Wow, what an "apology"

You label it to "bitter" Xwives. I dont think I am bitter, but I do stick up for my daughter. And the SMs that self-righteously say "adult children dont deserve financial support" -- real easy to say when it gets them more money.

And you ask that people not judge SM or GF, based on what of them, yet how many of the SM postings do that? Put down the first wife and mother. And how some delight in using BM as a negative phrase. Juvenile humor, yet.

You sure sound bitter to me. And angry. And vindictive.

Count me in to the camp that generally agrees with the "adult children are not entitled to endless financial support" position. And by the way, that includes my own biological children, not just my steps. I'm concerned that my Ex gives our son too much in the way of financial support, not too little. And I have no claim to (nor any interest in) his money. I hope his new wife gets it, because she will have earned it, putting up with him.

Lets be honest...phrasing this thread "apology to bitter ex-wives" isn't exactly the way you would phrase something if you really meant to appologize. That would be like me posting something that said "apology to evil-stepmothers" or kkny posting something that was titled "apology to wife-stealing hussies".

This forum is for "stepfamilies" not just for stepmothers. It should include stepchildren, stepmothers and stepfathers and bioparents and biochildren alike. All of us have to deal with what happens in stepfamilies, not just stepmothers and it helps to have perspective from all involved. I think kkny came onto this forum to get perspective from stepmothers as to why her daughter's father and his girlfriend are excluding her daughter. She feels as if her ex-husband not only left her, but also completely forgot that he has a daughter and that it is his responsibility to be a father to his daughter forever, not just until she is old enough to take care of herself or until she turns 18. I think all of us can benefit from the advice of people who live in the shoes of the person we are in termoil with. I think I have gained some perspective from the stepmothers in here. There are also some crazy stepmothers who make me want to scream. I think I have offered good advice to some of the stepmothers and they have offered good advice to me. The problem is that we keep looking at the people who are "on the other side" as if they are the enemy, we need to look at things from one another's perspectives and realize why we all feel the way we do and also why our stepmothers, ex's wives/girlfriends, and stepchildren feel the way they do. Nobody is completely blameless and we shouldn't take joy in one another's misery, we should work to help each other out!

kkny did not say anything about "endless" financial support.

The children of the first marriage and the first wife generally do have a moral and legal claim on the father/husband's earning potential. Many gave up a career in order to raise the children - yet they receive no alimony. Women who reenter the workforce at 50 will most likely never earn anywhere near the salary they would be capable of had they remained employed full-time during the time their children were growing up.

"And you ask that people not judge SM or GF, based on what of them, yet how many of the SM postings do that? Put down the first wife and mother. And how some delight in using BM as a negative phrase. Juvenile humor, yet."

I will be the first to admit that I have recently been extremely critical of the parenting skills of my husband's first wife. Maybe you, as a BM, can explain to me by what stretch of the imagination it is ever a good idea to go out of town for the weekend to be with your husband, leaving home alone your 17 yo high school junior, one who has a drinking habit, a recent episode (within the last 3 weeks) of cutting himself and a fresh Zoloft prescription. See, I am a BM, also, and I think a person would have to be insane, or just extremely selfish, to do this. And maybe her actions would not be a big deal, IF my SS were not now away in a residental treatment center because he had hosted an underage drinking party that weekend, got caught, and cut himself again. I do not "delight" in putting her down. I am angry and frustrated and can't for the life of me understand her. She didn't tell us about the initial cutting episode, she didn't tell us she was going out of town and leaving him unsupervised, and she has always allowed both boys free reign as far as having parties in her home with underage drinking and illegal drugs. She has a masters in social work, and she should know better.

That being said, I will continue to be critical of her lack of parenting skills, but I do not lump her together with all other BMs. I also think there are some crappy stepmoms in the world, but I would not lump them together with all others. Some of the ex-wives on this forum who are not also stepmoms seem to generalize about ALL stepmoms, not just the particular stepmom or GF in their particular situations. I don't know why you feel you have to generalize about all SMs.

