That's a VERY pretty cake. Your SD is lucky to have you make it for her.

As for her mom, I would just say "I stay much too busy to bake cakes for anyone other than family members". End of story. I would think your DH could say the same about doing the videos.

Would it be out of line to tell SD "I think your mommy is still married to Joe-the-first-husband"?

I hear Draino makes a lovely whipped frosting.

I know - if you can't say something nice . . . . . sorry.

In all honesty, telling SD that mommy is still married to her big sister's daddy... makes it obvious mom was still married to him when SHE was born. As she gets older, she'll put THAT together... she needs to do her own math. The closest 'truth' we have told SD was when she threw a tantrum and asked DH why he didn't stay married to her mom??? He told her he was never married to her mom. We have no idea what BM has told her, but SD will ask him, 'don't you care if my mom is hurt?' or 'why won't you take care of my mom?'. Right around the time DH & BM had gone to trial over custody, let's see it was before she moved so this might have been the week after, BM had a laproscopic surgery & had SD call DH several times to 'go to the store and get my mom some band aids'. On at least two of the messages SD left, she was asking her mom what to tell dad. Part of the messages were incomprehendable about mom is hurt... surgery... etc.

The point is, they have a contested custody trial and a week later, she plays victim & wants DH to buy her band aids and pay attention because she had a minor surgery. Now, she called CPS on us a few weeks ago and is asking SD to ask me to bake her wedding cake. I don't get that mentality. She will go ballistic on DH and call him a few days or week later and ask him to do favors for her. Not sure what THAT is about. She's done this to the point that he wants NOTHING to do with her, other than being cordial at exchanges.

I did tease my husband last night, saying I might call her up and offer to make the cake... then perhaps have a sugar/salt mix up. It's just so frustrating because my relationship with SD has been so on/off and tense because of things BM does, this is just another ploy to make us into the bad guys that don't care about BM's wedding.... DH won't do her video, I won't make her cake, she has to find a dress for SD without OUR help. UGH!!! and all for an event that I don't even think will take place... and even if it does, we want SD to have a good time & be happy for her mom, not have anger at us for not helping her mom.

lol :) (evil grin) ... sure but its going to cost $$$$$ (two months CS) :)

Or be honest

Your mom doesn't like me and I do not do things for people who do not like me.

"Your mom doesn't like me and I do not do things for people who do not like me."

ooooh, I like that!!! (LOL, I told SD, while she was on the phone with BM, that wedding cakes cost several hundred dollars, and some people spend a thousand or more... )

The funny thing is, does/would she really trust me with it? To serve to her friends & family? I know the answer is no, which is what makes the question so freakin' ridiculous!!!

Here's how I see it IMA ... she puts on a front for your SD see my world is fabulous ... lots of scenarios

She doesn't really expect you to do it ... expects you to say no and look like the bad guy again to SD ... poor BM can't afford to get married ... your dad and IMA won't help me acheive my dream ... its just all bad no matter how you look at it.

if you don't do it....IMA and daddy are mean to me ....

if you do it and it doesn't go well... its your fault ....

If you do it and serve it ...she can sit an snicker how well she has your hubby trained.

You can't break even never mind win. :(

It IS a no win...

I can hear her telling SD that it's OUR fault she can't get married because we told her no... when April 2009, comes & goes... just like December 2007 and Spring 2008. (nevermind that she is still legally married and CAN'T get married)

You are right! No matter what we do, there's a way for her to turn it around. It kinda reminds me of Raymond's mother on "everybody loves Raymond", everything Debra does turns into what she did wrong or somehow her fault!!! Ha!

I would just say I'm to busy, I don't have the time it takes to bake a wedding cake. If you bake it you will be setting a trend that could go on for years.

Are you going to the wedding? LOL

I would be tempted to agree to make the cake! Call her bluff. Just tell her that since this is not a business you need to be paid in full BEFORE you begin the cake. Make your price expensive. Chances are she will not come up with the cash. When sd asks why you did not bake the cake let her know that the supplies from the store are not free and bm did not buy them. No supplies = no cake!

That is a GORGEOUS cake!

BM is a wackjob. Who knows why she asked?! My guess is what you said--she wants you to say no and look like the "bad guy" in front of SD.

