exwife would rather kids suffer...

15 years ago

My bf was married for 19yrs. He and his ex have 2 kids. Ages 10 and 11yrs. Hes in the process of divorcing her. He left her 2 months prior to meeting me. From the first week we dated she has harrassed me to no end. She calls my phone to cuss me out, she shows up at my house out of the blue yelling for him, she parks down the street and spies on me, once while sitting in his car in my driveway, she suddenly appeared out of nowhere in her car and rammed into the rear of my bf's car causing us to fly forward. When he saw it was her, he got off the car and when he did, she ran around to my side of his car and tried yanking me out by my hair. Shes vandalized his house, his car and stalked me. Ive made police reports but she continues to behave this way. She calls him crying they have no food but refuses to accept groceries when he delivers them. Same thing with school clothes. I want to be with him but also want to leave him at the same time. Whast would you do???

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Comments (15)

mattie_gt
15 years ago
What would *I* do? I'd get out of that mess. Even though you met him after he'd already left her, two months is such a short time period that she's never going to believe that you were not the reason for their marriage of almost two decades ending. And also, to be honest, I'd be a bit concerned about BF's motivation in entering into another relationship so quickly after leaving his wife, rather than taking a bit of time to regroup/recover/reflect on what he could have done differently.

It's a really iffy prospect dating someone that close to a separation, even without kids, and without a crazy stalker ex. I would toss him back in.
sylviatexas1
15 years ago
What Mattie said.

These things never get better;
they get worse.

Read some of lovehadley's threads;

her guy's ex assaulted her,
love got a restraining order,
ex found ways around it,
her dh is enabling his ex,
restraining order has expired,
ex got love's phone # & has left bizarre hostile messages...

Leave this nightmare in your past.

