What is your husband thinking?

My guess is "Thank goodness all that nasty business is over with!"

My question is what is he thinking with?! Because there's a huge element of denial and/or wishful thinking in there, and not much "trust but verify" mentality. Homecoming in a limo (in my experience) means "everyone gets trashed and no one gets a DUI." And don't imagine that all the parties are post dance. Many are pre-dance, mid-dance or instead of dance...

Can you explain the difference (in SS's eyes) between "financing" a car for him and "buying him a car?" I imagine your DH perceives a difference, but I'm not sure that distinction is meaningful to your SS. And I can hardly imagine what the insurance premiums would be for a 17 year old straight out of rehab with a DUI...

It must be very stressful for you to have to be "the bad guy" yet again. But why won't anyone else set limits for this kid? Is there any way you can get his rehab counselors involved in his follow-up care? Because I have to think they'd side with you and are positively sick of "rich kids with enabling parents". (Or maybe not, since that's how they get all of their repeat customers...)

I'm frustrated for you Tamar...

You ever see any of those 'addiction' movies on Lifetime TV? NONE of them go directly to the happy ending when the struggling hero is released from rehab. In fact, time after time, that's when the real 'meat' of the movie begins. Do you suppose there's any way you could get your husband to sit through a few of those with you?

I think sweeby is right... DH is probably thinking exactly that it's over it's done with let's move on.... which is a good theory in some cases... not with this one. He has a car... let him use that car when he gets his drving priveleges back. There are consequences to our actions... and I dont think rehab is a consequence... it's a tool used to help us accept and be responsible for our actions and their consequences. And ss already talking about quiting meetings and no sponsor, is very obviously unaware of the seriousness of his actions and those consequences. AA is a lifetime commitment... and one that I am very familiar with. My mother's parents were extreme alcoholics her whole life... she ran away when she was 17. I have lived my entire life dealing with those consequences. IE: children of alcoholics don't trust anyone... don't believe in even the people they love most that they will not let them down in some way... it has been instilled in them. It effects all of their decisions in their lives and the way that they react to even very normal behavior for example; me at 21 with a bottle of tequila in my freezer was instantly viewed as a sign of being an alcoholic as opposed to a 21 year old who had a party the weekend before.

I can understand that it sucks being the bad guy... (as I have been struggling myself with being the bad guy all of the time as well) But, in the end I have told myself... that I would rather say I did everything possible to do what's right than say well it wasnt my bad I disengaged... it was up to them .... all the while knowing that there may have been something I could have done and I gave up.

I did disengage with the Jeep purchase. SS17 was grounded last summer (because of DUI), and one day DH and son are heading off to look at cars. I thought, "Novel idea. Reward DUI with new car. DH must know what he's doing." Son's license was still suspended for another 3 months at the time DH bought the car. In the approximate 13 months since we purchased the Jeep, son only drove it for about 2-1/2 months before ending up in treatment. The rest of the time, the car has been sitting.

Two things really bug me about all this. DH runs a $600 million company on Wall Street. He is the CEO, in charge of long term strategic planning. I can't understand how he can make such short-sighted choices regarding a vehicle for son. It just seems so idiotic to me.

The second thing - we've spent a tremendous amount of money for the six months of treatment. We don't expect reimbursement from son. That would be impossible. However, his focus on buying a new car, putting in thousands of dollars in improvements (stereo, lift, etc.), all for himself, really rubs me the wrong way. In the couple of months he lived with his BioMom earlier this year, he threw many parties in her basement while she was out of town, causing her to have to pay for re-painting and re-carpeting when she moved out. He missed a court date in March because he was in the psychiatric treatment center, so his BioMom had to hire an attorney to go to court for him. The attorney told the judge son's sob story, and the judge said what son was going through was worse than any punishment he could mete out, so son's DUI was dismissed, along with $1300 in court costs. That all worked out well for son, but I feel he should reimburse his mom for the attorneys fees. When son originally went to court on the DUI, he had to borrow money from me for his lawyer, and he had to pay me back. Attorneys fees for DUIs are not a cost I think I parents should have to bear. Anyway, when I mentionded to son, while he was talking about his big plans to spend all this money on himself, that he should think about paying his mom back, his response was that he shouldn't have to, it wasn't his fault he couldn't go to court! I wanted to ask him, "Oh? Who was it, then, that shoved that cocaine up your nose?" This is getting long and rambling, but the other thing that son did during that final party was trade a very expensive pair of earrings, custom made for his mother by his grandmother for her wedding, for drugs. He doesn't feel responsible for that, either.

