You did the right thing. The inhaler was a need, not a want. IF the kid forgets the instrument next week, no one should take it for him. Missing an instrument isnt on the scale of disaster, and if people keep taking things to school for the kid, the kid wont learn.

But what is disturbing is the obvious level of anger you have about being asked to take the inhaler. Its very possible the mom is just not a highly organized person, and you are. Everyone has different strengths and different talents. YOur anger at the mom is misplaced. If indeed she is a careless person, etc, then accept it, without denigrating the woman. Otherwise the anger and frustration will eat you up, and negatively affect your entire household. I am sure you also have your strenghts, and weaknesses.

Being a mom, or a stepmom, is a lot easier when we accept that other people are human beings, and wont do things the way we do, and that doesnt make them bad or wrong, just different. Our own worth doesnt depend on putting someone else down, particularly since none of us are perfect.

If you resent doing these things, dont do them. Set the guideline that you wont, because you dont think its your job to do it, and stick to it. Doing it, and then resenting it and badmouthing people only perpetuates the negativity, and in the long run, will hurt everyone, you, your husband, your kids, mom, and anyone else unfortunate enough to be caught in it.

You cant control what other people do but you CAN control your response to it.

What are you going to court for anyway? and is going to court a frequent thing?

That's SO frustrating Cawfe!
But I think you may really be onto something --

"NCP is trying to sabotage NCPself... by using the courts as a scapegoat so NCP has someone to blame for not having to spend time with children"

It sounds like NCP is really a mess. And that she is trying to get the court to limit her time with the kids. That way, she can be "blameless" when she doesn't see them.

The question is why? Does she have a substance problem? Maybe one that's gone undetected? Is she depressed? Does she want to be free to run wild and party? Is her self-esteem so low that she figures the kids are better off without her in their lives? Is she so bone-lazy that she can't even be bothered? Is she so messed up about the divorce and her "failure" as a wife and mother that she views herself as "worthless" and is making that a self-fulfilling prophecy?

Why doesn't she want to see her kids?

Solving that riddle may lead to some help for help, which will reduce the burden on you and could help the kids immeasurably.

Kathline, you are rigth, there is a lot of anger here. I do see some inconsistencies between the theory that a married couple is a team, and then SAHM, wife of CP being upset at going to drugstore. I know when I worked less hours than X, I went to dry cleaners, etc. for him. Cawfe, I can hear you agravated, but I think maybe you might consider when you do these things, you are doing them for your dh, the CP, not the XW. So what if you feel she made bad decision. Do you have any idea how many times momCP has to deal with dad forgetting things, and still have to get to work on time? How many times MomCP has to juggle leaving early because dad wont see child as agreed to. And then has to worry about job v. family? I hear that you are angry. Kids lose inhalers, retainers, etc. It happens. And if it happens on Moms watch, then you have to deal with it. Dont these things last? Maybe the child should have an extra.

Cawfe, I can understand entirely why you are fed up with BioMom. For goodness sake, if your child has a MEDICAL PRESCRIPTION, and it is NECESSARY for him to have this daily, then how on earth could you, as any kind of a parent, drop him off at school without it, and then, when realizing he doesn't have it, decide you can't be bothered to do something FOR YOUR OWN CHILD? And to send the other child to school on a rainy day without a coat? I am hardpressed to believe this woman cares about her children at all.

I guess it would be easier to take as a stepmom if BioMom wasn't always critical of you to the children, reminding them they don't have to listen to you because you are not their parent, never mind the fact that you do more parenting things for them than she does.

Anyway, take a deep breath and be glad you were able to help the kids out this time.

Its not the laundry or inhalers coats or any "thing" in particular.... why doesn't NCP have to do normal parenting things????? Still waiting for someone to define my role as a SM.

Why is acceptable for NCP to put off everything relating to parenting upon CP......?????

Yes single mom's and single dad's do it but why?

If my ex dropped off the kids at school and I was already at work you can bet he would be the one going back home to get the inhaler I wouldn't be getting out of work to bring an inhaler. Child was with him forgotten item is at his house he can get it and bring it to school.

If your ex dropped kids off at school with out an inhaler ... would you just let it go? or would it be a point of disagreement?

How many extras should we have hanging around??? and who should pay for the extras? only 1 every 25 days is covered by insurance.

