We joke about that in my family, and the joke always is for people who alwys give back stuff, make certain you give them soemthing you like, because you are going to get it back.

I don't have a problem with regifting, though I do keep track of who gave me what and don't give it back to the original giver unless it's something really generic (bottle of scotch, for instance) and there's been a time lapse of at least two years, and I know the person would really really like whatever it is I'm regifting.
Gifts I can't use (eg perfume, I'm allergic) that I don't think, Oh, Mary/John would just LOVE that! get donated to charity.
I'd give your SM a gift certificate from X store. That's anything!

Did they send these things to you because either or both of them actually 'forgot' that you gave them to them or because somebody wants to make a little point of telling you that your gifts (and presumably your presence) just aren't wanted in their lives? Either way, I think it's pretty crappy. I'd like to think that my parents would treasure anything I gave them, as a little piece of me, enough to not 'forget' I gave it to them.

In general, I don't necessarily think 're-gifting' has to be rude, but I'd think there a few pretty freaking obvious guidelines with it:

-First, and most obviously: DON'T 'RE-GIFT' THE GIFT BACK TO THE PERSON WHO GAVE IT TO YOU IN THE FIRST PLACE.

-Secondly, I think it's a bad idea and potentially quite hurtful between people who are close to one another. A holiday candle given to you by the 'Secret Santa' in your office whom you hardly know and re-gifted to the nice teller where you do your banking is fine.

-which ties into rule #3: make sure the original giver and the new recipient are unlikely to know each other or to see the gift in question in its new home.

-If you absolutely MUST re-gift a gift back to the person who gave it to you, there better be a very good reason for it, and this better be explained. Otherwise people, anyone, would be pretty hurt. The only two possible good explanations I can think of fall under either the "practical" (as in "you now need this neck massager more than me because of your recent whiplash") or the "sentimental" (as in "you gave me this handmade ornament on our first Christams as a blended family, and now taht this will be your first Christmas with YOUR new blended family, I want you to hang it on your tree this year"). Note that even the "sentimental" context should have a specific REASON for why you're getting back the sentimental object NOW, THIS YEAR, instead of once the person passes away or at some other more natural and logical time to receive it. If this is the explanation you wind up getting from your Dad and SM when you ask them about it, I'd say, "Oh yes of course, it's sentimental. How sweet of you! But I would have loved YOU to keep and enjoy it as long as possible. But I'm just curious, what is the occasion *this year* for returning it to me?"

Well, personally I would tell your dad that people are onto him. I mean, just so he at least knows that not everyone finds it funny. I would tell him that you don't mind, but others may mind.

I think the general rule of thumb on regifting is that you should not do it unless you say "so and so gave this to me and I cannot use it, but thought you may like it." At least that is what I saw on Oprah and it makes sense to me.

I decided that this year I am giving the adults in my life a charity gift card. With these you buy the card for x amount and then send to however. They can choose from like 100 different charities and donate the amount chosen by you in their name. I have decided that I am sick of mulling over what scent of candle to get for this person or does this person like this or that. I also decided that if it is something they want they have enough money to go buy what it is they want and if they cannot afford to buy it for themselves than neither can I. I am still getting gifts for the kiddies.

Serenity..."Did they send these things to you because either or both of them actually 'forgot' that you gave them to them or because somebody wants to make a little point of telling you that your gifts (and presumably your presence) just aren't wanted in their lives?"

Wow. Way to ignore what I wrote and read super deep into the subject.

I wrote... "As this is a trait of my father's (he forgets who gave him what, then thinks "I'll bet DD would like that" and sends it off) I'm not really offended, it's just kind of funny."

It's just as I wrote it. He forgets. He is very forgetful. He also left his gifts last Christmas, and those of my SM. I had to mail them to him. Because he forgot them. Also, a cashmere sweater that he loves, and a book, and a cd, all of which he brought with him and forgot when he left to go home. He really likes giving stuff, and my SM has a LOT of stuff, so when they clean house they send me off stuff. Sometimes the very stuff I sent them.

