You dont say what state your boyfriend is in.

Each state handles situations such as you describe, differently, and then, judges have the discretion to choose to grant the reduced support request or not.

What I would suggest you do is have your father, who surely has access to legal libraries, and case studies, check on previouisly decided cases with similar details in your boyfriends state. That should give you at least an idea of how the state considers this issue.

What is he currently paying?

Also, he would have a better c hance of having it lowered if he enrolls in school, and makes the application BEFORE you move in with him. Once the order is set, it will not be able to be changed for a few years in most states, which will give him time to finish.

If you have to pay his child support, I believe that you will end up resenting it down the line somewhere. Just my opinion.

I don't see any reason for him not to work while he is in college. Even most 18 year old kids, who typically are not as organized as adults, manage to do work study.

His first priority is, or should be, his son, who is not going to stop eating while his father attends school. I managed to work 2/3 of full-time, attend grad school half-time, and raise 6 kids as a single parent all at once - it shouldn't be that hard for him to take 18 credits and work as much as 20 hours a week so he can finish school quickly.

At your age, I think you should read this board very carefully before you jump into living with a guy with a son, not to mention supporting him.

Lagirl,

What do your parents say? If my DD were 21, I would say you are jumping into a situation that may be difficult. Even if your FDH could get a CS reduction, college may not be easy. (and if he has been out of school for 10 years, this is a difficult scenario, getting credit for any earlier classes,etc.) I would say you are getting into a relationship with a man expecting him to change. Never easy -- maybe not realistic. He had 6 years before child born to go back to school.

In my experience if a parent is not working CS will be based on what they could be making in their field - in other words what he was making before quitting. I agree with TOS, he should be able (and expected) to work while going to school. He is a grown man, not an 18 year old easily distracted by being on his own for the first time. Past that, he has an obligation to his son that does not change regardless of his choice to better his education. If he wants this bad enough he will do whatever he has to do to get it, including grants, loans and jobs. If he isn't willing, I would question how much of this he wants vs. how much of it you want for him.

Remember - he made choices before the two of you got involved. Neither of you can go back and erase them because they don't work with the choices you want to make now.

Good luck to you - please stay involved in this board as I think there is much to be learned here that could help you.

"Do as I say, not as I did" sylvia speaking here:

If you subsidize this grown man as well as paying his child support, yes, you will resent him & the little one in the future, *and* you'll be setting precedent in a couple of ways:

1.
Paying the bills & being the grown-up will be your job, & letting you do it will be his.

& then one day in total frustration you'll say something like, "Why can't you help me? I helped you?" & he'll say, "I didn't ask you to do that; you did it because you wanted to."

2.
If the 2 of you marry, & he goes to school & you pay all the bills including child support, & things don't work out & you get divorced, he'll be in a really good position to ask for spousal support.

I wish you the best.

Hmmm. My daughter is about your age. Would I want her moving in with a much older boyfriend and supporting him for the next few years? No. And here's why.
You say, "I want HIM to finish college." You don't say, "HE wants to finish college." This raises two questions in my mind.
-Why is it important for you that he finishes college? Do you feel that the disparity in your educations will lead to problems further down the track? Is he in a dead-end job and claiming "If I could finish college I'd do better?"
-Why hasn't he finished college off his own bat? You say he has been out of college for a decade- seems to me to be more than enough time for his wife to finish college and for him to have re-enrolled, even taking into account the baby's birth and subsequent divorce. I can't help but feel that if he was truly interested in finishing his degree he would have started doing that by now- being on his own without having to worry about a wife and child at home would have made this a little easier, if anything. If he's not self-motivated, in the long run I think either you will get tired of pushing him to finish while you pay all the bills, and you'll split up, leaving you resentful and financially worse off; or he will resent your pushing him to do something his heart isn't really in, and you'll split up, also leaving you resentful and financially worse off.
As he is reasonably older than you I think he has had more than enough time to get his act together and set his feet on the path he intends to follow. How long have you two been dating? It can't have been very long in the general scheme of things. If the path he'd like to follow is to be supported by a much younger girlfriend who will struggle financially as a result, he doesn't seem to me to be the best prize.
If I was your mother I would hope that instead of moving in together as soon as you finish college, you would maintain separate households for at least a year or so, to allow you to become established in your chosen profession without the constant worry of marginal finances and building resentment for having to carry someone who is old enough to look after himself; and to see if your boyfriend is sufficiently motivated to get off the date and work towards his own goal.
If you move in as you plan I can see your finances getting hopelessly entangled and you being very unhappy in the long term.
Probably not what you want to hear, but as the mother of a similarly aged daughter, I fear for you.