Sweeby?? are you the narcissism poster.... all running together at this point. but if you are is this a part of the narcissism... even if its not legitimately diagnosed maybe it would/could get me to react differently because then I know no matter what is expected of her she will only do it if it benefits her.... regardless of the outcome on her children or how it effects her children. Guess I just answered the riddle. :(

How can I oversetep if no one else makes a move.

No worries about forgotten inhalers again ... one at school. Good thing there was a refill available what if there wasn't .... what do you do then?

They go to court every 4-6 months.

If hubby was the one posting would you tell him suck it up or make her be a mom?

An inhaler is the only item I will bring to school.

Now have fun picking apart what I had to say ....

:-)

Sweeby?? are you the narcissism poster....

Sweeby does have an exh that was diagnosed with NPD. I too am dealing with a person who I believe has NPD. IMO, what you are describing is not NPD. ItÂs lots of other things which all equal to a person you cannot count on and you will drive yourself crazy if you try to. She is not going to change  donÂt expect her to. Fortunately for the kids  they have you and their dad to pick up the slack. You did the right thing and you will continue to do the right thing because you are a woman of character. Does your dh appreciate your help? ThatÂs all you need :-)

How can I oversetep if no one else makes a move.

Do you really need the validation of those on this board who think you are overstepping? Do their views of you really count? Have they really earned that much respect from you???

Cawfe, I dont think the child's mom is going to change. You have to decide -- is your relationship with your dh worth putting up with forgotten inhalers, etc. You have to accept what you can not change, and decide how to deal with it. If getting rahrahs from other sms on this board helps you, then so be it.

It is acceptable for NCPs (who are mostly men -- 90-95%) to do this, becuase they can get away with it.

Single mom and dads do things for our children without help from ncp becuase we love our children. I dont think that my hate for anyone could ever be stronger than my love for my DD.

It is clear that the problem is not with aht needs to be done, but wiht the fact that op has to do it when bm chooses not to. Now, op being a SAHW, cannot be compared to a single mom, with a job. Single mom with a job cannot do all the things a SAHW has the time and additional suport of huby to get done.

Maybe this is why bm feels that CP and SM should be able to pick up the slack with the kids the she shares with ex hus.

Maybe she is resentful that ex hus has now a two parent home for kids, whie she is having a harder time on her own.

I do not believe that she doesn't love them, but that she feels a right to give less because in her situation keeping up with the other parent is impossible.

Now that said, there is nothing cawfe can do to change what she does with her kids, like it or not. Cawfe should just come to terms with her position is this situation, she cannot control. The loss of control, and not kowing when Bm's actions will affect you, to seemingly pick up her slack, is frustrating. But there is little you can do about it, if you want lasting peace.

And it seems that bm is uder the imression that picking up where she falls short is ex hubby's job, as co-parent of their kids. They had them together, she probably never inended to be raising them without his support in her home, so he has to pick up where she leaves off, now that he is out of the home they had their kids in.

What can anyone do about that.

"Maybe this is why bm feels that CP and SM should be able to pick up the slack with the kids the she shares with ex hus."

I would maybe agree with this but the mom is currently not working. She is, essentially, a stay-at-home-noncustodial-parent (SAHNCP) who still will not rise to the occassion and take care of her children depending instead upon telling the stepmom what, when and how stepmom should do the things that the SAHNCP refuses to do. Ouch, I personally can feel myself becoming irritated just typing the situation. Those who oppose Cawfe, just do me a favor: stop for one second, put yourself in her position. Yes, the only thing Cawfe can control is her reaction but please, just think about how YOU would feel. Taken advantage of? Over and over again?? It's very easy to tell someone to take the first step, be the bigger person but not so easy when you are the one swallowing your anger, pride and self-respect to cater to people who look down their noses at you...

The mother rightly called the father and told him that she had forgotten, and expected him to do something about it. It was HIS problem. Cawfee did this for him.

I am sure cawfe does feel taken advantage of, and no, thats not a wrong reaction. What I am hopefully trying to get across is that focusing on what the mother does or doesnt do is counterproductive. There could be many many reasons why the mom isnt as involved as she should be, and its not helpful to anyone to focus anger on the mom. The mother could be depressed. Or overstressed financially. Or in the middle of any kind of personal difficulty that isnt common knowledge. It is NOT our place, as stepmothers, to pass judgement on our stepchildren's mothers, nor is it their place to pass judgement on our husbands.

