My personal hope and faith has been renewed. But unfortunately my dad does not seem to get it! He's now jealous. WHAT!