Example of a weird gift. My dad rented a wrestling video from Blockbuster. It fell behind the couch. He ended up having to buy it. Then he found it. So he sent it to my Grandpa. The DVD, still in the 2 day rental box from BB. Hahahahahaha! My aunts and I still laugh, remembering the look on Grandpa's face that he thought he had two days to watch and return it!

That's just who he is. I think it's funny, because it's been going on my whole life but others don't.

btw, Silversword, in your scenario I am presuming a background context of a less-than-secure relationship between you and Dad & SM, based on your being on this forum and some of the things you've described. Again, I think it's a matter of people considering the context. In a relationship where there's mostly harmony, trust and long-standing goodwill, receiving the package you described might just be a humorous oddity ("there goes Dad and his 'absent-minded professor' brain") and wouldn't run the risk of being taken personally because it would be one tiny minor iffy occurence in a relationship that has years of trust and secure love to 'back it up'. But in a context where there have been a number of other things which have had the end result of making you (and perhaps them too) feeling less-than-secure in the family bond, it runs the risk of sending that message of "we don't really value these things, and they're not important to us" and if the situation is REALLY bad: "really, YOU'RE not very important to us."

So I guess it kind of more depends on whether this package was a fluke incident or part of a larger pattern which has had the end result of making you feel that your bond to your father is on shaky ground. In the relationship between you all, which predominates: trust or mistrust? secure loving bonds or ever-present fear of a rift?

Colleen, good suggestion, and that's pretty much how I regift too. I'm not above it, I'm just careful about it.

As for the certificate, she really thinks they are impersonal. It's kind of a lose-lose situation (I think she just likes to complain).

I've started doing gifts homemade with my daughter for holidays. Everyone gets the "same" gift, homemade by my dd, and they seem to like it. It's creating a memory, inexpensive, and cuts out the whole "finding something that is 'just right' for each person" stress factor I hate about the holidays.

I'd err on the side of caution & not do it myself if I had any doubt.

I've been on the receiving end of "re-gifting" a couple of times, both of which involved very generic "gifts" that were obviously something someone had been given by an employer or client (a basket of small packages of gourmet coffees, etc), & it opened my eyes to the "giver's" tackiness.

so I wouldn't risk making myself look tacky as well.

If I were in your situation, I think I'd take it with a grain of salt but change my style of giving.

Give him a gift certificate or cash or, as someone said above, a donation in his name to a charity.

Depending on the nature of the griping & the economic status of the gripers, you could either tip him off that some of his relatives have been a little hurt that he gave them things that had been given to him, or you could tip them off that Dad grew up with "waste not want not", & neither you nor they will ever change him.

I wish you the best.

Silversword, I think what's most important is that YOU aren't hurt by it. If you're not, then there's no reason to go looking to be hurt. In other words, you know YOUR family relationships best. Other people in your family may have had their own unpleasant associations with a similar situation and be coming from a different perspective. In my case with my Dad & SM, I'd have those prior negative associations because of the larger pattern of her removing my photos and stashing away gifts I've given my Dad in 'That Somewhere Place'. But that is ME, and your family members are your family members. If you have not had that be a predominate experience or pattern of experiences in your life, then there probably ISN'T any reason for YOU to take that package in any unduly bad way. If you're unsure about whether or not you think there were any bad intentions, listen to your OWN heart and gut. If your gut is telling you it's a jab, it very well could be. But if you can't even muster up any hurt feelings over it, then the likelihood is greater that there really is NO JAB. Definitely better to err on the side of positive assumptions then. YOU know your particular relationships and situation best.

