wow she does sound very responsible, do be careful though, I was in the same situation as achild "the care taker" even financially as a teen of 15, my dad saw what was going on and I had the opportunity to go live with him, I wanted to take it I desperately did, but couldnt manage to for fear that they wouldnt be able to make it (financially,emotionally etc..) without me there, so I didnt go, I think it was probably one of the worst decisions i made as a teen...I guess my point is, you and DH may have to help your SD find the strength to make it really happen..

vivian31

It is nice to hear that she has a good head on her shoulders financially. Bless her heart. She has a great start in dealing with the real world out there. You have every right to be proud of her and it's great that you let her know that. Teens sometimes get a bad rap because of the ones that act up when in reality we have a lot of great, thoughtful and loving kids out there. I have one of them....he is 16. I do wish he was better with money...but he is learning.....Have a great day.

Yeah, I know. I worry about that too. Still, my DH ain't going to do that. He won't risk the wrath of the ex-wife. He's a coward who hasn't done a lot of parenting of his own children--that's another story for another day, though.

I honestly thing that she's not so much taking care of everything (FWIW, she's rarely home) as she is kind of making sure that the boys get their home work done, get supper--simple things that MOM should be taking care of but apparently can't be bothered with right now. She's kinda washed her hands of the adults in the situation, and really, I agree with her. If it became burdensome for her, I would definitely bring up the subject again, but for now, I'm glad that she's looking out for her brothers (my SS14 and their half-brother who is 10).

In the meantime, she can come here any time if she needs to talk. :)

You also should speak to your DH to be carefull re identify theft of Childs SS number. He should periodcially check her credit report. Its free. IMHO.

KKNY, that's a really good suggestion. I do know someone who had that happen to them and it can take years to straighten out.

I'm so happy to hear about your SD Vivian. What a mature young lady. I do feel sorry for her though. To be concerned about her younger brothers shows she is a caring and generous person, but that's a big responsibility for her. I just hope this turns out well for them all. Best of luck :)

Thanks, it is not much of a jump from asking a child to pay for groceries to go on to stealing her idenity (ok, first not illegal, but ...). Most identify theft is commmitted by people who know the victim -- relatives, co-workers, who have enough info re person to get application in. When credit was easy, people who wanted to live high off the hog would just overextend, now not so easy. People steal identity of parents, children, Xs, etc. The victims dont want to file a police report.

Poor child, but it sure does sound like she has a good head on her shoulders. Shopping for FAMILY groceries with HER OWN $$??? But you kmow what? There are many teenagers out there who would not have done that. There just would be no food in the house. Many pats on the back for her, she stepped up when it was necessary.

Good job, Vivian.

As a teenager and the oldest of 5 kids, I worked full time from the age of 15 and helped my family tremendously when it came to finances. My father was an electrician and worked day and night but barely made $10,000 a year. My mother had worked for years but was injured on the job and to this day has serious back pain due to the injury. While my mother worked, I was caretaker for my younger siblings. After her injury, I worked full time to help the family. I helped my family to pay rent each month...I helped provide Christmas. I even helped to buy food.

Thinking back, I had more responsibility than I should have. And this is personally something I will never do when it comes to my children. They will be responsible for paying for their own auto insurance...outside of that, the rest of what they make is theirs to do with as they wish. HOWEVER, at the same time, I do not regret the help that I gave to my family. You say SD had to shop for family groceries with her own money? I don't see that as such a horrible thing to do...helping her family out during a tough economic crisis? I see that as character building...and very commendable. Now, if you told me she had to go out and buy family groceries every week I may see this differently...We don't bring children into the world to support us. And my parents should have never had 5 kids when they have never made enough at any point in their lives to support the 5 of us.

But still...her act of helping out the family when in need is commendable...Not a horrible thing she was forced to do and "how dare they ask her buy groceries!"