I feel that in purchasing a new vehicle now, even if son pays us back, we will be teaching son nothing about delayed gratification, consequences for choices, or responsibility to others. Apparently DH doesn't feel these values are as important as I do. (Maybe that's why MY biokids get excellent grades, haven't been arrested multiple times for drug and alcohol, and engage in community service volunteer work that isn't court-ordered ... Clearly, I am in a bad mood this morning ...)

I guess I dont understand. 100k miles is not a lot on a Jeep. The boy is a teenager, and they always drive their first vehicles into the ground. IT would be stupid to give a child that age a new vehicle, and even more stupid for your hubby to pay for it.

I have owned Jeeps my entire adult life and every one of them has lasted more than 300 thousand miles before I got rid of them.

It would be a good thing for your SS to learn how to work on the Jeep he has to maintain it and fix problems, rather than to just replace it. That wont help him learn anything.

Tamar, is your husband automobile-repair savvy? Instead of buying a new vehicle for his son, perhaps father and son could work on repairing the Jeep together. Not only would that promote quality time between the two but it also promotes taking care of your possessions and investing your own sweat into something that is important to him (as opposed to a free hand-out).

Both DH and I grew up with a lot of 'rich kids', and surprisingly often, it was NOT an advantage. It seems your DH sees his role as provider -- and he certainly seems to do an excellent job at that. He also seems to be a good role model in terms of achievement. Perhaps even in his own personal conduct, though you haven't really said.

But in terms of day to day involvement - Where is he? He's off running his empire and his kids are running wild. You're trying your best -- and it sounds like your values, ideas, and approaches are sound ones -- but with no support from his Bio parents, why should this kid listen to you? You're just the party pooper... If he had a 'real' mother at home, that might be enough, but she's just as bad.

A sad, tragic path too many kids go down.
I hope you can do so much better for your own kids.

Just sending blessings. I've been there, done that, had it all done behind my back. So, you putting your foot down (as I did but our issues were drug/alcohol related, just lazy skid syndrome - agreed to work for us in exchange for a car, showed up twice - both after 3pm - DH bought him the car anyway) probably won't make a huge difference. I'm afraid DHs don't know how to really bond w/ their wayward sons w/o buying a huge ticket item. Sorry, but you'll be in my prayers.

I still think your SS needs to really EARN the trust again. A few weeks on a good path (how's it going w/ the friends?) isn't enough time to earn back anything.

DH needs to speak to son's counselors - I'm sure they'd be opposed to this purchase????

Put all Dh's 'real life' credentials aside. When it comes to matters of the heart and family, good judgement goes out the window. My DH is an Ivy League grad, math major, went on to dental school (obviously), but has NO common sense about parenting his adult children re: money,finances, etc...He grew up dirt poor and can't stand for his kids to 'go w/o' anything - regardless of their luxuries compromising OUR security and that of our sons...

Dana

Wow - doesn't your husband pay attention to what happens when kids get spoiled? It's all over the papers lately - all of those dumb flighty Hollywood punks whose parents give them too much money and allow them to get away without being accountable to anyone. Accountability and responsibliity are supposed to be what AA helps instill and it sounds like the boy needs it, BAD.