btw, Sylvia, it's got nothing to do with money (at least for me it doesn't). Given *MY* situation with my Dad & SM (and not speaking for any other), I'd much rather receive NO Christmas present than receive a bunch of things I'd lovingly given them, sent back to me all at once in a box. (Except, of course, if either of them had passed away or there was a clear and understandable reason I was getting these things back before either of them would otherwise be done cherishing them.) It has nothing at all to do with dollar values and everything to do with feelings. In MY circumstances, my feelings make sense. For other people, there are any number of other possible reactions. The only risks of "re-gifting", to me, are not that people will think you're CHEAP (I'm pretty poor myself, and if people held some of my gifts against me based on price alone, I'd be up a creek myself) but that if it gets back to the original giver, that original giver could feel that their gift was rejected or not good enough for the re-giftER, not the re-giftEE.

Silver - I would just give her a gift card to whatever store she says she likes. No sense continuing that cycle if you know it's happening. BUT, along with that gift card....how about a nice framed picture????? LOL! Just kidding! (couldn't resist)

I see nothing wrong with regifting. I've done it several times, although I make sure not to give the gift back to the person who gave it to me. And my sister does it to me all the time. I'm cool with it. Sometimes we get stuff that just isn't our taste. I don't see why we should hang onto things.

In your father's case, I'm sure he's just absent-minded, just as you said. Actually, it's kind of comical that he does it!

We have a running joke in our family to check and see if our mom left the price-tag on anything. She's HORRIBLE about that! When we help her with gifts for others outside our immediate family, we always make sure to take the price-tags off. But if she's already wrapped it, well, I guess my cousin will know that the vase she's giving her cost $3.99 at Dollar General. LMAO!

Sylvia, thank you. I will continue to send my dad things I think he would like. :) I got him something specific that he said he wanted last Christmas that would be really hard to re-gift... so for one year I won't be getting it back! LOL. By the way, it doesn't happen with everything I send, just some things. And, he doesn't even really like getting gifts because he says "how many t-shirts do I need, anyway!" He's kind of a minimalist.

Honestly, Dad is just a little slow about gifts and "face". Anyone who doesn't know that about him will learn it pretty quick. I just laugh when someone says something and say "that's dad for you", and usually the subject is dropped. He means well, and isn't that the point?

I have no problem with regifting or returning/exhanging a gift, although I admit if someone returned everything I ever gave them, I'd probably feel a bit peeved (if I thought they were just being impossible to please) or frustrated (if I thought I just couldn't figure out something they'd like). Mainly I have no problem with it because I rarely if ever do it, and I see the results... things I can't use/don't like that sit around my house cluttering things up until I get over the idea that I can't just throw out a lovely gift someone gave me, and throw it out (and this process generally takes years... I've packed and moved things I knew I would never use because it was a gift from so-and-so). So if I give a gift to someone else, presumably someone I like, would I prefer they do what I do and let it become clutter and eventually trash, or exchange it for something they'd like, or give it to someone else who might use and enjoy it?

if I buy gifts of clothes i give a gift receipt, so they can exchange sizes if it does not fit. I think that if somehting realy does not work for them, they should be able to exchange it. I gave BF some itmes of clothing for his birthday and he didn't want to hurt my feelings so he kept it and acted all happy. But items didn't fit right and one was too itchy and he never wore them. I wished he told me right away so we could exchange. I'd rather people not keep what they do not need but exchange it. If people are difficult to shop for, then give them gift cards.

Ashley...
"BUT, along with that gift card....how about a nice framed picture?????"

ROTFLMBO!!!!!!!!!!! I did give them a framed picture of me and my DD one year, because my father does not take pictures at all (and if he does, the heads are always cut off!!). They have it on a bookshelf. Since I personally don't hang pictures on the wall, and actually since I moved have not hung anything on the wall (I know I know, but I'm waiting to paint first...groan) I only have a few framed pics of my dd on my desk. I have no family pics up, nor would I really want them up. Just not my style.