Sometimes I am half convinced that a lot of the problems come from husbands who expect the stepwife to fill his shoes in dealing with the kids, because he doesnt want to get involved, or wont get involved for whatever reason.

Cawfee is tearing herself up with anger, which is bound to overflow onto the entire family. If it becomes a way of life, it will negatively impact her marriage and her relationship with her stepchildren.

It would be more productive of her to let the anger go,set the boundaries on doing things that she is comfortable with, and stop being so obsessed with what she sees as poor behaviour on the mother's part.

LIving a life of resentment, anger, and condemnation isnt doing anyone any good.

Its no accident that family experts suggest the best way to make a stepfamily work is for the stepparent to limit doing things that are traditionally parent jobs. Our role really isnt to be their mother. They already have a mother, and its not our place to say that their mother isnt good enough ( in most cases. There are always exceptions) Our place is to be like a big sister or an aunti...concerned, caring, helpful, but not directly responsible for the child's actions.

I am having a hard time understanding why anyone goes back to court every four to six months, unless both father and mother have serious issues and niether of them is willing to put the kids first. Life isnt supposed to be a battlefield

And lonepiper, my X has a fulltime stay at home non-parent. and you know what, I still have do everything for DD. But so what. And I think Cawfee's stepchildren's mother is temporarily out of work. For some people jobs come and go. Being out of work can be stressful. But so what. Cawfee has to decide -- is this making her life unbearable and/or does she want to make her stepchildrens lives unbearable, or does she want to say, OK some people may not be cut out to be parents, and I will go on. Only she can make that decision.

Kathline - How is the BioMom's carelessness and irresponsibility Dad's problem? SHE made a mistake, and SHE should be the one to fix it. Not Dad, just because he has custody, and not Cawfe as Dad's proxy.

Yes, I'm the one with a NPD Ex. And actually, even HE would acknowledge that it was his problem if he had forgotten something essential like an inhaler. But as someone with NPD, his own time is much too important for 'trivial errands' like that, so he would delegate it to StepMom, and lucky for me, she's kind enough to do it. And as a NCP, if I forgot it, I would of course go home and fetch it myself. How could I pass that off as Ex's problem with a straight face?

Cawfe - Your husband's Ex doesn't sound quite like someone with NPD to me. An NPD parent would be all about Disney, all grand gestures and 'show.' She'd be feeding them their favorite junk foods (not nothing), and buy them flashy clothes and toys and telling Dad that was his child support money for the month. A NPD parent would never tell the kids she couldn't afford to buy them something, she'd show up for all the 'facetime' events, and she might even be 'gracious to the little people'. She'd be a master manipulator -- so much that it wouldn't be so obvious she's not pulling her weight. An NPD mother is 'Mother of the Year' and would parade her kids around at every opportunity. She might not actually want custody, but she'd fight like anything to get it, because it looks bad for a mom not to have at least joint custody.

That said, she doesn't sound at all well, mentally. It sounds to me like you hit the nail on the head with the self-sabotage comment. And if NPD isn't the reason, I really do wonder what is. Did she and Dad go to counseling before they divorced? Would Dad have any insight? Or is he an emotionally-clueless kind of guy?

The mother said she had an appointment. What kind of appointment - a job interview? a doctor's appointment she had waited 3 months to get? or something less important?

My exH was out of work for over two years, yet still exercised visitation only occasionally. He specifically refused to do anything that would in any way be helpful to me, even if it was also helpful to the children. I had to be very careful not to let him know if I was planning on doing anything while he had visitation, so that he wouldn't cancel it. In his words, he wasn't a "babysitter" and he had "other responsibilities" that did not include his children. He made it very clear that the NCP has ABSOLUTELY no responsibilities when it comes to the children.

Yet I have had people say how "nice" it is that he takes them to McD's once a week, like he is father of the year.

"Yet I have had people say how "nice" it is that he takes them to McD's once a week, like he is father of the year."

That has to be the saddest thing I've heard all day. I'm sorry for your kids and for the obvious resentment and annoyance those statements must cause you.

"He made it very clear that the NCP has ABSOLUTELY no responsibilities when it comes to the children.

Yet I have had people say how "nice" it is that he takes them to McD's once a week, like he is father of the year."

