Before they arrive I would tell them on the phone that you are so happy they are coming and looking forward to seeing them .also that you are anxious for them to see your new reno's amd that you and hubby are so happy with the results so if they are not please don't tell us and ruin our happiness. You can sorta of say it a joking way but they will catch on.

Hmmm...could you call to confirm and while you are chatting, mention with great enthusiasm how much you have worked on your space, how much YOU like it and, although it is not their style, you can't wait for them to see what you have accomplished? Then, when they come, if they start to lecture, just stop them mid-sentence with a smile, shake of the finger, and say, "Uh, uh, uh...not changing anything...I love it" and pass them the caramels.

Don't let them hijack your joy in your space!

You're not going to change them, so don't even try. But you can change the way you react to their suggestions.

It's been my experience that those that offer unsolicited decor suggestions tend to be either very insecure about their own decisions or control freaks. And I don't pay much attention to people who critique based on those reasons. And you shouldn't either.

Whichever they happen to be, just remember that what you've done pleases you; it doesn't have to please them.

But, if you feel you have to say something, then be sure you say it with a big smile.

You might say something like this if they make suggestions. "You know, we did consider doing it the way you're suggesting but thought it would look tacky in this style home." AND SMILE!!!!!

If they're good friends you shouldn't lose them over this. It may get them to stop before they open their mouths next time.

How about "if you don't have anything nice to say, then don't say anything at all!"

All four of you have great input, thank you! I had been considering the pre-meeting phone chat as suggested, to attempt to prevent the 'lecture' before it happens so I will definitely do that. I'm not a great speaker, I tend to lose my words when I'm flustered, so thank you for the suggestions; I can definitely remember Cyn427's advice with the 'love it not changing anything' phrase to stop them in their tracks. I would love to be able to be bold enough to phrase it like Monablair writes but I am thinking I may have to get drunk first, ha!

I too like the idea of the pre conversation telling your friends just how much both you an your husband love what you have done.
I have a friend who has what I think is a wacky wing chair in her newly renovated home. (Supposedly it is a well known fabric designer) When I entered the living room and looked at this chair, before I even said anything (which I would not have in any way hurt her feelings) she quickly sat on the chair and explained how it was her favorite thing in the room! Originally this chair was slated for her bedroom but she wanted to give it more exposure and is going to decorate around it! To each her own!
So, I guess what I am savin is, if you show your enthusiasm as soon as your friends walk in, I can't imagine them raining on your parade. Good luck.

And when you feel that flustered feeling where you can't get the words out ...just keep smiling at your friends and silently repeating this thought in your head .....opinions are like backsides; everyone has one and most of them stink:)

You'll feel better on the inside.

Remember that a united front always helps too!

And the "broken record" method of Sales ....

"WE know these changes MAY not be your style ... but WE are SO thrilled with the changes ..."

And then your DH can also say the same kind of comments too .... "Yes -- the new ....... (fill in the blank) is GREAT!!!"

And yes -- a pre-meeting phone call will help too! :)

Jan at Rosemary Cottage

I would call both individually. I would say we have been working on our house and we are so pleased with the end results, BUT.... you know there is always going to be someone to say something rude and spoil it. Or something to that effect. Or just roll your eyes when they say something you donÂt like!!! That always works.

If you could get yourself in the mindset of understanding that an alternate approach to a design project is just different and not superior, you could enjoy their company without being deflated by their comments.

And, you can always make it a teachable moment for the obtuse. "Ah geez, I feel so bad. After all my hard work. Is there anything at all you like about what I have done here?"

If you could get yourself in the mindset of understanding that an alternate approach to a design project is just different and not superior, you could enjoy their company without being deflated by their comments.

Ooooh, I think even I could do THAT one! :~D We need one of those FacBeook "Like" buttons here on our dec forum.

You can't completely control what your friends may say, but you can control your reaction to any negative comments. I'm sure your space looks fantastic, especially if you've weighed in on this forum about your project :o). Please don't let anyone steal your joy.

I understand that a different style appeals to your friends, but I don't understand why they feel it's necessary to vocalize condescending remarks when you've obviously worked hard on something that you love and of which you are proud. If their manners are as tasteful as their decorating sense, they ought to know better than to insult a friend who is obviously not looking for their decorating wisdom. Maybe it somehow makes them feel better to put others down, even if it is under the umbrella of "helping" out. It's an unfortunate ugly side of envy.

Hopefully they will be kind and thoughtful, but if not, put on your rhino skin, play that broken record mentioned above, and hold on tight to the things you love about your space.

Jan

I've had a few people do that to me.