Sorry, its taken so long to get back to y'all. I was at work all day. About midway through the day, I started really regretting posting this, mostly out of an ostrich type reaction. Not wanting to hear from other people, what I already kind of knew myself.

I do eventually expect him to get a job during college. I just kind of thought he might need at least a semester to get back into the swing of school. I mean, I have two jobs and go to school full time. So, I don't at all think that going to school precludes one from having to work. But then, I went straight from high school to college without any breaks. I just thought he might need a little while to adjust. But maybe the situation does not really give him any room to adjust and he will just have to sink or swim.

I didn't really think that getting a reduction in child support was a realistic option (or even a very responsible one, I guess I was just hoping to make things easier for myself, because I doubt I would be able to manage to pay it for him on top of everything else I already have to pay for).

About my parents...They know that I am planning on moving in with him. And they are ok with that. But I haven't told them my plans about me basically financing his return to school. My parents have told me point-blank that they don't want me paying his child support, so I haven't told them about my plans. More of the head in the sand maneuver, I guess.

I do, I think, know that I am getting myself into a hard situation. I'm really scared that I am going to put myself in a position that basically eliminates any chance of me being able to do what I want in life careerwise. There is no school in the state of Arkansas (where he lives)that even offers my major and I really need to go to grad school to be able to get to the higher levels of my field. The nearest one is the school that I already go to and that's eight hours away. But at the same time I can't imagine my future without him.

Colleen,

Sorry I must have been in the process of posting when you did. Anyway, I think one of my major reasons for wanting him to finish is the fact that I think the education disparity will cause a problem. I guess I am halfway afraid that a few years from now I will get bored and I really don't want that to happen. I mean, this week I told him that I wanted to be Ann Coulter for Halloween (because she's SCARY) and I had to explain to him who she is. I feel like there are just very basic knowledge gaps between us. I've never really told anyone that before, because I didn't want anyone I know to think that I am an insufferable elitist. Also, he says that he wants to finish college. Maybe it says something that I added the part about him wanting to finish as an almost afterthought.

"I'm really scared that I am going to put myself in a position that basically eliminates any chance of me being able to do what I want in life careerwise"

Please, listen to that little voice.

Men are narcotics.

That's the only explanation I've been able to come up with.

Smart girls & women, girls & women with their lives all in control, girls & women with good futures in front of them...
lose it & become doormats/enablers/starry-eyed babblers, not making any sense, saying that the object of their (our) affection is the most wonderful narcotic in the history of the universe.

You work 2 jobs & go to school, & you're *seriously* contemplating supporting a grown man who has had more time to get his life together...
because he may need time to "adjust" to *going to school*.

plus paying his child support.

& based on his past behavior, always the best prediction of future behavior, there's no reason to think he has any ambition to get more education.

plus you can't imagine your future without him.

Men are narcotics.

If I were in your shoes, or if my best friend, my sister, or my daughter were in those shoes, I'd say this:

Get completely away from him for at least a few weeks, a month ideally.

no contact:
no dates, no spending the night together, no phone calls, no emails, no dates, no coffee together, nothing.

Allow your system time to return to its "pre-boyfriend" balance.

Get clean.

Then think about your future.

Please, no matter how intoxicated you are on love, respect the person that you are, & give her the best chance at happiness that you can.

"I've never really told anyone that before, because I didn't want anyone I know to think that I am an insufferable elitist."

That is NOT elitist. Education gaps are very, very important--I know this from firsthand experience.

Sylvia has given you some great advice that I won't repeat, but would absolutely like to throw my support behind. You need some time away--and so does your boyfriend. And I agree that right now, while his son is so young and he is responsible for so much in the way of parenting and support, might not be the best time for him to return to school.

...and frankly, I cannot imaging being with a man who would ALLOW his girlfriend to pay his child support for him. That is just wrong on so many levels.

It sounds like you already know deep down inside that moving in with him
and helping support his goals is not what's best for you and your own future.
Please listen to that voice -- because it's there for your own good.
In fact, you might want to spend some time thinking about why you're trying so hard not to listen to that voice.
-- to find out why you're so tempted to pull an ostrich.

