Jennifer: I am sorry your in-laws seem so insensitive to you. I hope they are not doing it intentionally, but just don't think before they speak and haven't adjusted to the changes yet. Is the ex keeping in contact with them as well? If she is, then it will make it even harder for them to put her in the past. Try not to take it as a reflection on you. You are so very luck to have the support of D. Many people don't have the support of their spouse when it comes to the in laws and as many of us have posted here, not where it comes to the skids either. I know it is not easy with everything you are juggling, but try and just make the best of their visits, thankfully, they don't live near enough to visit more often. Take Care

I know it's a topic I've beaten everyone over the head with on this forum. I apologize for bringing it back from the dead. It's just that since I wrote the first thread, things have gotten worse. My future in-laws have lodged complaints with my fiance. They have told him that they do not like me. They think I am a gold-digging inconsiderate, awful person. They have said they disapprove of the way D and I are raising the kids, that there are too many rules and limitations on them. And that we spend too lavishly on the children, accusing me of going overboard buying my step-daughter 5 pairs of shoes and taking her to the hair salon to have her hair cut and styled for picture day. I couldn't believe that! I can't even remember the last time I went to the store for a new shirt for myself! They even asked D whose name our new house is going to be in???? What do they think, I'm going to kill him and take all the money and run??! They also accused us of living an unacceptable lifestyle because we are friends with a gay man! It's just awful. And it has put my poor D in a horrible situation because he has to defend his woman and pretty much tell his parents, accept her, or get out. I just don't know how to get out from under this hole. It seems it is going to a very bad place....where a family becomes divided. How can D really ever go back and forget how they insulted his life? How am I ever going to be able to have a REAL relationship after they said such horrible things about me? How can we get married with his family there? They obviously don't love and support us. His own sister is talking crap too. D went to her to vent and she went to her parents and told them everything D said. He can't even trust his siblings! I just don't know what we're going to do.

Hi Jennifer!

If I were you, I'd try really hard not to stress so much over your in-laws. They are trying to adjust to the new situation, the new woman in their son's life, to the fact that his kids love you. It's a lot. It feels like they are literally searching for reasons not to like you. Don't give them any ammo. Ignore the thoughtless and provoking slights, smile at them, and continue to be a good mom to their grandkids and a wonderful partner for their son. They will come around, and if they don't -- they lose, not you. When she makes comments like you're spending too much on the kids (like the salon for pictures), simply smile sweetly and say "we can afford it, they enjoy it, and ... gee ... do they act spoiled to you? We don't think so!". Then move on to something else. Don't let her run roughshod over you, but deal with her in a strong but pleasant way.

I think that D needs to be more stern with her as well ... he's an adult and if his mother chooses to be a bigot about your having a gay friend, that's her problem, not yours, and she has NO right to make derogatory remarks like that. My ex M-I-L pulled that one on me once. She told me that she would not come to our wedding if I insisted on inviting "J", of Mexican heritage. I wasted no time in telling her that "J" would be present, and if she choose not to attend we'd miss her.

Would D be willing to tell his parents that since they are having such a hard time accepting you, your lifestyle together, your friends, that he feels they would be more comfortable in a hotel for their next visit? I think that's the first order of business.

Sheesh ... spend time with them on their visits, but limit it. And make them stay somewhere else so that when you're at your wit's end you can escape before you implode! These people sound like rather boorish snobs.