My DH's ex always does things like that. She is just a complete you-know-what to me 95% of the time--sends me nasty emails, calls me ugly, tells DH that my DD is ugly,stupid, whatever! But then she will randomly call and want my opinion or my help. Example--a few weeks ago her 9 month old baby was crying and she thought she had an ear infection--so she called DH and wanted to talk to me to see if I thought it was an ear infection?

WTF. Am I an MD? Does BM not have her mom, her sister, and any number of friends with kids that she could call and talk to? What about just calling the doctor????

I just told DH to tell her I wouldn't take the call. I refuse to play that game. I will not tolerate the abuse she dishes out to me any longer and then pretend like everything is just fine when she wants it to be. I have been on this roller-coaster with her for TOO MANY YEARS and I'm just done with it.I have set my boundaries with her!

So--off my tangent! LOL. I think you could either say NO or you should do what mom2emall suggested---agree to do it, but set a high price! :) We'll see if she comes through with the money!

HA-so if she is stil married to her ex, then when is this wedding to take place? And how?

lovehadley, I have wondered if your DH's ex & my DH's ex are twins!! Right down to having 50/50 by verbal agreement (no court proceedings until SD was 8) and then it was because she kept threatening to take her away because I did 'mom' things with her instead of treating her like the redheaded stepchild. I guess she wouldn't be happy no matter what I do.

crazy!

imamommy
THE CAKE WAS BEAUTIFUL
BM has no intentions on really having you make the cake BM just wants to make trouble. BUT i like the draino idea..LOL

I think we have a triplet thing going on her with the ex's We had a verbal 50/50 with my SS and BM and when I was doing what moms are supposed to do She started crap so far we got court ordered 50 /50 and its cost us $10,000.00 and she is still fighting over stupid crap just paid our attorney more to go back.... Good luck..... you could make the cake all black with dead butterflies... SORRY had to say it....

My first thought was no way in he** but then I know me and I know my need to be nice and keep the peace... But here is a thought

what if you told sd something along the lines of No, but I will teach you how to make it and it can be like your present to your mom on her wedding day. Ofcourse you would be the one that does most of the work still (if it ever comes to pass) but it will be a bonding thing for you and sd. And, it kind of seperates yourself from it a little. I did this with my skids and their mom's bday cake. I usually make their bday cakes (usually pretty eloborate like the one you made) and they were just dieing to have me make one for her birthday. Ofcourse it wasnt BM asking but there was no way I actually wanted to make a cake for her. So, I told the kids I would teach them how to make it. We made it together and I wrapped it up for them to give to mom.

And, this way even if the wedding doesnt come to pass... you could 'practice' with sd a few times and have even more bonding time. And, you are not really saying no and therefore not the bad guy.

You know, Mom_of_4's onto something --
And you could let SD decorate it! A 9 year old would surely come up with something extra special.

ridicilous. i get along wiht X and his wife, we are pretty much friends, i actually like his wife. But even under this circumstances i would never dream of attending his wedding, and nobody would ask me to bake cakes for them. this woman is completely out of line. I don't understand why would she even expct a wife of her X to bake cakes ofr her! And then her X to film her wedding! this is ridiclous even when relationship is friendly, but if it clearly is not, it is even more stupid! what is she thinking?

I also wonder if she is still married, does she realize it is illegal to marry someone else? and does she know she is still married and if yes why wouldn't she get divorce? this makes no sense. her BF might not know. maybe it is time to let him know his GF is still married? ha

Mom of 4, that is actually a very nice idea, and extremely gracious. Not that Ima is obligated, under the circumstances, to be that gracious unless she truly feels that way about it. Ima has an obligation to be nice to SD, but I don't think there's any rule that past & present wives have to go the extra mile for each other beyond baseline decency and making sure not to sabotage each other. So given that, I don't think it would be at all out of line for Ima to approach it as she would a business (and from the looks of that cake, Ima, you SHOULD consider going into business!), nor should she feel that there is anything wrong with determining A PRICE for what her time and effort is worth. Just like with her husband and his professional videography, the ExW was not out of line to ASK for his services as a professional if she is willing to pay for them and accept clearly stated terms of service. But you and he have just as much right to either say no or to make the cost not worth it to ExW as you see fit. What would of course be objectionable is if you agreed to make the cake but then sabotaged it, as that would be a breach of both a business agreement and blended family harmony. (Not to mention if you do actually decide to go into business, a botched cake for an event would obviously not help, and ExW would probably 'tell her friends'.)

