Ok, you SMs are so smooth and so good. Obviously. Just keep insulting the mom, and we will keep filing for more CS. So I will sign off, but all these SMs who dont want kids, but want Dads money, have made my pont.

Asta la vista

filing for more child support, now that is the answer... it just warms the heart doesn't it. I'm sure THAT;s not about REVENGE, it's all about the love of your child... yeah, ok.

No Ima,

The point is when SMs act like they own the world, what goes around, comes around.

willow -- shakes head in disbelief and utter confusion.
WHAT INSULTS?!?!?!?! AND GUESS WHAT....YOU CAN KEEP RIGHT ON FILING FOR MORE CS...but do you think you'd get it because your exH's GF is insulting you? Give me a break. You know what else, I'm not a BM hater. What I do not appreciate is the fact that some BM's scream out with this sense of entitlement and control that because you were the first wife...that because you are the bioMom...you get to act any way you want to. That it's perfectly acceptable....and that we seconds/steps/GF's, etc. should shut the heck up and bow down, succumb to your brow beatings, scrutiny, constant bickering, and often times unfounded accusations. I am a bioMom and also a GF....I DO NOT GET YOU KKNY.

of course what comes around goes around. before my SD's mom signed over custody, she filed for CS expecting to get a huge award. She's been living off the nearly $1200 a month she gets from her first husband for their one child for 11 years. She attends school (for 11 years) and hasn't worked a real job in her adult life. She even went out and bought a 2007 Silverado last year (w/ her mom as co-signer because she doesn't have a job). She also tried to get the court to use MY income which is more than my husbands this year and she wanted the court to use 0 income for her because she's a "student". Well, after imputing income to her and the 50/50 time share, she got an award of $286 a month and three weeks later, handed over full custody to him. I think she made that decision because she met a new guy but if she had gotten a huge child support order, I'm thinking she would have tried harder to keep her other meal ticket. I don't understand why a parent would use a child in that way to "hurt" the other parent. Before they went to court, there was no order. Whenever he didn't go along with what she wanted, she would threaten to take his daughter away and make him pay a huge amount of child support. Child support is something the child is entitled to but seems to be the weapon of choice when the ex gets angry about something, it's time to go back and increase it. and when they do that in the name of the child's best interests, it's a crock and they are using their child to get revenge.

I've spent hundreds of dollars on the counseling to help this child through it and mom, not only doesn't pay, she has never once asked how her daughter is handling it. I don't think I own the world but I refuse to be put down and insulted for trying to do the right thing.

You are entitled to have your opinion and in twenty years, if you are happy in your life, then that is great. I don't understand what you hope to accomplish by your comments. My goal is make MY life, including my SD's, a better place than in a hostile battle over who has more control.

Heah, I hear your capitals (or screaming).

And I hear a lot of SMs and FSMs who just dont want the children.

And yes, if my X can support a GF who spends her time sunbathing etc, (oh I forgot, she is a "consultant" -- not certain what $$ she is making), he can pay 50K per year for DDs college. And GF is not insutling me. I dont speak to her. But I hear a lot from this board, and it is informative.

I worked for 25 year years I was married (OK, part time for some) and did childcare. Dads GF has total control over the pool, and a darn good job she is doing.

I hear you kkny. Meaning, I understand what you are saying and how it can be frustrating to know that Dad's GF is benefitting from what you think DD should be getting. If Dad is not doing what he is supposed to be doing according to the letter of the CS order, then he needs a swift kick in the tail. But, to expect that he pay the entire bill for college is extreme...or are you going to pay half or some of it as well. I agreed with you, in part, on another post about college loans being too much (especially the interest) but the reality is that a lot of families get loans out.

kkny,

in your state, does child support continue after age 18? In CA, it doesn't. College is not something a child is "entitled" to. It may be your opinion that he can afford it and maybe he would rather spend it on sunbathing GF. That's not your business. It's not even your daughter's business. If he meets the legal obligation of providing support, then you have no control over whether he pays for her college or not. You can beat your head against that wall all day and it's not going to change it. Is it fair? NO. You gave 25 years of your life to that marriage and he left you holding the bag. Was that fair? NO WAY. But life isn't fair. You can't MAKE him do anything and you're lack of control is probably eating you up. My best guess is that you are 45-50 years old and life is too short to hang on to the bitterness. If she really needs to go to college, then she will find a way. If he has the means and won't pay, then it's up to her to resolve her feelings with him. It really has nothing to do with you.

When my kids were small, I was ALWAYS strapped for money. If I called my dad, he usually sent what I needed. One day, he just said, sorry. He had the money. He also knew I had three kids and that if he continued to just give to me, I might never stand on my own and handle it without calling him. It was the best thing he could have done. I've learned to depend on myself and over the years, he's helped but the biggest help was when he said no. When I figured it out for myself, I was left with a feeling of accomplishment.

