Children with ADHD are not like other children their age. They do need more reminders and they do things quickly and without thinking many times. They can have impulsive behaviors. Its all part of the ADHD. As much as it upsets you it really is not totally the childs fault.

More than anything this child needs structure when he is with you. He needs to know what to expect and have some type of rewards set up to reinforce his good behaviors.

On this forum a poster named Ceph has lots of experience with her ss and his ADHD as well and if you look through her posts you will probably see lots of valuable info.

I've lived with ADD all my life, myself the 2 sons and now my youngest daughter who is the first to have ADHD. The "H" there has been a bit different for me as she is different dealing with than the boys who did not have the "H" part.

As much as others try, I've always rather thought it takes having ADD/ADHD to really understand it.

I would guess here that please/thank-you are not routine at BM's home. You can and will get the words but you will have to help SS remember them a good share of the time especially if it is not expected of him at BMs.

With the plates to the kitchen, you are likely to have to ask each and every time especially at first and then also when 'forgotten'. A simple "did you bring your plate in, if not would you please go it and do so". And yeah, you may have to do this a couple times each time as on the way back to get the plate something else may come along that will distract him on what he was doing (dog wants petted, cool show on tv whatever). A simple "I'm still waiting on your plate so I can get the dishes in the washer" may be needed.

You don't say what 'treatments' you're SS is receiving, sometimes meds have to be adjusted as child grows/gains weight ect. Some kids have trouble if they take say Adderal in the morning and then have homework after school if the meds are no longer 'working'.

If your SSs school offers ADHD support groups and classes you may want to look into them or if not other places offer them. There are books galore, some better than others, but your first step must be educating yourself on the subject and really getting an understanding on how things are for your SS.

I second what the others have said -- Patience. Educate yourself about ADHD. And some different parenting tactics. (My two boys are both ADHD)

One thing that works really well is to be sure I have their full attention when asking them to do something. Eye contact - short pause - request - then wait for them to begin to do it. If you walk away before they get up from the table or couch, you can expect your request to disappear into thin air. If he's stalled in TV land, my favorite tactic is to walk in front of the TV - then if he still doesn't pay attention, to say "Oh - I can see the TV is causing a problem. I'll turn it off for a few seconds while we take care of this..." That get's 'em moving! ;-)

A kitchen timer is also fabulous. Ask them if they think they can complete a task in five minutes (something that should take two) -- then say "OK - I'm setting the timer for five minutes. 1-2-3 Go!" Give them a 3-minute reminder to help. I think the 'beat the clock' goal helps them tune out other distractions.

And positive feedback when they succeed is also important. You know they hear a lot of griping during the day (as an inevitable byproduct of their ADHD) -- so when you can sincerely say "Thank you for being responsible" it means a lot to them.

If you and BM can speak civilly, you might also try sharing notes with her -- Ask what works well for her and if she's receptive, share some of your tips.

Your post brings back memories!

There was a time when I'd have been *grateful* for a 7-year-old gifted ADHD child peeing on the toilet...
instead of getting so absorbed in something that he wet (or worse) his pants.
They just do that.

& the computer thing?
The only way to get this kid to remember anything was to put his computer time on a rewards system-10 minutes added for remembering to wash hands, 10 minutes deducted for arguing about washing hands, etc.

As everyone said above, structure is vital, meds have to be understood (don't know if it's like this now, but at one time doctors strongly urged parents to omit the meds on the week-ends, since they tended to act as a sort of diet pill & the child's growth sometimes was inhibited!), & patience will help you as well as the child.

I wish you the best.

Aww, thanks Mom2emall! That was a nice pick-me-up :)

So, crazydyz8... Other posters have had good advice, and I'm just going to add in my story.

My SS is now 10 and a half. He was 7/8 when I came into his life.
His life was very unstructured and he spent time at four different houses each week - rarely spending more than one night in a row at one house. He had totally different rules and expectations in each house.
I, like you, expected him to hit the toilet when he peed, take his plate to the sink, use nice manners and follow instructions. I expected a regular bedtime, regular healthy meals, and a bit of routine... Whereas at his BM's mom's place (his grandma's) he had no bedtime, no expectations on his behavior, no rules, no healthy food, etc.
Yeah... It was a problem.