Silver--

I stick by what I wrote earlier about there being absolutely no need to go looking for hurt where there is none intended, and I think we can agree that your Dad is genuinely forgetful and had no bad intent with the box. (Im pretty much convinced thatÂs the case with my dad too, despite my SMÂs attempts at Âunited front which in her version is Âsubstitute-her-wants-for-hisÂ.)

But I think I was just a bit confused as to what you were getting at with even bringing up the box at all, which is why I first asked the question I asked, which linked your Dad & SM together, which was the post that elicited this reaction from you:

"Wow. Way to ignore what I wrote and read super deep into the subject."

...which I found curious and maybe even slightly overdetermined in its defense of your Dad, because I knew you'd had some issues before involving your stuff, your SM, your Dad and frustrations with feeling that her wants/needs predominate to the point of driving a wedge in your relationship with your father. (Not that this means start blaming and being mad at your Dad, but he is in fact a part of all these things.) These impressions of mine are based on some of your first posts on this forum a few months ago, such as this one:

"Me going to visit family and leaving a box of photographs and yearbooks with my dad to store, her moving them out onto the driveway under a tarp and ruining the majority of them, then saying my dad moved them because they were taking up space in his office. Which he'd never do, because he rarely uses his office, I was only gone for three months..."

I think MY confusion comes from the fact that you wrote that your Dad and SM *together* sent you this box you're writing about today, and this fact alone makes it harder to determine exactly whose idea it was, and therefore what reaction you may or may not have. And given the two very different intentions you've described each of them having toward you (SM sabotages your stuff and plays innocent, and Dad just 'forgets' and IS innocent of bad intent), it wouldnÂt necessarily be a box with one Âunified messageÂ. I guess I have a few new questions:

-who do you think was primarily the decision-maker in sending you this box, Dad or SM? Does that make a difference to you, either way?

-If you found out that SM was the one who decided to send it (with your Dad mostly going along with it), would it change how you feel about it being sent to you?

-Did you just receive this box recently? Was there a special occasion like your birthday which occasioned it being sent to you NOW? (I mean, given that Christmas is two months away...)

Please understand: I am truly NOT trying to convince you that you should take it badly or start being mad at anyone, especially your Dad. I generally believe in dwelling on the positive, as well as in a certain dignified refusal to ALLOW what *may* have been a jab to 'get to you'. And if you choose to not, yourself, look into it or ask them about it further simply to preserve peace and not push an issue, that is understandable and one perfectly valid choice among many to make. But on the other hand I also think it's important to be honest with yourself about your doubts, if you have any, to be able to have a true picture of what you really feel, as well as being able to accurately spot any b.s. from someone when it may be occuring because you don't have to 'just accept' any and all b.s. that comes your way. Picking battles is very important, but that also inherently means that some battles ARE in fact worth waging. (I am struggling myself with whether or not I should address the issue of pictures/gifts and their disappearance with my Dad because it keeps hurting me afresh every time I visit, and thus far I have not said a word to them about it. Do I address it with my Dad, even though I highly suspect it is SM who is removing these things? Do I address it with her, even though there is a slight possibility that HE is removing them, to please HER? Do I or do I not have a right to speak up about somebody else removing evidence of my existence and my feeling negated by it? Or is it just 'their house, their rules'? *IS* it 'just stuff' or does the power of objects ---and their being 'out of sight, out of mind'--- have too much negative potential to sabotage our connection? Do I just LET this happen and hope it doesn't 'work', or do I step in and try to stop it? If my Dad is actually losing his connection to me because of 'out of sight out of mind', do I or do I not have an obligation to do what I can to maintain that connection in my absence, including proactively continuing to keep giving him new stuff/pictures as I have been doing? Is that ALL I am allowed to do about it, or do I also have the right to cut to the chase and address the core problem directly, with words and feelings instead of photos and trinkets?)

