Worst parental advice or advice that just didn't work for you
10 years ago
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- 10 years ago
- 10 years ago
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looking for advice on successful parenting
Comments (31)(((((((( hugs to you OP)))))))))))) I'm sure most of us can remember moments of great frustration, being at our wit's end, and really struggling with all things parenting. Like you, I looked to books to help answer my questions. When I was raising mine (now 23 and 19), most of my mom-friends were much more permissive than I was, which created quite a struggle for me. They were happy to let their kids get up and down from the table during meal time, to stay up till 11 pm, to dump the playdough in the livingroom. I didn't want to raise my children in the heavy handed manner my parents raised us, but these things just seemed like common sense to me. But because I was still finding my way, I questioned myself frequently, and would experiment with loosening the rules in some of these ways. Each time it created chaos in our house, which ultimately made me lose my temper, and completely confused my children. Finally I saw the light and decided that I had to be true to myself. I wanted a calm house, and for us that meant regular meal times at the table, regular bedtime, etc. I wish I had learned that earlier. Having said that, I still think there is great wisdom to be gleaned from many sources. But that wisdom should sit on top of your core self, not replace it. Another thing I read that stuck with me, and helped many times, was to 'think like a cop'. Some may read that and think that is just the opposite of kind, respectful parenting, but in fact it isn't. When a cop pulls you over, he is calm, but unyielding -"Hello, ma'm, did you realize you missed a stop sign back there?" -not, "For God's sake, you blew right through that stop sign!!!!" When you offer an excuse, he hears you, and is often empathetic, but rarely rips up the ticket. "I'm so sorry ma'm, and I sincerely hope your husband is out of the hospital very soon. Please take care." Now yes, I'm still mad, because I got a ticket... but notice, I'm a pretty damn careful driver after that. Just that visual helped me stay calm so many times with my kiddoes. I think you are very much on the right track with your emphasis on respect and empathy. Just as long as that doesn't turn into the child feeling that their needs, their wants and their feelings trump everyone else's. I've come to believe this (knowing some will not agree): If you do it right when they are pre-highschool, you will have an easier time of it than the parents who were very permissive earlier. I've come to believe it because it seems to have pretty much worked out that way among my friends. I'm not including families who have struggled with autism or other issues, particularly neurological -those of course are very different issues I know very little about. I think you can be doing everything right, and it can still feel very, very difficult at times. It's just the nature of the beast. But if you can lay your head down on the pillow most nights and feel you gave it your best, that you met your children with kindness and respect while training them to live successfully in the world, you can be proud.///...See MoreParents getting a new dog small vs med or large advice
Comments (52)Hi all thanks for the comments. After reading them I can see I left out some details. I would never just go and get my parents a dog. Although my mom did this to me once! They are ready and have made the decision to get a dog. Mom asked me to start the search, she doesn't have the internet and wanted me to search pet finder which is where I found my three rescues. There are a lot of steps and processes with rescues and I am helping understand how it all works. I am very familiar with breeds and there personality traits and what my parents life style is and what they like, and what their needs are so I can weed out dogs that wouldn't be right. If I find something I think they would be interested I let them know and they check out the profile. There was as I mentioned one attempt but the rescue did not respond the dog has been on the web site for a long time which cast doubt in my mind about this rescue. Mom took it personally feeling judged and this may turn her off the rescue process. Usually in our area small dogs generate a lot of interest and are adopted quickly and are removed from the website. We did go to a local pound but mom made it clear she didn't want to do this again, she feels badly for the animals, getting them excited or upset when we didn't adopt (the right dog wasn't there) She has a big heart for animals and hates to see them suffer. Ultimately the decision to which dog they get will be moms but I really would like it if she would let my Dad have some influence on what breed size they get. Every dog they have had had been mom telling dad where to drive to the breeder and mom picking the dog from the litters. Dad lets mom have what she wants happy wife etc. There is nothing wrong with getting a puppy from the breeder but the last time they did this was not a great experience. Mom called an add in the penny saver and it turned out to be a puppy producing business not a breeder, not a puppy mill but the next thing to it. The first puppy became sick very quickly and died after my parents spent a lot at the vet and invested their hearts in the puppy trying to save it, the " breeder" then gave then a really hard time about honoring the guarantee. I was not able to say or do anything about it. Obviously I would be able to help avoid this if they were to buy a puppy this time but I would prefer to go with a rescue. The dog that needs a home is with seniors they got her as a puppy, she is a calm girl already fixed. I suggested to my parents they could foster this dog. If they decided to give it a try I want them to know if it didn't work we would find a home for her, but at least this way we would have the dog in a safe home and not the pound until the best home could be found. I of course would love it of course if it turned out that mom learned that she would want to keep and have something bigger than a shih Tzu. Of course there are always things I haven't thought about. I need actual peoples experience with different sizes pros cons, and the things that I couldn't possibly know. That's why I come here because yall always give my things to think about, make me think outside my own box its great....See MoreWeek 106 - The worst advice you were given during remodeling
Comments (48)I have quad outlets everywhere. I did them anywhere I d@mn well pleased in the kitchen, too. I can't tell you how many people said I didn't need them. Until I reminded them that electrical needs of the 30s and 40s changed dramatically in the 80s and 90s. Imagine what they'll be in the next 50 years. Just the list that looklakelaborcamp listed isn't even the beginning, if you really think about it. How many chargers? How many battery operated tools and cleaning implements do we have these days? OT: I had my windows and sliders on the front of the house taken out. I think I'm going to brick the front (after much research here on GW/Houzz) but first things first. I'm replacing my horrendous windows and sliders with Anderson casement windows and two sets of beautiful, 2" thick antique doors where the sliders were. Those sliders just plain sucked, as did the windows. Talk about leaky... My house looks like it's foreclosed upon, all boarded up. Doesn't help that my lawn was up to my waist. Who needs to buy grass seed? Just grow your own. I'm sure, though, that the scummy neighbors figure it's now mowed because it's going up for sale. I'm kind of afraid to leave! CL: 7 new windows $500. 4, exterior, antique doors $200. Labor: to take out? Free. To put back in? $100 a day and they will be PERFECT. If it takes longer than a day, given my weird house, it's $100 until that window is done! I can afford this....See MoreI didn't buy 20 acres of land to just to be able to grow in containers
Comments (8)It's just that you seem to reject all our advice that it takes a long time to build the soil. Have you tried permaculture? Even with that, it will likely take 3-5 years to get really good soil. When I lived in my house, one whole side of my house was marl fill dirt. It took me at least 10 years of digging and amending the soil to make it worth a crap. You just seem very impatient to have perfect soil. You will never have perfect soil in S. Florida. It isn't going to happen. You have to choose things that grow well in our soil or heavily amend it. Complaining incessantly about it isn't going to make it be magically better. You have to grow what works. In my marl soil, much of which was under a huge oak tree, I planted things that didn't have to be planted very deeply, like gingers, bromeliads and philodendrons. I let the leaves fall and stay where they fell and eventually, there was beautiful soil. In the sunny part, it was a matter of digging a tiny hole in the marl, filling it with water, letting it sit, digging it out a little bigger, rinse and repeat until I had a hole large enough to plant in, then adding 50-75% organic matter to the hole. Then I mulched it heavily every year with leaves with a topping of bark for appearances. After I dug and planted enough holes and dumped enough leaves, earthworms came in, but it still took 10 years to get nice, black, crumbly soil. We all vent about how hard certain things are to grow down here, the heat, the rain, the cold, etc., etc. I always say that gardening in FL is like going to war with Mother Nature. You win battles and lose battles, but you never win the war....See More- 10 years ago
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