So I started reading and researching. I got DH (then BF) on board with making a few subtle changes. My DH is a great guy, but honestly, he's not very good at problem solving or initiating change.
Here are some of the changes we made... gradually and gently.

- We got a digital timer. SS wasn't very good at keeping track of time. He'd "plug-in" to whatever he was doing and hyperfocus on it, so even though 30 minutes had passed, he felt like it was 30 seconds and would be an angry little minion when we told him it was time to stop. The timer provided a visual countdown for him to see that he had 15, 10, 5, minutes left and we could say, "A__, how much time is left for you to play computer before you need to shower and get ready for bed?" He'd "unplug" for long enough to answer us, acknowledge the time that had passed and prepare for the upcoming end.
It was quite a few months of the timer before we were able to progress to just the ordinary clock. But now, we can say "You have to get off the computer at 9 to take a shower and go to bed" and it's smooth and easy! There are no tears and no tantrums!

- We began to switch the way we give instructions. Apparently an ADHD brain has a hard time reversing instructions. The example that was given to me was that if a kid was running on the deck of the pool, you might remind them "Don't run"... But for an ADHD child, that instruction only says what NOT to do, but doesn't tell them what they SHOULD do. So when an ADHD kid is running on the deck of the pool, you remind them "Walk".
Does that make sense?
So we say the "do" part of the instruction before the "don't" part. We still do this and it's extremely effective.

- We are also very specific about what to do and not do. For example, if SS wants to play outside we give the same instructions every time "You can stay on this part of the street, but you can't go past the corner because there is too much traffic." Boundaries are important with any kid, but clear and consistent boundaries are extra important for an ADHD kid.
So make the rules, keep them simple and make sure they are ALWAYS the same.

- We made a routine. It's consistent and he knows it. He knows the expectation is that he will follow the routine.
For example, on the weekend, at first the routine was just that he had to eat the breakfast that was left in the fridge for him and wash up afterward, as opposed to scavenging an entire box of crackers and wiping his greasy fingers on the couch. After awhile, once that was going well, we added in that he can read/play/watch TV etc, but no video games until 10 am. He has to have eaten breakfast, made his bed, brushed his teeth and be dressed for the day.
The rule is always the same. There was resistance at first, but now it's great!

- When talking to SS, he may not fully understand the instructions or even realize he's being spoken to unless you make sure you have his attention. So placing a hand on his shoulder and waiting for good eye contact before delivering the instruction makes a world of difference!!
He can follow instructions if he actually hears them. Who knew? LOL!

- PRAISE! For everything. All the damn time. Even if you think it's ridiculous to say "Thank you for turning the taps off when you were done washing your hands", reinforcing that connection in an ADHD brain is important.
And don't be afraid to interrupt him for praise. If SS has been asked to play quietly in his room for 30 minutes, I pop my head in at 15 to say "Thank you for being do good and quiet so far! 15 minutes is done. You're being very quiet and that's great." Whereas DH would leave him alone on the theory that he's being good so don't disturb him. But his brain needs that reinforcement!

- We made sure to only give 1 or 2 steps at a time. So instead of "You need to eat breakfast, brush your teeth, wash your face, get dressed in warm clothes, pack your school bag, and get your coat and mitts," we break it down to "The first step is to wash your face and brush your teeth. Can you do that, please?"... ... "How's washing your face and brushing your teeth going? Oh, almost done? Good."... ... "Alright, so now that you are nice and clean, it's time to put on clothes. It's cold out today, so you need a warm shirt. Please find a long-sleeved shirt and jeans."... ... "I see the long-sleeved shirt and jeans! Excellent!! Hmm, something is missing... Your toes will be awfully cold at school like that. What do you need?" "Yes!! That's right! You need socks! Good job for remembering."... ... "You look just right! Time for your backpack. Can you please go through the list in your bag, one item at a time, out loud for me?"... ... "Great! You remembered where everything is for your backpack. That's a very good job - you sure are organized this morning - I'm impressed!"
I give praise and one instruction at a time until I'm blue in the face.

So those are SOME of the things we've done. And we've seen wonderful improvements in how SS behaves. He's a totally different kid than he was three years ago. It's been gradual and subtle and a LOT of work... But so worth it!