But, to expect that he pay the entire bill for college is extreme...

Unless you know his income and mine, I dont know how you can say that. The law in many states now is they look to a number of criteria. That he can afford GF to be at the pool all day says a lot.

Every situation is different.

I own my own business and sometimes, I could hang out at the beach all day and still be making money. Like you said, you don't know what she makes, or doesn't. I've never heard of a guideline that includes new GF or even new spouse being at the pool all day as a basis for calculating support.

Ima,

A lot of states do require parents to pay, so trust me, this is under my control. I am sorry you were strapped for money, I truly am, but that doesnt mean everyone should be. This mantra of SMs that life isnt fair doesnt mean they should walk away with all the $$. So please, dont try to convince moms that they are not entitled to money from dad for the childs college.

Alabama - Courts may require parents to provide post-minority support for child's college education. Bayliss v. Bayliss, 550 So. 2d 1038 (1989); Ala. Code 30-3-1.

Alaska - Courts may not require parents to pay for college. H.P.A. v. S.C.A., 704 P.2d 205 (Alaska 1985).

Arizona - No statute or case law holding parents to duty. Solomon v. Findley, 167 Ariz. 409. 808 P.2d 294 (1991).

Arkansas - No statute or case law holding parents to duty. Solomon v. Findley, 167 Ariz. 409. 808 P.2d 294 (1991).

California - No statute or case law holding parent to duty.

Colorado - Colo. Rev. Stat. § 14-10-115(1.5)(b) provides that for orders entered prior to July 1, 1997, support may be ordered. In re Marriage of Robb, 934 P.2d 927 (Colo. Ct. App. 1997).

Connecticut - No statute or case law holding parent to duty.

Delaware - No statute or case law holding parent to duty.

District of Columbia - D.C. Code § 16-916 provides that minor children are entitled to support; the age of majority is 21.

Florida - No statute or case law holding parent to duty.

Georgia  No statute or case law holding parent to duty.

Hawaii - Haw. Rev. Stat. § 580-47 and Haw. C.S.G. provide that courts may order support for adult children in college.

Idaho - No statute or case law holding parent to duty.

Illinois - 750 Ill. Law. Con. Stat. § 5/513 provides that court may make provisions for educational expenses of child, whether or minor or majority age.

Indiana - Ind. Code § 31-1-11.5-12(b)(1) provides that a child support order may include sums for institution of higher learning.

Iowa - Iowa Code § 598.1(2) provides that support means an obligation which may include support for a child between 18 and 21.

Kansas - No statute or case law holding parent to duty.

Kentucky - No statute or case law holding parent to duty. Reed v. Reed, 547 S.W.2d 4 (Ky. 1970).Louisiana - No statute or case law holding parent to duty.

Maine - No statute or case law holding parent to duty.

Maryland - No statute or case law holding parent to duty.

Massachusetts - Mass. Gen. Laws ch. 208, § 28 allows court to render support order for child between ages 18 and 21 who is dependent on parent for support.

Michigan - No statute or case law holding parent to duty.

Minnesota - No statute or case law holding parent to duty.

Mississippi - Age of majority is 21; college support may be ordered. Stokes v. Martin, 596 So. 2d 879 (Miss. 1992).

Missouri - Mo. R. Civ. Pro. 88.01; Mo. Rev. Stat. § 452.240.5 provides that support obligation may be extended to age 22 for college.

Montana - No statute or case law holding parent to duty.

Nebraska - No statute or case law holding parent to duty.

Zetterman v. Zetterman, 245 Neb. 255, 512 N.W.2d 622 (1994).

Nevada - No statute or case law holding parent to duty.

New Hampshire - Gnirk v. Gnirk, 134 N.H. 199, 589 A.2d 1008 (1991) held that support may be awarded for college expenses.

New Jersey - Newburgh v. Newburgh, 88 N.J. 529, 443 A.2d 1031 (1982) held that court has jurisdiction to entertain motion to modify original judgment of divorce to award payment of college expenses.

New Mexico - No statute or case law holding parent to duty.

New York - N.Y. Dom. Rel. Law § 240(1-b)(c)(7) provides that court may award educational expenses for college to age 21.

North Carolina - No statute or case law holding parent to duty.

North Dakota - N.D. Cent. Code § 14-09-08 allows court to order college expenses. Donarski v. Donarski, 581 N.W.2d 130 (N.D. 1998)

Ohio - No statute or case law holding parent to duty.

Oklahoma - No statute or case law holding parent to duty.

Oregon - Or. Rev. Stat. § 107.275(1)(e) authorizes court to order parent to pay support for child attending school to age 21. In re Marriage of Crocker, 157 Or. App. 651 (1998)

Pennsylvania - No authority to award college support. Curtis v. Kline, 542 Pa. 249, 666 A.2d 265 (1995)

Rhode Island - No statute or case law holding parent to duty.

