She sounds like she might be lonely and wants to feel needed or useful. Can you use the cake you baked with the kids to have a celebration at home on the weekend or another day? If you don't have time this weekend for any of them to stay over, maybe discuss with your DH when a good time would be and tell her not this weekend, and offer the time that fits for your schedule. Like I said, she sounds like she's just lonely.

I guess it just drives me crazy that she never listens to our wishes and just does whatever she wants when it comes to the kids. Examples

1. SS has asthma and she does not like him taking meds so she constantly tells us how he does not need them. Once when his asthma had been acting up she insisted on taking him even though I said it was not a good night because of his asthma. I told her no twice and then she made him feel bad and kept asking him to come to grandmas house. He cried and she took him anyways. Later that night I had to go get him because his asthma got worse and she called me.

2. SD has had weight issues when with MIL for extended periods. MIL overfeeds her to the point where she gets stomach aches and spends way too much time in the bathroom. We have told MIL that sd needs to not eat so much. Many times we arrive there and are offered food and tell MIL that kids and us just ate and nobody needs food. She then proceeds to take out food and tell the kids to eat because they must be hungry. We will say no again and she will tell us they are hungry.

3. After sleepovers we will tell the kids to get their clothes. MIL will tell them to leave them there for next time. We will tell MIL they will pack for next time and we want them to bring clothes back home. She will insist they leave the clothes there so she has extras.

It is just like no matter what we say she will not let us have our way as parents with anything!

My dh tells me I am too soft and let her push me around and I need to stand up to her. But when he is around he never stands up to her. I do not feel like it is my place to stand up to her, it is his. If it were one of my family members acting this way I would deal with it.

My mother was like that about my children and it drove me crazy so I know exactly how you feel. I don't know the answer for you because it's hard to get control of. My solution was to not live close by so I only had to deal with her on occasional visits. She acted like they were her children, not mine and that I didn't have sense enough to raise them. And I'm so bull-headed that I couldn't just let her take over and it usually caused visits to be unpleasant. Even after my children were grown she still tried to manage them and resulted in them not being very fond of her. My daddy, who was a very sensible person, could not keep her from doing this.

The only thing I would suggest in your situation is to do the parties at your home. Maybe that would give you a 'little' control over things. At least you wouldn't have to deal with carrying everything to her house. Why do her any favors when she doesn't appreciate it? And I would tell the kids beforehand that you have something planned for them and they absolutely cannot stay over and to not even ask. Then just ignore her when she starts asking. As for keeping their clothes suggest to her that if she wants clothes there for them to buy some for that purpose. And on the occasions that she talks them into staying make it plain if they need to come home SHE will do the bringing, not you going to get them.

Gajopa,

Your suggestions were great, but in my mil's case they will not work. She is unable to drive anymore and we already live almost an hour from her. So when we see her we must drive there. There is no public transportation to get her from there to here. I have tried telling the kids in advance they can not stay over there because we have plans. But, she guilts the youngest all the time by saying things like "don't you want to stay with grandma, don't you miss grandma?" Then he begins saying he wants to stay and cries when we say no. Then grandma jumps in with "just let him stay-not a big deal". UGGHHH!!

I know she is lonely and wants company and I wish that we could leave the kids there more. With living so far and the kids being in activities it is just too hard. We have told her that if she decides to sell her home she could get a small condo or townhome near us and see us all the time! She has no family living near her anymore. They all live close to where we moved.

control & co-dependence.

& you're laboring under the impression that it's benign, while she's using guerrilla warfare!

The kids baked the cake they wanted;
*Grandma's* cake should go into the freezer-at her house if not at yours.

Kids don't want to stay;
an adult (you or hubs) *firmly* says, "That's enough. no more discussion. The kids are coming home tonight."

Not only are the kids learning how Grandma controls the whole family (& children absorb the technique like sponges absorb water), but the asthma & over-eating issues are downright dangerous.

*Somebody* better clip Grandma's wings before she causes even more damage.

Has anyone here ever watched "Everybody Loves Raymond"?

It's supposedly a comedy, but it's not funny at all; it's horrifying & infuriating.

