BigTex,

It sounds like the two of you come to some agreement and then your wife goes against the agreement. Why does she do that? Do the kids put so much pressure on her that she sees giving into them as the only way to have peace? When she gets found out, you and her are at odds.

If the two of you can't talk seriously and sincerely to each other and come to mutual agreements, and then follow through with those agreements, well--the trust you might have will slowly diminish. We don't feel comfortable with people we can't trust. You will resent your wife when the kids think it's ok to ignore you--or do stuff behind your back while your wife knows about it.

Whatever reason your wife has for not being able to be sincere with you, you need to remove whatever that reason is. Resentment isn't something your wife wants you to feel. But unless you and your wife work together--your working against each other is going to be the cause of much resentment (to put it mildly).

I agree with brass tacks in what she asked about. Why your wife goes behind your back and goes against what both have you agreed on. In reality, besides the resentment that will grow in you, she is also making you seem like the 'bad' guy and her the good one on their sides and forming a stronger bond. An illusion for her because her kids are basically manipulating her.
i think if you stay, you will have to talk about this. What i dont understand is why your wife doesn't want to talk about her daughters bad behaviour. THe way i see it, its seems to bother you more than her when it comes to belly piercings, late nights, etc..etc. These are not your kids to decipline. Even if she has let you, your setting yourself up. As a child growing up, i resented any discipline coming from my stepmother. And now as a stepmother of 2 kids, i have told my husband and his kids i will not discipline. I demand respect because i give respect to all of them but its not my job to ground them. That's up to their mother and father. This is what i mean about her letting you and making you the bad guy. Let her handle her kids cra*p! Its not your job.
Concentrate on your relationship with your wife. Does she love you? ARe you losing your trust? Do you always let her go into your wallet?
The kids hate you because you are discipling. Stop it! Let their mother do it. I know you are concerned about them and their well being. Yes they are a package. But there are instructions on special packages and this is what you have opened. The instructions are not being followed. Or they were not written properly between you and your wife.
You need to sit down with your wife and discuss some rules and of course your feelings. How is your wife taking it when her kids are leaving the house and blaming you? Is she resentful or couldnt' care less?
Very important, please dont take the blame. These are teenagers. Walking hormones with nasty temper tantrums...been there..done that!:)
You are not the one splitting them apart. Your wifes decisions are. By going against what you both decided, she is underminding your cohesiveness as a united front. This is bad when it comes to dealing with kids. You must be united. If she cannot do this. Then its time to go. If she cannot correct this...then its time to go. If it doesn't bother her that her kids are leaving and couldnt care less if they like you or not...you can continue but i dont know how you would feel knowing she is like this.

bigtex, Your not alone on this. I as a stepmother have been dealing with this for 6 years. When I met my husband my stepson was 14 yrs old & stepdaughter was 18 yrs old. The SKs challenged our relationship almost daily. To me it appeared they were trying to break us up. I prayed alot, we went to counseling, and talked alot. It was very difficult as long as the children lived with us, however, they grew up and went off to college. It has been better since neither live with us anymore. They occasionally come to visit and bring up some friction, but we can over come that. Just remember communication is very very important. Try to sit down and help your wife see your point. I use to ask my husband to reverse the role and pretend that they are my kids and doing those things to him. I would then ask him how he would feel. It seemed to open his eyes some. Our counselor was also able to help my husband see that some of the things the SKs were doing were disrespectful to me and caused problems that he (my husband) needed to put a stop to. Hang in there. It is now better for us, however still hard, it is worth working on. Every relationship has its problems.

Tex,
You didn't marry this mum so that you could sit around and be a bump. Being ignored has the message that we're not important. You are important.

I don't know how folks can live in the same house and one of the parents (step) is suppose to not take part in discipline. Look, we all like attention. Babies do, wives do, husbands do, grandparents do, and kids of every age like attention. Now, how can we show attention to someone in our lives and not have anything to say? That is pathetic, in my opinion. If one of the parents is suppose to keep their mouth shut because the child they want to help is not their biological child--well, what is THAT! Being ignored is probably the one thing that will get anyone's goat!

OK, so some step-parents have big problems and need to be ignored--for sanity's sake. But Tex, you sound sane and all. Before your daughter wants to do something that gets your dander up, sit down with her and have a nice discussion. Ask her what she would think if she saw some lady about 40 years old trying to look like she was 18. What would she think? Remind her that she will be an adult for a long time--now is the time to be 14. Let her know that you are worried she is going to be tempted to do other things that young kids do because they want to be a part of the crowd.

Pay some extra attention to your daughter. Take an interest in what she thinks, etc. You don't have to agree with her, but you do want to understand her. Start having a good dialogue with the girl.

Do lots of nice things for her--so there will be no mistake that you care about her. Let her know that you want you and her mum and her to be together. You don't need anyone's permission to be real sweet to her.

If you are constant in trying to understand the girl, etc., and she just wants to be a skunk--what can you do? Maintain your dignity, don't get into fights with anyone--just be strong. Be your good self. Don't let a 14 year old child determine how you are going to feel. Be happy.

Sounds to me like the real problem is a mom who won't step up and act like one. No, it's not fun to discipline a teenager -- but it's gotta be done. And she's supposed to be doing it! There are two schools of thought about whether you, the step-parent should do it, but there's no doubt at all that she should.

And she's not.
Big Problem.

Do you stay or do you go?
We can't answer that one for you.

But you do need to have a very serious discussion with her about what it means to be a parent. She needs to step up, set limits, hold firm to them, not back down if her daughter throws a fit, begs, pleads, whines, stomps, sneaks, etc. and enforce reasonable consequences if her daughter disobeys.

Does she want your help in enforcing limits? That's a question she needs to really think about. But she needs to agree that if she does ask for your help, that she's not going to turn around and undermine you as soon as things get ugly. That's really not fair.

Time for you to hold her (your wife, not your step-daughter) to some reasonable standards of behavior.

I agree with sweeby. Your wife is the problem. not your stepdaughter.
ANd yes i still say it is not your job to descipline her. Speaking from my own experience. The daughter will hate you and does because you are doing something her mom is not. The descipline should be instigated by her mother and you as teh husband should support and back her up.
You should not begin it. Yes you have authority in the house and should not ignore the problem. Express yourself to your stepdaughter when you do not like somethign but its your wife job to come into the situation when her daughter is treating you with such disrespect and punish her straight out. WORK AS A TEAM!