South Carolina - Court may order college support. Risinger v. Risinger, 273 S.C. 36, 253 S.E.2d 652 (1979)

South Dakota - No statute or case law holding parent to duty.

Tennessee - No statute or case law holding parent to duty.

Texas - No statute or case law holding parent to duty.

Utah - Utah Code Ann. § 15-2-1 provides that in divorce actions, courts may order support to age 21.

Vermont - No statute or case law holding parent to duty.

Virginia - No statute or case law holding parent to duty.

Washington  Wash. Rev. Code § 26.19.090 provides that the court may, in its discretion, award college support.

West Virginia - No statute or case law holding parent to duty.

Wisconsin - No statute or case law holding parent to duty.

Wyoming - No statute or case law holding parent to duty.

Ima, you and the others give the push to increase every monthly bill. Have to back to check my checking account etc. bye for now

most of those say no and if you live in a state that says yes, then let the court make the determination.

Kkny my point with mom101604 was that I felt a great deal of empathy for this woman who had come to the forum very distraught about her own feelings and looking some kind of guidance or positive input for what must be an untenable situation for her. She needs some real help not people telling her how horrible she is. She likely beats herself up about her feelings all the time as it is. She was looking for some help and she didn't get it.

But having said that I empathize with her does NOT translate into meaning that I think it is OK for a SM to hate a young girl. Of course I do not think it is OK for a SM to hate a young child and my guess is that there are many other forces at work in the family causing her to feel bad besides your view that she is just a selfish evil stepmother only thinking about herself.

I don't think biomom's are horrible people and I do appreciate they have gone through a loss, but do biomom's realize they are not the only ones who have gone through a loss? Too often, biomoms subsume into the victim role and find it quite comfortable there because then they never have to take control of their own life, and there is always plenty of "social" support for that role.

Even though there is another household that would happily assume a good share of raising the children, biomom doesn't want that. So, she often sabotages her ex and his wife's relationship to stave off the nagging fear that maybe, just maybe, she had some responsibility in the breakdown of the marriage too.

Instead of directing her energy toward building a new life she snipes from the side and makes everyone miserable including herself. Her payoff is that she gets to be the poor castoff single parent mother and the one thing she holds onto with dear life is her belief that she is a good mom. And to justify her position she says to herself, "that SOB ex and his wife are living high on the hog while me and the children are doing without. SHE doesn't care about children, all SHE cares about is herself".

This belief is communicated to children as sure as the sun rises. So when the children go to what could be another very loving home, they aren't allowed to feel good about it because they would feel very guilty about mommy, home all by herself with no daddy, because SHE "stole" daddy.

It is just such a waste and so destructive. Step mom's can be a tremendous value to their stepchildren. And, if the marriage is functioning well, they can bring many positive experiences to your children if you let them. This isn't a competition about who is the best wife, mother, woman, this is about raising children.

And you would have 16 year old child handle her own case? Doesnt sound very realistic to me.

The expensive northeast states, NY, NJ, seem to be reasonable, just my opinion. But I guess you can say they favor the lesser earning former spouse.

I cant remember the last time I had a day at the beach, so thanks again for the reminder. Back to my xcell sheet on expenses.

I am over 50. Lack of control isnt eating at me. X is pretty much in the box financially. What I do like about this board is it gives me the SMs atittude. Me first.

"What I do like about this board is it gives me the SMs atittude. Me first."

Personally, I think the majority of human beings put themselves or their loved ones first before anyone else in the entire world... I know I do.

I'am happy in my own situation as well. I would do it again.
My husband and I have always been on the same page though.
He never expected me to do it all nor do we have any problems where he isnt supportive of me and likewise.
(my husband has 3 kids by Two other women,and one with me)
I dont have any real problems with one of the bio-moms.I actually like her alot.Two of his girls are wonderful and have good relationships with us and our daughter.
We do have some issues with the other daughter by the different mother,but we feel the same about the situation so it doesnt effect our relationship at all.

Has it not been challenging at times? Of course,but I love my husband and he loves me,so at the end of the day it is worth it to us.

KKNY, I'm calling foul. Put down the speadsheets for a sec. and look at some of the things you've said today.

"What I do like about this board is it gives me the SMs attitude. Me first."

"Every situation is different."

Now how can this be? You've put me in a mold but then acknowledged each situation is different. Perhaps a little less exaggeration and blanket nastiness is in order? Address the issue, not the entire board? Just as we deal with our kids individually, the members here should be dealt with individually. Do I punish all 3 of my kids when one misbehaves?

When you make these blanket nasty statements it sounds like my SD12's knee jerk reactions to getting called on the carpet - everyone flunked the test, everyone hates me, everyone came in late from lunch. They become a rather childish and desperate sounding response to what you had started out well with Ima. I know you are better spoken then these responses make you sound.