The mother is the "matriarch" who manipulates & controls her entire family, bribing, blackmailing, fault-finding, making them all miserable, zinging them with passive-aggressive barbs, controlling her husband & her grown sons, idolizing one son while destroying the other one's self-respect but keeping a tight rein on both of them, trapping her previously normal daughters-in-law in her disfunctional web until they become a part of the whole co-dependent system.

don't know exactly why I thought of that...

A great website for in law issues:

www.motherinlawstories.com

I highly recommend it. The women there have all sorts of advice.

Here is a link that might be useful: IL Issues

Well tonite was the night we went to mil's. We got there with dinner in a crockpot (so I could warm it back up easily) to find that she was also making dinner!!! She then tried to right away offer the kids her food. Dh told her we brought food. Then she asked what we brought and began talking about how can we eat meat on Fridays when we are catholic. Geez!

Anyways kids were looking forward to our dinner because it is their favorite so they told grandma they wanted what I made. Grandma did not eat our food though because of the meat issue.

When cake time came I was nice and we sang happy birthday twice--once with each cake. And everyone was given small pieces of each. It worked out good though because the one we made was an ice cream cake and the one she got was a regular cake with fruit filling.

Now that it is over I am calm. But I have to tell you I felt my face turning red when I saw her cooking dinner as we walked in!

Funny that's exactly what I thought of was the show "Everybody loves Raymond", I cringe at the things the MIL does on that show-horrible!

I don't know what to advise but think you handled it graciously that's for sure. But agree you & your DH must put your foot down about her overstepping the boundaries especially when it directly affects your kids health..

I think if she lived closer it would be even worse for you. At least this way she can't just drop by and interfere all the time. Could you imagine that on a daily basis? Don't encourage her to move closer-Yikes!

I have to say, I'm lucky with my MIL. She is a terrible cook and there have been a few times I suck it up and eat what she's serving. At parties, she knows I love to bake & cook (and that I'm very good at it) so I always cook the food and she always praises my efforts. For the most part, I have a wonderful MIL. (lol, nobody is 'perfect', right?)

But, this thread has reminded me of my grandma. She always had a huge plate of food ready for anyone that walked in her door. If you weren't hungry, she'd take it as an insult that you didn't like her and/or her cooking. (She was an amazing cook!) I think to her, food was love and she was generous with it. My parents would get into discussions every time we went to grandma's house. Dad didn't want to upset his MIL but he also didn't always want to eat what she served him and/or as much (she piled it on). If you've ever watched the movie "The wedding singer" where she pays him with meatballs, it's kinda like that, you don't want to hurt their feelings. (I love her reaction as he's eating the meatballs!)

Well, anyways... my point is that Grandma passed away 21 years ago and when I think back, I can still smell the sweet bread in the oven or the spices from her tamales... I didn't have a close relationship to her because we lived too far away to even spend the night every once in a while. I wish I had gotten to know her better and spend more time with her when I was growing up.

Looking back now, I can see that my dad probably didn't always enjoy going to his MIL's because many of the gatherings became parties where there was drinking & dancing (loud music) and lots of food. My dad is a non drinker, and is more comfortable in a quiet setting... talking. My mom's family enjoyed big loud parties, so he went. He never complained but I'm sure he would rather have stayed home. From a kid's perspective, going to grandma's was the greatest. I loved her cooking, I loved seeing my other relatives and I am glad that my dad (or both my parents really) didn't complain (at least in front of me).

There are times my parents (mostly mom) do things that are interfering or pushy, but I also know they won't always be around. They are my parents and unless they are starting a conflict with me or my husband (which they have never done), I suck it up and let most of the things go. (I've mentioned that my mom makes comments about my stepmom and I have told her how I feel about that) but I think it's silly to argue over who cooks/bakes the cake or get upset because she cooked and got a cake. It sounds like it worked out okay, but in the scheme of life, it isn't even something worth getting even a little mad over. The time will come when she is gone and how your kids remember her may become more important than who cooked dinner. That's just my 2 cents.

I think too she is just very lonely and that she shows her love by pushing food. My exMIL drove me crazy when the kids would visit with the exH. She'd feed them til they'd almost burst and then when they cried and said they had a stomach ache, she'd fill them with pepto bismol and start feeding them all over again. Wonder if this is the reason that the adult kids have little to do with her now.

Your MIL should not be allowed to bully your kids into staying with her. It'll alienate them from her later, perhaps.