notfittingin, I can totally relate and I can tell you after 8 years of putting up with bull crab it does not get better. These divorced Bio parents will always feel guilty and feel like they have to except their kid's rude, selffish ways,no matter what, You will come second to them forever. Sorry to be honest but that is the way it is.

It is totally frustrating and makes for a bad marriage.

Have to agree somewhat.

I come in here dead last. Adult Skids rule my life which revolves around whatever drama, bailing out of or living situation they have gotten themselves into.

I always thought it would get better when they gre up and moved out, but they moved back in after 6 months and THEY run the house. Because they never really grow up, they don't have too.

I'm taking a travel job in hopes that eventually my DH will tire of this, and want for us to have a normal life together. I don't think it will happen though. I think he will just give up and continue letting them run his life til he dies.

You'll be lucky to be second in her life, I think I'm third or fourth down on the list. I wouldn't advise you or anyone else to stay in it, but if your heart is set on it & you are still in love with her then I would suggest lots and lots of counseling and NOT parenting her kids. That's her job. If they aren't following the rules in your home and she refuses to uphold them then you have a problem. For you to lay down the law and enforce makes you the baddie always and the kids will be resentful to you.

She isn't doing herself any favors either because as they get older instead of becoming independant and self supporting they'll stay with Mommy and let her support them forever-ugh.

I really don't know what to say, I'm sorry for being so negative, I'm just relating to my experiences and living situation. Your's may be completely different.

Is the father in the picture at all?

~Cat

Dear Notfittingin,

I'm not saying that this is true in all situations but it was true in mine. What I thought was a SD problem in my first marriage turned out to be a husband problem. When my SD left home my 1st husband and I continued to have a great many difficulties. I finally realized that it wasn't SD it was her dad. Needless to say, we divorced. I do have two children by him but he is now not a part of their lives.

I would suggest counseling if your wife will go. Go for yourself if she won't. She is doing her kids a grave disservice to allow them to behave as you described. For whatever reason she is allowing all of this she needs to learn a better way of doing things. Even if your marriage won't survive she owes her children and herself a better way of dealing with things. How she deals with these issues is helping to give the kids the tools that they will use to solve problems when they are adults. Some times we learn from outside sources but often we deal with things the way our parents did.

It definitely hurts to feel that you come in last. Blended families take a lot of hard work on every one's part. Best of luck to you.

I agree that this is not a "kids problem," this is a "wife problem."
And I absolutely agree with that "Blended families take a lot of hard work on every one's part"

IMO, parenting, stepparenting and/or holding together a relationship are NOT easy tasks. But your DW is taking the easy way out in parenting (which does the kids no good) and wanting you to pick up the relationship slack it causes (which does the marriage no good).
I understand that she has guilt about the kids and the divorce, but what she SHOULD have guilt about is being a crappy parent and not helping her kids grow up into proper responsible people, and the stress it's causing you.

Once again, I agree that you and DW need some marriage counseling, she needs a parenting class and maybe the two of you could use a blended-family course.

Notfittingin - I can totally empathize. Up until FDH and I had a break, he did not understand that he was enabling FSD's disrespect of me and putting me last on the list. He really gets it now and understands the need for boundaries and rules, where as before he pretty much allowed, if not inadvertantly encouraged it. I was relating your post to him, and while I was, I remembered an instance many years ago when FDH seriously, but not intentionally, undermined me to his daghter. It was about 4 years ago, he was taking her home, and she says something to him that she likes me, but I have too many rules. His response was "Yeah, she does have a lot of rules, huh?" He told me this story and I was so hurt that his response to her basically gave her permission to not obey my rules; THE HOUSE RULES; the same rules everyone follows, including me. I asked him why he didn't respond with something like "Yeah, but they are for our own good and help make our home run smoothly" or maybe "I know it's more rules than you're used to at my house, but it's harder to coordinate 4 people than it was when it was just you and me". He was more interested in being her friend than being a parent. So when I was talking about this incident, he said "I was enabling her". I couldn't believe he said that! He's a great dad, and sometimes he inadvertantly throws me under the bus in order to look like the "good guy". He wants her to be happy and it makes her feel like he's on her side.