The ONLY things children are entitled to is a bed, clothes and food. Everything else is a privilege. NO way does a high school Sr. NEED a car, nor deserve one in this case. He should be grateful you didn't sell the car he has while he was in treatment.

I would not let him go to the dance, regardless of who drives and picks up. He lost that privilege with the DUI and the drugs. One good act, or 7 months of supervised sobriety, does not make up for one HUGELY wrong decision to get involved with drugs and alcohol. High school dances are privilges for kids who can be responsible and accountable.

My inclination is to put the foot down hard - easier to learn hard lessons at home than out in the real world where the consequences are much, much harsher. If you don't want this kid waking up on your couch when he's 30 and coming off another week-end bender, you better draw the line in the sand NOW. If he goes to his mom's to get away from your discipline, he needs to deal with those consequences on his own.

Also - haven't you talked with any of the therapists at his treatment program. SURELY they don't think going to a dance with his old drinking/drugging friends is a good idea.

You only have a limited time left to have any kind of positive influence before he goes out and screws up even more in the real world. I think it's time to get serious with him and in NO WAY buy him/finance/loan him ANYTHING. He needs to earn it all back. It took him a short time to waste away any credibility or trust your had in him, but it will take a long time to earn it back.

This might be kind of harsh, but I lean toward being more strict than gentle by nature. My ss is also only 6 so the discipline needs are pretty different, and rare b/c he's a pretty easy kid to have around. Maybe if he grows up and gets mixed up with the wrong crowd, I'll be paying his way on the trip to Africa just to get rid of him (kidding).

Thank you, everybody, for your comments. It's nice to know that I'm not the one who is nuts.

Sweeby, what you said about DH and how he sees his role is absolutely true. He is the "provider." He comes from a very modest background, and has the best work ethic and drive of anyone I know. He is a very good father and a great husband. While he is out of town during the week, the weekends are spent exclusively with the family. However, he does this kind of thing that just drives me crazy, and it's the only thing we ever argue about. It truly makes me doubt his judgment as a parent. His sister thinks, because he can be stoic and reserved, that maybe he is attempting to forge a stronger father/son bond, and sees buying a car as a way to do that. Or that son is unhappy, and this is his way to try and make son happy.

Dana - you're right - DHs don't know how to bond with wayward sons without buying them big ticket items.

The home contract that SS had to agree to before we allowed him to come home explicitly states that he understands that he "will be required to EARN an element of responsibility and trust before he will be allowed to go outside the home, school or pre-approved functions." That probationary period is 4 weeks, and is up next week. Maybe he has earned enough trust to be outside the home for limited periods. His curfew is still pretty early, it will slide up to no later than 9:00 pm on weekdays and 11:00 pm on weekends over a three week period - although I guarantee you we will get some arguments on such an early curfew, and I'll let you all know when that happens. But I don't think he has earned enough trust to take a loan from us to buy a newer car, not after the debacle of the Jeep, and especially since the Jeep will work just fine for his needs for the next several months.

I love my SS, and I want him to be happy. I'm glad he decided to come back home to our house. It does seem like DH is allowing son to pick and choose from the contract (doesn't want to attend AA meetings, DH did let son go fishing with some friends last weekend for 3 hours, and there was an incident where I thought son was getting a ride straight to work, but turns out his ride to work had to stop at home, and they ended up hanging out there until work, for 2 hours, with no parents at home, and it's someone he used to get high with. DH willingly accepted his explanation that it was out of the way for friend to bring him to our house, and he was doing homework there, not drugs.

One of my friends said I need to let this one go - it's a car, and it's between DH and his son, and I won't "win" this one. I don't want to "win" anything - I simply want DH to realize that this is all wrong, and that he's doing more harm to son in the long run than being helpful right now.

Another friend, and fellow barn mom, told me, "Screw it. Let them do what they want. Go buy DD14 the jumper of her dreams." I'm tempted, except the jumper of her dreams has a $200,000 price tag.

I'm guessing the 'jumper' is a horse, not a garment...

LOL!!