Payton, I'm very sorry for your loss. I can relate to what you are going through. I just lost my mom on January 1st of this year. She was a young 50 years old, and suffered a horrible painful death due to Scleroderma and Pulmonary Hypertension. Basically, she couldn't breathe anymore, and her lungs and heart failed her. I just turned 23 years old a few weeks ago. Life sure does seem unfair doesn't it? We are so young to have to endure this kind of pain and emptiness. The only thing that gets me through it is having faith in God and the love of family and friends around me. No matter how alone you feel, you are NEVER completely alone. There is always someone else out there going through a similar situation as you too. Unfortunately death is a part of life that we all must learn to deal with. My mom was my best friend, and sadly I realized just how much she means to me after she was already gone. I wish I could have told her that she was the best mom in the entire world and that I am a good person because of her. I would consider myself to have been a good daughter, but there is so much more I wish I would have done. I took for granted that she would always be there for me, and that she would never dieat least not for another 20 or 30 years. God had other plans though. You and I both need to realize that no matter how much we did, we never would have felt like it was enough. I guess it's hard to repay the person who gave you life and loved you unconditionally like no one else could. This journey of grief you face has only just begun, as has mine. However, I choose to believe people when they say it will get easier. Not a day goes by that I won't think about my mom or miss her deeply, as I'm sure this is the same for you, but with time maybe we can learn to cope with their passing. I think losing one's mother is possibly the hardest thing to go through, so if we make it through this then there is nothing we can't handle. When I feel really sad sometimes, I try to remember how my mom would want me to be. She wouldn't want me to stop living my life and be depressed during the days I have left. She would want me to make her proud and be a good person, and that's what I'm going to try to do. Treasure the memories you have with your mom, and never forget how much she loved you. She knows you loved her too, and wouldn't want you to feel any guilt. One thing we can be thankful for is that our moms' arenÂt suffering any longer, and they now have the most beautiful heavenly bodies. My mom couldn't handle anymore physical pain, and I'm grateful she doesn't have to be trapped inside that failing body anymore. I selfishly want her here with me of course, but she was too good of a person to endure so much pain. Remember, someday soon we will join our moms' again, and be reunited with big hugs from them! Try to make her proud everyday, and remember it's okay to cry too. We will always miss them, but death isn't the end. It's just a temporary separation until we join them again on the other side. Take care and remember you are not alone. You will get through this and always keep your mom's memory in your heart. She may be gone, but her love for you will never die. I wish you well, Lisa

ur welcome... tuff to do, but hang in there. The group therapy might help. If Dad isn't contacting your child, that might be a good thing in having an ability to keep the disappointments to a minimum. Don't make promises for him - keep things on a "last-minute" basis -even though you know about it. It will be a good surprise if it comes to fruition. Sooner or later, your child will realize the truth and make decisions on where his love comes from. Just prepare yourself for backlash on that one. The anger may come out in all ways - even blaming you. Just remain close to your chile and it will probably be OK. I was never angry with my Mom. But the chaos paralyzed my success. I'm OK, and always have been, but I know that home would have been more settled without the worry and frustration, and anger. BUT, there are wonderful stories out there - kids are resilient. Many times they try harder to equalize their situation. Your child has YOU to help get through this. You have to deal with your hurt and pain - that's the most important thing. As stargazzer said, it may be something you have to swallow so you can emotionally move away from the situationon. You can't worry about what you can't control. You have a lot you can control - the love in your home for one. We all have a cross or two and I really believe you can carry this one with that love. Just think of it as one huge vitamin pill - LOL!! You will feel great at the end of the day.

