This is what I'm dealing with - Just Venting!

16 years ago

Since SS17 return from 6 months of psychiatrict residential treatment/drug and alcohol rehab, things have been going swimmingly well. He really has just gotten right back into the school groove, finishing his senior year with excellent grades (so far, As in everthing except Jewelry(!?)), working part-time, and doing a pretty good job of adhering to the rules.

He was on "house probation" for the first month of his return, and has a sliding curfew for the next month. His first Saturday night out was for Homecoming weekend, and instead of partaking in any of the festivities, he went and hung out at his friend's house. This particular friend, a girl, wrote to him during his stint away, with his BioMom's encouragement. Unfortunately, the dozen or so letters she wrote him over the course of six months were filled with, "We were just chillin' in my pool house, smoking so much excellent weed, Zach drank so much until he passed out, my parents so over-reacted when the guys spray-painted the pool house furniture, you're missing so many excellent parties, can't wait for you to get home so we can party, are you really going to have to be sober for the rest of your life? What a drag." I don't like this girl. I never did. I got a bad vibe from her the first time I met her. When these letters came up, I couldn't help but think, what the heck is wrong with this girl? BioMom, who thinks this girl is such a good friend to son, excuses the letters by saying the girl is only 17. Yes, but son is in REHAB, and it's not a secret why, AND this girl knows about the self-injury.

So, when son said he wanted to hang out at this girl's house, I just crossed my fingers. She had come by our house when son first got home, and DH had a conversation with her (and all son's friends) about not using in front of son. Turns out, when DH went to pick him up at 10:30, son reeked of marijuana. DH was very angry and refused to talk to son until he was more calm. Son insisted he wasn't smoking, he has no desire to do drugs, and begged us to drug test him. His exact words, "I didn't do anything wrong. I don't know why dad is so mad. I just hung out with them while they were smoking." I asked son, since dad was giving him the silent treatment as he followed us around, looking for resolution, "Why didn't you call us to come and get you when they started smoking?" He didn't want to be picked up, he wanted to hang out with them. I asked, "You were being picked up at 10:30. Couldn't you have asked your friends to wait until you left?" He said, "Yeah, I guess so." I told him it wasn't so much that dad was mad at him, but that dad is very scared. We all are, because we understand the slippery slope of drug addiction. If he's hanging out with his friends, whom he had said would respect his new lifestyle, and they are using, it's only going to be a matter of time before he starts using again. I reiterated again that we are scared. I was actually pretty cool. I didn't get angry, didn't yell, didn't do any of the things I would have done in the past that would have put him on the defensive. I just asked him to understand why we are very afraid. He said, "Oh. Okay."

So, I shared this with BioMom, so that she would know what is going on with this "friend." This past weekend, BioMom came into town. It was son's 18th birthday, She wanted to take him out to a very nice dinner, with a couple of friends, to celebrate. Turns out the friends were this particular girl and her best girlfriend. She didn't tell me this, son did. Of all the friends he has, I couldn't understand why BioMom would want to encourage son to spend time with this girl. I expressed surprise to son, and he said, "What? Emily thinks my mom is very cool, and my mom likes Emily." Incredible.

I know it's very difficult to tell your 18 year old child that you don't like a particular friend, you don't think that paricular friend is good for them, and you don't want them hanging out with that particular friend. It's another thing entirely to encourage spending time with that particular friend. What is that BioMom thinking?

Sort by:Oldest

Comments (2)

sylviatexas1
16 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
Isn't she the one who said she "just wasn't ready to have him" at her home when he got out of the hospital?

reminds me of a puzzle I once read.

You have 2 sisters, one of whom has just died.

When you go to your sister's funeral, you meet a guy who's the most gorgeous, intriguing, attractive man you ever saw.

but you don't meet up with him, & no one else seems to know who he is.

Next day, you kill your other sister.

Why?

answer:
to see if the guy shows up for another family funeral.

Some people really are like that-
other people have value only in the benefit they provide for the person.

What is stepson's mother thinking?

that Emily thinks she (mom) is cool.

His mother likes the limelight, & she doesn't have a clue that her son, or anybody, is a real live person with needs & vulnerabilities, a person who is entitled to be respected & cared for.

& really...
she doesn't care.

She's missing that part, she doesn't know how to care, & she is not interested in learning how to care.

Talking to her about it is like speaking Chinese (or Greek, if she happens to speak Chinese);
she just doesn't get it.

As far as she's concerned, he's just another member of her supporting cast...
or maybe just a backdrop at this point-
Right now Emily may be playing the second banana role in a more satisfying way.

You or hubs need to discuss this with your stepson, to give him some insight & therefore some means of protecting/defending himself.

He's 18 years old, plenty old enough to grasp the facts & plenty old enough to be entitled to the facts, & he already has a tremendous amount of damage from living with this.