A tradesman walked through my house to get to the porch to see about refinishing the stained concrete and noticed my deep kitchen drawers were off the runners (at the time I had already addressed this, the carpenter has come out and since installed all new full pull out runners)and proceeded to tell me how my builder didn't use the right materials, what I should do, pointing out little things wrong with my (5 year old) home. This was a guy that was here to see about refinishing outside concrete. Then he proceeded to tell me about what he thought my house was worth. I kid you not.

I ushered him outside and got to business and ignored his comments, but it brought to mind a very few people that have done the same thing. My own BIL walked into our home the first time and immediately pointed out that he could see a few nails through the stair risers (he had just gotten his contractor's license but has yet to ever build a home).

So, after the concrete guy's visit last month, I've decided that the next person that unsolicited, makes similar comments (I'm not referring to honest, helpful comments) I'm going to get a pad from my desk drawer and a pen, shove them in their hands and ask them to please write a list of things they see that they don't like and then just continue with whatever it is we are doing--walking through the house, visiting, whatever, and here they'd be, stuck with a pen and pad.

I can't wait for the chance to try this out.
Maybe you can do it first.

Your friends seem that they could be jealous, insecure, or perhaps need to feel dominant over you. That's usually the kind of people that do these things. I guess there's the chance that some are just rude and say what they think--but they means they are self absorbed and thinking more of themselves and what they want to say rather than your feelings.

OK, I'll be the odd (wo)man out here and offer a dissenting opinion. You're happy with how your decorating projects turned out, and, I hope, your friends, so just relax and enjoy their visit. You know ahead of time that they both have completely different taste from yours, so unless they make totally rude comments ("Those window treatments look so tacky -- whatever were you thinking when you chose that ugly fabric?"), just smile and don't take anything they say as a criticism of you or of your space.

There's no need to call ahead and hint that you're expecting them to dislike your decorating style or to warn them not to say anything mean-spirited. At best, you'll sound as though you're dissatisfied with the outcome and lacking confidence in your choices. At worst, your friends will be offended that you seem to be expecting them to be overly critical and negative. If they're well-brought-up and have even a smidgen of social skills, they'll praise the parts they like and not nitpick the parts they would have done differently. If they're not, well, why are they your friends? (I know you said not to tell you to get new friends, but really, if you don't enjoy having them around, you should.)

That said, here's a technique that I've used to help friends with different tastes better "appreciate" my style. Most of my furniture is vintage or antique, and I also have many things that are one-of-a-kind items, including many woodworking and stained glass pieces made by my parents. Virtually everything in my house has a story, so when I show people around, I tell them the story behind each item or explain why it's special to me. For example, "My mother made this stained glass insert to fit my front door and also this glass Moravian star. I wish I had inherited the spatial skill to create such a complex work of art!" Or, "This dining room wallpaper was already here when I bought the house -- it's amazing how well it goes with the antique china that my aunt left me." Or, "My sister painted this watercolor for me." Believe me, it's impossible for anyone to come back with, "Oh, but you should hang a more abstract painting there, something turquoise."

You can do the same thing with your space. "I was so thrilled to find this Edwardian sofa -- don't you think it goes perfectly with the dining set that belonged to my grandparents? I searched all over Podunk City to find this just the right fabric for this sofa, but it was worth the effort. Even my upholsterer complimented me on it." If they understand your thinking and your decorating constraints, they'll not only be better able to appreciate what you've accomplished, but they'll be less likely to criticize it and to compare it to their own decorating context.

Have fun!

Wow, thanks for all the responses and support, I appreciate all of it. I will keep it in mind and make the best of it. A couple people hit the nail on the head by implying that they may enjoy dominating/controlling situations. They are both bossy as heck but they can be good friends as well. Thanks again for the thoughts and some laughs too!

I assume that if someone doesn't like my house, they are not as evolved as I am :) and I can completely ignore it.

Sorry, I have to disagree about the pre-visit phonecall. It makes you sound like you are on the defensive, and puts them on alert.

Who are these people, that somehow you think they know what makes you pleased and happy more than you do, and so cause you to feel doubt about your choices?

I would have them over, and when they make suggestions, reply with the same comment to each suggestion. ÂThat would be another approach". Period. No excuses, explanations, apologies.

Smile, a lot, reflecting your pleasure in your space and the opportunity to share it with them.

Count me among those who wouldnÂt bother with an advance call. You canÂt control what other people do or say. You only can control your reactions to it. In your happy, enthusiastic remarks you can mention how pleased you are that the house is finally starting to reflect your taste. If that turns out to be far too subtle, you can just respond to a suggestion with something like, "Oh, IÂm sure it would be lovely, but it just wouldnÂt be *me*.