Wait TOS...are you complaining about the ncp? When I do that I get torn to shreads! He at least takes his kids to MCD's once a week and buys them a meal..that is one less meal you have to provide. I bet he pays child support too? The NCP in our case does neither...no weekly meal out or child support. We do not even get that occasional "babysitter" that your ex referred to......but oh ya wait....I do not have the right to complain.......I forgot I did not give birth to the children...I just mother them! I wonder what it would be like to have a night away from the kids....thats right---that is a BM advantage. Stepmoms like me aren't allowed....we should be slaves....like cawfe for instance. She should be running around all day filling inhalers and picking up instruments...BM's are much to busy for such little details! We stepmoms should do that stuff, but not take credit for it. We are merely our dh's proxies. BM's should not be held responsible for that stuff...I am sure her appt. was so much more important that her son being able to breathe!!! As stepmoms we should always pick up the BM's slack and do whatever it is she is too busy or forgetful to do. Remember...we knew our DH's had kids when we met them. Wasn't there a clause in the marriage certificates that stated our jobs were to be indentured servants who could eventually be freed of our thankless jobs when the skids turn 18?

I dont think running for an inhaler makes someone a slave. And many single moms would love to be in the position that Cawfe is, having enough support to stay home. If she or you feel it isnt fair, discuss with your DH.

I think that the inhaler incident is just another example of CAWFE being a better mom to those kids than their BM is.

Yes many single moms would love to stay at home. But that does not make it right that the BM expects CAWFE,( who is the "unimportant-not supposed to have anything to do with the skids" stepmom) to take better care of her kids than she does. The BM knows full well that the dad works and was going out of town. So she knew that the burden of running around would fall on CAWFE's shoulders again. Isn't CAWFE the one who has to take the "oh so wonderful" BM grocery shopping because the BM can't afford groceries or control her own kids? Ya KKNY and TOS your so right..all BM's are just so wonderful and stepmoms are just so horrible! I bet it is CAWFE's fault that the BM can't afford groceries....if CAWFE was not a SAHM raising her skids the mom could be sitting home collecting welfare and child support and then maybe she could support herself and the kids....right?

My dh's ex made a dumb comment like that a while back....that she would not have financial problems if she had the kids. When he asked her how she could get her car repossessed and not afford to pay any cs, but could support the kids if they lived with her her reply was "well I would get child support!!"

I didnt say it was cawfe's fault, I just dont see this situation as the "slavery" you call it. I think your being a little overdramatic. But you and cawfee can go back to your martrydom/anger etc.

Only 5 to 10% of divorced men have full custody. Mom, being stuck with all, is at lot more common.

mom2emall,

Yes, he pays child support. Sort of. When all the kids were home, it was $4.98 a day per child. School lunch alone costs $2.15. I pay almost all the extracurricular expenses, college expenses (along with the kids), and medical expenses. That one meal is really going to help a whole lot.

You have two adults to manage your household, to clean, to earn money, to cook, to run errands. I work a full-time and a part-time job, have raised six kids, (for approaching 10 years all by myself), and have had at most two "nights off" in over a quarter of a century. And one of those times my exH called to threaten to dump our toddler on my doorstep if she didn't stop crying, so I worried all night about her being miserable. So don't complain to me about how hard your life is.

I don't complain about how hard my life is, I love my life! Even when I was a single mom I loved my life. Things just irritate me at times. I find it wierd how my and cawfe love and care for out stepkids more than their own bm's do. Guess that giving birth to a child doesn't always mean you feel maternal towards that kid!

But I am not sure what the point of throwing statistics into a situation they do not apply to is. Yes it is more common for moms to be the single parent...but that is not the case here!

"The NCP in our case does neither...no weekly meal out or child support. We do not even get that occasional "babysitter" that your ex referred to......but oh ya wait....I do not have the right to complain.......I forgot I did not give birth to the children...I just mother them! I wonder what it would be like to have a night away from the kids....thats right---that is a BM advantage. Stepmoms like me aren't allowed..."

That sounded like a complaint to me...

Hubby's going to court today ... yippee...

Three pages of complaints to keep her in contempt of court. Hopefully it sticks. (teflon mom)

We have a court order in place neither parent can discuss litigation or CS. NCP violated this order before the judges signature was dry on the order.