tamar...your apology should be very much appreciated. I agree with Tamar....if you are not currently a SM yourself then you should not generalize all SM's on this forum...and you are doing that. 99% of the posts here are in reference to stepchildren, stepmothers/fathers, and the ex wife/husband who creates alot of the problems for the steps. When we post here, it is pretty safe to say that there are alot of negative energy coming from the bio mom/dad, for us stepparents. To the bio moms...if this site is informative to you as to understanding what alot of stepmoms/dads go through then please keep commenting - but maybe you could in a positive way. If you are on this site because you are angry at your ex because he has met and married someone else, and no matter what you are not going to understand what we are going through, then you really should not comment and bring the rest of us down. This forum is for the steps in all areas, but not to continuously put us in a more negative situation than what alot of us are currently in.

kkny, I have read all your postings. I do agree that minor children do require full financial assitance and support from the bio parents. Adult children in 4 years of college continue to require some financial assistance from bio parents. Do you contribute to the finances of your children? Do you have any adult children you financally support?

As I said earlier, I have helped my adult step children out many times, financially, mentally, physically in all areas of their life. It is when they don't want to work a part time job to help out or when they buy themselves expensive unnecessary trips, toys (stereo equipment, snowboards,, etc). and then come to us for money I say "No". As adults, they need to learn to manage money wisely and not come to daddy when they blow their money foolishly. Money does not grow on trees.

Secondly, my DH's X pays nothing towards the adult children's needs and I mean nothing. Yet she encourages her children to come to daddy for money when they blow it foolishly. She claims them on her taxes and gives them no money from what she gains on them. As a step mother I do get tired of helping out when bio mom contributes nothing.

Remember DH is currently sitting in a great financial situation because of "Our combined incomes" and what we BOTH brought with us to this marriage. DH and X settle everything up front during their divorce, but X continues to think she and the kids still deserves more. DH and step kids have health insurance because of me. Do you know how much health insurance costs especially as often as these adult step kids go to the the doctor for minor things? Bio mom would not allow them on her health insurance. She does not help them with any expenses and I know this because they have told us this. Bio mom says she is so poor but she can also take trips,owns a house, has a job, vehicles and leaves a man live with her. But she would NOT allow either of her children to live with her. Both step kids have lived with us.

I guess I am a little resentful that the step kids blow money foolishly expecting daddy to bail them out and bio mom does not help out her own adult children financially. I do not believe adult children should have an endless supply of money, just because daddy had a pension (which mommy got part of).

My parents have money and I do not expect a dime from them. Their money is their money. I feel adults need to make their own money in life and just because daddy once had a pension does not mean they are entitled to it. And by the way DH's X does get part of his pension and will until she dies. So why can't she share some of that pension with her own kids?

Like you said everyones situation is different. But what is right is right and when other people take advantage of others it is wrong even if it is adult children or an X.

How can your health insurance cover your adult stepchildren unless they are in college or grad school? Why does you insurance cost more just because they go to the doctor? Obviously there would be more co-pays, but the cost of the insurance is fixed - and it will increase every year whether they use it or not.

Theotherside, They are in college and grad school. It cost full price to go to the doctor each time they go until the large deductible is met. And for each person I have on my insurance I pay for them each month. Every year the cost of health insurance rises increasing my monthly payment to have the insurance, U seem to not know alot about various health plans or various situations in life (refering to cell phone credit). How old are you?

Yes, I contribute to the support of my child, who lives with me. I contribute a far greater portion of my income to her support than X does. In essence, he has decided to keep his own luxury lifestlye, and then leave insurance and estate to child. As long as he is alive and working -- should be no problem to his GF.

My husbands ex tried to get alimony, and was denied. Although he paid $1000 per month and had both on his insurance. She had pidley jobs throughout the years, but the judge told her she was plenty capable of working herself. She was also responsible for half of the medical bills, but of course never paid them. The oldest is 24 years old now, living at home with mom...and she STILL trys to get extra! So I believe when you are of that age, you should support yourself and not ask mom and dad ANY money.

I am rather familiar with medical insurance - most insurance in my state is through HMO's or occasionally PPO's, so there is no deductible as long as you go to a doctor who is on the plan. I assume you must have meant out-of-pocket medical expenses, rather than insurance, in this sentence:

"Do you know how much health insurance costs especially as often as these adult step kids go to the the doctor for minor things?"

I did point out that health insurance costs rise each year.

I didn't realize that by "cell phone credit" you meant that a good repayment history would benefit your credit rating. Most people my age don't need regular phone bill payments to establish a credit history - I have long ago established that with close to 30 years of regular mortgage payments, not to mention credit card and student loan payments.