I guess I am just wondering to what extent YOU link SM (and any possible intent of hers) into the sending of the box, given that you stated today that she co-sent it along with your Dad, and given what you've written before about her and your stuff. And if that changes anything as to how you'd approach it, or not.

Serenity...

I did write this, but this happened over 12 years ago... "Me going to visit family and leaving a box of photographs and yearbooks with my dad to store, her moving them out onto the driveway under a tarp and ruining the majority of them, then saying my dad moved them because they were taking up space in his office. Which he'd never do, because he rarely uses his office, I was only gone for three months..."

To answer your questions:
1. who do you think was primarily the decision-maker in sending you this box, Dad or SM? Does that make a difference to you, either way?

Probably my dad. She only sends packages to my dd in the past, and it had his handwriting on the package. But that doesn't mean she didn't help pack it up. I have no idea. Does it matter to me? Not really, like I said, my feelings aren't hurt, I just posted that example because I was curious what other people thought about regifting.

2.Did you just receive this box recently? Was there a special occasion like your birthday which occasioned it being sent to you NOW? (I mean, given that Christmas is two months away...)

Yes, that's why I wrote "I recently got a package from my father and stepmother." No special occasion, that's just something my dad does. He sends an assortment of things, little toys for my daughter, books he's read and thinks I might enjoy, and the occasional re-gift from their home that (I assume) he thinks I'd like.

3. I guess I am just wondering to what extent YOU link SM (and any possible intent of hers) into the sending of the box, given that you stated today that she co-sent it along with your Dad, and given what you've written before about her and your stuff. And if that changes anything as to how you'd approach it, or not.

I didn't link her to it at all. She's difficult to buy for, but that's my only gripe regarding gifts and her. I'm not going to do anything about it personally because this is my dad's habit, he's always done this, and I find comical and endearing, and I'm flattered that he takes the time to find things he thinks I may like, package them up, go to the PO and send them off. It's the feeling behind the gift that matters, right?

I think your situation is sad. I would say something about the pictures disappearing.

Pictures are so weird though! One year my in-laws, now ex-in-laws, asked what I wanted for the holidays. I said a family picture, them, me, their son, our dd, and their daughter. We went to take the pics at their friends house who is a professional photographer. Well, the pics turned out not so fabulous (meaning I didn't look like a movie star and neither did the SIL). But, they were fine, we were all smiling, etc. I found out that after we left, the SIL and the parents went back and took BETTER pictures. HAHAHAHAHA. Can you say narcissistic?

"Do I or do I not have a right to speak up about somebody else removing evidence of my existence and my feeling negated by it?"

Yes, you have a right to speak up if you feel negated. They have a right to say it's none of your business and it's their home and they will do what they like with it. But that would be really cruel. I'd ask. At least then you would know what's going on. I find being in the dark about these things harder than finding out the truth.

Just a question, was there an occasion for a gift or did the box just arrive? I ask because when my parents got older and started to declutter their home we were each offered the gifts we gave them if they were things they were getting rid of.

Silver,

Okay, makes sense. Just wasn't sure what --if any-- extra layer was added by SM's involvement in it per your feelings abou it. If this is something your Dad regularly does, and you yourself don't feel bothered by it, then yeah, no need to look any further into it at all.

As for what to get her, I think the gift card to the store she likes is fine. I don't see anything wrong or tacky with gift cards (in many cases they're a lot more practical, especially if it's clothes or shoes, because the recipient can try stuff on, etc.) but if you think she might find it tacky per her own gifting code of etiquette or feel like you didn't make enough effort to select something, then maybe find her the most simple, 'classic', 'goes with anything' piece in the store. Something like a pair of silver hoop earrings or a nicely-made white t-shirt that practically every woman at some point wears no matter what their "style" is.

Silver, if your SM doesn't go for gift certificates, ask her to shortlist, say, five items for you to choose from, so you'll know she really likes it. And don't necessarily pick the cheapest one ;-) or the most expensive, that will only encourage her for next year ;-)