I will say it again ... I don't mind doing all I do for my husband and all the children. But I do mind how their mother treats them ... they are aware of things children should not have to worry about. I "feel" like I am her ex-wife at times ... she tells the kids to order me around and that I have to do this or that for them. If she would just do her part and be a mom friend whatever ...instead of trying to sabotage their relationship with their father.... he only wants you for the money. When she is asked if she wants custody she says no ...but tells the children daddy must have bribed the judge.

If she is suffering a medical condition maybe she should see/talk to someone rather than involving her children in her issues.... they know she sleeps with her landlord for free rent.

She can just spout off whatever she wants to her children and we have to deal with the aftermaths?

Its not fair to the kids to be saddled with mom's issues. Sick of hearing myself say "mommy is really angry right now and angry people say and do dumb things" ... children's response .... "mommy is always angry" ... "then she must be saying and doing a lot of dumb things"

"She can just spout off whatever she wants to her children and we have to deal with the aftermaths?"

Cawfe, I know just what you mean, and I feel for the kids and for you and your husband. I hope everything goes well for your family tomorrow. Keep us updated.

So the judge is sending his ruling in the mail.... who knows how long that will take ...

Mom wants 50/50 custody with an every other day schedule. She will claim all 3 on her taxes. She will buy all the necessary clothing and school supplies. And wants to reimbursed for half.

Hubby told the judge he wants her to have consecutive days. Saturdays and sundays drop off at school Monday. Right now its thurs. afterschool and sunday at 5:30pm. Right now he claims 2 children she claims 1. He pays for everything related to the children and does not reimbursed for anything. But any 2 consecutive days would work for him.

Mom told the judge ... that step brother and brother "took away" child's inhaler and he was scared he didn't have his inhaler.

Sidenote: 2 older boys teasing the younger both got in trouble for doing so ... they were playing "keep away" with the inhaler ... he was not having an attack but was mad he was teased ... situation dealt with immediately.

Hubby told judge ... this is the same child she dropped off at school with out an inhaler where was her concern then?

She told the judge and mediator she was the one who called DSS....(we already knew). DSS... "told her that because there wasn't any broken bones or bruises they didn't have time to 'deal with' her children" Judge was waiting for DSS to call him back with their outcome of the investigation.

Whatever the outcome of visitation really doesn't matter.

Hopefully she stops using her children to attack their father.

Yes I went to court..... because I am sick of her telling me .... "you weren't there you don't know what the judge said" well guess what I do now.... I can read but it never mattered to her.

Telling the judge she wants more time with the children ... hubby said its in the original order she can have the children any time she wants all she has to do is call me. But she tells the children I will not let them go with her.

So who knows .. I am just hoping for consecutive days to keep the degradation to a minimum if she bashes on first day she will have to "deal with effects the next day" and after a while she will atleast stop on day one and then its only one day a week we have to "deal with the effects the next day".

Oh yuck cawfe! I wish you the best!!

Hopefully the judge will issue segments of time instead of every other day, it would definitely be less chaotic on the children!

Right now its thurs. afterschool and sunday at 5:30pm.

What does this mean ?? You pick up thursday after school and give back Sunday at 5:30??

Mom picks them up thursdays afterschool returns them to school Friday if no school she drops them off here at 8am.

Picks up Sundays at 5:30 pm and drops them off at school Monday morning if no school drops them off here at 8am.

Father is CP
Mother is NCP.

Mom feeds the children one meal per week. Dinner on Thursday.

Breakfast at school or they eat when they get here if no school.
Hubby pays for breakfast and lunch at school.

Do I understand this correctly - BioMom wants 50/50 custody, every other day? How confusing is that going to be for the kids? They will be like ping-pong balls, going back and forth every other day!

Mom wants 50/50 ...here's her schedule

Sunday at 12 to monday at 12
Tuesday at 12 to wednesday at 12
thursday at 12 to friday at 12
and every other saturday at 12 to sunday at 12

84 hours per week at each home..... She wants to buy all clothes and be reimbursed.

Plus both parents have one week each summer sole visitation....

Yes I would say that is very confusing to children... Its confusing to me ..... A juggling act for the kids ....

Hubby said if thats the case and she ends up with a 50/50 decision ... he is going back to say one week here one week there consecutive days of visitation. No more juggling.

I'm already lost! How in the world can that be good for kids? And how will it effect sports/activities ect.? A nightmare for sure - we'll be waiting to hear what the judge thinks.