I wish you the best.
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How involved is your husband in the day to day raising of his two younger children. If he allows there to be two sets of rules and two different standards for his children, then he is more of a problem than your stepson. Kids love to report to their other parent when they feel they are being treated unfair or they think they can get some sympathy or benefit from it. Of course they aren't going to bring up the problems they have or are causing or their bad behavior. Then nobody would feel sorry for the kid. Btw, my sister was famous for doing this all through grade school.... and my parents were still married. She would tell them how terrible her teacher or so and so at school was to her and see if they would do something about it, when the truth was, she didn't like her teacher or school. It didn't work because the first thing my dad said was 'what did YOU do?'. But, in divorce situations, sometimes the parents are angry at each other so the kids can use that in their favor and instead of mom asking the kid, what did you do, she accepts what the kid is saying at face value because it feeds her image of the other parent being a jerk or the step mom doesn't like her kid. Kids are manipulative by nature and they want to get things and they find ways to try and get what they want. It's the parent's job to recognize this and teach them that manipulating people is NOT the way to get what you want. Your husband's inconsistent guilt parenting is the root of many of the other problems... grades and house rules, and he is the one that needs to handle it. Counseling works if the person wants to figure out a solution but forcing a person to go to counseling won't work if they are resentful they have to be there. Counselors are not miracle workers. And a lot of this comes from his mom AND HIS DAD. She has been in and out of his life (inconsistent) and dad has been equally inconsistent. Dad should take a parenting class or get some sort of guidance on how to be consistent with his children and implement it. (all of his children because it's my guess that if there is consistency with your two younger kids, it's from you.. not dad) It might also help for dad to have some heart to heart talks with his son about his mother's abandonment of him and how he feels about everything. Dad can also ask him if he thinks he might benefit from counseling. One of the things he should be concerned about is how his son views women in general. The most important woman in his life, his mother, left him. Then if you, as his step mother, never bonded with him or built a close relationship with him (and it doesn't sound like you have) and if you treat him like he's there, but he's not a part of your new family so he feels like an outsider, then he is going to feel resentment and that is also going to impact how he views women. He could end up having major trust issues with women. I kinda feel for this kid that has never known a 'real' family. His parents split up before he was able to form a memory of them together and then his childhood is interrupted to go from mom's to dad when he's 8. Now he's in the midst of his dad's 'intact' family and probably feels like he is an intruder or doesn't quite fit in. His brother and sister have mom and dad together, something he has never known. I am not trying to be harsh, but maybe you need to look at this from more than just your perspective. You and your husband are the adults and he is a child that hasn't had a choice in any of this. He didn't choose to be born into a bad situation and everything he has had to go through, has been because of decisions his parents made... and he's expected to do what? Did you grow up under the same circumstances as he has? If not, then how can you compare that to this?
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"Biological mothers can't win. If they ask about what the child did while at the father's house, they are accused of being nosy. I have read many articles/advice columns that advocate keeping the two lives completely separate, and that you should tell your child not to tell you about what went on at the other parent's house, unless it was dangerous of course. Don't bother saying that you should wait until they volunteer info - I would have no idea what my kids did at school, or on that hypothetical camping trip, if I didn't ask, especially once they became teenagers. If I didn't ask them how the camping trip or school was, they would give me a hard time about it, but most teenagers won't come home and tell you all about their day." I have three bio kids (teens & grown) and one SD that's 8. The problem isn't when you ask your bio child how their weekend was or what did you do or did you have fun? It's when it becomes an inquest for info that you can use against the other parent. Those are general questions and anything more is digging. If a child wants to tell you details, let them offer it but in doing so, realize that YOU have NO say in it. One parent has ABSOLUTELY no control over what the other parent does at their house. You may not like it or it may not be something you would do (or allow) but it's NOT your choice. The only way the other parent could call you "nosy" is if you pick up the phone and tell them what your child said to you. Otherwise, how would they even know what your child told you? I asked my kids, how was your day at school or how did you do on your test? and they would offer what they wanted. However, I didn't say "what did your teacher say in class?" "who sat next to you at lunch?" "what did you play at recess?" etc. When you dig for information, the kids know what you are doing and it makes them uncomfortable. Especially if they know you are going to call the other parent and they feel like they are getting their other parent in trouble. Keeping the two lives separate doesn't mean they are banned from talking about their time with their other parent. to tell a child to only tell you about "dangerous" things is ridiculous because you are asking a child to determine what is "dangerous". and your definition may be different than the other parent. If you want your child to be happy and feel comfortable talking to you about anything, let them say what they want and don't pry. When you hear something that concerns you, instead of picking up the phone (or writing them), relax and realize that the other parent loves their child and isn't going to hurt their child any more than you would. If you think that the other parent is out to hurt your child, that's a different story but it should be based on facts, not just because you don't like them. After all, at one time, you saw enough good in them to make a child with them. My SD lives with us full time now and her mom leads a very different lifestyle than we do. We don't agree with it but the reality is that we have no control over it. She lets her stay up all night playing video games, eat ice cream for breakfast, goes days without bathing or brushing her teeth, goes outside without a coat when it's cold (she comes back sick) and on and on. She has even slept with (and we think she had sex) with her boyfriend in the same room as both her daughters and the court did not think THAT was enough to change custody from 50/50 to us. Of course, three weeks after the trial, she met a new guy and moved away, signing over custody to us. She's a flaky person... but my point is no matter what you think of the other parent, you can't control what they do.
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Ok so I agree it's a bit of an unclear story that is posted by OP. Just some things don't make sense. BM sounds like a piece of work, and I can relate to that because the BM in our situation is of a similar kind. You wonder why BM is so angry with you and if you are in danger. You probably think that she has no reason to be so angry with you, after all you look after these kids much better than she does and BM should be happy that you are a nice person etc etc. But that is not going to happen, EVER. It's how Iamom said it: "BM probably seriously resents the level of your involvement and it may be driving some of her behavior." The more you get involved, the worse it will get I reckon. It doesn't sound like BM is planning to actually physically harm you, even though her behaviour is erratic. As for not getting custody even though BM drinks, neglects kids, takes drugs etc.. I would like to just share something of our own situation. Of course I don't know the whole story by OP, but I do know this: sometimes the whole system just DOES NOT WORK. In our case BM is an alcoholic,not drunk out of her mind every night but on a regular basis let's say. On those nights she either promises the kids ponies and plasma tv's for their rooms, or she has a bad one and gets abusive. Mainly verbally abusive (screaming and carrying on into the early hours) but there have been incidents where she got physical, although that's usually with the partner, not the kids. When BM and FDH had just split up she attacked him in his sleep once. he went to the police the next day and filed a report. The after effects from drinking are that BM stays in bed all day next day and kids don't go to school. They have to look after themselves and in our book that is neglect; not feeding kids breakfast, lunch or tea. SD12 burned her hand two years ago when she was cooking dinner because BM was still in bed. Anyway, drifting... Back to the system; FDH has kept a diary for 3 years There are police reports on BM's outbursts FDH involved CPS, but they assessed kids as being not in danger after they gave BM a phonecall..?? School has been involved (but principal sticks head in the sand) So then FDH contacted the school inspectors, who said to have faith in the school and to leave it to the principal; passing the buck back.. and finally we did try to get shared care in the courts after BM kept breaching the court order (by keeping the kids away from FDH when it was his time to have them) No shared care for us and the stuffing around by BM is only getting worse now. So there we are, back to square one. And yes; it is strange to me too that the courts will not acknowledge BM's alcohol related problems. They just did not want to have a bar of it. Of course we did not have backup from CPS which could've helped the case. You might think that I'm not telling the whole story because it sounds ridiculous, but that is exactly what it is. RIDICULOUS. FDH and myself are in a long term relationship; we own our own home, FDH changed jobs to suit the school hours for the kids so he could look after them (no new girlfriend here pushing the FDH for custody, only a willig and loving dad trying to look after his girls himself) We did not even try to get full custody, we did not want to take drastic actions and take the kids away from their mum. A psychologist advised us to consider shared care, so the kids get the brake from the chaotic lifestyle at BM and have a bit more time with their dad. But noooo, no shared care for FDH, not going to happen!! The only thing we get out of this; is knowing that we have tried to help these girls, as much as we can, so now we focus on the time when they are with us. And that would be my advice to OP; don't take over the mum-role in your household it is not going to work. In a perfect step-world you could be that and it would be an extra for the girls; but in this emotional roller coaster you do better to back off. I mean also when it comes to the parent meetings etc at the school. I wanted to do all those things too when I got together with my FDH, and the girls liked my involvement and even asked for it. For them it was exciting to have a 'mother-figure' interested in their activities, but I tell you I still learned that it is better to back off a bit. Show an interest in the things they do when they are with you, spend time with them etc etc, but the parental responsibilities stay with the parents, not you. It's ahard thing to do, but it is better for your skids. If BM feels that threatened by you she will keep fighting like a lion and that is what hurts the kids. It might feel annoying that you have to back off while you want to do the right thing by the kids; but try it. The kids will see you for who you are anyway, as a loving and caring person who is there for them. They really will. And don't see it as a defeat, you are really taking control here, making this decision and hopefully affecting BM's behaviour in a positive way. The bigger picture!!
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lovehadley
15 years ago
Ditto Mattie and Sylvia.