None of us are alike. That's the fun of this.

No, but Mom2emall punishes stephchildren when she is mad at the mom.

Others complain with no basis about Steps, but just becuase they dont like them, and Colleen says the problem is that mom has to come fist.

Sorry to put you in the mold, but as Mom2emall would say, you guys put me in the mold.

Giving two points at first; that I'm a stepchild rather then a parent and therefore not the target of the survey, and that I haven't read the whole thread due to the length I would like to point something out.

You have a very biased target group here. This forum, and reasonably so, is slanted towards people having difficulty (be it short or long term) in there family. You will have a higher percentage of people with strong reactions (due to the responder needing to make an effort) and negative reactions then a statistically random survey would give.

Don't loose heart or hope is my point I suppose.

I do have a question to the step parents that mentioned having to deal with negligent/absent other parents. I've read that it is possible to legally adopt a spouse's child so that you both have custody and the absent/negligent parent does not have legal recourse or option to interfere with the child's upbringing. Why not exercise this recourse? I would think in these sorts of cases (ie, a drug addict who abandoned the child at 2) most courts would readily allow it. Is it solely due to the child's likely reaction? Or is it extraordinary hard to do even in cases of abandonment?

Have a good day.

Honestly, I find this board alternatively disheartening and amusing.
Everyone here that is bashing SM's is operating on the same basic principles:
A - that SM doesn't even have the right to be considered by Biodad in any decisions affecting their life together.
B- that all BM's are only thinking of the child (haha... that's not always the case).
C- that SM should feel honored and privileged if she's put last on the list and her needs go unmet yet she should still be expected to contribute unconditional love, funding, time, understanding - under the premise that she knew the "package deal" she was getting into.

First of all, not all SM's or potential SM's are aware of the package they were getting. Some Biodads made the package appear much differently than what ended up evolving over time. Is it SM's fault that she was presented with a package that appeared to have all of the love and affection and respect and consideration a gal could want only to find out YEARS later that while the package may have had nice paper there was nothing much inside.
And the assumption that all BM's only think of the child and that they don't have the "me-first" attitude is utterly ridiculous assumption. You can't throw a stick without hitting a BM who thinks she is entitled to more than custody and father involvement in the child's life. I would argue that quite a few BM's would like to be able to have final approval on father's new romantic choices not because of their involvement with the child, but because of their own selfish bitter reasons.
And lastly (for now), I agree with whoever said it that the marriage should come just as first as the child relationship. You cannot teach a child what future relationships should look like if you don't lead by example.
I completely agree with the statement made by willow.....
"All of these relationships are treated on the same level...first. It's just a juggling act. You don't sacrifice the health of one relationship over the other. Children do come first, at times, and then at others, the parents relationships come first. But at all times everyone is on the same level. "
It seems that BM's would guilt the biodads into believing that the parent relationship should be practically expendable.

And for clarification purposes when I said "custody" I meant child support. AND in my case BM was not the ex wife, nor was she ever in a committed relationship with biodad. They were occassional bed buddies and her intent was to trap.

Wow, after reading this alot of hate bashing on SM's. Well, I'm a stepmom, and biomom and have been a stepchild. What i've seen is alot of scared partners who do not take responsibility and standing up to their ex wives. My DH does and thank God for that. He has to deal with a bitter exwife always finding ways to hurt, through words actions and their kids just because she wants to.
Well i'm tired of reading posts that bash SM's because their Dh and biomom can't get along. And WE SM's are the scapegoats. I think both biomom and biodads should GROW UP! and stop putting everyone in the middle. Get over your divorces, take courses in getting along and stop bashing good sm's who mean the best for any child!

Kkny all of us can only speak from our own personal experience and what we have learned. If you have never been a stepmother it is impossible for you to speak from personal experience, and your experience is that of biomom with custody.

I am a biomom and stepmom, so I have personal experience from both sides which better equips me to compare and contrast the two. In the mother role you are glorified, in the stepmother role you are villified, even though you are doing exactly the same things.

As a stepmother, if your husband doesn't treat you as an equal partner you have many responsibilities and not a single right. You have the responsibility to spend your money, drive the children to special events, help with homework, read stories, buy them clothes, wash their clothes, take them swimming etc. But don't ever expect anyone to think you are anything but selfish for having done all that. Nobody ever wanted you there to begin with. Even though biomom was the one who wanted to divorce.

Everyone will willingly use your resources of time and money, but boy don't expect to even be granted human status. BIG DIFFERENCE.

In biomom's house SHE rules the roost, there are no ifs ands or buts about it. Biomom wants to rule the roost in Dad's house too. Stepmother is viewed as an intruder, interloper, a housekeeper without pay at best, even though stepmom pays as much money for the house as dad and is sometimes also helping to foot biomom's child support payments too. So where do stepmom's rights come in?