Here is an example of a "how dare she?" act. Every year, my stepkids get Wal-mart gift cards from BM's side of the family. The stepkids have mentioned on numerous occasions that BM "borrowed" their gift cards to buy groceries, claiming she would pay them back within a week or two...yet she never has. In fact, since Christmas of last year, they have had birthday's where BM's family has sent them more gift cards and again, BM has "borrowed" money from those as well. SD remarked that when asked, BM said she paid them back in gas that she bought to come and get them for visits. Huh? That was their BIRTHDAY money. Gifts that they opened and were excited to receive. Even borrowing it wasn't a big HUGE deal...but saying "I'll pay you back next week" and not doing so is unbelievable.

My point is, being asked to buy groceries one time isn't such a horrible thing...think back to a few decades ago. Children worked on their parent's farms to help the family...They worked jobs just to HELP the family. And IMO they became better people for it. While I would have loved to be able to buy myself more clothes and makeup as a teenager, I have a sense of pride that I helped to provide for my younger siblings. It was character building for me. Again, I will never put my own children in the same position as I fortunately have planned better for my life than my own parents did...but should the day ever come, God forbid, that I do need my DS to help me put food on the table one week---I would hope the opinion he takes to helping the family out would not be one of "how dare you?"

".but should the day ever come, God forbid, that I do need my DS to help me put food on the table one week---I would hope the opinion he takes to helping the family out would not be one of "how dare you?""

Absolutely. Unfortunately, it is all too easy for an accident or a sudden job loss to destroy a family's financial security.

Why is it that so many people here insist that children should be kicked out of their home/forced to support themselves completely/put themselves through college as soon as they turn 18, yet they are incensed when a 17 year old is asked to buy groceries in an emergency.

TOS, I have never ever said a child should be kicked out, put himself through college, etc.

Todays world is not our parents world -- college is more important, and as bad as the economic situation is -- it has not yet reached the depths of the depression. There are jobs -- maybe not what people want, but jobs.

While I agree that children should help if necessary and they are able, nowhere did it say "accident, loss of job or illness". What it did say is "mom and step dad have been living above their means for so long". Helping with other siblings is very admirable of this young lady. I am sorry that her talking to them about budget did not help.

It's a very difficult thing when the children reach a higher maturity level than the adults they live with. My SD struggles with this with her mom/SF quite a bit, and the things I hear break my heart when she comes home. Momof5 - your gift card story is horrible. Do the grandparents have any idea?

As much as I want to say family groceries are a parent's responsibility, I do believe that, as a last resort, a child helping out is not horrible, if it is not a regular thing.
As a child currently supporting her parents (in laws) I know first hand how difficult and awkward the situation can be. But DH and I didn't hesitate to do it, initially. Months down the road, as we are still supporting them, they are taking no action to remedy their self made situation and there is no end to the support in sight, we have much hesitation. When does support become enabling?

This is the worry I have for your SD. If groceries once-in-a-tough-time becomes every-two-weeks, I don't think that is okay. The parents need to put forth more effort to care for their kids.

I have a problem with the statement "living above their means" in general. For a large proportion of the middle class and the near poor, living above their means is not a choice - it is a necessity. It is not as if they can stop buying their lattes at Starbucks and suddenly have enough money. I spend far more than I am "supposed" to on housing - but there are no other viable options. I make too much to qualify for subsidized housing, and I'd like to know how anyone could fit four - six children and myself in less than three tiny bedrooms. Should I eliminate my child's physical therapy in an attempt to "live within my means?"

Umm, mom and stepdad got into this financial mess by living WAY above their means. Although I do admire my girl for stepping up, and I think that it's an atrocity that she had to do so because these people are spending (apparently) large amounts of stupid money. This does NOT qualify as an emergency in my book.

....and I just got a letter from our prosecutor's office stating that DH is $3200 behind in CS.

Uh, NO, he's not. I'm waiting for them to call me back. We have to send everything through the County Clerk's office so it should be easy to track. He may be a few hundred behind, but NO WAY $3200. I'm assuming that because they need money they're trying to shake the tree.

I really, really dislike these people.

It's sad when your kid has loads more integrity than her parents.

If I didn't care for these two kids so much, I'd throw my hands up on the whole blasted lot of these adults. They are truly pitiful...