I agree that you both could use some counseling. I'm sure that her inaction is frustrating, but how you react to it can make things worse. Hang in there, though. I know you may be miserable now, but things can change in the blink of an eye.

A big part of the problem is that you have lost the power to control your home environment. Your wife may seem lenient, but really she's making choices that favour her kids' desires over your needs. This will last another six months or so, and then you'll move out. The writing is on the wall.

I suspect that your wife doesn't recognize how serious the problem has become. I agree that you should go to a counsellor as soon as possible to see if this situation can be salvaged. You sacrificed a great deal for this woman, so you must love her very much.

Also, I recommend a book called "Stepcoupling". It will teach you both how to put your marriage first, and act as a coparenting team. It will be good for you, but even better for the kids. They need to more stability than this situation is providing.

Your parenting style is obviously completely at odds with hers. These are her children. If you try to interfere, everyone, both the children and their mother, are going to resent it. If you do not like her parenting style, I don't understand why you moved in with her in the first place. You also mentioned that you like being alone - that is not a reasonable expectation when you are living with woman with 4 kids.

From your description of yourself, you sound like you are in your 80's, not your 40's. I am about a decade older than you are, brought up by parents who were born before World War I, (not II) and I was not "brought up in the old days, where you had respect for your elders, had chores, got your butt whipped if you didn't listen, didn't backtalk."

Thanks for you comments !

Not being a Bio parent, I will never know the feelings they have, and them never being a Step parent, they will never quite understand the feelings we have. It's a tough deal, and I applaud all of you who have worked thru all the issues and continue to do so.

Now, I must go back and check my birth certificate to make sure I'm not 80.

I don't think you're 80, not fittingin! I'm younger than tos and _I_ was brought up in a similar fashion to you, as were my friends. Not everyone lived in Liberty Hall.
Anyway, she's called the other side for a good reason. If a stepparent says black, she says white, and vice versa. You have to forgive her, she's hardwired that way.

Notfittingin:

I'm a stepdad too. I tuned into my stepson's life when he was 9 and guess what - my wife and I learned very quickly that our parenting styles were much different.

Yes, I am more for the set rules - that if you break them there are set punishments and rewards if they are followed. Check out my one entry a while back with my cry for help and you'll see yours and my situations are pretty similar.

Well, I'm still married after 7 years (plus two years dating) and the situation really has not changed in terms of our styles. How is this working? - I had to disengage.

I had to step back and look at things as objectively as I could. Not a small feat as I had grown to love my stepson and was distressed that he would have no structure in his life. Still, when I did so I realized that if I wanted to stay married I'd have to let my wife parent her children and just lend support where I could.

OK, so that's not total disengagement whereby the stepparent doesn't make any call whatsoever, but I basically backed off and let my wife handle all of the day-to-day.

We still had some tough times. I did try to step in at times but my wife's claws really came out. My stepson got some iffy friends, was doing drugs, and got himself arrested as well. Still, as much as it pained me, I allowed my wife to deal with it in her style. The kid's not perfect, but now at 18 he is going to community college and actually liking it and doing well. Oddly, the arrest involved his being drug tested every week or so and thus he actually complied and stopped doing those.

Would things have been different had I been allowed more leeway with raising him? Who knows. I do know that with all the strife it would have caused my wife and I would have likely split - it was that bad. By backing off and just accepting that I was not going to have the typical parental influence it made things easier for everyone.

My point in telling you my situation is that if you want to stay married to this woman you may have to consider a similar course. In this way I actually agree with "Theotherside" in that imposing your style will likely build resentment - in BOTH of you - over time.

What is interesting is that my wife and I have two kids of our own now. We are much more of a team with them, and my structure is being allowed to mesh with her approach and we're functioning very well. Had I tried these things with my stepson I would have been mauled.

Good luck.