Ditto...no advance phone calls.
Smile, say thanks for your thoughts and leave it at that.
Continue to enjoy your home, your way. :)

My typical response to unsolicited advice about something that I feel passionately about that I have done: w/ a smile on my face and a plate of cookies in hand I say "Well luckily I didn't ask you now did I? Would you like a cookie?" and w/o missing a beat ask them something about them.

I'm pretty sure I'm turning into my mother becuase I wouldn't thank someone w/ an unsolicited negative response w/ a Thank You. What would I be thanking them for?

Enjoy everything wonderful that you've done! You can't please all of the masses all of the time.

How about this: the first comment they make, you burst into tears. Sobbing uncontrollably, you manage to say, "B-b-but I tried so hard! I t-t-tried so hard to make everything just the way YOU like it!"

But seriously. It's a tricky situation. You have gotten some very good advice here. I doubt that you'll be able to change them; they sound very self-centered and yes, crass.

The pre-visit phonecall is a good idea. You might try pitting them against each other. "I'm sorry to have to say this, Mabel, but sometimes Fred's comments about my decorating hurts my feelings. Could you speak to him?"

And whenever I have an awkward phone call to make, I write my words out beforehand. It really helps.

Good luck! Make sure you come back and let us know how it went!

And remember, if you're going to kill them, do it outside. Bloodstains are so hard to remove.

Now that you thought it through and have these great lines to be able to say to your friends, I have a funny feeling that it may turn out opposite of what you expected. When you really accept that it's your place and it's wonderful and you love it, and it doesn't matter what they think, I can bet that their response will be different than usual. They'll probably just talk about their own places instead! Good luck, I can't wait to hear what happened!

I have been thinking about your post on and off since it first appeared, and it occurred to me that my mom gives me unsolicited design advice all the time, which is funny because she isn't really into decorating or anything. But, she'll see one of my prim dollies, and she'll say, "Oh, that's nice, but I wouldn't pay money for it." LOL! I never have to wonder what she's thinking! But, it's easy for me to blow this off with my mom, and we even laugh about it.

A mother once told her child, "Always tell the truth, but don't always be telling it!" Certainly most people with good manners know better than to insult a friend, even if they fully believe themselves to be "right". I suspect your friends know better too, but simply must assure themselves of their superiority at your expense. You may find that the better your place looks, the more likely your friends are to make negative comments.

I read somewhere once advice to actually say, "ouch!" when someone makes an insensitive statement. This draws attention to their behavior. However, I'm not sure I agree in all cases. Doing so indicates that you have been hurt, which mean people may interpret as a weakness and continue on with their meanness!

I know it's hard to take it when someone criticizes your efforts. Check out my recent lamp thread, and you'll see a sharp, insulting remark. Most people would feel hurt or at least put off by negative comments. But you have the benefit of knowing the stage is set for such a thing, and you can now prepare yourself positively.

Again, you know your space looks great, and you love it. So, everything is good, and your friends can't change that with their comments.

Jan

I will definitely follow up next week with the tale of the visit. You guys have me actually looking forward to it now just for the comedic value. Jan, I just read your lamp post, you handled that tasteless remark with grace. Your home reflects that grace, it's lovely. Btw, I think our moms could be related, lol.

I would not make a pre-meeting phone call. Don't over think it, keep your response honest and to the point. After all, they are your friends.

Something like, "I thought you might say that but you know my style is so different from yours and we are so happy with our choices."

My daughter would never knowingly hurt my feelings for the world, but we have different styles. She is 28, has an almost new home, likes transitional with a little contemporary. I'm 58; my home is a modest 40 year old ranch that I have been "updating" for the past 3 years (at a snails pace). My style is who knows?? Traditional with vintage pieces and a little bit country. Occasionally when we are shopping or discussing things we are doing to my house, she will make suggestions that are just not right for me. I always point out ""Yes, that is very nice..or so cute..or whatever, but it is just not ME or just not suitable for MY STYLE. But it would sure be NICE IN YOUR PRETTY LITTLE HOUSE". Then she understands and agrees with me...most of the time!

It's all about accepting that different folks have different tastes and style, and seeing the beauty in what they have done.

No, don't call in advance. Don't indicate that you are even thinking about what they might think, in advance or during the visit. Faced with a critical remark, I always like the "ouch!" response, but with a confident smile, and in a tone that really says, "Who raised you, dear? Wolves??."

Oh boy, I have so been in your shoes. You've gotten some great ideas here.

Our home is traditional mixed with antiques, lots of wood. We have a lot of friends who are very into contemporary, gloss and glass. And of course those are the "bossy" controlling friends. Good friends but different tastes.