Really BM's need to get a grip and realize that their ex IS going to move on at some point. So they need to move on with their lives and put their children first and stop trying to remind everyone that they gave birth it is NOT about them it is about the children. The marriage didn't work he doesn't love "YOU" anymore so get over and move on. Stop the bitterness and find a hobby. Maybe that will help with the anger that most BM's have when they are divrced from the BF. It wasn't meant to be so put a period at the END.

You are so right sister,

and the kids need to get a life. At 18 dad owes them nothing.

A dad needs to be a dad no matter what your age! I don't know what kind of relationship you have with your father, helenar, but you have a twisted idea of what a parent is supposed to be. When you decide to bring a child into the world you make a commitment to that child, and if you don't follow through with your responsibility, you are a pitiful deadbeat. I hope you don't have any children of your own!

Raek, I think you misunderstood helenar's meaning -- I read that to mean he owes you nothing financially, not that he disowns you. Your attack on her was rude and unnecessary. Clearly you have some issues to be worked out (and I'm sorry if you were abandoned as a child or disrespected by a step-parent -- or bio parent).

The point is that there does come a time when you go from being a child to an adult....and your parents need to allow you (force you?!) to make that transition which has emotional and financial implications.

Even if a child is in college, I do not believe that the parents are solely responsible for financial support of the child. They should have been learning this all through their teenage years: allowance for help around the house, maybe a job before they go to college, then definitely working during college and summers between. It's time to face the world as we all have to -- whether we like it or not!

Incidentally, it is my opinion that by NOT forcing them to accept these responsibilities, you are not parenting your children....you are enabling them. (Though I know there are some out there -- my husband's ex -- who believe that a child shouldn't have to pay a thing for themselves...and that the more you spend, the more you obviously love them! Very unfortunate for the child who now has a very distorted view of reality and their world.

I'm sorry if you read it as rude and unneccesary, but if you go back and read most of her comments, they are undoubtedly rude and unneccesary. She gives all of you stepmothers a bad name if you ask me, and if I were any of you, I wouldn't want any association with her.

By the way, I completely agree that a parent shouldn't be supporting an adult child, but just because a child turns 18 doesn't mean a parents responsibility ends.

I was not abandoned as a child by either parent, so don't read too much into my comments to helenar. I just feel she is self-centered and expects her boyfriend to completely support her financially and that he should do nothing for his 15 year old daughter. I think, based on her posts that she is coming between her boyfriend and his daughter, and I don't think any of us should support or condone her postition on this.

Trust me, I worked from the time I was 14 on. My mom helped when she could, my dad helped because he had to (court ordered). I think that parents should encourage their children to make their own way, but they should not ignore and abandon all responsibilty. In other words, Jerseystepmom, we are on the same page about the subject of what parents should and should not do for their children. My point is that #1 responsibility to your children has far more to do with time invested than it does in dollars spent, and #2 that your job as a parent NEVER ends. You are going to be a parent to that child FOREVER. Why not make it a loving and good relationship, rather than cutting a child out of your life the moment they turn 18?

Do all Step-mothers have a bad name?

Thank you for enlightening me.

So I was doomed from the start. The moment I married my
husband, I had a bad name. Thank you for that.

I really wish that my stepchildren had let me know
before I married their father, so that could have moved on.

He's a great guy, but no one is worth this.

Granted, I was lonesome before I married, but I have never
known anyone else who spews hatred, and finds fault with everything I do. Even the best intentioned gift is made to somehow look like an insult.

I am younger and healthier than my husband.
Chances are that I will outlive him.
And then I can be free of them forever.

Sorry I have to side with raek here.Helenar's post are rather one way. She seems to think ALL stepmoms hate their step children.That,in my opinion,DOES give us step moms a bad name. I have had trouble with my step daughters,but I IN NO WAY HATE THEM!
I dont think parents are financially responsible after 18...although a kinder parent may continue to help SOME,as getting started on your own can be a bit tough for some. It also doesnt mean that the parent should stop being in the child's life though.Parent and child is a relationship for LIFE.

Oh come on!!! READ HELENAR'S POSTS AND THEN COME BACK AND TELL ME THAT I'M TAKING THEM OUT OF CONTEXT!

