I can see why you're angry and upset. We stepmom's get blamed for so many things that aren't our fault, and it sounds like she really came unglued.

"She wont be laughing for long because a letter has been sent to her lawyer about her behaviour. I basically warned her any further usage of me as a scapegoat will not be tolerated and that child services maybe called in."

Even though the was rude and totally out of line, I'm not seeing where she's done anything illegal. Certainly nothing you could actually enforce. How can you really stop her for blaming you for anything? Her rants don't make it true, and your SD will surely see that without any action on your part. And Child Services? Called in because Biomom went ballistic on the phone to Stepmom? Where I live, they have much bigger fish to fry. If you're trying to prove she's unfit, you'll have to do much better than this...

It's maddening -- but let it go. Nothing good will come from escalating this situation.

I know. I always let it go in the past. But now that the SK come up and tell me how verbally abusive her new boyfriend is and how unstable she is , i'm started to seriously consider legal action. This was another one of her petty fight. I always ignore it, but this time her daughter was really affected by her behaviour and my tiger instinct jumped into to protect my SD. I just cant' believe how she treats her at times. i would never treat my son that way!
I understand a mothers jealousy. And buther motherhood at times is questionable. Bringing in new boyfriend every 10 month or so. This one has been in the house for almost 2 years. BUT he doesn't work. lazy bum, sleeps all day. They both smoke joints and party. Nothing we can prove yet but the ex wifes behaviour is becomign more irradic as the years go by and sometimes i just worry about the kids. They are really good kids and dotn deserve that. i've got quite a bit to prove sheis unfit....but do we go down that road and cause havoc for the kids.? I just dont want to do that until it is absolutely necessary. A little scare for the biomom once in a while to keep her in place doens't hurt either.
The letter i sent basically said for her to stop blaming me for the sake of her childrens wellbeing. That she is harming them with her downgrading remarks and that she uses me as a scapegoat whenever things do not go her way. i had the right to defend myself. Plus i wanted to show her ongoing behaviour for record sake on a legal matters in case 5 years down the road we have to go to court.
I'm hoping seh will quiet down after the letter. She did after she assaulted my husband and he sent a letter...for a while..Over time we will build a pattern of behaviour on her.
Yes,,its maddening. I tend to ignore it but this time my sd was being hurt adn i wasn't going to stand and let it happen.

Your husband's X-wife is his department. You need to be able to recognize the distinction between your husband's business and your business--like converstations that you were not suppose to be listening to. You are getting yourself involved and getting all hyped--cut it out. The visit your step kids are having with their dad shouldn't include you talking about their mom--or getting them to talk about their mom. There is something about that, that is not healthy for the kids. No kid feels good inside when he's been a part of carrying stories. I'm not talking about out-and-out abuse. That's different. But your step kids aren't going through that.

Yes brass tacks it is my husbands department and i do not ease drop in any conversation. I actually leave the room. I have ignored her for almost four years now. But this time, she went out of her way to hurt her daughter and is being blunt with character assissination. I am finally puttnig my foot down for myself and the children. She goes out of her way now and is hurting her kids. Her children are comign to me complaining and crying for her to stop it. My husband has warned her and now since she attacked me in the open, I will make one stand, one warning to her to be quiet for the sake of her children or more formal action will be taken. This is not for me. Do you think its nice for those kids to go through what they are going through now and me to blame for it when that is nto the truth? The SK bring up their mom. They instigate teh conversation. I say nothing bad at all about their mom. only thati don't understand why she is blaming me because i do not involve myself. By taking the phone...i took a first step. But it will be my only and final step because letters were sent to both lawyers to record her behaviour and to warn her to stop hurting her kids.
We tel the kids we do not want to know anything about their mother or waht she says. They keep bring it up. So they are expressing their pain. The stepkids are going through abuse. Psychological abuse and it has to stop. This my husband will pick up the reigns for this. I've said my peace. I have the right to defend myself once and only once.After this i wash my hands of it.

Unfortunately I do not agree with the whole "it's none of your business" idea... What a load a crap... It is your business this is your SD too. If you treated her different from your children the bio-parent would be the first to jump down your throat.. But because you choose to protect her you get told it's none of your business... HA HA... Guess what if they are using drugs while the child is at their home that is ABUSE! How old is the child? In some cases DHS workers will interview children and allow them to imput their thoughts and ideas into a custody hearing. If you honestly believe there is drug usage in the home, talk with your husband about filing for physical custody of the children. Also try to get them to a couselor to deal with any emotional turmoil they are having. Lastly DO NOT respond to her goading you... She wants to cause upheaval in your life. Simply respond with I don't have to listen to this... and hang up the phone... I know you feel the need to defend yourself but don't. Let her kill herself with all the hate wrapped up inside of her, do not allow her to spill it into your life.

Like i;ve said before. I've ignored her for 4 years...I said my peace and now wash my hands of it. I do not want to talk to her , i want nothing to do with this biomom. She is destructive to anyone around her and in the long run will in the end whined up alone and miserable.
Yes sandstone, i agree after a few days to cool off, i will not allow her poison to spill into my life. My maternity leave is almost finished. Thank GOD! I'll be back to work on monday with tons of other things onmy mind than to waste it on her. i put that letter out to put things out in the open and to legally document it. I seriously do not think she will try to speak to me on the phone again. If she does i will hang up and let my husband call back his daughter. She is 11 years old. i've discuss the drug use to my husband and he does nothing about it. Its either he is in denial or basically doesnt' want to rock the boat. What can i say? There are times i just want to scream with this man. Like i've said in a previous post. He does nto want his children in his life on a daily basis. He cannot handle the responsibility. i dont think he wants his ex to badger him either. So all its selfish reasons but i cannot force him and must respect his wishes.