Biomom is still trying to run her exhusband's life in two households because if daddy wants to see his kids he better tow biomom's line or biomom will make sure the kids suddenly don't want to come over anymore because that woman doesn't like kids. AS IF.

Now what was it you meant knny about me saying stepmom is first? I think your typo of saying "mom comes first" was a humorous freudian slip, and a more accurate statement of how you feel.

Hey, you know what I would think would be divine justice for you kkny? Is for you to become a stepmother of adult stepchildren. Hey what a great resolution to what goes around comes around for you.

One of these days you may be the wicked woman who is trying to kill off dad and steal all of his....erm... their money.

Colleen, your post reminded me of the day my husband and his ex (never married) went to court. They had a trial and both wanted full custody (from a 50/50 EOW) Since I was a "witness", I testified first and then BM had me excluded from the entire proceedings. I sat in the hallway the rest of the day (because she said that I may have to return to testify again) According to my dad & mother in law who were in the audience that day, she tried to make me out to be a horrible person. She said that I took her daughter to girl scouts, but didn't inform HER of every event her daughter was in. She said I took her to tae kwon do (which BM was involved in but it was Dad's week so I had taken her, which was an hour drive each way) and she complained that I had the nerve to get up in the middle of SD's lesson to go outside because my cell phone rang. and she was LIVID because, after she caused a scene at the tae kwon do studio, I decided to stop taking her and signed her up for karate in our town, during the weeks she was here.

In his statement before ruling, the Judge had nothing but nice things to say to me. I was allowed to be in the court for that and she was outraged. She stormed out of the courthouse as soon as the Judge ruled that they will keep the 50/50 arrangement. (The Judge also criticized her for "being a student" for 11 years~ she's been working on a 2 year degree so she has an excuse not to work) We went to pick up their daughter two hours later, and she was gone on a date with some guy & her daughter was left with Grandma. Three weeks later, she gave us full custody because she met a new guy (not the one she went out with that day) and moved over 150 miles away to live with him. She also left her 12 year old with Grandma.

Of the MANY things I have learned, one is that SMs who are married to NCPs have to always remain flexible and understand that any plans we make are always subject to the whims of the SKs and their BM. For example, we were supposed to have my two SSs, ages 13 and 11, from Tues. thru Sun. this week for T'giving. Over the weekend, we planned to see DH's sister in from out of town and have a family portrait taken. BM calls up and says she wants the SKs back by 5 pm Friday (today, 2 days early) b/c her brother is coming in from the military and they want SSs home for T'giving dinner on Friday at 5 pm. DH, never wanting to make waves with the EX or the SKs, goes right along with it. So I schedule our family portrait for today, BLACK FRIDAY (since I am ordering xmas cards and need to get them ordered) and while we are in there w/ the crowds trying to get our family photo, BM calls at 1:30 p.m. and says she wants SKs home at 4 instead of 5 (they live 2 hrs away) so they they can go to a football game after dinner. So we have to wrap up everything and leave the mall like we're going to a fire so that DH can go screaming down the interstate to get them home.
After 9 years of this, I truly am ready to STOP planning anything until it's just my 2 DSs at home, since I CAN control their activities. And NO, knowing what I know now, I WOULD NOT do it again. When DH looked at me with those handsome blue eyes, I would have gone screaming the other way!!
The biggest problem is, if you've never dated a man with children before (as I hadn't) you don't have a CLUE what it's like, and by the time you actually DO meet the children (about 5 mos into the relationshp, in my case) it's TOO LATE, as I was head over heels. So unless someone decides in advance that they are not going to date someone with children, I don't know how the problem can be avoided.

My grandma used to say that you should marry a man with no kids and previous marriages who is also an orphan, so you don't have to deal with in-laws either. LOL She was right.

My BF constantly deals with plans changed and events ruined because of his kids. And they are both grown! I can only imagine the turmoil we would have to deal with if they would be young! His kids pretty much created a nut house out of Thanksgiving break this year. 10 times plans were changed with no consideration for anybody.

I always assumed that dating someone with children should not but was I wrong! I am just dating, and am no near to marriage or anything and they already create so much commotion.

I meant to say "I always assumed that dating someone with children should not but a problem, but was I wrong!"

I'm a stepmom, and I'm happy with my family and would definitely do it again.

The relationship between houses seems to be key. If I was giving advice to someone thinking about marrying into a stepfamily, I would strongly recommend meeting the other parent and getting to know them. They'll be a huge part of your life -- much more involved than you'd probably ever imagine. So when deciding to marry someone who has children, take into account whether you also are ready to forge a deeply involved, possibly life-long partnership with your sweetie's co-parent.

