Some events are so traditionally gift giving occasions (weddings) I agree people will ALWAYS bring a gift. When I see "no gifts" in anniversary invites I "read" No cutesy "50th" kitchy crap. If I know the person well I most likely have a "have to give" idea--picture/memento from back in the day I feel compelled to give, regardless of what was asked for. I agree I find registry info more offensive than "no gifts" instructions no matter how it is given. I appreciate the heck out of these instructions when the event is a second/third marriage or a situation where people already have plenty!! While the charity offer is nice, I don't see the point. Gifts are to evoke memories or to help someone get started, in my mind...if neither are needed--well I just don't GET IT.

LOL!!!! KD, I think the guys I'm thinking of were using their mixers for thinks like waffle batter (I just use a whisk for that), cupcakes (good Daddy), and stiff peaked eggwhites for baked omelettes. That would be an interesting thread, though. ... What's the weirdest thing you ever made in your mixer? :) Kaysd said it well--the memorable big ticket item is it exactly. Especially nowadays when they give couples the scanner gun and they pick things like spatulas, they may get a lot of matched things and stuff they need, but a couple of young recent brides I know have felt kind of let down by a lot of their gifts. Not unappreciative, but just kind of flat. They were all things off the registry, in the store's standard wrapping. No surprises, not many Wow gifts. Generous ones were more of the box full of stuff variety than the single memorable big ticket one. No clever gifties at the shower. Not many really special things for the wedding. It's all very efficient, but there aren't the warm memories. When I was in college and couldn't afford an expensive shower gift, I got some utensils and a box grater at the dime store and wired them together to make a robot. For a wedding, I'd give what I called the "crystal gift certificate". That's a small crystal (or silver, or whatever) serving piece that fit my budget, which could be easily exchanged. They never were exchanged, however. Sometimes, that was the only "fine" piece the couple got and they loved to have it. I can afford to give lovely presents now, but I try to put as much thought and effort into them as I did when I had to be clever. That's what people love and remember. It's not really about the stuff. It's about helping the new couple create a home and giving them lasting things that will bring lovely memories to them over the years as they use them.

Silver-- I stick by what I wrote earlier about there being absolutely no need to go looking for hurt where there is none intended, and I think we can agree that your Dad is genuinely forgetful and had no bad intent with the box. (Im pretty much convinced thatÂs the case with my dad too, despite my SMÂs attempts at Âunited front which in her version is Âsubstitute-her-wants-for-hisÂ.) But I think I was just a bit confused as to what you were getting at with even bringing up the box at all, which is why I first asked the question I asked, which linked your Dad & SM together, which was the post that elicited this reaction from you: "Wow. Way to ignore what I wrote and read super deep into the subject." ...which I found curious and maybe even slightly overdetermined in its defense of your Dad, because I knew you'd had some issues before involving your stuff, your SM, your Dad and frustrations with feeling that her wants/needs predominate to the point of driving a wedge in your relationship with your father. (Not that this means start blaming and being mad at your Dad, but he is in fact a part of all these things.) These impressions of mine are based on some of your first posts on this forum a few months ago, such as this one: "Me going to visit family and leaving a box of photographs and yearbooks with my dad to store, her moving them out onto the driveway under a tarp and ruining the majority of them, then saying my dad moved them because they were taking up space in his office. Which he'd never do, because he rarely uses his office, I was only gone for three months..." I think MY confusion comes from the fact that you wrote that your Dad and SM *together* sent you this box you're writing about today, and this fact alone makes it harder to determine exactly whose idea it was, and therefore what reaction you may or may not have. And given the two very different intentions you've described each of them having toward you (SM sabotages your stuff and plays innocent, and Dad just 'forgets' and IS innocent of bad intent), it wouldnÂt necessarily be a box with one Âunified messageÂ. I guess I have a few new questions: -who do you think was primarily the decision-maker in sending you this box, Dad or SM? Does that make a difference to you, either way? -If you found out that SM was the one who decided to send it (with your Dad mostly going along with it), would it change how you feel about it being sent to you? -Did you just receive this box recently? Was there a special occasion like your birthday which occasioned it being sent to you NOW? (I mean, given that Christmas is two months away...) Please understand: I am truly NOT trying to convince you that you should take it badly or start being mad at anyone, especially your Dad. I generally believe in dwelling on the positive, as well as in a certain dignified refusal to ALLOW what *may* have been a jab to 'get to you'. And if you choose to not, yourself, look into it or ask them about it further simply to preserve peace and not push an issue, that is understandable and one perfectly valid choice among many to make. But on the other hand I also think it's important to be honest with yourself about your doubts, if you have any, to be able to have a true picture of what you really feel, as well as being able to accurately spot any b.s. from someone when it may be occuring because you don't have to 'just accept' any and all b.s. that comes your way. Picking battles is very important, but that also inherently means that some battles ARE in fact worth waging. (I am struggling myself with whether or not I should address the issue of pictures/gifts and their disappearance with my Dad because it keeps hurting me afresh every time I visit, and thus far I have not said a word to them about it. Do I address it with my Dad, even though I highly suspect it is SM who is removing these things? Do I address it with her, even though there is a slight possibility that HE is removing them, to please HER? Do I or do I not have a right to speak up about somebody else removing evidence of my existence and my feeling negated by it? Or is it just 'their house, their rules'? *IS* it 'just stuff' or does the power of objects ---and their being 'out of sight, out of mind'--- have too much negative potential to sabotage our connection? Do I just LET this happen and hope it doesn't 'work', or do I step in and try to stop it? If my Dad is actually losing his connection to me because of 'out of sight out of mind', do I or do I not have an obligation to do what I can to maintain that connection in my absence, including proactively continuing to keep giving him new stuff/pictures as I have been doing? Is that ALL I am allowed to do about it, or do I also have the right to cut to the chase and address the core problem directly, with words and feelings instead of photos and trinkets?) I guess I am just wondering to what extent YOU link SM (and any possible intent of hers) into the sending of the box, given that you stated today that she co-sent it along with your Dad, and given what you've written before about her and your stuff. And if that changes anything as to how you'd approach it, or not.

There's a lot of hairsplitting going on here. We all know what a re-gift is and what it isn't. Let's not pretend that re-gifting is anything but CONVENIENT. I'm not sure that I have ever received a re-gift and really I wouldn't care if I did. In fact, I'm happy to receive any gift at all and would never turn my nose up at a gift no matter what it might be or where it came from. But I draw the line at GIVING a re-gift because my conscience just wouldn't let me. As I said before, for me, a gift is about the process of giving but most importantly the thought. I just couldn't RE-WRAP a gift and pretend that I was thinking of that person when picking out their very special gift. It's simply DISINGENOUS. Now, if a one-in-a-million chance happens that I received a red scarf as a gift and I just knew that that red scarf was going to save the life of a colicy baby - well I might just rethink my policy on re-gifting . . . A gift is more than it's simplistic definition of "the transfer of something without the expectation of receiving something in return." and we ALL know it.