So I don't think ExW was outrageous to ask, as long as she was willing to pay for it; but if she expects you to do it for free that is expecting waaaaaaaay too much given the circumstances. I also think that if she's told 'no', she needs to accept that 'no' gracefully and not push it nor attempt to sabotage YOU (regarding "looking mean" in front of SD). If you actually agree to make the cake, ExW also has limited rights to complain about it if she doesn't like it. She'd only be able to complain if it went against what YOU clearly stated as terms of service or it went against what SHE clearly stated were her expectations. Anything not stated is fair game for sabotage and/or complaints, and for that reason I would keep away from it with a ten-hundred foot pole if I was either YOU or HER! If you and ExW actually agree to take this huge risk, the most important thing is for neither of you to drag SD into any upset about it, come what may.

Given this woman's paltry track record of treating her own daughter as an actual part of her life and her inability thus far to comprehend any concept of "blending" her daughter into time spent with this guy's kids, it'll be amazing if SD gets to come to this wedding at all. And if that turns out to be the case, then SD probably won't rush to her defense if she tries to accuse you of 'not supporting the wedding'. Let's really hope that doesn't happen, though, because that would be so especialy rough on SD.

"And you could let SD decorate it! A 9 year old would surely come up with something extra special."

Oh Sweeby, there was decidedly evil laugh that came from within as I read that. I delightful idea!!

Also, Ima, if you do decide to make the cake (doesn't sound like you will, but just in case), make sure you photograph it just before giving it to her and that the photo has a time/day stamp on it. This would be in the very strange (but stranger things have happened) event that ExW decides to sabotage the cake herself, just to make you look bad. Again, sounds pretty outrageous, but I think by now we've all experienced enough wedding-related nightmare scenarios to never underestimate the possible drama possible with weddings!!!

Yeesh...
I get along with A__'s BM, but no way would we ask her to bake our wedding cake!

I also like the getting SD to do it with you idea, if BM buys all the supplies of course! Then SD could say that she made it, and you'd get to do something with her that she would be happy about.

But since I don't actually believe she's getting married... Don't buy the eggs just yet ;)

Granted my DD is older and granted I am not even serious about anyone, but there would be no more precious cake than one she decoreated.

Oh GAG ME IMA! LOL.

The cake you made is just beautiful but please tell me BM was jokoing when she asked you to make her wedding cake. LOL! Oh god, I am so sorry. The sick nerve of some people.
I doubt she was being for real. She's probably trying to stir up some drama.

But the difference KKNY is you actually like and spend time with your DD... mom is too busy with the new "fiance" and his children to give a $h!t about children she actually birthed.

pseudo is right! (again!)

We had SD this weekend. We took her to the Halloween Carnival at school on Saturday & then went out to eat. She tried calling her mom's cell phone several times but got her voice mail & left messages. Well, Friday she had called her mom & her sister answered mom's phone. Her sister 'pretended' to be BM but SD caught on. She thought it was a game... maybe it was, or maybe her mom didn't want to talk to her & told her sister to pretend to be her. Who knows? Then, they tell her that her grandma is spending the weekend up there because it's grandma's birthday. Of course, I'm thinking "how nice, grandma has to drive to BM's on her own birthday..." of course it's probably because BM won't drive to pick up her other daughter so grandma takes her to see BM. (and of course, spent the weekend so she doesn't have to drive back on Sunday to bring her home) So, on Saturday when BM won't answer her phone, SD tries her sister's phone. Twice, it goes to voice mail too. Well, then she asks us if we know mom's BF's cell #. We don't, but DH dials grandma's cell phone and she answers. My best guess is that I never call SD's grandma & she doesn't know my cell phone number so she answered. BM & SD's sister know my number. I honestly think they didn't want to talk to her and were ignoring her calls. When grandma answered, she put BM on the phone. They talked for a couple of minutes and SD says, "well, can you call me back in ten or fifteen minutes?" and told her mom "don't forget!". Then we went to DH's parents' house for a while but BM never called. SD started saying she felt sick to her stomach and had diarrhea. Her mom never called back and SD finally called her Sunday afternoon & again left a message on her voice mail. Her mom called back just before her bedtime & I gave the phone to SD in her room. She came out right away and told DH that mom wants to talk to you. Then BM asks DH if she can take SD out of school early on Friday because she is taking her trick or treating. DH told her no and she told him "FINE THEN!" and he gave the phone back to SD. She talked to SD for about thirty seconds and told her she had to go. Now, SD is upset that her mom can't take her out of school early on Friday. BTW, School gets out at 2:20 and it's about a 3 hour drive back to BM's house. (less if there's no traffic). But, BM isn't even coming to get her, she's sending her mom & then picking up SD from her mom's house, which is an hour closer to her. I know she probably more worried because they are supposed to get her BF's kids too & take all the kids trick or treating. She doesn't let her BF go pick up his kids without her and he gets his kids at 5. (they live in the same town) It won't surprise me if she gets her mom to drive her kids up to her so she can be there when BF has to get his kids. Ugh! Didn't mean to hijack my own thread, but it's so freakin' irritating! As much as I hope SD didn't eat something that made her sick, I kinda think that would be better than her getting physically sick over what her mom is doing to her.