Molly mentioned flexibility in this thread - Finedreams and others have mentioned it in other threads. Ima talks about communication and respect quite often.
If I had a mantra for my life, it would be those three things "Respect! Communication! And flexibility!"

I haven't run into anything as major as rescheduling family photos or canceling flights, but I discovered before we even started dating that my guy's son means that I have to accept 'all plans subject to change without notice'...
So far, it's all been minor things - changing an evening out to Friday instead of Saturday, coming home early because the sitter was useless - things that everyone with kids in their lives faces.
One that didn't really bother me, but really stressed out my guy: BM got called into work and J__ had to take A__ for the evening of my nephew's eighth birthday party (and the first time J__ was going to meet my family). I said "No problem, why don't we ask A__ if he would like to come too? He'll fit right in with my family!" A__ agreed to come and was on his best behavior, but J__ was worried the whole time. He has even since apologized to my dad that he didn't get a chance to really talk with him that night.
Don't take J__'s distress wrong: he was happy to take A__ for the night, and said that he's glad A__ hit it off with my family, just that "worrying about A__ while trying to make a good impression on your family was less than ideal"

What have I learned? NEVER again! Is it really worth years and years of silent anguish when you invest so much emotionally in children who reject you years later in adulthood, in large part, because of unresolved issues with one or both of their bioparents? As far as the question of whether the marriage or the child should come first, lets apply some basic common sense here: Without a healthy spousal relationship, there is NO grounding for a healthy family, step or otherwise. The only amazing thing is that this question is even up for discussion!

Freeatlast (and I do like that name), I am sorry for your pain. But while it is clear to many of the SMs here that the marriage must come first, I would respectively disagree. A parent child relationship is different from a spouse-spouse relationship. There are diffrent needs, and the different relationship has to come first at different times. Parents know when they have to sacrifice for their children.

Kkny, I appreciate your comments and your view, but the issue of what comes first (marriage or children) does not apply to just second marriages, or third........ It is equally applicable to first marriages. AGain, the strength of a family stands or falls on the strength of the marital partnership. Even my stepson (when he was younger and in my view, wiser) once told me that the relationship his Father had with me (and vice versa) was what kept it all together for everyone, and having come from one broken family the very last thing he wanted was to go through another divorce.

what have I learned from this forum? or from step parenting?

From this forum.... I have learned that there are many other brave sisters out there, raising another woman's children. That the BM I have to deal with is not unique. Thanks to JNM, I feel there may be hope for a better future with everyone (including BM), but I can't hold my breath for it or I might die.

From being a step mom.... When I was in a previous relationship (not married) and I spent seven years 'playing' mom to his three kids and did everything a mom would do for them, I was treated like a demon when I left. Nothing I did for those seven years was appreciated by the children or their father. I swore that I would never let myself get hurt like that again. When I was dating, if they had small children, it was a strike against the guy because my kids were just about grown and I didn't want to deal with preschools, sippy cups, diapers, etc. again. (I certainly didn't want to be primary caretaker) and then I met my husband. He had a little girl that was five, almost six. She spent every other week at her moms and every other week at her dads. She loved and adored me. But, as we got more serious, that wore off and she showed her resentment. Of course she didn't want to share daddy with me. Over time, she and I have worked on our relationship. It's been a struggle because she loves her mom and her mom doesn't like me. She is very loyal to her mom so that is a strain on our relationship. Her mom went off with her new BF and left her with us and I have taken on the primary caretaker role. It's been harder than I imagined (physically & emotionally) and yet, I can't imagine not doing it now that I see how easily her mom inflicts pain on her. The closer I get to her, the more her mom hates me. I knew what I was getting into when I married my husband and knew being a step parent would be very tough and unappreciated by the child (and her mom) but my husband appreciates me enough to make it worth it. I also think it's worth it when I see my step daughter smile and laugh and just seem to enjoy what has to be a painful childhood. I know that twenty of thirty years from now, I may be the blame of all her life problems and it's a risk I willingly took when I married my husband. I do the best I can to be a parent and just as I did with my own children, you never really know for sure if they will be appreciative later on. I do it for the love of children. If anything ever happened to my husband, I would probably not be a step parent again. I do love children but it is very tough emotionally sometimes. or maybe I would stick to widowers, at least that would eliminate dealing with a horrible BM. (and I'm not saying they are all horrible, but you don't get to choose a good one, because I entered this thinking I had a good one in our situation)

and yes, feeatlast07, a healthy marriage is the foundation for any family. and yes, kkny, parents do have to make sacrifices for their children, step or bio. That doesn't mean that it takes priority over the marriage. Putting children before the marriage is probably what increases the divorce rate and when the parents divorce, it is the children that you put first, that ultimately suffer from it.