You sound like a very capable, competent and hard-working young woman, and I'm betting you've been very successful in college -- But I wonder if perhaps you're not a bit afraid of heading out into the 'real world' where the measures of success aren't the same -- where the 'game' is different, and you perhaps don't know how to play it? I'm wondering if you're not somehow viewing supporting him while he finishes college as a continued 'transition state' - not the 'real life' that otherwise awaits you just around the corner?

If this man is the right for you (and I'm not ruling that out) - he'll also want you to achive - to realize your own dreams. And he should recognize that going on to graduate school is what is necessary for you to do to reach those dreams -- and he should support you in your efforts to do that every bit as much as you would support him going back to college. And frankly, I also have to agree with the other posters who pointed out that if he truly wanted to go back to college, that he'd have done it by now. Could it be that he's really only saying he wants to because he's afraid of what your reaction would be if he didn't?

I know you're concerned about the education gap - and that's a valid concern. But a marriage can work with different education levels provided the two spouses each feel good about their own lives and acomplishments.

"I mean, this week I told him that I wanted to be Ann Coulter for Halloween (because she's SCARY) and I had to explain to him who she is. I feel like there are just very basic knowledge gaps between us. I've never really told anyone that before, because I didn't want anyone I know to think that I am an insufferable elitist."

Him getting a college degree is not the solution to this problem. Personally, I don't think an education gap is a significant relationship problem. I do think what you describe "basic knowledge gaps" is more of a problem, and college isn't the answer. Sounds (from a whole one example) that you are talking about current affairs/general knowledge of the world around you type of thing. You can be a college grad and ignorant of these kinds of things, and you can be a high school grad, or even drop-out, and be very well-informed. If he doesn't know who Ann Coulter is, it's not because he didn't learn about her in college, or because he needs a degree to understand the finer points of partisan hate-mongering. Any high school dropout can do that, if they're interested. He just isn't interested. College won't change that. You're either ok with him not being interested in the same things as you, or you're not.

I'm with Quirk's reasoning on this one. Even with a college degree, your boyfirend won't necessarily have the same interests as you do. And frankly, it sounds like you think of him as a "fixer-upper"- and really, that almost never works. You need to find a partner who already has the qualities you are looking for, rather than try to re-mould someone into your "ideal match".
And giving up grad school to support a grown man and pay his child support? Eek! As a mother I have no issues with my daughter living with her boyfriend but I would have HUGE issues with her putting her future education and finances at risk to do so.
Honey, I think you should go to grad school, eight hours away or not and let your boyfriend work it out for himself whether or not to go back to college. If he's serious about it, he will. If he's serious about you (and you about him), going to grad school and continuing to visit (as I presume you do now) will be enough- he should care about you so much that he wants the best for you. If not, better you find out before cutting off your avenues.

I don't want to be piling on here, but please add me to the list of people who are advising you to think again.

The other posters have all given you excellent advice -- I agree with all their points, so I won't repeat them. Especially read what Sweeby says about his concern -- or lack thereof -- about YOUR education and future, evidenced by his acquiescence in your plan to move there, where there is no program for you, to support him in doing what he could do -- and could already have done -- on his own. It sounds like he is a few years older than you are -- but I have to tell you, you show a lot more maturity than he does. That is NOT a good situation to be in.

Do listen to "that little voice." Ask yourself why you weren't comfortable being honest with your parents about this -- were you really afraid of them yelling or something? Or were you afraid you would hear something you know is right but don't want to face?

No one is saying that your boyfriend is a bad person. He deserves happiness, and you aren't wrong to love him. But we can't marry everyone we can love -- sometimes it's a bad fit, and sometimes it's just timing. It sounds to me like you suspect that he isn't really the guy for you, but it would feel like a denial of your love for him to admit it to yourself. It isn't; it just may be that you aren't a good fit for a life together, even if the timing hadn't been as bad as it is. If you do decide not to move there, you aren't abandoning him; you would be being kind and fair to him by not wasting his time when you know -- as he may not -- that a future together is unlikely.

By the way -- I think your costume idea is hilarious. Scariest thing I can think of!

Most certainly finacially supporting a grown man is a bad idea. I work full time and am in graduate school full time and I am OK. He will be too. If you will financially support him now you will regret it later (especially if your marriage won't work).