I totally agree Kathline. My SD's mom does not blame my husband, she tells SD (and everyone who will listen) that DH is the nicest guy and would NEVER do any of this if I wasn't making him. In a way, she's right. DH is mild mannered and let things go and when we got together, BM would do things to mess with our life. She would find out we have plans for a weekend she has her daughter and call him at the last minute saying she can't keep her, can he take her PLEASE? He has never said no, so our plans would get ruined. I'd rearrange the weekend to include their daughter and when she'd go back and tell her mom we had fun, her mom would call and yell at DH that she doesn't want me to do this or that with her daughter, she is the mom, I am not. He would get all stressed out over her ranting phone calls and it caused tension between us. I was trying to be accommodating to BM when she had him keep SD on her weekends, but I think her plan was for us to have conflict over her daughter ruining our plans. Our conflict was over BM's ranting phone calls after every weekend. He was getting frustrated because she had never been that bad before but when SD spent time (and enjoyed it) with me, BM went off the deep end. So, it was DH's complaints to me that prompted me to help him take the necessary steps to get his legal rights to his daughter and that meant the court process, so yes, I supported him 125% and helped pay for it and BM is right that if I was not around, he probably would never have done all this. But, if I were not around, would BM have made his life so miserable that he felt he had to do something? Her reaction to our relationship is what started it all and her plan to run me off, using her daughter as part of it, did not work. She either doesn't realize it or want to admit it to herself, that DH does what he wants to do. I can't 'force' him to go to court. I can't get him to take a day off from work for very much, he only took three days off for our honeymoon. But, he takes time off for court (for his daughter) and school things with no problem. (well, he does worry about losing too much time from work because he's on commission when BM doesn't show up for court or continues it, that annoys him) But, back to the point, BM blames the whole thing on me. My relationship is somewhat strained because her mom discusses everything with her (and in pseudo's case as well) but I have been thinking about taking some of TOS's advice, 'kids have the right to know the truth.' I know that if they do anything to BM, she will blame it on me. She already told SD that she can't come to her school because she HAS to go to a job interview. So, it is our fault she can't come to the school because if she didn't have to pay child support, she wouldn't have to go to a job interview and this is how she presents it to her daughter. So, should she be told the truth? Her mom needs to work to help BF pay for their house. Her mom and dad are responsible for buying her stuff, not me. If I don't buy it and mom isn't working, it means dad has to get another job and can't spend much time with her. or how about 'grown ups are supposed to work'. If she loses her license and blames me for not being able to see her daughter (which she will). Same if she goes to jail. She already has bad credit but she will certainly blame me for giving her bad credit. She already tells her it's my fault they have no money, she can't buy her things because I made daddy take her to court blah blah blah The way I see it, it doesn't matter what, she is going to blame me regardless. I don't think a parent should be allowed to get away with something because they are manipulative and place blame or responsibility for everything on everyone else. Maybe my husband should tell her that he'd be in jail if he didn't feed and clothe her. Maybe if she were in jail, SD would be upset about it but BM wouldn't be feeding her all the lies because she wouldn't have the opportunity. I don't want to see parents in jail for not supporting their kids, I'd like to see parents having pride in supporting their kids. and yes, my son's father has been in jail a few times and while most were for other reasons, he has been to jail at least once for non payment. He hasn't filed taxes in over 20 years and can't get a drivers license. (I think he has gone to jail for driving without a license and when he was arrested for no license, they found other things to charge him with) My daughter's father hasn't had a license so he also may have been arrested. I know he was in jail last year, but I don't know why. His daughter told my daughter on myspace that he was in jail but wouldn't say why but was angry at my daughter so I assume it might have to do with child support. I haven't been contacted but did start getting some payments soon after that. He's in another state and I haven't looked into what is being done to collect. My middle son's father wasn't adjudicated as the father until after he was 18. He owes back support and has paid it on time, in full every month. I think the bottom line is that if nobody complains about the non payment of support, then there are too many cases to go after every deadbeat, mom or dad. I do see mom's getting more sympathy in the courtroom than dad's, but I think if nobody complains in the first place, there would be no action taken against mom or dad. I've seen the Judge rip a dad apart for losing his job and not finding some way to pay, but with mom's they are more sympathetic. I think if my husband had lied about his income and refused to bring proof and BM said it was more, the court would have taken her word and used the higher income. I see there is less bias than there used to be, but some still exists.

Well, DH got a message from them today. They call his cell phone which he can't answer at work, instead of his work number which he gave them... so makes me wonder if they just don't wanna do their job. (I worked in government so I know how some can be...) They said the employer bounced a check and has since sent more checks in but they will not accept checks from the employer anymore since he bounced one. So, the second payment will also likely be rejected and he will have to pay back 195.68~ hardly fair to make the person that is already supporting the child, pay back when it was the person who is NOT supporting the child (or in this case, her employer) that made the mistake. I went to pick up SD yesterday and yes, BM looks like she might be showing. Even so, I am not convinced she isn't lying (isn't it horrible when someone lies about so much that you can't believe ANYTHING they say?). She just had on a loose blouse, which isn't her style. That doesn't prove anything, besides she hasn't told us she is... is there is a reason she wants it kept secret from us? I feel so bad for SD though. I got there to get her and BM was home but SD had been at BF's parent's house and BM sent BF to go get her. So, she spent the afternoon with BF's parents instead of her mom. I had to wait about 20 minutes for her to get back. I don't understand how a mom that only sees her daughter six days a month, sends her to the BF's parents for half a day... and this happens all the time. I guess the least BM could do is go with BF to get her and pretend she gives a crap... when BF pulled up with SD, BM came outside and ushered her in to get her changed into 'our' clothes.