Definetly, a marriage always comes first & the positive outcome of that ensures more stability for the children. If both parents put the marriage first, it's a benefit to their children. I didn't do this the first time around, doing it this time though. It goes against some of my instincts, but I know it's the right thing for my boys. It sure is hard swallowing that lump sometimes.

Thanks Ima - I kinda light being the little ray of hope. :-)

*like* not light

I've learned that I am a fantastic mother to my own children and to my stepsons, and a supportive wife to my husband. If I could rewind time I would not remarry into this stepfamily as much as I love my husband and the boys- the cost of having this biomom in my life is too great to myself and my chldren.

I'm a relatively new stepmom and have already encountered some problems. My stepson does like me, his counselor confirmed that, but he is jealous of my relationship with his father. My stepson has been putting my husband in a place where he feels he has to choose who he loves more. I say there is enough love to go around and I have told them that I would leave before I made my husband choose between me and his son. It came down to me talking about leaving last week because of my step son's behavior. He's not a bad kid, just young, confused my a messy custody fight and he's 10- which I understand is a rough time anyway. My husband was wonderful and took his son out to dinner for a heart to heart talk. We have been doing ok since then. I know it is going to be a bumpy ride, but I'm planning on fastening my seat belt because I have seen the positive. We have a wonderful game night every week, a nice Sunday tradition of church and lunch on the weekends we have him, and my stepson has wanted me there for important events in his life. I do see a lot of negative in this forum and there are times I could contribute to that, but in reality, I made a choice to be where I am so only I can make the choices that will allow me to be happy. If I didn't have the support of my husband, I would choose to leave and find someone who would be supportive. If I want to be happy, I need to make the choices that will allow my own happiness.

What have I learned:

I am learning that I need to make time for myself and do things for myself and my husband is supportive of that. So far I have learned that I am a team with my husband and we communicate about everything, even if it appears small and insignificant. I have learned that my husband and his son need some alone time (Just the two of them with no one else...I say that because we thought them doing boy scouts alone together was good, but through counseling we learned it needs to be just the two of them). I have learned patience and understanding. I have learned that frustration will come and go. I have learned that I don't know much and will learn something everyday to help me in the life I have chosen. I have also learned that negativity will only lead to more negativity so I try (even when things get bumpy) to be positive and know that this will pass. Something I have learned through my father's death and the problems I had at that time in my life...if you keep fighting for what you believe is right, things will work out the way they are suppose too and you will live through it and be the better person for it.

what a nice post sandi..But I am thinking about how different it is when you are with someone with grown children, and these children were raised certain way and there is not much you can do. they are not children that you can help to shape, they are already individuals who cannot be changed. and that's why i am rather lost. I am with someone whose children are so very different from mine, they interfer very much into their mother's personal life and my SO doesn't mind it and thinks it is OK. and i am only waiting when they will ruin my relationship with SO as well. they can't be changed, they are grown women. MY Dd never intrfers in anyone's personal life, that's how i raised her, but SO raised his DDs differently. and how can i change anything in it?

Fine, I'm not sure it matters how old the children are. Yes, your SO's girls are grown and they are who they are. Most kids' personality is formed by the time they are three. It may be easier to build a parent-child relationship if they are younger but as adults, there's no reason you can't form a friendship relationship with his daughters. There will always be problems as long as you avoid each other or don't talk. (I'm not talking about friendly pleasantries, but real conversations) It's easy to stay out of each other's way when your respective kids visit, but it doesn't help the relationship. They are adults and you should be able to form an adult/adult relationship with them and if it's just that you don't like them or they don't like you, then you have a choice to make about spending your life with someone who's children you don't get along with. They don't get to make the choice to have you in their life and if you choose to be in their life (via their father), then you have to accept them for who they are. They may never accept you and they don't have to, you are choosing to be in their life.

And Sandianne, I think it's normal for all kids to feel that jealousy when a parent remarries (and often when they have a new baby) and the best thing I have found is to keep telling (and showing) them that you are not there to take away their parent. They may need to hear it often. I love the positive feel of your post. Thanks.

I hear the frustration in you post finedreams. As I said in my post, I don't know much and I am learning everyday. I can't know everything happening in your life from posts on a forum, but it sounds like the problems lie more in the relationship with your SO. You are right about not being able to shape grown children, but you have a say in the respect demonstrated in your home and the respect regarding the relationship with you and your SO. I know the children were there first. I am assuming there were previous relationships which the children have seen end. If you don't put your marriage at the top of the list, those children stand to loss...again. Your marriage is the priority and your child and the step children should not be the ones in control of that. It sounds like you have already raised your child with that idea in mind. I am just learning this myself. I don't think the age of the children should matter with the issue of respect. If your SO doesn't see that, I would advise a heart to heart and maybe some couples counseling to help address that issue. This forum has a lot of rush to judgments and I don't want to be accused of that. This is an opinion which I hope can help support you in your situation or at least show a different perspective.

iammommy,
somehow you are allowed to moan and groan about anything what is happening in your life, but I am not allowed to vent whatsoever. give people a break would you? i never said they don't like me or I don't like them and i never said i don't get along with anyone, it is not about me. I was talking about how they are with their own parents, how they upset their parents weekly.