Those are only the things that have worked for us. And for everything that has worked, I bet we've tried 3 that haven't. We try something for a few weeks, and if it doesn't seem to work, we scrap it and try something new.

There are a lot of really wise women here. They have kids and stepkids with all sorts of behavioral and neurological problems. So there's a LOT of good help and advice to be had here. Keep coming back, watch out for people who just want to tear you down (we do have the occasional bullying/trolling incident - as do all web forums), and PERSEVERE!!
It is an uphill battle when working with an ADHD child, but the little victories are worth it :)
I wish you strength and luck!

Thanks for all the advice. I felt foolish asking because I have a background in childhood counseling but I am at my wits end. He currently takes 36mg of Concerta Monday-Friday. His dosage has steadily increased over the last year and a half. The issue we have is that mom is a completely UNSTRUCTURED environment and I can't stress that enough. And no, BM and I are not not on civil terms at all. Because now that my husband is out of military and back in his son's life, BM is starting to be held accountable. In fact, BM b**ched me out last week because SS's school guidance counselor emailed me and DH about SS. She left a message with BM but because that email made us start asking BM questions she threw a fit. DH and I took SS for a second opinion because we truly doubt the ADHD. The psychiatrist we took him too strongly feels that SS has a language delay that is the root of the problem. He said the language delay is very commonly misdiagnosed at ADHD. However, because it was out second opinion and not BM's it didn't matter. Part of me also wonders how much of the issue could be ADHD and how much of it is just because of the happenings of the first 4 years of his life. Thanks again.

If you are tired of repeating yourself, you could try making lists/signs for your SS. My son has not had an ADD diagnosis, but has many of the same issues, and for me, the constant reminders are not effective and feel like nagging. Plus, my son is MUCH better at remembering written instructions than verbal ones.

Like ceph said, keep trying until you find what works. I am soft-spoken, and I think that's probably why verbal reminders don't work well for us. My son does OK with verbal instruction from dh.

Also wanted to say that it's good you are trying not to expect too much, but be careful about expecting too little as well!

Oh! Freezetag is right!
I hated when SS came to us from his grandma's house. Her total lack of expectations of him led him to have no expectations of himself.
If he came from grandma's house, we were in for a good 24 waking hours of "I can't," "I want," "Yeah, but," "No, but," and tantrums like you wouldn't believe.

Someone having faith in a child's ability to do well can make a real difference.

If you suspect a language delay is at the root (CAPD?), then what Ceph said about simplifying your language and using 'Do' statements instead of 'Don't' phrasing should really help.

My younger son also has language processing difficulties, and I had to learn to change the way I talk to make it simple and direct for him. But it really, really helps. When he was young, I had about five words. The first five words got through, but after that, the turned to 'blah, blah, blah' -- so some forethought was definitely in order.

Wait...why is he only getting his meds only during the week? My son is on the same dose of Concerta and he has a VERY difficult time if he is not on a continual dose. The Dr emphasized that he should not go off and on for the weekends. On those weekend days that we "forget" my poor kid is OFF THE WALL. It is just as hard (or harder) for him as it is for us. The effects of missing a dose mean his behavior is much "worse" than it was before he ever started the meds...kind of like a rebound effect.

We do have him take "medication vacation" during the summer.

From personal experience...this medication schedule may just be part of the problem.

Hmm, don't know what to tell you except I was visiting with my cousins children last week. One of who has pretty severe ADHD and to say this child would try my patience if I had to spend a lot of time with him would be an understatement, though he is very sweet-he is very mischevious also. My cousin feels very overwhelmed at times but luckily they have a strong family/support system.

Though he was on a medication "holiday" during this time, let me say there was a LOT of attention seeking behavior, running, touching & pinching his older sister etc...Blah. I feel bad for the kid but on the other hand..

My cousin says he takes Concerta which works really well for him for school. He also has a lot of self esteem issues so they are working with him trying to build his self worth etc. Normal punishment for naughty behaviors don't work on these kids, it's much deeper and they seem to have poor impulse control.

I think it will require you to exercise extreme patience with the realization this child needs a LOT of individual attention, encouragement and love..I have no personal experience here these are just my observations during family get togethers and talking with my family etc..

~Cat