If you work hard to be loving and kind to your stepchildren then you DO NOT HAVE A BAD NAME. My point, which you seem to have either entirely missed or taken completely out of context is that you should not defend women like helenar who thinks all of stepchildren are hateful and greedy and that we should just fall off the face of the earth in order to make SM or Dad's girlfriend like her happy.

No one is worth what you have gone through...let me tell you something...there is only one person who is worth all that I've gone through with my step-situation, and that is my dad, and some of the time I wonder if even he is worth it. Half the time I find myself wishing he was a completely different person than the one that he is, but I still love him after all I've gone through. The hate you feel from you stepkids is the same as the hate I feel from my stepmom and I never had a say, or a choice in the matter. Yes, I know, you didn't know what you were getting into when you married your husband, but I knew exactly what I was getting into when my dad married her and I was POWERLESS TO STOP IT...AND after all I've gone through I've come on this forum and I've been helpful and understanding toward the stepmother's I've encoutered here. It is obvious that MANY of you have really put forth the effort and tried with your stepchildren and I have repeatedly said so. I've have patiently explained that we are not all spoiled brats who expect our parents to support us until the end of time. And I disagree completely with helenar who has voiced SEVERAL TIMES how she doesn't like her boyfriends child and how she needs to just get over it and when she turns 18, she just needs to get out of her father's life and I'M THE BAD GUY?

by the way, thanks to coolmama...I think most of the time you and I are on the same page...XOXO

The way I see it and I could be totally wrong.. won't be the first or last time.

Disney Mom and Dad... figure they can buy their childrens love by spending money and getting them stuff will make up for the time they spend with them. Then comes along step parent who says ... why are you buying them stuff sp becomes the mean one because they put their foot down. We as steps don't have the guilt associated with divorce we didn't cause it (most of us anyway).

My steps BM equates everything to the almighty dollar. She believes she is worthless as a parent unless she can buy them stuff, with out money she is nothing.

My apology to his bitter ex-wife would be
You got the life you wanted. You wanted your freedom to come and go as you please. You walked away from your family and now you see that your family is doing just fine they didn't fall apart with out you and You see the grass isn't greener on the other side. Sucks pushing 40 and being alone. You taught your children that money = love long before you went off to find your new life, and now that you don't have any money you can't love them. You taught your children they can treat anyone who won't buy them stuff like dirt. Your children aren't pegs in the game of life. You can't spin a wheel and choose your destiny. Life is what you make it and you chose to make your children equate everything to a dollar amount. To make up for your lack of parenting skills you bought their love.

When your children are grown and thinking back in life ... what do you think they will remember how much money you spent on them ? Or hanging out with you doing mundane stuff around the yard, house, camping, baking cookies, playing ball in the yard, riding bikes, going to the beach, reading to them, having a tea party, stuff memories are made of? or that time you spent $50 buying them something?

Ask your children what is your favorite memory? I bet its not when you took them shopping!

So yes I feel sorry for your children that you walked out on them but it was the best thing for me had you not stepped out on your family I would not have met hubby or your children. So thank you for that. So yes you can berate me and let your children berate me in front of you if you think that gives you power over me, congratulations. But remember this who do they call when they need something? who do they rely on in time of need? when they are sick where are they? when they need cupcakes for school who bakes them? when they ask why is mommy always late and crying because you broke another promise who is there to comfort them? ME!!

Yes, and I am with you. Just because DH and BM both work and I wont be, why should I have to lift a finger.

Where do you come from Helenar that you think you shouldn't have to contribute anything? That your BF should support you financially while you don't work and that you shouldn't even have to 'lift a finger' to care for his home or kids? I just can't understand how anyone can have such a sense of entitlement. The 'Daddy's Princess' stage is supposed to end around age 5.

helenar.. please don't put me in the same boat with you... I can't swim and yours is sinking. I have my SKs daily their "mother" pops in when she feels like pretending to be a mother.

From what I understand you are the new gf who thought you found a sugar daddy ... but found out sugar baby and sugar momma come first you are 4th on the list at best.
Suck it up, get over it, get a job ,or "lift ever finger" you have and thank your lucky stars BF hasn't packed ya bags yet.
I earn my keep.. :) start earning yours or quit complaining.

If you don't earn the money or contribute to the household you don't have the right to tell him how to spend HIS money.