I've heard all kinds of things that hurt me but I don't think they were said with the intent to hurt (okay, maybe a few.) Now I just say, "Thank you for your opinion." and move on. It's taken me some practice to be able to do it without a wavering voice but now I've gotten pretty good at it. I've stopped a couple of people in their tracks but one gal just takes it as permission to keep on talking about all the things she doesn't like, she thinks is wrong, etc. For her I say, "My grandmother used to tell me that people came to see me and not my house. I guess she was wrong."

She usually shuts up. :)

Seriously, try to roll with it if you can.

I wouldn't call them. You're placing too much leverage on their opinion AND they may actually like what you've done.

If they offer suggestions other than what you've done, I'd ask them where they were when you were working on it? Lighten the moment and forget their comments. Are they professionals?

I wouldn't call in advance. I would just listen and smile and say "but I like my choice so much better".

I have many friends that don't have the same style that I have and if they ask me something like do you think this goes in here I will be honest, if not I say nothing.

A few years ago I bought a new lamp and my grown daughter said that she didn't like it and I said "you don't have to like it because I purchased it for me".

If or when the subject comes up, you could smile and say, "That's the great thing about opinions. Everybody has one". Carry on and enjoy yourself.

Well, you've gotten some great advise. Shame on them really for lacking the courtesy to return your kind gestures and just admire your space without criticism or suggestions of change. I agree with Cyn. You basically just have to not let them cross that line and it's not what you say but how you say it that matters. Her suggestion I think would definitely get your point across without offending.

Now call me crass but why it's important that you don't take care not to offend them when they obviously feel it's okay to be thoughtlessly hurtful themselves is beyond me; I just know that's what we've all been taught and it's the right thing to do.

In the meantime though, why not post pics so we can admire your changes! I know I'd love to see what you've done!

I'm sorry because it sounds like you're almost dreading this visit, which isn't how it should be between friends at all. I wouldn't call in advance; just remember that everyone has different styles, and some people are more gracious about accepting others' differences.

Over many years of doing volunteer activities for school and kids' sports teams, I've had my share of unsolicited advice. (Always from people who let someone else do all the work, even tho I work full time and many of them don't work at all.) My standard response is now along the lines of "that's a great idea -- next year you can head up this committee and make that happen!" That shuts them up. (Or, when refereeing a soccer game, I'd just hand them my whistle. That shut them up too.)

I'm thinking along the same lines for home "advice." Something like "...That would be great in your house; maybe you should do that. In my house, I love THIS!" Also, you can just laugh and say "It's a good thing we don't live together, because our styles are so different!... Now, who wants another margarita?"

I think I'd find some new friends. Goodness, if my friends caused me to reach out for advice about their insensitiveness, I'd reconsider having them over. I loved the idea of telling them that you considered the idea they suggested but decided it would be tacky in your space.

Meet them elsewhere for a bite and a visit :)

Hahahaha! Yes! Margaritas! THAT's the answer!

Dead silence to all their remarks, that should stop them. I have a friend who has a knack for making comments that border on critical, I say nothing at all.

Just because people are bossy and controlling does't mean you can't keep them as friends. My family and friends would have dumped me ages ago if that was so! In fact most of my friends and family are also bossy and controlling and speak their minds. Often we lack for tack, but we are well meaning and don't intentionally want to hurt people's feelings. When my mom goes to my SIL's and gives design advise (don't you thing those chairs would be better over there) my SIL says "mom I love them right were they are". the discussion is over and the conversation moves on to other less threatening things. Believe me, us bossy people understand the HAND up and don't take offense.

Great suggestions so far. Responses like "that is a great suggestion and it would look marvelous in your home...we aren't headed in that direction though, we are in love with our style so we'll keep going that way, but it is fun that our decorating styles are so diverse, it makes our visits with each other so much more fun"...boom move to the next topic.

Your such a nice person, a people pleaser.

If that alabaster lamp you have is a indication of your style you have nothing to worry about.

As hard as it is don't compliment them so much on their decor. People that give their opinions so easily, crave exceptance. I know they are your friends and that you like them very much, I get that, I do.
And quite candidly, we've all been in your shoes and it's stressful.

Just have fun and enjoy your friends and realize they are just like that, big deal, they can't help it.

As hard as it is don't compliment them so much on their decor. People that give their opinions so easily, crave exceptance.

I was talking about your friends needing exceptance!!!!!!!!!

"Thankfully we all don't have the same taste, or our houses would all look alike!"

ok so when are these friends coming over??? My MIL is the same way, "tells" me what I should do...even if she can see that is not the direction I'm going...I don't know why we care what other people think but we do...

It's sounds like you already know what to expect--I have a couple frieds like that. They are your friends and you want to visit with them, but you know that irritating conversation is gonna come up...(it's sorta like "ok, here we go...")

Good luck with your visit...Can't wait to hear back on how it goes...