He is going to have to look out for his own safety & look out for his interests & welfare when he's with her.

just had a thought;
maybe he likes Emily because she seems familiar to him.

She supposedly likes him, yet she does all the things that are bad for him, & he accepts it.

It's a role he's accustomed to playing; he knows his lines, he responds to the cues.

I wish all of you the best.
jeri
16 years ago
last modified: 9 years ago
A very difficult time for all of you - - especially your ss who just wants to be a normal kid and do the normal kid stuff. It must be extremely hard for someone of his age and leanings to turn his back on everything that used to be his life. Does your sd have a sponsor??? A therapist??? These are the people he needs to turn to for guidance. Did he meet others in the program who are succeeding with their sobriety? They too would be good resources for each other. IMO, your ss does need to turn his back on his old life which includes all his old friends who still use. They will not mean to undermine his sobriety, but they will because they do not understand the situation for what it really is. IMO, he will need on-going professionally help to succeed at this (sponsor, meetings, therapist, etc). The slippery slope is very real and very dangerous I totally understand your fear for him.
Related Discussions
UCG deal - I'm soooo frustrated
Q
Comments (12)
Actually, after my gripe the other day, it has been almost smooth sailing. I still have to call them in the morning to remind, but I gladly do that. When I picked up last night, I saw that they have designated a bin to me (!) with a sign saying "coffee grounds only" behind the counter so it's not accessible to other patrons (in case people would use it as a garbage can and throw other stuff in there). Minnesuing, at first they said no to me, too, and the reason they gave was that people forgot to come pick up their UCGs eventhough they promised to do so. I pleaded with them and told them that I had actually had deals fall through because the shop-owners forgot to save the UCGs and I had had to make trips for nothing. That somehow softened them and they agreed to try it out. It looks like I might be able to train them after my initial problems and I'm so happy! When I have this one down pat, I might expand to local food suppliers for old bananas etc. like GGG! But baby steps, baby steps...
...See More
What's the deal with the different styles of vents?
Q
Comments (6)
A plumbing vent is, in fact, a pipe sticking through the roof. The number and location depends on the location of the bathrooms and kitchens unless there is room to offset them in the attic. To make them more attractive and more waterproof, the flashing is sometimes extended up to the top of the pipe. This kind of flashing is usually lead or copper. Unfortunately, squirrels like to eat the lead ones.
...See More
I'm back from my new purchase! Great deal at LOWE'S
Q
Comments (2)
Good4u I personally like working on the Duets, as I can get access to anything I want, when its time to fix them. Both the two sides remove easy and the back to get access to functioning or not functioning parts. And also the top comes off for more access. Like any machines longevity, it all depends on how you use it. All FL or TL require being properly balanced, meaning that the legs are adjusted to a level reading, and you want to make sure also that the four legs on the underside of the washer are as far up not down, but as far up in the baseplate as you can,to get a level reading. Next if you keep your loads to a full-load level, not small loads, as all machines are really disigned for a full load. I also suggest that you not save all your washing up till sat/sunday and do them back to back. If you are a small family, or just one person, then guess you will end up doing them all on the week end. If you are a large family, with people changing clothes twice a day or more, then doing loads every day is again what this machine is really disigned to do. I have been into homes that have all girls, and they are in the 15-19 year range and they do a lot of changing, so washing every day, and not letting things stack up are the best for these machines. Another area that I also know well is "make sure you leave" the door open, and you wipe the glass, and clean the rubber seal and area with the holes in the seat, so that stuff doesn't build up in there and start stinking on you. Front loaders are a sealed unit when it is washing, not like the Top Loaders, they have space for air to circulate, but the FL's don't so leave the door open, and clean the rubber seal, wipe it dry. Once a month, use a hot wash, and bleach and let it run through a wash, but again, leave the door open and clean it daily or after each use. Read your Use&Care guide, take the time and read it and understand what it tells you. If you want your Duets to look after you, you have to look after it. If you don't it will cost you, like most machines do. Another valuble thing to remember, is clean out the pockets, tooth picks, ear rings, coins, you name it, I have pulled all that out of the pumps etc, and many times these items have damaged the inpellers on the pump so had to replace the pump. If you want your washer to live a long useful life, look after it. I think you have the best of the FL's and love how they made it for the service end. Good luck you you with your new Duets.
...See More
I'm dating a separated man... how do i deal with the ex-wife's pr
Q
Comments (5)
illy, It is easy to overlook some things when we want to be with someone. Your boyfriend was not ready and is still not ready to make a promise to you. Life is too precious to make a serious decision and then "hope" life will turn out good. You are already unhappy. No, No, No Walk away and don't look back. Best to you.
...See More

This is what I'm dealing with - Just Venting!

Comments (2)

sylviatexas1

jeri

Related Discussions

COMPANY

BUSINESS SERVICES

GET HELP

CONNECT WITH US