I guess you all see Raek's point!! Helenar, you do give SM's a bad name, and your BF will figure this out before it is all said and done. Maybe we can figure out a way to "get him your view on his child". You do not belong on this forum. The problems you have are caused only by you. He will pick his daughter before it is over. Wait and see. If he doesn't - you will have the miserable life you deserve. This child has done nothing to you, so you can not categorize yourself as a SM seeking help of how to bring a family closer, not farther apart.

Helenar seems to disagree with you. Looks like she's expecting to cash out anyway:

"Posted by helenar (My Page) on Mon, Mar 5, 07 at 13:18

I think there are many sides to this. A marriage is about sharing. Do you a pre-nup? My sons have been kind and respectful to my DH. His daughter has been awful. My expectation is that my DH will leave at least half of his property to me. He had promised more to daughter, but she has been mean and disrepctuful. why shouldnt my sons share equally? He gave plenty to the X in divorce. She can take care of daughter.

Do we have a term that defines someone who comes on to a message board just to stir things up and get some sick rise out of it....I mean seriously.....some of the statements from a particular poster are so laden with delusions of grandeur, that they have to be fiction.

The term would either be troll or flamer.

Ah, yes...thank you.

Anyone else thinking there's a troll on this board?

Very observant.

Helenar, are you a troll?

Ladies, it's funny, I was just thinking this the other day. I was actually thinking of posting to helenar and asking her if she's for real, and then I thought that might be insulting, and I've insulted enough moms here.

But since you all opened up the can, any guesses as to helenar's real identity? I don't think she is a stepmom, or even a BioMom. Maybe an unhappy stepchild?

There are several 'newish' posters here who have consistently been inflamatory, and I've found myself wondering the same thing...

I don't know....Raek mentioned she may be TOW where someone was posting on here awhile ago....maybe you guys know this and I am way behind. She needs to be gone!

I kinda said that with my tongue in my cheek. KKNY was angry because her ex had left her for another woman who did not treat her daughter very well. Helenar has admitted to being TOW in her situation and can't stand her ex's 15 year old daughter. I don't really know, but I do think Helenar is either crazy or she is a troll.

I dont think I am really angry. I dont think I am a troll (is that a really mean person). I think I come off as angry or bitter, etc. to my Xs GF becasue I feel I have to protect my daughters rights. I think the GF thinks that SD and I should disappear that everything belongs to her. It doesnt.

No BM wants a new woman in her personal life and family, especially if the new GF of wife is the last thing she wants her shildren exposed to.

The new GF or wife has chosen a MFB and needs to be mature and confident enough to stay out of the BM's personal business and dealings with her own children, as well as the decisions that the BM needs to make for her children with their father.

There will never be peaace where there are boudaries violated, or where there is disrespect. The MFB needs to man up and tow the line, alowing these two women to have seperate lives, and also remain honorable to his children, after all they did not ask to be here, and the new GF was not pivotal in the decision to conceive them.

The BM does not need to be judged or her children critisesed by the new GF especially of she lacks the life experience to empathise.

Ouch!! What's the deal?? Why the blanket hostility?

What's a MFB?

Man with Family Baggage. Not popular, but a real term.

It sounds hostile, but it is not, personally it is my sincere wish as a child of divorce.

I have wathed my BM struggle through the pain, and anger of the divorce, but it is not about hating the new partner of her ex, or even punishing him, it is about the effect on the life she was building as well as the effects on her children. She fought to protect us from the effects of the divorce, and us having to deal with the fact that our father actually believed that this woman loves us.

She accepts us, and we accept her. We recieve nice gifts on christmas and birthdays, but her marriage to dad is for her satisfaction and her life, my sibling and I agree that we do not appreciate the decisions that shape our lives influenced by a woman who has not sacrificed for us. I mean 'the divorce'!

Our sense of security is protected by our mother. She knows us, and gives for us. And i admire her even more now that we are finally settled again from this mess, for her being brave enough to love again. My step dad has filled a real gap for us in the home, he has embraced what another has compromised.

My personal hope and faith has been renewed. But unfortunately my dad does not seem to get it! He's now jealous. WHAT!

Your mom sounds awesome. She sounds like my mom who sacrificed everything to benefit me and my sibling. She taught me well and I strive every day to attain just a small portion of her awesomeness!!! I don't have children of my own but I do have two beautiful stepdaughters. I try to use what my mom taught me (and continues to teach me!!) about being selfless and loving towards them.