Living above their means for these people involves vacations and $2K family pictures, et cetera. There's more, but I can't really talk about it. Trust me, it is NOT everyday living expenses.

I agree, TOS - most of in some way live beyond our means, and many times it's by necessity. But I think we all know the difference between necessity and frivolity - like eating out every other night just because you don't like to cook yet your electricity is about to be shut off. It appears the later is the way beyond their means being referred to here.
We could also call it living financially irresponsibly, if that works better.

Vacations and $2k on family pictures? Well then that is entirely different story all together. Growing up, my family (sadly) never went on vacation and the only time we had family portraits done is when we would get those "freebie" 8x10 certificates for Olan Mills. LOL! You know, where they say "free setting and 8x10" then they try to get you to buy a big package. My momma always took the free 8x10 and thanked them for their time and effort.

justnotmartha, the grandparents do not have a clue...or else I am fairly certain they would start sending actual gifts as opposed to gift cards. I no longer have contact with BM's family, but did at one time, and the impression they would give me was always that they thought she was a piece of trash who cared more about herself than her children. (I never joined in and agreed with them...I just listened...I'm waaay to smart to stick my foot in my mouth like that!) I'm sure they would have a lot to say if they knew she was taking their gift cards.

Vivian, still, if it hasn't or doesn't become a common thing, I would think this is something that could be spoken of in only a positive manner. "You helped out your family! How commendable and helpful of you!" Unless it became common, I wouldn't join in on any negative talk about the matter at all...that could feed hostility about the situation when it could be made out as a positive thing on SD's part...hopefully it was a one time situation...because if it wasn't/isn't I would definitely voice my opinion on the matter myself.

I did tell her that staying in the house to watch over her brothers is a decision that she would never regret. She's smart enough to know that those kids aren't responsible for the parents poor financial management skills. I agreed with her.

She figured out that their car got repoed several months ago, too. Yep, I knew that. It isn't the first one that they've had towed away.

Yeah, in the last two years they've accumulated about $10K in exotic birds and equipment for them. I used to raise exotic birds and have a pretty good idea how much $$$ you can put out for them and their stuff.

These people are either really, really dumb or really, really deceptive and greedy. Personally, I'm thinking one of each. Great examples..... UGH.

I love my kids.... :)

Vivian, If your DH is even hundreds behind in CS, I think that is wrong. And if goes through clerk, would prosecutors office be sending demand?

We called. It was their foul up. He does NOT owe anything apparently. They told him that he had a zero balance.

It just seemed to me very coincidental the timing of it all...with the ex-wife trying to blame everything on DH last week according to my SD.

Whatever, KK... I'm not in charge of his CS. I don't deal with it nor pay it. I could care less about it--it's his behind that goes to jail. And I don't even like him right now, so it really doesn't matter to me. I would happen to agree that child support should be paid and that the state should use EVERY method in their power to get it out of these low-life deadbeats, but apparently DH has been taking care of it.

I'm glad your SD is making sure her brothers are OK - good for her!

I see nothing wrong with teens helping out with finances - TO A POINT - but they shouldn't be supporting the family.
My mom was sick when I was a teen, so our family had very little money. I got my first job right around my 15th birthday and I worked 8 hours a week or so at first to provide my own spending money... But when I was 16/17 I worked 12-20 hours a week because I paid for almost everything for myself (from a movie with friends to tampons and shampoo).
The difference though is that my parents had no money because of illness, not because they bought a bunch of parrots. And, I was only taking responsibility for ME, not for everyone else in my family (too much pressure for a teen, IMO)

Vivian .... This is sort of related :)

Yesterday SD19 came home at a decent hour ... 9PM with a gallon of milk and a dozen eggs....

She came in saying I picked up milk and eggs I noticed we were running low on milk and we could always use eggs!!!

I nearly fell to the floor ... We are a big family and go through a gallon of milk a day never thought anyone noticed besides me I come home from work every day with a gallon milk.

"clinging to hope" maybe she's growing up :)