Hi notfittingin,

I am a stepdad and a dad. I think that you and your wife need to start regular visits to a family counsellor as soon as possible. You need to address the problems in the home and the different parenting styles.

Your house sounds like it is in total disarray and the kids by your explanation are out of control. If they are not paying attention in school, then you and your wife will need to talk to their teachers.

I don't see how, with the ages of the children, you can just shut yourself off. You might just end up alienating all of them. I really don't see how that could work well when you have so many years left until the younger ones are adults and on their own.

Many kids thrive on routine. Maybe your wife would be less stressed if the kids had a more regular schedule at home (homework, getting ready for bed, limits to tv time). Perhaps the younger kids would respond positively to that.

However, if you want to run your house like the military, that won't fit at all with your wife's style. You might have to reach some kind of compromise and then back each other up. It's important that you project a united front.

By their actions, the kids are not showing you any respect. Your disengaging isn't going to change that.
You and your wife need to have a long talk, meet with a counsellor, and then there should be a family meeting where expectations are set.

If your wife is unwilling to do this, then your marriage is on very shaky ground. At the very least, go to a counsellor by yourself and discuss your options.

Looking at Athlete's response I'm afraid my own may be misinterpreted.

When writing my suggestion to 'disengage' I tried to mitigate the word by citing my own example, and perhaps I was not clear. I do NOT, by any means, seek to suggest that you completely cut yourself off from your stepchildren. I merely am suggesting that you are likely going to have to realize that your parenting methods will probably have to take a far lesser role compared to your wife's. If it's a mixture, I would think that 85-90% of the parenting philosophy will be your wife's and the remainder yours. That is assuming you want to keep peace in the household - especially between you and your wife.

I do not deign to say that all situations are like this either. Perhaps with counseling your wife may come around more toward a 50/50, but through observation and my own experience (which sounds so much like yours) I'd predict not. Should not preclude you from trying, but my heartfelt thought is that eventually you will have to let your wife take that major role.

Again, this does NOT mean that you do not interact with the kids. You should be involved with all facets of their lives whenever possible and I am sure it will be very rewarding. You just might have to let go of your ideas regarding rules and discipline and agree to disagree. Your wife loves her children I am sure, and while you might think that her more permissive style is detrimental, you have to keep telling yourself that trying to impose here might not be the best for all included.

My own experience tells has shown this to be true. Again, my 18-year-old stepson was raised, in my opinion, VERY permissively. I did interject where I felt I could - and I did all that I could with him too. I coached his soccer teams, we play golf together, I helped with the homework, etc. I feel that in this way I served to help him by being an example rather than trying to impose my own child-rearing theory, and in the end I have a happier marriage now and a great relationship with my step. I see him trying to take more responsibility on his own, and I'd like to think that's from my influence just being there and doing what I could - MY 10-15% as it were.

What's funny is to hear him comment now when he thinks my wife is too lenient with his 7- and 4-year-old siblings. Again, with our own biological kids my wife and I are much more 50/50 (I think my own style is actually a bit more, but I suspect a bit a coddling behind my back LOL).

Anyway, it takes some time to step back and look at things as objectively as you can. In the end, it might be what saves the day. Can't be sure, but that's my suggestion for what it's worth.

Best to you.

I am so so so lucky that my husband and I have very similiar discipline beliefs THANK GOD! It is really hard when there are two opposite parenting styles trying to share a house with blended children.

I will say follow through and boundaries are two extremely important guidlines for children of all ages. Without boundaries children do not feel safe and with out follow through adults are not taken seriously. Neither is a good thing.

Unfortunatly your wife is a guilty parent. Even worse she is a FEARFUL parent. She is terrified that if she puts any restrictions on her children they will leave her as the eldest two did. This is going to make it even harder for her to stick to her guns where the kids are concerned.

My only advice would be choose your battles wisely. If it's been four years of this I doubt mom is going to change her views. By not focusing on the smaller things you may save some of your sanity. It's really all you can hope for if the children's parent rfuses to tweak her methods.

I hope things eventually get easier for you. Good luck.