This is nothing to do with me coming into anybody's life. and you start every post complaining about everything on the planet, but if once in awhile i feel like venting
somehow i have to suck it up. your SD dislikes you and it is OK for you to share but it is not OK for me to share that his DDs are runing both parents' lives. double standard again.

this is my forum as much as yours and if i feel i need to share i will.

you are right sandie. My concern is not as much about me as about them. i am not married and might never be and might even move on but they will continue running their parents' life. i do care about SO even if i will leave him. it is just i know how wrong it is for children of any age to run parents' lives and how bad it is going to damage everyone in the way. but he doesn't understand.
but see if one doesn't know how to deal with it, then nobody can help. i know it is wrong but i don't know how to help him to establish boundaries.

BM limited her contact with DDs to avoid unplesant situations but SO apeases them. DDs complain BM seldomly calls them but if every time she calls they demand something or accuse her or complain, then of course BM limited her phone calls. Every saturday morning older SD calls and upsets BF for the whole weekend. Bm doesn't want her weekends runied so she limits her contact. SD complains that when she calls satruday morning BM does not pick up her phone. Then SD calls BF and complains. I know why BM doesn't answer the phone: doesn't want her weekend ruined.
maybe it is wrong, but after a long week of demanding job BM deserves a peaceful weekend.

BF however does not know how to set boundaries so many of our weekends end up ruined thanks to either SDs or both of them.

fine, I'm gonna assume you are having another bad day because you are interpreting my post as an attack on you, when it wasn't intended that way. You've referred to them as spoiled and that your SO is fine with that. You are the one that has a problem with the way they behave and you've said that when they come around, you stay at your place, giving them space. I just think that's a strange thing to do if you are in a serious relationship. You're welcome to share and vent, I just offered my insight. You don't have to take it and obviously I don't have all the information.

and as far as my SD goes, she doesn't 'dislike' me. She and I get along great, until her BM throws a fit and gets upset that I'm doing things with/for her and then she gets an attitude with me. I certainly don't blame her, she a child that wants mommy to be happy and mommy gets upset when she's nice to me. I didn't think I moan and groan at anything in my life, my life is pretty wonderful except when I have to deal with a crazy BM. The most negative thing in my life is usually while reading this forum and I start every post complaining about everything on the planet? I didn't think I do that but from now on, I'll try not to complain about everything on the planet and I'm sorry that you are having a bad day.

you said that SD doesn't like you because you are being unkind to her mother in her presence. Including mentioning CPS. That's what you said.

the reason i stay away most of the time when older SD is visiting is nothing to do with my choice.

i have no problem when you complain, but please let others complain about situations in their lives as well. you have problems with SD, BM, BM's BF, your DD's and DS' fathers, CS, courts, etc and it is OK. We also have people in our lives whose behavior might be causing us sadness or pain. And please validate our feelings, they are as important as yours.

In reguard to the question "would I do it again"? Well...That depends on which day!! LOL!! Today...In a heart beat!!!!!!!!! Don't get me wrong, I hate SS's mother. But my DH's son is incredable, and I honestly love this child so much more then I ever thought possible. I was lucky though, he was two years old when I met his father. So he doesn't remember a day without me in it. His mother and I don't really talk or see eachother very often and when we do, we are both civil and act like we like eachother, but we don't! And luckely my SS really loves me as if I was one of his parents. He's nine yrs old now and he still loves doing things with me, snuggling on the couch together and he helps me out around the house. (So I can get done sooner and hang out with him!!) What a sweety!! I may be partial, but he truely is an exceptional kid!! I concider myself incredibly blessed to be in his and his father's life!

I was 19 yrs old when I first met his father and it was hard for me to cope with for a couple of years, not having my boyfriend whenever I wanted and always having to do the right things and have to grow up faster than all of my friends. But in the the long run it has transformed me to want to be a better person and to be a good role model for this child. That's what he deserves. And if you're not ready to give up your selfish ways and grow up, stay FAR FAR away from someone with a child!! I'll admitt being a SM is not at all always sunshine and flowers. It takes a specail person to do this job and it's certainly not right for everyone. But in my case, I wouldn't trade my life with anyone. It's too FABULOUS!!!!!!

I have learned that i am a patient, loving parent. That I am a good wife and step-parent. It's only been 9 months since they SD 14 SS 11 SD 9 are oficialy a part of my life. We have them every other weekend and some nights during the week. I have also learned that I am not alone in this situation and that sharing how I feel with my husband is important.