I wonder why SD isn't invited over for grandma's birthday. what a freek show BM's family is.

STunning cake! and i agree with many, politely decline, regardless thats its a no win situation but make it logical to sd. 1. your mom doesn't like me so i dont understand why she is asking...(even though you know...)
2. it costs alot of money and time and she's cancelled so often
3. i'm sure there are many other places she can buy a cake from.
...she's just putting you on the spot. What if you do make it and she complains that it tastes horrible and she accusses you of ruin her wedding?

I was thinking the same thing... why wasnt sd invited to grandma's bday?? agreed what a freakshow!!

"What if you do make it and she complains that it tastes horrible and she accusses you of ruin her wedding"

this is why I figured if you let sd make it she wouldnt be able to complain because her daughter made it as a gift for her and it would give you a lot of bonus points and bonding time with sd... all about improving the ol relationship with sd.

I asked FDH about this and he said that you should procrastinate on giving her an answer as long as you can. Make it sound like you'll "probably" do it, but never give a real answer. That way, when it comes around that time, you'll know better if it's going to happen or not.

Myself.....I don't necessarily agree with my FDH on this. Maybe because I'm a more direct person than he is or maybe it's just because I'm a decisive person and he's not (he can't make a decision if his life depended on it). I love the idea of you teaching SD to make the cake! It's a great way for her to do something for her mother and an even better way for you to spend some productive time with SD.

I pretty much gave her the answer when SD had her on the phone. I didn't say no, I said "I don't make wedding cakes". Thanks for all the compliments on the cake, but if you look close, you'll see it's NOT professional quality & I'm not going to put myself in that position. She lives 3 hours away and anyone that has ever transported a wedding cake knows that distance is the enemy. Brides are sometimes hard enough to please, let alone when they already hate you before they ask you to make their cake. She is still married to her first husband and we don't believe she will actually marry this guy, legally she can't. I guess they can have a (party) 'wedding' without making it legal. Who'd know?

I guess my whole point is that BM is DYING for us to say something or react to the news that she's getting married. It bothers me that she's using SD to send messages to me instead of asking to talk to me and asking me herself. When she asked DH to video her wedding, she asked him directly and he didn't ask her anything about her wedding, just told her he doesn't do that anymore. It seems like she's dying for us to ask her when or details. Honestly, we could care less. But, she keeps mentioning... video, dress, cake..

If I agreed to 'help' SD make it, I'd have to tell her that she needs to buy the ingredients & have someone transport it because I'm not going to. The whole thing is ridiculous. I even feel like she's accomplished what she set up to do, aggravate me. lol. Oh well, I'm more annoyed that she would even have the balls to ask (of course she has the nerve to ask through a nine year old, not to my face) than aggravated.

im new here but I have been lurking for a long while...I am on my second marriage as is DH..I had 1 daughter he had 3 boys, we had a little girl...a total of 5 whew! I need a nap LOL all 5 live with us

I read your original post and my heart really goes out to you why does BM need to be so manipulating..of course soem comfort comes from when they are older yadda yadda ..but right here right now...yull look like an ogre

I went thru a similar siutation with my SS bm.....I called her bluff

If your truly sure shell not marry this guy any time soon if at all....given that shes still married to another Id say thats a safe bet...I say tell her sure Id be happy to bake the cake ...go thru some of the motions if need be

SD will see you being the "grown up" and such and when the bottom falls out maybe shell see mums manipulative behaviour