I'm sure he's a great guy and all, but my honest opinion--he has NO business starting a relationship not two months after leaving his WIFE of NINETEEN YEARS. That's a long time.

At the very least, he should be respectful to her, and to his CHILDREN; he should be cognizant of the emotional turmoil they're experiencing. It's great that HE is ready to move on, but I think it's a slap in the face to jump into something else so quickly.

I'm not saying his wife---and she is still his WIFE, they are not yet divorced--is justified in treating you this way. But she is justified in being angry at her husband, and you're gonna bear the brunt of that.

Don't. Get out.
nottynurse
Original Author
15 years ago
In my mind I know the best thing is what you all have said in regards to this problem. Its my heart that has me still tolerating all the abuse from the ex. Everytime we have little intimate talks, he tells me his marriage was over years ago but he stayed for the kids. He says she knew it was coming(divorce) and still did nothing to prevent it from happening. Now that I think about all this, I wonder why hes got all the papers done and just needs to file them yet he hasnt taken one step in that direction. Maybe Im just being used???
carol_in_california
15 years ago
All men say that.....the marriage was over a long time ago. etc.
catlettuce
15 years ago
Ditto what everyone has told you. And yes, Gawd those are such classic lines he is feeding you.

Seriously, you sound like a caring person, don't get sucked into the madness. Run from him like a bad STD.
-Cat
silversword
15 years ago
Run Notty. Run like the wind. Don't look back.
nottynurse
Original Author
15 years ago
I want to thank you, everyone who commented. I needed confirmation on what I was feeling. I ended it last nite. I told him about the advice Id gotten from all of you and his response was, "Hell! what do they know?" Typical male response when it comes to Women caring about women. Im moving on. Late last nite a text message was sent to me by his exwife..."Did you know he has Hepatitis C?" Whether its true or not, Ive got a doctors appt at 3:00 today. Thank you.
catlettuce
15 years ago
I'm so sorry you are going through this but think you made the right decision.