I wish you the best

Morgan

Imamommy,
LOL, you just reminded me about my wedding cake! eheheh...it was transported over 6 hours for me. My cousin owns a bakery and insisted on the cake being his present...so couldnt' deny it.
BUt lol, at the reception i noticed real flower all around and i remember asking for sugar roses to fall from one level of the cake to the other like a cascade and he showed me pics of other cakes and he agreed that would be wonderful.
Well...little accident on the road, he swirved to avoid someone and one box fell over int he back...the box had all the sugar roses that he was to place on the cake...soooooo.. they were all dust now and he redecorated the cake with real flowers at the last minute during the ceremony!!! lol..it was still a stunning cake and i just laughed when he told me the story. He was happy i was upset and i honestly couldn't care as long as he was there safe.
Even if you say its not professional , i dont care. It looks stunning and as far as professional, i think it is. I've seen other cakes done by chefs that do not compair.:)
What flavour was it???

One level was pound cake with strawberry filling, one level was chocolate with chocolate cream filling, one level was chocolate with cream cheese filling. (chocolate/chocolate was my husband's idea but it was too much chocolate for me... everyone else's favorite though)

Ima, even if it is annoying, try to bear in mind that her poking & prodding about her wedding to try to get a reaction out of you/DH is simply a sign of her own insecurity and silliness. If she was truly secure in her relationship with the 'groom' and truly in love with him, she wouldn't give a flip about what your reaction is to her nuptials. Her desperately seeking the *satisfaction* of some kind of reaction should, in itself, give you the *satisfaction* that she's disproving the whole point of her attempts.

IMA, What Serenity said and how many other people on the planet bake cakes besides her Exs wife..Lovely, lovely cake, altho to me it does resemble a wedding cake and has butterflies, question...Did she plan her butterfly wedding after she saw the cake????? Maybe another jab at you, conscious or not...And kids dont always get what they want, her getting you to make moms cake,I wouldnt worry about her feelings too much, she ll get over it...I wanted a penquin when I was her age and didnt get it, and I am totally over that now......

I know that but it's no fun to see her drag her kids into it. I'd love to grab her, shake her or pound her head against a wall and yell "look what you are doing to your kids!!" " Don't you care????" and I know that I can't. Her relationship with her kids is her business but it doesn't make it any easier to watch. If she had called me, that's one thing. But, she involves SD by asking me through her daughter and she does that a lot. She's also got SD very excited about the wedding and SD brings it up frequently. I could be wrong, but I believe she has created a fantasy in SD's mind that everything will be wonderful when she marries BF... they'll be a family & she can go live there with them, etc. but that isn't going to happen.

The craziest part of all, she HATES when SD and I get along. (more insecurity about that) but the more she ignores SD, as time goes on, SD turns to me more & more. I not only spend more time with SD, but I talk to her, I listen to her and even though she has an attitude with me, she knows she can count on me when she needs me. As she is realizing that, she has less attitude with me and we are actually becoming closer because of the way BM treats her. That only upsets BM even more, but instead of giving SD more attention, she has chosen to give less time & attention. It's really sad all the way around.

I've also noticed other things she does to mimic our (DH & me) life. We ride ATV's, she went out & bought new ATV's for everyone last Christmas. We went to San Francisco for a weekend, she was going to do the same. We have an SUV, she went out and bought an SUV as soon as she moved there, even though her BF has a mini van that would accommodate all of them. She already had a new truck that her mom repossessed a few weeks ago. We've gone on a few cruises & now she's talked of wanting to take a family cruise. It's really humorous at times. She has no job, her BF's motorcycle & his kids dirt bikes were repossessed, her mom took back the truck she signed for because BM wasn't making the payments, they are about to be evicted & she can't or won't pay the $216 a month in support or any of the medical bills, but she is planning a grand wedding & all these trips. I think it's all in her head & she wants to create an illusion that she has a perfectly wonderful life. I'm not sure if she sees reality slapping her in the face... or if she just pretends it isn't happening. It will go away?

she still has no job? what is she doing every day? is she still behind on CS? unbelivable.

why wouldn't she take her older DD to live with her? grandma must be older and it is not that easy. My mom is in early 60s and still works in management position, so she is in a good shape, but she gets very tired when she watches my niece-6. It is difficult to take care of kids at this age. how can grandma tolerate this?