Yes that is a somewhat typical repsonse. Some men are threatened by women who band together and support each other.

Good you are being proactive about your concerns regarding the Hep C. would he consent to be tested also?

Either way if there was an exposure you can address now, early on. True or not better to get peace of mind and be checked. Make sure you go back in 6 mo and get a repeat too.

It's scary waiting for those results. I got a needle stick at work a few years back and I was very blessed that it was the 1 patient out of 18 I admitted that day that wasn't shooting up-and she consented to be tested as well. I was more concerned about Hep C also since she was a ETOH abuser. I'll never forget how scary that was.

Will be sending some good stay strong & healthy vibes your way.

((Hugs))
~Cat
catlettuce
15 years ago
I'm sorry not just Hep C, just Hep in general. Anyway, I hope your testing is negative and it probably will be..I'm only going to think positive about this..

Otherwise I wanted to ask, how are you feeling about his response and moving forward? I just hate to see anyone go through all the upset and chaos. It nearly destroyed me & when I see a train coming I have to say "Look out!".

One thing I wish is that I had enough smarts at the beginning to know I didn't have to accept what was for so long. yes, hindsight is 20/20, but still. Good on you-you're strong.
~Cat
lovehadley
15 years ago
Cat, you are just too sweet. :)

OP, I hope your test is negative. I'll keep you in my prayers.

And kudos to you for making a tough but good decision. I know you won't regret it. Stay strong!
mom2emall
15 years ago
Nottynurse,

If I were you I would RUN from this relationship. 2 months out of a 19 year marriage nobody is ready to be in another serious relationship. This man needs time to heal and it is obvious his ex does as well. The way she is acting is crazy and even if it gets better over time it is still way more than anyone should have to deal with.

I also wonder how she got your cell number and address? Is it possible this guy is trying to make his ex jealous and waving you in her face?

I once dated a guy who was newly seperated from his wife, though at the time I did not realize how newly seperated because he told me he was in the process of divorce which ended up being untrue. He brought me to his moms house and "forgot" to mention his ex and kids lived in the house across the street. His ex saw me, which I have a feeling he wanted her to, and all heck broke loose! This woman came out of nowhere and had a golf club in her hands. Next thing I knew glass was shattering and I was running and cops were showing up and we all had to give statements.
imamommy
15 years ago
lol, my exBF also told me he was divorced. His wife had left him WAY before he met me and wasn't coming back... she didn't care when he met me, so thankfully there was no drama there. But, after he moved me in... I found out he wasn't 'actually' divorced. He did the papers & filed them when I told him I wasn't going to live with a married man. (Okay, actually he got me to do his paperwork) but then he did nothing to finalize it.... until we went to buy a house & he was told he had to have her sign off on it or finalize the divorce. I had to track her down (she left him to join the carnival/fair circuit) to get her to sign the MSA... she told me she thought they were divorced. My point is that he would only say/do just enough to placate me... he strung me along buying me a ring but no proposal. Called me his 'fiance' but never set a date (and yeah, no proposal). Finally, when I pushed it he told me things are fine the way they are.. why ruin it with marriage? (said his marriage was so bad, he preferred things the way they were...) I was raising his 3 kids & had NO legal standing. I finally left him after 7 years, when I was 29 and knew it was never going to end in marriage & I wanted a commitment. (I had also had a tubal pregnancy & he made me drive myself to the hospital... and later told me it was for the best since he didn't want more kids.) For a year he tried to get me to come back but then he met someone else & married her within a year. She had had her tubes tied but they had it reversed and conceived twins about a year later. Actions speak louder than words... but sometimes we only hear what we want & hope the action comes later.
silversword
15 years ago
"He did the papers & filed them when I told him I wasn't going to live with a married man. (Okay, actually he got me to do his paperwork)"

Bwahahahahahahahahahaahahahaa!!!!

Oh the things we'll do for "love"!!
seekergal
15 years ago
You have entered into the middle of a marriage that hasn't technically ended....at least yet! Legally ended, or emotionally ended (at least for the wife).

Get out, and stay away until the boyfriend has finished his unfinished business with his wife!

Your presence only causes more problems (although unintentionally) then good - at this time in the process of their dissolving their marriage.

If you don't wish to get caught in the middle of a war, get out now!

exwife would rather kids suffer...

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